Monday, October 17, 2016

QD:Season 2, Chapter 20. (Captain Descrambler meets Season 1, Chapter 0)

January 14th

Steve Ellicott sat in his car in rush hour traffic.
Alex "Round-Dog", Ripington was on the radio ranting away.
Today's topic was the 9th anniversary of the time a disgruntled sports reporter tried to kill him with a car bomb. The same day, a guy named Richard Marks actually did get blown up, but there was no mention of him.

Steve turned off the radio, and thought back to everything that lead up to this moment.

Sometime in the 1940's.

Mort Pizzby sat at a booth in a diner drawing on napkins, and gloomily contemplating his lot in life.
He was a failed graphic artist who currently had a gig illustrating high school science textbooks.
He doodled out a water molecule.
A circle with two smaller circles.

At an adjacent booth, a two year old sat in a high chair messily eating cake, and saying "Yummy Youse! Yummy Youse!".

The piece of cake was off of a whole cake on the table made to look like a cartoon rat.
The child was saying the rat's name wrong.

Mort looked at the napkin, and wrote "Yummy Youse".

He doodled on the water molecule until it looked like the face of a tree frog.
He drew a body under the face, and now it was a tree frog with tuxedo and tails, and spats.
A cartoon empire was born.

Sometime in the 1950's.

Yummy Youse became a comic strip, became an animated cartoon, became a string of animated cartoons, followed by many other characters, then movies, then merchandise, then television once it was invented, then finally, the crown jewel, Pizzbyworld.

A fired and disgruntled employee of Pizzbyworld now sat at a booth in a diner, drawing on napkins.
His name was Ed Ellicott.

He drew Yummy as an evil life choking anaconda.
"Too on the nose", he grumbled.
He drew the anaconda strangling Yummy.
"Better!", he said.
He drew Yummy's face shape made out of tires with the anaconda wrapped around it.
"Hmm...", he said, mental gears turning.
He drew himself as a superhero with the snake and tires logo as his chest symbol.
Next to this character, he wrote "Captain Carburetor".
"Yes!!", he said aloud, and then looked around to see if he'd been noticed.
He snuck out of the diner with the napkin, holding it like it was the blueprint for a water powered automobile, or a formula for lead into gold.

Sometime in the 1960's.

Ed stood before his 10 year old son, Steve, in the Captain Carburetor costume, waved his hand towards the auto salvage yard he now ran, and said "soon this will all be yours".

Steve scrunched his nose in disappointment.

Sometime in the 1970's.

Ed was dead of a heart attack.
Steve was 25.
He had some choices to make.

He looked at his dad's corny old costume, and then a magazine he was holding about the new video tape machines that were coming out.

He turned to a page with a picture of a home satellite dish, then pulled out a marker pen, and doodled the anaconda from the Captain Carburetor logo around it.

He turned another page, and saw an ad for satellite descramblers.
He wrote "Captain", above the word "Descrambler".

He nodded, and knew instantly what his future would be.

Sometime in the 1980's.

Steve's son, Perry, sat in a high chair messily eating cake.
It was a Yummy Youse cake.
"Yummy Youse! Yummy Youse!", he chanted.

Steve's mother in law saw the mess, crinkled her nose, and said "lovely".

Steve thought to himself "someday, I'm going to do something to really spite you, you mean old broad".

Sometime in the 1990's

Steve shuffled through his son's old comics, and noted how many crossovers there were.
He found a pattern to the crossovers, and in that pattern, he unlocked how all characters in fiction go together in this infinitely expanding uber-verse.
And within this uber-verse, there also included movies.
From this, Steve concluded that to be at the heart of this uber-verse, was to rule the world.
And there was only one real-world way to be at the hub of all of it.

Steve Ellicott opened Lovely's.
Across the parking lot, was Hannalee's grocery store.

The mother in law didn't approve.
"Good", he thought.

October 20th.

Dusty Irwin wandered through the grocery store, and then stopped dead in his tracks.

There was a display of Halloween masks, and one of them hypnotically grabbed his attention.

