So, this past year and some change, I've had a bunch of lists, and a list of the lists, and, I've been pecking away at the thing, and....I think I've finally about used it up now.
...except "holidays", that's still a running project.
But, that'll get done too.
And, that list is closing in on done.
Winter will pretty much kill it off.
So, here's shit that popped into my head way back when I was hammering out the giant list, and...I find it's crap I don't wanna do anymore.
But, I got some time to fill, so, I'll make a post about it, and kill it off with that.
"Lemons Into Lemonade".
I...really don't know what the fuck this was going to be.
It was going to be a threequel to "Life Is Just Awful", and "Life Is Just Lovely", and...was going to find the silver lining to all the bad shit, or...something...somehow.
But, not like self helper bullshit like "Innerspace", ended up as.
Like, it was gonna even be a little dark if it had to be, like Onion headlines, y'know?
Fuck that, I just gotta do fresh stuff. Again, no more recaps.
"First-world problems", was that.
A prequel to the "I love the...", stuff that's compiled as "Krazy For Decades".
All right, this idea was actually pretty good, but...it was just gonna take weeks of time I don't want to spend anymore.
I got a big project coming up for early 2013, gotta clean my slate, no more bullshit.
Anyway, the idea, was I was going to go back, and find all the sick and weird stuff that was censored from mainstream history starting at the 1900's, and catching back up to the 70's.
Has cover paintings for lesbian porno novels of the 1950's and 1960's.
Lot of ones where the guy gets to watch.
Nothing explicit, and it's funny as hell to see "Father Knows Best", looking people engaged in these hi-jinks.
And, it's real for the era, not some Facebook meme parody.
People have always liked their porn.
The 50's weren't Republican-Disneyland at all.
And if you want some dirty blues from the 30's/40's, look up anything by Bo Carter, or Blind Boy Fuller.
I don't think they wrote any clean songs.
So, yeah, the entry would have been decade by decade, and stuff like that.
Dirty blues, beatnik poets, junkie novelists, it would have had it all.
Would've been fun, but...well, I gave my reasons.
After you've (at least this is my experience) tasted the joys of dark shows like "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia , or "Louie", you...really can't go back to censored, laugh-track-y, formula-written, cutesie little network sitcoms.
I mean...you CAN...but you've really gotta be rewarded for your efforts, and....there's no payout for me.
Basic cable is edgy, it's meeting all my entertainment needs as an angry cynical guy, what have you done for me lately, network TV?
Step it up, or go away.
Secondly....I've actually sat down, and watched some of this show now.
It offends me.
It pretends to be affectionate to nerds, and nerd culture, and I do applaud whomever does their research for comics, and movies, and such, but...it's really kind of insulting.
Even if it doesn't intend to be.
It looks at it from an outside-in point of view, so, it still buys into the fucking stereotypes, that if you're not into bars, and parties, then, there's something wrong with you, and it must be because you're inferior in "social intelligence", or emotionally inhibited, or, damaged in some way.
And, all of that assumes this baseline that everyone has to aspire to.
If you've read this blog for any amount of time, I'm philosophically opposed to that to within a quark of my being.
I don't just disagree, I oppose, I despise.
Oh, it's not quite as bad as Urkel needing to turn into his version of "Buddy Love", to get with Whatsername, but...the subtext is pretty clear.
It's not even subtle.
It's still this revolting American "winners/losers", fucking mentality that's destroyed everything it touches, but stupid people still can't wake the fuck up from it.
And..it plays it all off like TV always has "oh ho hooo, isn't that cuuute?".
They used to play off racism that way.
They play off every form of segregated rejection that way.
"Ohhh, isn't the deaf girl with slurred speech cute?", "ohhh, isn't the midget cute?", "ohhh, isn't the little nigger cute? He thinks he's people!".
I'm supposed to eat this bit of table scraps?
Eat shit. And die.
You're picking on that culture.
You're picking on 'em.
It's just like William Hung on American Idol.
It's picking on.
I don't like it.
Pisses me off.
Fuck off with that.
That's not making strides, it's a minstrel show.
And geeks don't NEED the bone of a lame douchebag sitcom, they own the fucking world.
Why do we still have to put up with this "eew, comic books! Loser! Eeew!", shit?
Is the rest of the stupid country really still stuck in the 90's?
They need their little hands held to be dragged into the future?
Maybe so, but count me out, I'm not playing along.
It's the conquered species that should be kneeling and begging, not us.
Anyway, gimme Venture Brothers. That shows how cool geeks really are.
No bullshit tapdancing, no saccharine, and no laugh tracks.
Gawd, I can't stand another fucking laugh track.
Never watched it, really.
We were going through the fucking nightmare of the Bush years, and I gotta watch this fucking fantasy?
