Monday, October 12, 2015

Fun Sized Movie Treats (Part 7)

"Ooo! Piece of candy!".
-James Woods.

Four in one today.
Like yesterday, don't get excited.

The First Four Amityvilles.

From here.

Maybe this ropes me into doing the whole series, but...fuck it, I'm not gonna.
They're all just awful.

'Cept maybe the first one.
And, really only cuz Margot Kidder gets naked.

Well, that was three years ago, and here I am.
Also, I re-watched part 1, and I was wrong. Margot was full-frontal in some other movie before this.
There's a little bit of nip-slip though.


The Amityville Horror (1979)
Take away the scary music, and engage your critical mind, and...these are the most boring un-scary ghosts ever.
All the real fear comes from Catholic hysteria.
I think there's even a point in the flick where a skeptical secular priest gives a rant how nothing that's happened doesn't have a logical explanation. How right he is.
You debunked yourself, movie. How meta.
I had fun going through (and you can do this too) and labeling it all "hysteria", "hallucination", "dream", "sleep paralysis dream", "no one else was there, so a lie", "bullshit drama act to get validation", and so on.
This whole series really ought to be called "Hysterical Catholics", and have Looney Tunes music for the score.

Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
See here.

Amityville 3-D (1983)
See here.

Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes (1989)
The Catholics are really hysterical this time.
This time, they're scared of a fucking lamp.
Yep....a lamp.
Oh, it's no normal lamp, it looks like a tree man with a big light bulb for a head, and Christmas lights for fingers. It'd be a nifty carnival haunted house decoration, but...come on, movie.
Also, at the end, the spirit of the lamp goes into the cat.
A demon possessed cat would be indistinguishable from a regular cat in every single way.

Okay, continuity note time.

2 is the prequel to 1.
3, the house is destroyed, so that's always the end.
4, the house is back, so it's a prequel to 3.


2 is 1, 1 is 2, 4 is 3, and 3 is 4.

Got that?
All righty then.

*Rubs hands together*

From here.

I just figured out the format too!

I'll apply Carl Sagan's Baloney Detection Kit to each one.

Yep, that's right, I'm retroactively making this happen. B-)
So, here we go.

Applying this to Diane Warren, and the Lutzes, and only the first movie....

1. How reliable is the source of the claim? 

Not very. 

2. Does this source often make similar claims? 

Hells yeah.

3. Have the claims been verified by another source? 

Going by just the movie, they studiously avoided psychiatrists, and scientific testing, and went right for the ooga-booga shit. So, a big "no", on that one.

4. How does the claim fit with what we know about how the world works? 

Not very well.
Basically, the assertion is that emotions are an invisible physical stuff instead of a transitory brain state, and really bad feelings can stick to a house, and make it come to life (despite not having biological anatomy), and be "bad", in a Manichaean moral sense.
This is not how emotions, morals, or houses work.
Any more than the body is governed by humors, or babies come from the stork.

5. Has anyone gone out of the way to disprove the claim, or has only supportive evidence been sought? 

See 3. Right to the ooga booga.

6. Does the preponderance of evidence point to the claimant's conclusion or to a different one? 

The latter.

7. Is the claimant employing the accepted rules of reason and tools of research, or have these been abandoned in favor of others that lead to the desired conclusion? 

The latter.

8. Is the claimant providing an explanation for the observed phenomena or merely denying the existing explanation? 

The latter.

9. If the claimant proffers a new explanation, does it account for as many phenomena as the old explanation did? 

Hells no.
Nobody asks "why is Satan doing this?".
"Why is God allowing Satan to do this?".
"HOW are God and Satan doing this?".
"Howcome Catholics are the only religion that can fix this?".
We're basically left with "magic", and "mysterious ways", and that's no explanation at all.
And "because we fucking say so", for the last one.

10. Do the claimant's personal beliefs and biases drive the conclusions, or vice versa? 

The former.
Hell YES the former.

And that's taking the film at face value.
There are second hand accounts of the Lutzes admitting that they and Jay Anson sat around with a typwriter and some wine, and made it all up.

There's your "mysterious ways".

As for the sequels, that's cynical Hollywood shit, so of course those are made up.

Okay, but set aside my atheist-skeptic biases, and accepting that all movies are fiction anyway, are they good flicks?
The first one.
That's a serviceable little horror flick, but nothing worth the legendary status it holds.
At least with the movie stars, and famous score, it's a real movie.
After that, nose dive.

Next up, the nose dive.

Read More......

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Fun Sized Movie Treats (Part 6)

"Ooo! Piece of candy!".
-James Woods.

Today, you get five in one.
Don't get excited though, cuz it's just...

The Godawful Hellraiser sequels.