Meanwhile, at Lovely's, Steve was stocking tapes.
The latest Astro Gallop boxed set was out.

Meanwhile, Perry Ellicott threw out some old junk.
One of those bits of junk was an old science textbook.
A textbook that was still reusing the water molecule illustration drawn by Mort Pizzby.

Perry flashed back to his dad helping him with his homework, and being enthralled by his dad's description of acids, and what they could do.

In his imagination, he had imagined the sizzling of acid to being like the quantum dissolvers in Astro-Gallop.

January 14th

Steve Ellicott sat in his car in rush hour traffic.
He was back from his flashback.
It had taken half a minute.
Traffic nudged forward an inch.

Outside his car window was an apartment building.

Inside that apartment building, Dusty Irwin awoke from a memory nightmare.

"Fuckin memories...fuckin life", he mumbled.

October 31st

Steve Ellicott finished reading the latest Shmegalamonga Halloween post.
It was the sixth one, with the theme "witch's brew".

He switched back over to the Lovely's homepage, and got back to work.

He looked out at the shelves, and saw the expanding new section of tapes in transparent green cases.
Inside those transparent green cases were transparent green cassettes with green glitter embedded in the plastic, and with green hologram stickers of the JS mask for the top label.

Local kids were making fan movies of individual chapters of Jade-Shade's adventures from Shmegalamonga, and bringing them to Steve in various formats.
Steve would then transfer them to one of the green tapes, put on the JS label, write the chapter name and number, insert a printout of the text chapter as liner notes in the case, then rent them out, and give the money to the filmmaker.

Kids who rented them out became inspired, and would make their own sequels and crossovers to those chapters.
And so on, and so on.
The fan-canon stuff he put in purple cases.

Fan-canon that got secretly rented by Dusty or Irma got a JS and/or Chokecherry seal of approval sticker.
That encouraged kids to make even more films.

The JS section of the store was slowly taking over.

Steve walked along the JS section picking up random cases, and noted how the box descriptions progressed like JS chapters, and vice versa.

Steve grabbed the tape for Season 2, Chapter 20, and popped it into the machine.

January 14th

Steve Ellicott sat in his car in rush hour traffic...

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Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Star Wars: Rogue One poster!

Last Star Wars thingy- Happy fifth observed Star Wars day.

There it is!!

Like last time, let's put it with its friends!

Yeah, nice, nice.
It's all coming together.

Hopefully, this'll finally be the good prequel.

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Big Winter Movies Part 2. (Part 0.5).

Ahhh, here we are at last!
The finish line with this film...

Ghostbusters: Answer The Call

Let's get right to it...
  • Extended cut was 9.5? Extended cut with bonus scenes, 10.
  • The disk has theatrical and extended cuts together, and you can swap between them. So, when I get to "salty parabolas", I can go to theatrical, then go right back to the rest of the extended cut.
  • *Spoilers ahead*
  • One deleted scene resolves the Holzmann/Gilbert thing once and for all. It's an extended version of the Rebecca Gorin scene (Sigourney Weaver's cameo character) Holtz tells Goran "I'm dating her", and indicates Erin. Erin says ", I'm dating our receptionist", then Abby's like (sad sympathetic face) "'s not true", then Holtz is like "...well, guess it's back to the drawing board with this one!". So, that retcons that all her weird behavior towards Erin was indeed flirting. Crazy awkward geeky flirting, but there you go. Confirms what I already knew. So, the shipper fan-ficcers will be squealing with delight over that.
  • A deleted scene finally fills in the missing piece with Erin leaving the team. It happens after Erin punches the blogger, but before Abby gets possessed. Erin goes back to the college to try to convince the Dean (Charles Dance), that ghosts and ghostbusting are real to get her job back. The Dean humors her, and then has her hauled out by security, then Abby is waiting for her outside, and they have a tear jerking scene about how Erin can't handle being made fun of, but Abby can, and Abby can't stand Erin running away and hating herself anymore, and they break up as friends. That was good meaty stuff!! And it makes Erin's return and sacrifice at the end have weight and make more sense!! That needs to be in the film!!! Argh!!
  • Also, there's a tack on to the above scene where Erin watches the old public access clip on Youtube of Abby plugging "Ghosts From Our Past", by herself, because Erin bailed on her right then. So, that picks up in the timeline immediately after the book ends. 
  • There are batches of alternate takes for Patty, Kevin, and Holtzmann. The Holtzmann one is full of juicy stuff, including alternate takes for the wig joke that were WAYY funnier. 
  • Throughout everything, you'll go "why didn't they use THAT take!!?! Why did they cut THAT?!?! But, we've got it all now so...
  • There's even a whole alternate ending where instead of being randomly grabbed by Rowan, Abby deliberately uses herself as bait to get Rowan into the portal, THEN Erin goes in after her. Eh, I like the one they used, but it's cool to see it.
  • That last one's not on the disk, you have to buy it extra on I-tunes. Fuck I-tunes. Someone had it up on Youtube before Sony destroyed them. Thank you, vanished dead person. 
  • Anyhoo, get ready for a hundred fan edits of the film using the alternate and deleted scenes.
  • Overall, it's a jam packed blu-ray. Between bonus scenes, featurettes, and the two commentaries, I was up all fucking night with it. My hunger for this film is sated.
  • Yeah, for a movie that was allegedly so despised, we got a lot more on this than a genuine hit usually does. It felt like I was as at least as long with this as the blu-ray of BvS. Probably longer.
  • Next up, the all three Ghostbusters movie marathon!! Heh, don't worry, that's just for me, there'll be no review. ;-)