No, fuck that, I felt like fucking Morgan Freeman in "Shawshank".
"Hope is a dangerous thing".
I just didn't wanna fuckin' hear it.
You don't play Disney films to the death camp inmates.
It's crass, and cruel.
I bitterly resisted what it stood for from just advertisements alone.
It's probably unfair, Bush is gone, the wounds have scabbed over, but, no, I'm just not going back to reclaim it, I missed out, and it's gone forever, and that's just how it is.
Life is like that.
I liked Tattoo, I liked the opening with "the plane! The plane!".
After that, it would devolve into some "Love Boat", shit.
Herve Villachez himself turned on the show.
Which...I thought was stupid of him to do..he should have exploited it for more roles.
Just pointing out, it wasn't just me.
Man, America was stupid.
You watched some stupid crap, America.
I never figured this out.
She's a feminist icon....off of role-modeling housewife-y shit, and conformity, and mediocrity?
How does that work?
And how does it work, that her fanbase see her as some kind of...friend...and everyone who's personally known her, up to, and including, her own children find her as cuddly as a bag of rattlesnakes?
It almost makes me believe that TV gives off hypnotic impulses, or something.
Maybe there's literally something to the world as depicted in John Carpenter's "They Live".
It makes me fucking wonder....
Particularly the "jump the shark", and "Joannie Loves Chachi", years.
Charles In Charge
Scott Baio, there's nothing good about what you do, or who you are.
Blew my mind that she got saddled with that G-rated "queen of nice", horseshit.
She used to be an edgy fucking standup.
A lot of people don't remember, I do.
She was actually cool when she started.
Yeah, I know, hard to believe, but trust me.
See "Love Boat".
Although, there is the theory that the characters represented the Seven Deadly Sins, the island represented Hell, and Gilligan, with his red shirt, was Satan keeping them there.
Applying this theory suddenly makes everything awesome.
Lost In Space
Cute when you're a kid, doesn't hold up.
See "Love Boat".
I did like the ironic take of the remake movies though...
Chico and The Man
Y'know the racism part of my "Big Bang Theory", rant?
This was the Chicano version of that.
All the fucking judge shows going back to People's Court
Yep, People's Court, it meant well, but it unleashed a fucking beast.
It's...really an extension of what I said about "Cops".
Y'know, they parade this endless line of fucking knuckleheads, who just happen to be minorities, so the (white) audience can look down their nose, and feel good about themselves.
And they have to perform this ritual every fucking day of their repulsive lives, because they hate themselves.
That's America all over.
I mean...this is just too easy, isn't it?
This whole industry, and all its loathsome wretched little parasites, need to go from our civilization.
It just needs to stop.
All of it.
It's pointless at best, it spreads misery, and eating disorders at worst.
Which, I consider a roundabout form of self-mutilation.
There is no moral argument that makes any of this horror righteous or just.
Don't wait for it.
Fashion, is all ugly.
The proof of it, is how it has to keep changing, and changing, and the shit that's fawned over right now is spat upon in a couple months.
It was always ugly.
I've always known it, I've never worn the costumes of my times, I stick to generic practical wear.
Yes, Hyla, I still wear my denim suit.
It's black now to match my heart, but aside from that....
So...yeah, the whole core of the whole machine is just a meaningless illusion, so bye-bye to any justification of any of its little side-shows.
Y'know, and while I'm ripping into fashion....
My grandmother was addicted to their garbage.
What another wasteful pursuit jewelry is.
Covered in blood.
The blood of slave children.
When womankind joins as one, and gets the moral courage to overthrow this wasteful abominable ritual of feeding the evil diamond barons for every fucking wedding, every fucking engagement, for nothing better than personal greed, and playing "keeping up with my bitch friends", I'll take far more seriously some of their pettier complaints about men.
For now, I'm as disappointed in them as the rest of this awful species.
This whole monster that weddings have become is all a fake tradition created by ad campaigns that's only about 50 years old, tops.
And, it's a beast that can no longer be fed.
It's gotta go.
Weddings should be...Swamp Thing style.
The couple makes a ring out of vines, and flowers, and they drop acid together, and mind-meld.
Nice and simple.
And beautiful, truly beautiful.
No corporate middle-men sticking their dicks in.
And no QVC.
So...I think that covers all the rest of TV history.
If you want to see me tear down more shitty old shows, take another trip through "Krazy for decades".
I tore more into all the shitty game-shows in that one.
Ugh, game-shows, I didn't even touch those in these...
Some more culturally significant shows I could have easily done without.
The Battlestar Galactica remake.
At best, it did nothing for me, at worst, it pissed me off.
There was nothing there for me to connect to, I didn't like anybody.