Long before Clive Barker officially ruined the series in canon with his own ten typing fingers (see "The Scarlet Gospels"), he quietly sat back, and let others destroy it for him.
Who knew I'd end up missing those days?

From here.

I can't watch 'em.

If they get worse than Bloodline, I just can't fucking watch 'em.

And, apparently, they do, Rotten Tomatoes savages these ones.

I love Pinhead, I love Doug Bradley, I'm glad he kept getting pay-days off of this franchise, and if some suckers bought these, I hope they at least liked 'em.

I just will not be seeing them.

Well, that was 2011, and I held out for 4 years.
I marathon-ed 'em this summer.
I barely survived it, and needed antidote movies and recuperative bed rest after each one.

Jesus only suffered for two days, this shit took a week.
Am I saying I should be on necklaces, and constantly in your thoughts?
No, but shares and likes would be nice. ;-)

Here we go...

Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)
The old "the cop is the killer and doesn't know it", plot.
Pinhead shows up almost as a cameo.
Heartless cash grab, miserable movie.
Teenagers on IMDB like it. Fuck you, whippersnappers.

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)
Kirsty Cotton comes back, and she's evil and sucks now.
Fuck you, movie.
Also, again, Pinhead is practically a cameo.
There are people that consider this one of the better sequels.
Those people can wash my balls.

Hellraiser: Deader (2005)
Something about a cenobyte cult, Kari Wuhrer (from "Beastmaster 2", and MTV's "Remote Control") is the protagonist who gets sucked into the bullshit, and has to find a way out.
Her character doesn't matter, it's Kari Wuhrer.
Pinhead wanders in at the end for his cameo.
So boring, my brain barely absorbed it, there's only flickers.

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)
The Hellraiser movie universe gets made into an MMORPG, and "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory", style, a bunch of dummies win a trip to meet the maker of the game, and get bumped off.
Willie Wonka is played by Lance Henriksen, and he's the only one there (besides Doug Bradley) that can act.
Almost worth watching to see him.
Also, Pinhead makes his obligatory cameo at the end.

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)
Doug Bradley is replaced by a guy trying and failing to hide his pot belly.
Indescribably awful.
I thought the first four were boring and terrible, but this took it to a whole new level.
It's like bad Hellraiser fanfic written by a 12 year old, directed by his dad, but given a half-decent Hollywood trained director of photography, so a primal part of your brain thinks it's a real movie, but is perpetually confused by the rest of it.
One of those ones that's so bad, it reaches out of the screen, and beats you up.
Avoid this.

So, the only good things involving Pinhead were the first two movies, really.
And the Motorhead video makes me smile.
Three has good parts, but the bad is starting to creep in, four, good parts, but the balance tilts towards bad, then it falls right off a cliff after that.

And "Leviathan", was boring.

Then..."The Scarlet Gospels"...*cough*.........*cough*.....

So, yeah, first two movies.
Let's happily remember those.

It doesn't look like anything new and good from this series is going to come out in our lifetime.
A pity, the potential was there for such magnificence.
But, Barker fumbled it.

Candyman too.
But, that's a ramble for another day.

Next up, for God's sake, get out!!

Read More......

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Fun Sized Movie Treats (Part 5)

"Ooo! Piece of candy!".
-James Woods.

I spoiled ya yesterday with two, but today we're back to one...

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

Man, there was really something fucked up about 1983.
How many flicks and weird comics from that year does this make now?

Well, people try not to spoil the twist of this one, but "Robot Chicken", spoiled it, and if you so much as Google the title, the image results spoil it.

Shit, there's even a sorta-spoiler in the hint from last episode.
Sorry 'bout that.

But, I'll naively pretend you're slow on the uptake, and haven't been spoiled, and spoil something else.

The killer wipes out the kids in this one.
Yep, Jason always went after the counselors, but spared the kids, but this one, everyone gets it.

Also, the camp cook is the most overt pedophile I've ever seen in cinema.
Jared from Subway level overt.
You're so fucked up, 1983.

Anyway, even if you end up spoiled on the ending, it's still worth seeing.
I kinda knew from "Robot Chicken", but wasn't sure if they were joking, and the ending still got me.

Let's just say though, do not expect the slightest grain of political correctness in this one.
It was 1983 after all.

Anyway, you can watch the whole flick right here.

Next up, seriously, The Hell Priest?!!?

Read More......

Friday, October 9, 2015

Fun Sized Movie Treats (Part 4)

"Ooo! Piece of candy!".
-James Woods.

Special bonus episode...

The Final Girls (2015)

As with "Final Girl", mentioned in 80's slashers.
Go there for the plot description, I ain't rehashing it.


Gush!! Gush!! Gush!!