Ahhh, I'm so fucking happy. :-D
My patience was truly rewarded.
I put this up there with "Freddy vs Jason", and "The Force Awakens", for movies that took a long fucking time to get here, and ultimately delivered the goods.

Now the journey with this flick is truly complete!
All that remains for me, is to retro link this one here, here, here, and here.

Next up, Doctor Strange, and Rogue One!!

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Saturday, October 8, 2016

All-purpose horror thread part 3.

Part 1.
Part 2.

There we go, same drill as the last two years.
I'll put horror news in comments, and use it to make next year's Halloween.

Up next, in 23 days, Halloween!!

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Friday, October 7, 2016

Candy Dish 2!

And, that's part 3 of 3, and I'm done posting for today!

Last year's-
Candy Dish 1.

And here's this year's two quickies.
Those Bravo lists in King Sized 2 more than make up for last year's bulk though.

Up next tomorrow, one more thing.

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King Sized Movie Glut 2.

Last year's-
King Sized Movie Glut 1.

...and here we go.

Bravo's 100 Scary Movie Moments (2004),
Bravo's 30 Even Scarier Movie Moments (2006),
Bravo's 13 Scarier Movie Moments (2009).

The Bigass Documentary Review Compilation.

The Bigass Bravo Horror Lists.

Ahh, I finally got these all done, and I finally injected them into a Halloween compilation.
Now, I really am done.
*Hands behind head, kicks feet up on desk*

Up next, compilation time...AGAIN!!

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Fun Sized Movie Treats Part 2 (Part 1)

Part 1 of a three-parter today!!

First up...

The House On Sorority Row (1983)

This one came recommended in the commentary for "The Final Girls".
Not bad, worth a look.

About some sorority girls who try to prank their bitch of a sorority mother, and accidentally kill her, so try to cover it up.
But, then a mystery killer starts bumping them off one by one.
Is the sorority mother really alive?
Is it the secret deformed son of the sorority mother created by an experimental fertility treatment?
Is it some random maniac pretending to be one of the first two?

You'll have to find out!

The female characters in this are done pretty well.
I don't remember there being anything frustratingly sexist.

But then, my memories are a bit foggy around the edges , since I had this one on the list since friggin' January. :-P

Like I said up top, worth a look.

Yeah, that's good enough for a fun sized review.
The End.

Next up, The Big One...again!!!

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Thursday, October 6, 2016

The Update Warriors (Part 6, The Brew Review).

Okay, so here's the deal with this new section.
The September 30th opening post used to be the update-athon before the main Halloween buildup, but now, update-athon is update-athon, so September 30th's remaining role has been as a diary of looking back at last year before looking ahead.
Well, now I'm putting that shit into this.