Not enough to tough out the show, anyway.
Here I am tapdancing on its grave the day after the finale. Link.
I've sounded off about this before.
(Here, and here)
It got three episodes ahead of me at the beginning, and...I never worked up the will to catch up.
How long was that on?
Hmph, go figure.
Game of thrones
On a channel I don't have.
They could cancel it now, and I wouldn't blink.
I hear streaming reruns, or getting the DVDs out has been a fucking debacle.
Glad I didn't get sucked into it.
Sounds like a hellish franchise to be a fan of.
I'll pass, thanks.
The Eric Andre Show
More Tim & Eric flavored crap.
Gotta say it again, take the live action stuff, and shove it up your ass, Cartoon Network.
Gimme my next season of Venture Brothers, you sons of bitches.
Oh, I was SO glad when this pretentious poser-y bullshit was over, and I SO called that the ending would be total nonsense that made everything before a waste of time.
Called it to the letter.
Yeah, keep peddling that quackery, pop culture.
Where would America be without it's grade-a premium cut bullshit?
Speaking of peddling quackery...
Yeah, Oprah-Chopra picked this muthafucka.
And yes, he's had Deepak on.
And not to spit in his face.
Practically inhaled his teabag.
This is another one of these public figures everyone fucking looooves, and thinks is wonderful....and she's just fucking awful.
A fucking shameless narcissist, a raging messiah complex, peddled the worst quack gurus this culture has ever shat out, that part alone has genuinely set us back 25 years as a species (at a fucking minimum!) no redeeming fucking value, and America thinks she's literally a saint.
I've ranted about her before, I know, but...fuckin-a!
What the fuck is WRONG with you, America??
What the fuck is WRONG with you???
Oprah's first and worst butt-baby.
I actually think he's flat-out destructive.
I find him vile.
Unworthy of drawing breath, maybe.
He should kill himself.
I repeat, what the fuck is the matter with you, America?
In fact, fuck all daytime talk TV, now that I think about it.
It's all evil condescending shit, and with rare exception, pretty much always has been.
If you ever want to to crack it wide open, and see the man behind the curtain, dig up the DVDs of season 3 of "The Osbournes", that shows the behind-the-scenes of Sharon Osbourne's first daytime talk show, and watch what nasty scum the producers were to her.
Pieces of shit like that run the whole fucking show.
Daytime is their evil impenetrable fiefdom.
And wonder why anyone with a spine, or something real to say never makes it on there.
Well, I've set myself up for it with the above, but, I gotta tear into Ellen now.
She seems like a sweet person, but her show isn't funny, and the talk part is insipid, and no one challenging or interesting is ever on it.
Never will be.
The music is all FM top 10 candyfloss garbage.
The celebs are all plugging the latest rom-com drivel.
Or, some Adam Sandler/Judd Apatow shit.
It's less than fluff.
It's candy, but a diet of candy leaves you malnourished.
America's fucking brains look like that puppy-eyed starving kid in the Sally Struthers ads.
Y'know, while we're on shitty doctor shows...
I used to like him, cuz of "Loveline", but he got on the Casey Anthony media gravy train bandwagon, and, it turns out he also takes payola from big pharma and lap-band companies.
All the while, waving his sanctimonious finger at doctor-feelgoods who over-prescribe everything, and get kickbacks.
So, he's just another hypocrite whore at the troth.
Are there any good doctor shows on?
Daytime TV is a fuckin' wasteland.
You're all alone.
Seek out your news and knowledge on the internet.
Be fucking grateful as fuck for the internet.
Without internet, we would truly be up shit creek.
Hell, even WITH it, we aren't even sitting too pretty.
Things are still scary and hellish around the edges.
The only thing TV is really good for, is satire, and horror.
And, recipes, I guess.
As a font of knowledge, its been a real letdown.
There was such potential, too....
Anyway, yeah, got off track....
Um, yeah, all of that sucked.
If you didn't know that, well...now you do.
TV sucks, it's dying, but don't mourn it, it dug its own grave.
The good shows?
They'll go somewhere else.
You'll be able to stream 'em off Hulu or something.
But, when the current sales model of TV finally goes?
Almost makes me want to pray.
And the rest of you lot? Fuck you, fuck your whining, fuck your tears, fuck your drama, fuck your fevered egos, fuck your middle-class privilege, fuck your entitlement, and fuck your first-world problems.
And, I got thinking, I've probably blubbered about some first-world problems in these pages.
Usually, irony/humor was intended, like crying over Twinkies.
So, that shit, I don't apologize for.
That's all in fun.
