Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Barbarians!


Another one I couldn't squeeze into the X-Mas hero-thon...


Conan The Barbarian

The film-

From here...

Conan is a fucking epic masterpiece. 
It barely even needs to be said. 
They're trying to get a remake going. 
Fuck you, Hollywood. 

Said it elsewhere I think, but screw Arnold, this is Sandahl Bergman's movie from the second she steps on the screen.

Ahh..Sandahl...*cartoon hearts*

And of course, the Poledouris score fucking owns.

The history-

I had the Marvel Comics adaptation of this as a kid, cuz I wasn't allowed to watch the movie because of the witch-fucking scene.
Well, the witch-fucking scene in the comic was just a make-out session, and, I didn't see what the big deal was.
I was like "what? They just kiss a bit, and the girl goes "oh, Barbarian!"", and I did the voice, and everyone cracked up.
Course, I thought all laughter directed my way that I didn't intend via a joke, was ridicule, and several hundred moments like that added up, and gave me a complex that lasted until my teens.

So, I might not be this neurotic mess of a human being, if my parents had just let me watch witch-fucking and gotten it over with.
Let that be a warning to all you new parents out there.


Conan The Destroyer


The film-

Obviously not as good as the first, but it has its moments.

If you take the blood and tits of the first one, and the magic and monsters of this one, you've pretty much got the Robert E. Howard novels.

The history-

This, I was allowed to watch all the way through on HBO.
Apparently, severed cannibal heads, and green Daggoth brain fluids are fine.
It's just witch & Sandahl titty that's objectionable.

You listening, parents?
This hypocrisy waking you the fuck up?
Eh?


Red Sonja


The film/history-

See here.


Ator The Fighting Eagle


The film-

Yhep, if ever there was a B-movie him-bo, it's good ol' Miles O' Keefe.
These...were bad....

The history-

I seem to remember a scene where he meets this guy in the middle of the desert boiling himself in oil from the waist down to destroy his peepee because it was "evil", and "getting him into all sorts of trouble".

Was it this one, or one of the sequels?
Ah, who knows?


Yor: The Hunter From The Future


The film/history-

This!




Beastmaster


The film-

From here...

Beastmaster, I dug it as a kid. 
It doesn't quite hold up to how I remember it, but still good. 
Rip Torn is a magnificent bastard in it.

The history-

...and, the cute ferrets, and, the bird men that dissolve you with snot, and the cow fetus being teleported into Dar's mom's womb always disturbed the hell out of me...lotta memories...lotta memories....


Beastmaster 2: 
Through The Portal Of Time


The film-

Eh....about the only flick I can think of where a sword and sandal flick crosses over into modern times.

Masters of the Universe coming to Earth is...similar, but not quite the same...

The history-

Hyla and Spencer eye-rolled their way through this with me.
Heh heh....they didn't know what was coming up in part 3 though....
3 makes 2 look like...well, Masters of the Universe at least.
Possibly Conan The Destroyer.


Beastmaster III:
The Eye Of Braxus


The film/history-

*Sadistic grin*

One word....

Cowabunga.

You'll understand if you see the film.
*Grins, nods, twiddles fingers like an evil scientist*


Kull The Conquerer


The film-

Feces.

The history-

Cable.
Could only stand it for a few minutes.


The Scorpion King


The film-

Ehhh...

Trying to be Conan, and Kevin Sorbo Hercules...and...I dunno what.
Tries....being the operative word....
Wile E. Coyote tries.

The history-

Rental.
It was a gloomy enough day, that even this lifted it up a little.


Conan The Barbarian (2011)


The film-

You maniacs!! You did it!! You finally did it!!
Awww damn you!!!
Damn you all to heeelll!!!
*Collapses on the beach*

The history-

N/A

And, that's those...up next...no fuggin' idea....


11 comments:

hyla2 said...

Awesome.

But wait . . . are you going to do a fantasy subsection? What of 'The Sword & The Sorcerer'? What of 'Dragonslayer'? What . . . of KRULL!?

Not that there was any particularly 'super' heroes in those (especially Dragonslayer), but. Y'know. *shrugs*

Diacanu said...

Well....the kid in Dragonslayer could use the amulet...

hyla2 said...

Aaahhh, there ya go . . .

OH! The wife just thought of another 'barbarian' flick.

THE SCORPION KING!

Geez. How did that fail to revitalize the loincloth genre?

. . .

Oh right. It stank.

Diacanu said...

I thought of that one virtually as I hit "send", on this one, but I was tired, and said "fuck it".

I'll retro it in sometime today...

hyla2 said...

Fair enough.

That flick was so disappointing, too. Mummy 2 sets you up for some vicious, badass, conquerer mofo . . . like the pro-wrestling character of The Rock in sandals . . .

Instead we get Dwayne Johnson being a swell if slightly smartass good guy hero. Myeh.

Diacanu said...

Added.

hyla2 said...

Remember back in the day when The Rock (the character, not actual Dwayne Johnson) was a super-dick? That guy with a sword. That's what I wanted to see.

Instead I got 'Walking Tall'-Dwayne with a sword. And his troupe of fell-out-of-a-barbarian-movie-formula-kit boon companions.

At least you only had to see it on TV. I went to the theater. Yes. No, wait, it gets worse. I was supposed to meet a buddy there to see it with, but I got there late, the theater was already packed, I couldn't find the jackass, and the lights went down.

So I had to find me a seat on the rightfully scorned far right, outside the aisle, by the wall seats, and watch Scorpion King on a screen tilted away from me, with my head twisted half around the whole time, BY MYSELF.

On the whole, I had a better time at Garbage Pail Kids. (both times)
>P

Diacanu said...

Well, you see, the "teaching moment", of that incident clearly passed you by.

Luckily, you have me here to retrieve it for you.

The message is, buy some free weights, some protein shakes, and a sword, get huge, and get medieval on some muthafuckas.

hyla2 said...

AH. Indeed.

Then so I shall do. BUT, to set forth my foot upon this path to bloody glory in the most bold and auspicious fashion possible, I shall first seek out The Rock, that I might stand before him and sayeth:

'You. You, sir, are no Scorpion King. You are a bitch'.

Only victory can await . . .

;b

Diacanu said...

No, not a bitch...a Tooth Fairy.

hyla2 said...

True enough. Especially since he'd no doubt be removing my teeth . . .

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