So, September 30th posts are retroactively Brew Reviews, so here's those.
And now, to make next year's Brew Review easier, I'll recap everything so far here, so I'll only have to update this year next year.
Got it?
Too bad.

Part 1, 80's Slashers.

So, it all started with I was lost for what to do, so I decided to just start shooting the shit about the Freddy Movies.
Then that led to all the slashers, then horror crossovers in comics, then superheroes, then that evolved into En-Mike-lopedia, and then Jade-Shade emerged from that, and then I've wittled away En-Mike-lopedia, and now only do horror in October, and superheroes in December,

Fourth year, I tried to quit Halloween entirely, but couldn't, so I streamlined it into update-athon, and that worked out well, so I did the sequels Update's Revenge, and Update Warriors.
Yes, the sequel titles are based on the Freddy sequels.
And, here we are.

Part 2, Classic Monsters.

So, slashers was fun, and I immediately knew I wanted to make Halloween marathons a tradition, and I can't exactly remember why, but I had Dracula on the brain, so I planned to make all of year 2 Dracula, because I assumed there'd be a lot to work with.

And there was, but as I progressed, I decided there weren't enough days, so I wanted to do all the classic monsters, and then even doing all of them, plus King-Kong and Godzilla, there was still some leftover space, so I updated slashers, and folded those updates into the first update-athon for slashers.

Then, of course, I did update-thon, Update's Revenge, and Update Warriors for Classic Monsters.
And, here we are.

Part 3, Masters Of Horror.

By year 3, I had a clearer game plan in my head for the rotating topics, and knew at the end of classic monsters I wanted to do the masters of horror.

...and holy shit, I didn't know what I was in for, and it damned near killed me.
But, I broke it down, and scheduled it to the fucking second, and I got that shit done, and with years of rest now for my brain to repair, I'm proud of it.
It's retroactively enjoyable.
No, I'm drama-ing it up, it was hard, but I had fun too.
And of course, I updated slashers and monsters, and folded those updates into the respective update-athons.

And then, I did update-athon, Update's Revenge, and Update Warriors for Masters.
And here we are.

Part 4, Based On A True Story.

So, here's where my big and bold plans overwhelmed me, and I crushed myself.
In hindsight, for this one to meet its original vision, I would have needed multiple guys working on it, but I didn't have multiple guys.
It would have been at least quadruple the size of Masters, and as I said, that one damned near killed me. So, I outright bailed on it, and made it the first update-athon, then I cheated the original topic idea back in at the very end.

But, then when Update's Revenge rolled around, I fixed it by doing a stripped down version of the original goal, and then I only had to do Update Warriors this year.
And here we are.

Part 5, Pumpkin Potpurri.

So, once I did update-athon once, I knew I was just going to do it forever, so by the end of year 4, the name "Pumpkin Potpurri", just came to me, and I had that planned out for year 5 immediately.

And, I didn't know I was going to add it on to the topics too, but by the time part 5 crept up, it became clear I needed the category, and then it popped into my head that year 4's "Odds N' Ends", was the precursor, so, bam, that fell into place.

Then, I did Update Warriors for Potpurri.
And here we are.

Part 6, Witch's Brew.

And now we're up to this one.

And I find I want to meet year 4's goal of getting these Halloween marathons off my back.
So, this will be the last hurrah of a big how-do-you-do for Halloween.

Just as update-athon streamlined things down, next year, I'm going to streamline the whole update-athon into Brew Review.

New logos for each year's categories, then just text updates for the movies.
Overall, September 30's prelude, then Brew Review, then the Ash review posts, then the horror thread update post, then free and clear until actual Halloween to write Jade-Shade.

I'm clearing all the bullshit out of my path that I can.

I'm doing this streamlining to Christmas too.
Can't have these damned time-sink holidays anymore.
I said this two years ago, now I'm using the iron fist.

But, since this is the last hurrah, I'm not done yet.
Next up, I'm doing another Candy Dish.