But...I'm sure I probably did it sincerely in places, like a spoiled teenage bitch who didn't get a car for Christmas, so, in a desire not to resemble the Atheism Plus scum in any way, and in the same spirit of spring cleaning (except in the fall) as "Re-sequenced Photons", time for a sequel-of-sorts to the blog review.
Let's go through "Life Is Just Awful", as I suspect the worst culprits will probably be there.
"General cultural criticism", well, those are humor, skip....
"Slogan series", ditto, plus, those complaints are about cultural brainwashing you should get hip to, and resist.
So, that's a public service.
"Innerspace", blah, skip.
Torn that apart already.
Aw, gawd, "Postcards from Podsville", okay, most of that, my apologies.
And, even the 20's one, I'm sure maybe reads to some like "oh, waah, someone employed me!".
Yeah, I get that.
The teen one "oh, waahh! High school sucks!", yes, that's not a new observation.
Everyone hated high school.
All my "high school sucks", ones scattered around, sorry for that.
The "what I don't do", collection, yeah, that's all spleen venting.
Why pay a shrink, when I can abuse you people, right?
The two batches of "there's nothing to know", ditto.
Yeah, yeah, I'm not like other people, and what makes them happy doesn't work for me at all, I've come to terms with it.
No need for anger anymore.
It's just the genetic/neural cards I was dealt.
Time to accept myself, and life, and move on.
Oh, I don't take it back, understand.
A lot of what I've observed really is bullshit.
But, giving it the finger doesn't help.
Nothing short of global genocide really helps.
Just gotta disconnect myself from it, I have no stake in it, focus on things that matter to me.
What little is left....
It's like getting flustered over "Honey Boo-Boo", just don't watch the stupid mess, y'know?
Oh, shit, yeah, "Pussy Control", I gotta address that one separately, cuz that one deals with *gasp* "patriarchy"!!
Yeah, that's a favorite buzzword of the rad-fems.
They blame everything up to and including a stubbed toe, or stale chips on patriarchy.
I (obviously) think patriarchy exists, but I think it's on it's way out, except maybe in middle-eastern countries.
In the west, its worst crimes are in the past, it's just some lingering traces of "Mad Men", kinds of shit, and those people/institutions are dying off.
They're doomed, and they'll crumble on their own.
It's not this mustache-twirling conspiracy that the rad-fems literally lose sleep over.
And...if it were...so what?
You don't fight it by being a fucking crying victim.
That's why I think I really despise rad-fems.
They're not strong.
They're deliberately and consciously a victim culture.
When I think of feminism, I think...of well, Wonder Woman.
Ain't no Wonder Woman on their team.
Oh, I'm sure they think someone like Ophelia Benson fits the bill.
Next fucking case.
That loops it back to the inspiration for this entry.
I'm not going to be a victim of this bullshit anymore if I can possibly help it.
I gotta do things that work.
Well, back to it...
Snark series...well, that's a combination of humor, and big-world problems, so...that evens out.
Religion and politics, covered those in "Re-sequenced Photons".
I covered a lot of this stuff there with the appropriate eye-rolls, and tongue clicks, and hand waves.
Most of that's light, and humorous.
Most of the tragedies are genuine.
Okay, getting kicked off the stupid anime/Tenchi board, that was dramatic at the time, and looking back, was a whole fat lot of nothing.
Ditto burning out on Wordforge, and spewing bile about the place.
Total first-world problem.
"My Batman moment",...yeah, David Robertson and Richard Morgan were/are douchebags, but the Atheism Plussers are nastier than they ever dreamed of.
Bit of irony there.
It isn't lost on me.
I still want to be a Batman against bullshit though.
I just have to focus my vision better.
And I will, on the next big project, after the holidays.
So, that's that.
Looking back over things...there's a bunch of wince-worthy stuff, but, it's part of my growth process.
And, it's not as much as I thought it would be.
I'm actually doing all right with this li'l ol' blog.
And, (as evidenced by this very look-over) I plan to do better.
Yeah, that's the parents wrassling over Cabbage Patch dolls from the 80's.
Since then, it's been Tickle Me Elmos, Beanie Babies, and...frankly, I've long since lost track of the madness.
I really hope online shopping ends this horror show someday.
Doesn't seem to be happening fast enough.
You can usually count on at least one death every year.
Someone always gets their head trampled into a greasy smear of sneaker prints.
The only thing left to wonder is what hapless wage slave of which monolithic soulless retail chain will have to mop up the brains, and what pathetic bargain the grease-stain died over.
I'm wagering on it being Wal-Mart flatscreen TV's this year.
I think they're like...5 bucks off, or something...
Anyway, here's a re-post of my gloomy Cabbage Patch Kids rant.