Blush!! Goosebumps! Cartoon hearts!

Yeah, that fuckin' blows "Final Girl", to bits!!

Also, fuck what Paramount's doing, this is Friday The 13th part 13.
Their stale little re-reboot can be 13.5.

I was afraid the ending would choke me up...and it did.

Gotta add this to the collection next to "Behind The Mask", and "Cabin In The Woods".

Y'know...I think I might actually like this better than "Behind The Mask".

I dunno where I'd rank it up against "Cabin", they're so different.
I need a year or so to think it over.

Now, they have to hurry up, and make "Final Girls 2: Cruel Summer".

Next up, another killer at a camp, plus a sensitive 80's eye view of gender identity.

Read More......

Fun Sized Movie Treats (Part 3)

"Ooo! Piece of candy!".
-James Woods.

Another new one...

Deathgasm (2015)

Stumbled onto this one looking up "Tales Of Halloween", couldn't get ahold of that one, so went with this one, and was pleasantly surprised

It's "Evil Dead 2", meets "Shaun Of The Dead", meets "The Gate", meets "Metalocalypse".

A misfit outcast metal-head teen in New Zealand and his friends form a band called "Deathgasm", and summon some demons with some ancient sheet music, and wacky hi-jinks ensue.

The execution isn't the greatest thing ever, about on a three and a half out of five star level.
It's cute, and fun, and entertains, and its got gore, and heart, and laughs, and I'd recommend it.

One thing you get a window into, high school is the same everywhere, and sucks everywhere.
Doesn't matter the language or accent.
Same bullshit.

One minor spoiler, there's one scene where the hero and his best friend fight the zombie version of his parents with their sex toys from their dresser drawer as weapons.
That was worth the whole movie for me.
That was my "serious drawer", story come to life onscreen.

So, yeah, if you've run out of Hollywood shit, and obscure cult stuff, try this one out.

Next up, back to the 80's via 2015, and without a flux capacitor. ;-)

Read More......

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Fun Sized Movie Treats (Part 2)

"Ooo! Piece of candy!".
-James Woods.

Okay, you know the drill from yesterday, let's get down to business.

Blackout (1985)

Never actually saw it in '85, but the pic from that VHS cover/poster was in the HBO guide, and that alone gave me fuckin' nightmares at the time.

Totally oblivious then that that style of mask was/is a bondage scene thing.

Nowadays, BDSM is fairly mainstream, even if you're not into it, you kinda know the score, and I chuckle now at its imagery being threatening to white-bread America.

Aaaaanyhoo, found it on Youtube a couple days ago, might've been over the weekend.
Made-for-TV schlock.
Bad acting, watered down implied violence, shrill self-righteous morals.

About a guy who kills his family, then gets into a car accident that mutilates his face, and gives him amnesia, and he gets plastic surgery, marries his nurse, and starts a new family.
They throw in some twists that try to make you think he's not the guy, then they twist it back, and he's the guy. Not really spoilers, you would've seen all this coming if you watched it.
Also, he wears that mask for murders and rapes.
They never once mention the mask comes from a BDSM shop.

Of course, his prior self comes back as an alternate personality, and changes him back.
We know now, amnesia doesn't work that way, and multiple personalities don't work that way.
Well, the public knows, experts knew then, and you'd think the writers would've done research.

Anyway, piece of crap, but another one I'm glad I exorcised.

Next up, metal health will drive you mad. ;-)

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Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Fun Sized Movie Treats (Part 1)

"Ooo! Piece of candy!".
-James Woods.

From Monday's post.

Up next, in a crapload of days, Halloween.
I'll try to find something to put up between now and then though.

Well, it finally hit me.

Little bite-sized quickie reviews.
Then, I have something for every day until Halloween, and I don't have to kill myself.
Also, make as many as possible shit I've already seen.
That'll save brain calories and sanity too.
But, for today, a new one.
I actually saw it a couple days ago.

The Final Girl (2015)

Mentioned it before in 80's slashers.

*Wavey hand* meh.
The critics were right.

I mean, it's decent, you'll be entertained as you watch it, but it doesn't stay with you.
The girl takes out the bad guys, and her plan goes to plan.
There's no twists, or turns, or complications, or character development that would come from those things.
No memorable lines either.
It's just "here's the scenario, watch it happen".
It's a nifty scenario, nice little revenge fantasy, but...meh.

If you want a really awesome, scary, tense girl-power revenge story, "Hard Candy", can't be beat.
Watch that instead.

"The Final Girls", comes out this Friday, and has to be better.
Hope I can get my hands on it.

Okay, that's it.
Gotta keep it bite-sized.

Next lips are zipped. ;-)

Read More......

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