So, up very next, a movie recommended by a movie ;-)

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Wednesday, October 5, 2016

The Update Warriors (Part 5, Pumpkin Potpurri).

Previous chapters.
"Three?", you say?
Yeah, obviously, I retroactively count "Odds N' Ends", as 1.

Last time, I said I was gonna swap this back around to four, but...nah, I'm keeping it in order of the Halloweens themselves.

So, again, if you weren't here last time, this is for the stuff that wouldn't neatly fit into the other categories.
Here we go...

Another Predator sequel is coming up the pike.
The script has been written.
Called "The Predator", and directed by Shane Black.
Slated for 2018.

"Resident Evil: The Final Chapter", comes out in 2017.
Look, Jason had two final chapters, so never believe that subtitle.
Even if Milla truly retires, they'll soft reboot it with a new character or something.
Then, somewhere along the way in that series, Milla will come back as an old lady.
Hollywood won't let cash cows die.

And, as the perpetual Pepsi to Milla's Coke, "Underworld: Blood Wars", comes out January.
Hmm, they're both wielding double handguns too...

The horror-comedy "Freaks Of Nature", came out on the tail end of 2015.
Formerly titled "Kitchen Sink".
It's an alternate near future where humans, vampires, and zombies share an uneasy truce, and then aliens invade, and fuck up the truce, and everyone fights everybody, then finally they unite against the aliens.
Surprisingly really good!
Had an unexpected bunch of cool celebrities in it too!
Key from Key & Peele, Dennis Leary, Bob Odenkirk, & Joan Kusak to name a few.
Good effects, this wasn't a b-movie! Indie, but not cheap indie!
Really cute! Might even be worth buying!

"Deathgasm Part 2: Goremageddon", is going to be a thing.
(Deathgasm 1)

They're doing a "Rocky Horror Picture Show", remake.
Made for TV, and titled "The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's Do the Time Warp Again".
Comes out October 20th.
Tim Curry is going to be in it as the criminologist.
Laverne Cox will be Frank N Furter.
...wonder if they'll follow it up with "Shock Treatment".

M. Night Shyamalan is rebooting "Tales From The Crypt".
That's perfect for him!
He's so obsessed with twists, and that's Crypt's whole thing!
Yes, M. Night, do that.
Do that forever.
You're home!

The Purge 3 changed its title to "The Purge: Election Year", and it came out, and apparently, it was a disappointment.
Meh, I'll check it out anyway.

Also, there's going to be a Purge TV series.
I'd check it out.

Been hearing really good things about "The Greasy Strangler".

The trailers are hilarious.
Trailer 1.
Red band trailer.

Billdude made me aware of "She Kills"!
About a chick out for revenge who kills bad guys with her snoosh.
It's "I Spit On Your Grave", meets "Father's Day".

Again, trailer is awesome.

The Grudge vs The Ring is going to be a thing.

All the drugs in meee!! All the bugs in meee!!

Everyone's jizzing all over "Lights Out", and "Don't Breathe", so I guess I should give them a shout out.

"Blair Witch", the third Blair Witch movie, was also a thing, and most people thought it sucked, but just not as hard as 2.
I have no interest.

Turbo Kid 2 is happening!!!!
Now THAT I'm excited about!!
(Turbo Kid 1)

Now, for text updates of stuff from last year, or just quickie updates I don't give a shit about.
  • There's going to be an Exorcist TV series, and I have no enthusiasm whatsoever.
  • "Crimson Peak", did okay, but was critically "meh".
  • No word yet on "The Colour Out of Space", triple remake.
  • X-files came back, and they want to do another season.
  • "The Last Witch Hunter", was a rectal prolapse.
  • "Scout's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse", landed with a thud.
  • "Green Inferno", came and went like a fart in a wind tunnel.
  • "Pride and Prejudice And Zombies", was another "Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter".
  • "The Forest", was another critical "meh".
  • No word on the "Cabin Fever", remake.
  • Ditto "Five Nights At Freddy's".
  • Ditto "Night On Bald Mountain".

And that's...


Tomorrow, Weee've got cauldron con-coct-tiooooon! Don't wanna dream no moooore!!