Cabbage Patch Kids Aw, shit.... Okay, an isolated incident of bad behavior, or stupidity, on the news here and there let me feel like good and evil were distinct, easily identifiable, separate, and balanced in the universe, and that destructive wicked stupidity was "over there", somewhere. I was very happy with that illusion for a long time. VERY happy. But...Cabbage Patch Kids ruined that for me. First of all, they're fucking ugly. Anyone thinks they're cute, they're not right. Mentally, that is. Second, they're expensive, always were. Fifty fuckin' bucks, even in 80's dollars. Outrageous scam. So, they're ugly, and you're payin' out the ass for 'em, which makes ya extra mental. So, the whole phenomenon was nuts to start with... But....on that first black Friday, where mothers were on the news literally beating the shit out of each other for the things, in hoards, like a scene from "the crazies", or "28 days later", and I think someone fucking died....think I heard that... ...It was then...I knew, I really knew, that something was deeply, fundementally, WRONG with human beings. All of them. Everywhere. As a species, something was broken. I've been looking for it ever since. I have some good leads, thanks to neuroscience. It's been a dominating obsession with my life, this quest. I probably should have taken psychology in high school. Woulda come in handy. But, I was unaware I was on this quest. Until fairly recently. So, it's been sloppy trial and error. I'm getting better though. I will find it. Then a nuts and bolts person can fix it. But yeah, Cabbage Patch Kids. Cabbage Patch Kids did it in for me. That was the final straw. Lot more disturbed sleep since that moment in history disrupted my moral universe.
Oh...I have a hard time deciding which is my favorite between Pillsbury, and Toll House....they both have their good points, each does something the other doesn't....
Why choose? Get a log of both.
Now, in my house, as a kid, I was never allowed to go to town on a whole tube, it was like this guilt trip of "oh, if you eat all the dough, we won't have any cookies, and then, won't you be sad?".
Oh, my, what a fucking crime, head for the hills.
So, I'd get one slice of dough, the rest had to be cooked.
Cuz, we were so fucking poor, dough was as precious as gold!
At least, that was the vibe I was given.
Yeah, well, I've since done the math, and I could have been having all the goddamned dough I wanted.
And now, eating dough logs is a normal human behavior.
Fuck, it's an ice cream topping!
Well, howcome in the early 80's, the same behavior was supposed to turn you into some kind of reprobate?
I think everything I was told was probably bullshit.
Best to write it all off.
"Fried dough", my ass, they're fucking dough boys.
If I travel the world, I'm not changing.
Dough boys here, dough boys now, dough boys forever.
One time, at Fryeburg Fair, there was a hornet infestation, and they got in all the cotton candy, and the candied apples, and all the dough boy toppings.
They got DRUNK off the dough boy toppings.
I fought them over it, and won.
I want my fucking lemon pie filing, and Bavarian cream, dammit.
Ain't no hornets gonna stop me.
I ain't no pussy, I'll fight and kill MONSTERS for a goddamned good dough boy.
Think it's bluster?
Their core is ice cream, but they have everything, and they come to your house like the milkman.
Last I knew, Popsicle brand had them back on shelves. This was 2011, they may or may not be gone again.
But, they were gone for a long fucking time, and they were gone and back, gone and back, a whole bunch of times before that.
And, I don't know why they kept fucking going away, everyone loved them, they instantly become the best thing in the popsicle section, they make Fudge-cicles look like diarrhea, they make popsicles look like spittle, they're just fucking awesome.
They're just...one of the best things ever.
One of the best things in life.
Better than sex.
Sex is done in a couple minutes, you can keep eating the damned pudding pops.
Anyway, yes, Bill Cosby was the Jell-O pitch man, and yes, every hacky white guy who does a Cosby impression is obligated by law to mention "Zibbidy bop! Jell-O pudding pops! Aww-aww-aww!!".
It's not a fucking fish, assholes.
It's a fucking blanket name for a 100 types of fish, and I only started hearing it very recently, and I think it's pretentious phony Madison Avenue bullshit.
And, I'm being generous with 2010 to cover my ass, but...I swear it feels like only this year.
No, they didn't genetically invent a new fucking fish, and the gourmets haven't been hiding shit from us.
What I really think is happening, is this is how they're going to cover up the extinction of Haddock.
And yes, they are going fucking extinct.
And, I don't absolve myself in the shared guilt on that one.
But, at least I own up to it, and refuse to play fucking make-believe.
So, this is how the cover up works.
They use the blanket species term, get you eating a bunch of other whitefish, then, when Haddock quietly go away, you'll still technically be eating "tilapia".
And, all the while, you get to utter a pretentious new word to sound snooty, and impress your moronic dipshit white-upper-middle-class friends!
