I know, when you add up the bargain bin bounties, and the latest acquisitions, you actually end up with that part 9 should have been part 7, but, adding on "my Christmas loot", and "The Frank Miller Batman trilogy", evens it out.
On to 20....
4 film favorites: Urban Action Collection.
What, it's racist to say "blaxploitation", now?
Excellent set, loved it.
Totally needed these babies for my collection.
This is the REAL "Black Dynamite".
I swear, he even makes the "soo-eee!", sound when he punches.
Hot Potato (1976)
Essentially "Black Belt Jones part 2", but not billed that way for some reason.
This one takes a major tone shift, and is more of a screwball comedy bordering on farce.
Goofball slapstick, 3 Stooges style sidekicks, cartoony sound effects, cartoony score, it's like live-action Hanna-Barbera.
But then, it weirdly and jarringly throws in syrupy romance, and tragic character deaths.
It's all over the map.
Fascinating, funny in an unintended "WTF??', way, but, not great.
A good one to MST with friends.
Wow, did this ever live up to, and surpass my expectations.
It really is blaxploitation "Avengers".
They save the negro race, they kill all the Nazis, it's beautiful.
You'll weep in awe.
Shit, I wanna watch it again right now....
Black Samson (1974)
See here under "Love Machines!".
Actually, even though Black Samson does get some nookie, it turns out he's a one woman man.
The poster lied!
Pretty damned good, he's feverishly anti-drug, and anti-Italian mob, and fights to keep his neighborhood clean, and uses a bo staff with a carved lion head on one end to literally beat the bastids.
Now, I'm pro legalization, and anti-drug war, BUT I am also anti-drug cartel, BUT that mafia shit comes with prohibition.
So, I don't shed a tear for any mob scumbags Black Samson beat up in this, and I'm not for the poisoning and decay of the black streets, but SO much of that would go away if it were all legalized, and addicts were treated like sick people instead of criminals.
Failing that....go Black Samson go.
It's sad in hindsight.
Drugs did destroy the black neighborhoods.
One is almost tempted to buy into the "invented/planted by the CIA", theories.
Shit, it ain't too far away from the mad scientist villainy in "Three The Hard Way".
Anyhoo, putting them in order of goodness.
"Three The Hard Way", definitely the best. Buy the whole set for this if nothing else.
Then "Black Belt Jones".
Then "Black Samson".
Then "Hot Potato". Definitely dead last.
4 film favorites: Sylvester Stallone Collection.
Funny, the order I watched these in ended up being the order of goodness too.
So, that saves me some work.
I bought the whole set for this. The rest were bonus features.
Still just as good.
Ages like a fine wine.
Only one in the set with commentary.
Tango & Cash (1989)
It didn't seem promising at first....but then I ended up loving it!!
It almost seems paint-by-numbers dumb 80's action at first...but then it starts to have a Cowboy Bebop sense of humor about itself, and it's a great fucking ride.
I loved it, cheese and all.
I actually think it's better than the whole damned "Lethal Weapon", series.
I also happen to think this is the movie that "Extreme Prejudice", tried to be, and failed miserably at.
Probably works better now that the 80's are far enough gone, that they can be appreciated for their distinct little world, and you can see the parodying better.
Over The Top (1987)
It's Rocky with arm wrestling.
Cheesey as hell, has all the Sylvester Stallone tropes; hero with a heart of gold dispensing blue collar wisdom, mustache twirling villains, an alienated son, a training montage, heart and hope magically being more powerful than muscle, Billboard friendly songs,....but I love it.
Stallone flicks just make you feel great.
I dunno, maybe it's nostalgia.
Gotta be a big chunk of it.
Still, I have a wistful affection for this one.
In my world, this is Rocky 4.5.
The Specialist (1994)
Worst of the lot.
But...this is a weird one.
On every level, it's just terrible, but I couldn't hate it, and it didn't make me miserable to watch.
Crappy pulp potboiler dialog, cheesey performances of said crap dialog, unromantic romance, unsexy sex (bad interpenetrate dance poses no one does, no thrusting, no gasping, slow motion, and Stallone's ass is always in the way of the chick), unrealistic physics, indestructible good guys, takes itself way too seriously (as opposed to "Tango & Cash").
Has all the ingredients of schlock...but I couldn't hate it.
Don't know why.
Guess it was competently directed, and James Woods was an engrossing (if somewhat annoying) villain.
He reminded me of evil James Woods in Family Guy.