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Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Update Warriors (Part 4, Based On A True Story).

Previous chapters.

The first three parts of my video collector's quadrilogy.
And now....


80's HBO opening.

Okay, so the way I did it with Nicely's (pasting in every occurrence of "Nicely's", as one huge wad) was cumbersome as fuck, and took all day,

So, I'll just tell the overall story, and then toss up links to the finer details.

Me & my folks had HBO from 1983 to 1987.
And it all started with Fraggle Rock.
That was why we got it.

And, it ended with Fraggle Rock too.
Once it ended, so did HBO.

But, in those four years, I got to see a lot of movies.
Some good, a lot shitty.

Here they are.

Phew, damn!
I'm sure I missed a couple, but I scoured the whole blog best I could.

Anyway, nowadays, HBO is mostly known as the "Game Of Thrones", channel.
And, every movie on earth can be watched or bought online, so we don't lack for entertainment.
But 80's HBO was the beginning.
And I had access to it in an incredible time in movie history.
Good times.
It was fun going back through them.

Tomorrow, Weee've got pumpkin pot-pur-reeee! Don't wanna dream no moooore!!

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Monday, October 3, 2016

Big Winter Movies Part 2. (Part 1).

Part 0 (Ghostbusters)

And all the way back around, here we are at....

Ash vs Evil Dead (2016)

Same as last time, I'll review the episodes here in comments, then I'll do a full season review, and retro-link it back here, and in "80's slashers".

And once again, we begin with episode one....

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The Update Warriors (Part 3, Masters Of Horror).

Previous chapters.

We lost Angus Scrimm this year. :-(

The Phantasms.
Phantasm Ravager trailer again.

*Sad sigh*
Now to the fun stuff...

Stephen King.

Bunch of King this year.

George Romero.

AMC has confirmed that they've signed he deal for "Empire Of The Dead".
That's it, no other news there.

Clive Barker.

I'm done.
(See slashers)

Tom Holland.

Tom Holland has a horror news and merch website, called "Tom Holland's Terror Time".

Sam Raimi.

"Ash vs Evil Dead", season 2!!
(See slashers)

Tom Six.

The Soska Sisters.

  • Their next project is a remake of Cronenberg's "Rabid".
  • They're the hosts of the gameshow "Hellevator".
  • "Painkiller Jane", quietly vanished.
  • Finally, they're working on a monster horror flick called "Bob".
  • ....come ooooon!! Make something GOOD!!!! AAHHH!!!!

Robert Kirkman.

  • Jeffrey Dean Morgan played Negan in "The Walking Dead", in the finale cliffhanger groan heard round the world.
  • "Fear", sucks, I'm done.

Lloyd Kaufman.

No word on Nuke 'Em 2. BUT, movement finally on Toxie remake!!

Guillermo Del Toro.

Guillermo Del Toro is allegedly making a movie of "Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark".
I'm so fucking there.

Ridley Scott.

"Alien: Paradise Lost", is now "Alien: Covenant".
Ridley Scott has said there will be two sequels to "Alien: Covenant", leading directly into "Alien".
Looks like he's deliberately ruining Alien 5 ever happening.
But, "Chappie", probably already did that.

Joe Dante.

Jo Dante has a new movie out called "Burying The Ex".
I've heard it blows.
Also, Zach Galligan (Billy from 'Gremlins') says Gremlins 3 won't be a reboot or remake, but be more like "Jurassic World". least there's that....

Quickie updates from last year...
  • Nothing new from Tobe Hooper. Unless you count the TCM reboot/prequel (see slashers).
  • Nothing new from Thomas Harris. Hannibal is still gone, and Lifetime can't get their shit together on the Clarice series.
  • Vince Gilligan, I gave up on "Better Call Saul". It's made well, it just wasn't clicking for me.
  • Haven't heard anything about Wes Craven's  shows in development.
  • Still nothing out of Cameron Romero's "Origins". If there's nothing on it next year, I'm calling it dead.

And that's it for those fellas.

Tomorrow, Weee've got truuuuue stooorriies! Don't wanna dream no moooore!!

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