Adirondack's Citrus frost is far superior. It's got more citrus-y bite with a little tang of grapefruit on the back end. Very tasty, very refreshing. Citra WISHES it were as good as Citrus frost.
Citra is made by the big heartless Pepsi corporation. Don't be seduced by Citra just because Pepsi has more dough for advertising.They won't be happy until they take your 3rd party choices away and dominate the soft drink market.
Adirondack has a hit on their hands with Citrus Frost and Pepsi knows it. Citra tastes like a sugared up weaker version of Citrus frost. Obviously to please the uneducated masses who's palettes have been spoiled by too much Mountain Dew.
You deserve better. Try a boss of Adirondack citrus frost this week. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Pepsi has wanted to crush Adirondack for a long time. They'd go after RC if they could, but they've got too big a following.
Don't let Citrus frost get pushed off the grocery store shelves by the big guys. Buy lots of Citrus frost and boycott Citra.
Citra is a second rate knockoff of Citrus frost anyways, you won't be missing much. Try Adirondack's cranberry orange while you're at it, it's very yummy indeed.
Adirondack needs all the help it can get so it can become the next RC. We can't do anything about the Republi-crats, but by god, we can throw a monkey wrench into the Pepsi/Coke cartel.
Send a message with your wallets. Show them you'll have nothing to do with their bastardized body snatcher clone of Citrus frost they dare call Citra. God willing, Adirondack will get the message and start selling Citrus frost in cans. Join my campaign! All you have to do is buy a boss of soda. Spread the good word about Citrus frost! We've got to help Citrus frost kick Citra's copycat ass back to the factory it came from!!
Okay, so, Citrus Frost...kinda won.
Yes, you can get it in cans now.
Yes, Citra died.
But, it's back as Fanta Citrus.
So...I dunno quite how to score that one.
Nowadays, I recommend having one can of Citrus Frost for the taste, then, washing out your kidneys with 3 big glasses of water, and then, never again.
Remember the experience real hard.
Otherwise, when you're closing in on 40, you'll start peeing glass.
And, that's not fun.
Nothing says "party's over", like peeing glass.
Fryeburg Fair Fudge (????-????)
That's a nice picture of how proper peanut butter fudge should look.
If yours is translucent, and bland, go stir your guts with a butcher knife.
That's the blunt version.
Here's young-me doing a deliberate parody of every snotty shitty restaurant review ever.
I may not know much (and I have an ugly voice, an obnoxious personality, and everyone I meet hates me instantly) but if it's one thing I DO know, it's fudge.
When I say a fudge is bad, you can pretty much accept it as gospel that it IS bad.
Let me tell you, never EVER buy fudge from the vendors at the Fryberg Fair calling themselves "Copper Kettle Candymakers".
Their peanut butter fudge (if one can even call it that) is a pale imitation of anything even approaching edible.
There is no peanut butter flavor anywhere to be found. It's like eating a chunk of pure sugar.
No, pure sugar would at least assault ones senses. This "flavor", is weak, diluted, and waxlike lying limp and flaccid on one's tastebuds.
It's an utter insult to the palate!
Even the most troglodytic of country bumpkins could not possibly be bamboozled by such a confectionary farce as this.
This is by no definition one could care to apply "Peanut butter fudge".
They dirty the name by stamping it on their packaging!!
As if the "taste", weren't bad enough, the "fudgy", texture is notoriously absent as well!! These little desert dry clumps of nast crumble in the hand at the lightest touch and fall between ones fingers all over the ground.
My advice is let it.
BOOO! Copper Kettle Candymakers, BOOO!!!
My advice, pack up those much vaunted copper kettles and move on to a less demanding fudge eating public.
Try Gorham, they wouldn't know fudge from a blob of congealed cake icing.
0 out of 5 stars for the most unfortunate example of fudgmaking it has ever been my misfortune to experience!!
Good LORD, what were you people THINKING??
If you ever wrote anything like this, and were sincere, and got payed for it, end yourself.
Use the aforementioned butcher knife.
Please, please, please, do the rest of us a favor.
Slime (doesn't matter)
So, for a generic image, there's Horde Slime.
The good shit I mentioned in my review of ectoplasm.
How does this tie into food?
Well, this is a story and a recipe in one.
Do not make the recipe, it is foul, and will ruin your week.
So, to set it up, this incident happened last summer, and I wrote it down the night it happened, and I finally found an excuse to blog it.
I'm no damned kitchen scientist.
I've been noticing when I cook the fucking supper, it doesn't make me want to vomit, so, I was getting a little full of myself.
Like, do you know, frozen fish isn't supposed to be a dried up crust-
Yeah, when you cook it right, it's juicy, and actually fuckin' edible!
And all you have to do, is do math in 15-20 minute increments, and
watch the fucking clock!