Yeah, that's what bumped it up a couple stars to a couple stars.
Once, and never again.
Get this for "Demolition Man", and be pleasantly surprised by "Tango & Cash".
Your mileage may vary on the other two.
And, that's those.
My birthday DVDs are still late.
No, really read/re-read that, I don't wanna have to re-hash.
So, I've had time to lay in bed at night, and ponder if that future undertaking is the same as Ebert's damned fool moralistic crusade against "I Spit On Your Grave".
I don't think it is.
Go back to my original review of "The Demon Murder Case", I'm not going after that flick because it sucks (it does though), I'm not going after Lorraine Warren because all of these ghost movies based on her cases suck (haven't seen 'em all yet), I'm not even going after her because real life ghostbusting is bullshit, and she's a quack (it is, and she is).
Ed and Lorraine Warren tried to help a murderer walk Scott-free.
Let me repeat that.
Ed and Lorraine Warren tried to help a murderer walk Scott-free.
That crosses the fucking line.
It's not just ghost stories with a flashlight in the teller's face, it's not just "thrills n' chills", it's not just "harmless fun", and it's not a subjective taste thing about movies.
This bitch is a moral slime.
Not in a vague church-lady "eew, yucky, people are having sex somewhere, I can smell it", way, but a A PERSON IS FUCKING DEAD way.
It ceased being cute with that little move.
And (unlike Ebert) I'm not out to (financially) destroy the cinematic art of the filmmakers.
I have no delusions that I could if I tried anyway.
And I'm not out to destroy Lorraine Warren's ability to make a living.
Again, I couldn't pull that off if I tried.
Some people are always going to be superstitious suckers, and some of them will inevitably have too much money.
I may as well try to fight the laws of magnetic attraction.
What I want, is for people to stop fucking thinking Lorraine Warren is Mother Teresa.
(Although, Mother Teresa isn't Mother Teresa, but that's a whole other thing).
I probably can't make a dent in that either.
It's probably pointless and hopeless.
But....I've got to try.
The alternative is to sit back, and say/do nothing.
I can't do it.
I'll go crazy.
If I can get one person to employ critical thinking to this ghost/possession horseshit who didn't before, I can sleep a little better at night.
No gummi bear or Reese's cake this year.
Did have a bucket of Ben & Jerry's Hazed & Confused.
Last year, I navel gazed about how I no longer give a shit about society's opinion.
Now, I don't even give a shit that I don't give a shit.
There's no longer a speck of me left that's on the defensive, and I feel even pluckier about not taking anyone's shit.
My new philosophical mantra is, I'm not on this Earth to leave everything the same.
Totally going to incorporate that into my outlook going forward on Jade-Shade.
Got a lot of new ideas for that I'm excited about.
Oh, yeah, need to log it down somewhere, this post is as good as any...
All the weird leftover memory flickers in my head bouncing around and driving me nuts...turned out to be real, and I hunted them all down and ghostbusted the fuckers.
Curse you, IDW, curse yooouu!
You're a factory that cranks out crossovers just to vex me!!
Super Secret Crisis War (2014)
Teaming up Powerpuff Girls, Samurai Jack, Dexter, Ben 10, and Ed, Edd n Eddy vs. their respective villains.
Phew, hoo boy...
Dexter met Blue Falcon and Dynomutt.
Blue Falcon and Dynomutt met the Scooby Gang.
The Scooby Gang met Johnny Bravo.
The Scooby Gang met Batman. (comics, and show)
The Scooby Gang met Harvey Birdman.
Harvey Birdman met Blue Falcon and Dynomutt.
Harvey Birdman met the cast of Johnny Quest.
Race Bannon and Johnny Quest have been on The Venture Bros.
Harvey Birdman met Fred Flintstone.
Fred Flintstone met The Jetsons.
Fred Flintstone met Billy & Mandy.
Billy and Mandy had General Skarr from Evil con Carne as a regular guest.
So, this puts, Powerpuff Girls, Samurai Jack, Dexter, Ben 10, Ed, Edd, n Eddy, Blue Falcon, Dynomutt, The Scooby Gang, Johnny Bravo, Harvey Birdman, Johnny Quest, The Venture Bros, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, Billy & Mandy, and Evil Con Carne all into the same uber-canon as Batman.
No more! Please, no more! I'm OCD, if you make 'em, I gotta add 'em!
Chock full of pseudo-science, but so are shitloads of other popular flicks, including the Treks, and Ghostbusters, so, turn your brain off to enjoy.