Not fall asleep in the recliner watching boring-ass hot-rod auctioneer
So, again, I'm full of myself after tonight's spaghetti, so I get it
in my fool head "hey, I wanna do some Mr. Wizard shit. I miss slime
from when I was a kid, I'm gonna make me some slime!".
And I reason it out, y'know...I've seen on some shows corn starch is magic ingredient for gummi candies, and gummi is just thickened
gelatin, and candy-making geletin is just...corn syrup, so...I
figure.."shit, we got Karo and corn starch laying about, let's give it
So, I start mixing this concoction in one of the little dishes we use
for putting dipping sauces in, and..it's going pretty good...it's not
translucent like I want, it immediately goes opaque when the corn
starch hits it, but the consistency is LOOKING good....but...I wouldn't touch it bare handed, it keeps being sticky, so...I figure "well, maybe it'll lose its stick if it thickens enough, then I can handle
it...", so, I pound the starch to it, and it starts to turn into a
(still sticky) hard taffy shit...."ohhh, shit..".
Then it finally hits me "damn, there's a LOT of this...how will I
dispose of it if it goes to hell? I don't wanna fucking EAT it, I
already got a conspiracy phobia against corn syrup, like I'm gonna eat a solidified wad of the shit...", plus, I've already tasted it off the
spoon, and it's fucking foul. Pure corn syrup is repulsively sweet,
it's offensive to me they use it as a sweetener, even without the
Monsato terrors. Then it occurs to me "hey, I know, I'll FLAVOR it!",
and I dig around in the spice drawer, and Ma's got like 20 year old
extracts from when she used to make candies for my (now
dead) great grandparents, and "hey, mint! That'll be good!".
And I try to dribble a couple drops in, but it's so thin, that *GUSH!* "aw shit..", and I stir it in, and just in the time it took to rifle through the spice drawer, it's turned into an even tougher taffy, and I'm wrestling with it to complete a turn of the spoon, you can't even call it a stir, and I taste this shit...and it's a fucking nightmare, worse than Altoids, and there's some weird medicinal aftertaste going on that's either 20 years of disintegration, or what mint tastes like when it goes beyond mint, and your tastebuds say "fuck it", but,
whatever, it's fucking horrid.
So, I'm already thinking, I gotta throw this shit away.
I'm virtually done now.
But, I figure hey, maybe if I water it down a little, it'll balance it back out...so,I do...now it turns to a soup.
So, I figure, maybe the starch will overtake it if I keep stirring,
and stirring, and maybe it'll weaken down the fucking flavor too....
And...yeah, it's less soupy, but it's more like a runny gravy now, and I've already pounded enough heaping spoonfuls of cornstarch into this mess, Dad's gonna notice the shit gone...eh, maybe he'll think he used it, he uses it on the gravy, and how often do we have fucking gravy...
So, I'm stirring this horrific minty library paste and it pops into my
head "fruit! Fruit will make this swill somewhat palatable! Yes, fruit
cleanses everything! Blessed fruit!", and sure enough, spice drawer,
lemon extract! Yay!
And again, try to dump in a couple drops, a coat of it splashes out
like I'm milking cereal, I stir it in, it smells..interesting...
I can't fucking describe it....
I haven't had medicine taste that horrible.
I've gotten Absorbine Jr in my mouth, I've tasted bug repellent, it
was fucking worse.
Maximum mint, maximum lemon, that's 20 years old....and you can't lose it, I still fucking taste it.
It's breathing up from my guts as I type.
So, that does it, I gotta kill this shit.
The experiment has failed.
If I had my own lab, and unlimited supplies, I could keep trying until
I nailed the recipe, but with the junk here..it ain't happening.
Time to cut my losses.
Y'know, I think that's really what makes a scientist.
All the goddamned starch and syrups you'll ever need.
That's the deeper insight I've gained from all this.
Anyway, back to the adventure. My monster is too juicy to dump into
the trash, and...I don't feel quite comfortable washing him down the
kitchen sink...so, it's time for my good old reliable pal, Mr. Toilet
to destroy some evidence yet again.
Down it goes.
I spill a drop, I wipe it up with my sock, I wash out the sauce cup in
the kitchen, I refuse to lick the spoon off, I try water picking it
off with the hose-gun thingy.
It gets most of it off.
Let the damned dishwasher do the rest.
So, so much for slime.
I got taffy turned to paste with the worst taste ever.
Now my creature is making friends in our septic tank.
So, that's what goes on when you're really fucking bored, and really
Imagine if I'd hopped into a car.
All right, so, here are some real recipes for slime.
And since Hostess is over, that means not just no more Twinkies, but no more cupcakes (chocolate, and orange) no more Fruit Pies, no more Funny Bones, no more Sno-Balls, yeah, a whole empire, a whole era, up in smoke, just like that.
I've been in shock the last couple days.
S'why it's so late.
Um...wow...my last Twinkie really was my last Twinkie.
Nothing is safe.
Can't even buy 'em, the Ebay assholes made a run on all the stores.
Unless you wanna pay 50-100 bucks for one of the last boxes on Earth.
Peanut butter crunch bars were always my crack addiction as a kid.
Once a box was in the house, forget it, that thing would be empty in 3 days, tops.
That's why they're the star of the show up there.
That, and the big lineup pic left 'em the fuck out for some reason.
But, there they are.
And now, recipes.
(Y'know, besides the homemade Twinkies)
3 cans of refrigerated biscuits
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1 stick oleo
3/4 c. sugar
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
Mix 1/2 cup sugar and 1/2 tsp. cinnamon together. Cut biscuits in quarters. Roll in cinnamon-sugar mixture. Place in well-greased bundt pan. Melt oleo. Add rest of sugar and cinnamon. Heat until sugar melts. Pour over biscuit pieces in bundt pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Let cool 10 minutes before removing from pan.
Spicy Pineapple-Zucchini Bread
*1 pound zucchini equals approximately 3 medium zucchini or 2 1/2 cups chopped, uncooked zucchini.
1 cup vegetable oil
2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups shredded unpeeled zucchini
1 (20-ounce) can crushed pineapple, drained
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 cup finely chopped nuts
1 cup raisins**
(** The recipe doesn't call for golden or white raisins but I find it gives a better flavor to use the golden raisins.)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour two 9 x 5 inch loaf pans. In a large bowl, combine eggs, vegetable oil, sugar, and vanilla extract; beat until thick and foamy. Stir in zucchini and pineapple. Add flour, baking soda, salt, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, nuts and raisins; stir until well blended.
Pour batter into prepared loaf pans and bake 55 to 60 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Remove from oven and cool on wire racks 10 minutes; remove from pans. Cool completely before slicing.
If using mini loaf pans, grease and flour 5 pans and reduce cooking time to 35 minutes or until the toothpick test works.
Strawberry Rhubarb Delight
2 cups chopped rhubarb
1/2 c. sugar
1 3 ox. pkg. Strawberry Jell-O
1 pkg. Jiffy yellow cake mix
1 cup water
Line bottome of ungreased 8x8x2" cake pan with
rhubarb. Sprinkle with Jell-O, being sure to
coat all the rhubarb. Sprinkle with sugar. Top
with cake mix evenly. Pour water over all.
Dot with margarine. Bake at 350 degrees until golden.
Recipe can be doubled and baked in a 9x13x2" pan.
Peppermint Chocolate Sticks
8 oz (225 g) bittersweet or semisweet chocolate
1/2 cup (125 ml) crushed peppermint candies
1/4 cup (60 ml) shredded coconut, toasted
Melt the chocolate in a bowl over simmering water. Stir in the peppermint candies and coconut. Spread the mixture over wax paper or parchment to make a rectangle about 10 x 8 inches (25 x 20 cm). After it has set, cut with a sharp knife into sticks about 1/4 x 4 inches (5 mm x 10 cm). Store in an airtight container. Makes about 1/2 pound (225 g).
Seven Layer Dip
1 can refried beans
1 sm. can sliced black olives
2 cups grated cheese
2 bunches green onions
1 pkg. taco seasoning
1 8-oz. salad dressing (Miracle Whip)
1 8-oz. sour cream
2 med. tomatoes
3 ripe avocados
Chop up the green onion and tomatoes and set aside. Peel avocados, remove seeds, place in a bowl and mash until soft and smooth. Add salad dressing and one half of the taco seasoning. Mix well and set aside. Mix the remainder of the taco seasoning with the sour cream. Spread refried beans over bottom of a large casserole dish. Spread avocado mixture over the beans and then the sour cream mixture. Sprinkle black olives over the sour cream mixture. Cover with green onions, tomatoes and cheese. Chill and serve with tortilla chips or Fritos.
This would also taste really yummy with cooked ground hamburger added. The big Frito scoops would work out great if using for a meal.
Pumpkin Whoopie Pies
2 cups packed brown sugar
1/2 cup pumpkin puree
3 cups flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1 1/2 tsp. cloves
1 cup cooking oil
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/2 tsp. ginger
1 1/2 cups chopped walnuts
Cream together the sugar, oil and pureed pumpkin. Beat in eggs. Sift all dry ingredients together and add to sugar mixture. Fold in nuts. Drop by tablespoon onto cookie sheet and bake for 10 minutes at 375º. Cool and fill with your favorite filling.