Brushes its fingers up against all kinds of cool ideas for powers possessed by Lucy, but doesn't really dig into the nitty-gritty with them.
Something like this needs to be a novel, not a big dumb action movie that only clocks in at an hour and a half including credits.
Not awful, but not theater-worthy.
Wait for video.
This one's retroactive, as I missed it in theaters, and it just came out on video.
Sadly, the critics are right.
All the good parts were in the commercial.
Flat wooden characters, slow pace, dull lullaby of a score, unsympathetic villains they try to make you sympathetic with, in order to pull a reversal that fails, and an ending that was telegraphed at the beginning.
I wanted hard to like it, it had cool ideas, but, blecchhh.
Good one to take a nap to though.
So, insomniacs, take note.
About the failed Nick Cage Superman of the 90's.
Ultimately, of course, we ended up with "Superman Returns", and then the "Man Of Steel", reboot instead.
Methinks the doc'll make a nice companion to "Doomed!".
I was aware of this one months ago, but it was in such early Kickstart phases, it wasn't worth reporting on.
Well, now, they've got a trailer, and only need completion funds.
It was a few weeks later now, and Chokie had mostly recovered from her burns.
JS had some residual twinges of sadness and regret over the loss of his brother, but was recovering fairly well.
JS had long since met Eidolon, and she'd seamlessly blended in as a team member.
Since they knew her before as Omneron, there really wasn't much adjustment to be made.
Chokie repeatedly made half-joking comments to the effect of "she reminds me of me at that age, she's perfect, can't we just adopt her?".
JS kept treating it as jokes, and shrugging it off with an occasional non-committal grunt.
Somehow, the topic of Mage-Shiv came up.
Chokecherry with laughter in her voice, said "I actually wouldn't mind a threesome with a sexy fan if they were nice, but Mage-Shiv is a flakey psycho bitch. She's well known in the community. You really want nothing to do with her".
Just then, two figures leapt into their path.
Both of them female, Asian, and wearing skin tight spandex and rubber outfits.
The one on the left was clad in orange, and stockier in build.
The other, taller, thinner, clad in purple, and with a mask and visor covering more of her face and head.
They proclaimed themselves as Blood-Orange, and Purple-Pepper, respectively, then struck dramatic comic book poses.
JS tilted his head towards Chokie in a manner that indicated he was grinning behind the mask, which indicated he was pretty much saying "speaking of groupies...".
Chokie smirked, shook her head, and simply said "sweety, they're gay".
JS recoiled in confusion.
"I know these guys", she said.
"They're Amy and Alex, my lesbian friends who took in that kid we rescued from the psycho-Christian".
JS finally snapped to recognition "oh, yeah, and they helped make your suit".
"So, you guys are angling to join our team, I take it?", Chokie asked.
"Hell, yeah, sis", Blood-Orange said.
"Gotta keep the old band together, after all", Purple-Pepper said with a wry smirk.
BO, PP, and CC starting to chat about the old days.
JS tuned out.
He didn't know any of their acquaintances.
He picked up that Amy/Blood-Orange was the more cheery fun-loving personality, and that Alex/Purple Pepper was an ultra-feminist ball-buster.
Politically, both of them reminded him of Comrade Crimson Crossbow.
Which in turn reminded him, that he was grateful he'd abandoned that cumbersome wrist crossbow of his, in favor of two kama stowed on his back.
They fit his costume theme better anyway.
As the flow of the conversation proceeded, JS gloomily resigned himself that these two women were the next two Streetsweepers.
"Ah, well, does any man really like his wife's friends?", he asked himself, with an inward shrug.
As if by telepathy, Eidolon broke in over internet watch.
"So, are these two broads on our team now? If so, are they coming to live with us? Cuz, I don't wanna have to move my shit around again".
"We're keeping our own place, honey".
PP snarked "besides, we already have a brat to take care of".
"Kewl", Eidolon replied in an unreadable deadpan.
Then added "oh, and Chokecherry? No thanks on the whole mommy thing. Really".
"Snoopy little bitch", she mumbled.
It was clunky, and gradual, but the team was growing.
Phase 2 was coming along nicely.
So, I've digested all 15 issues, and seen the movie for comparison. My verdict on the comic-
Gory and raunchy as hell.
But, the storyline, and the philosophy underpinning it, total bullshit.
Tedious, droning, repeating, pretentious bullshit.
I've concluded that Satanists are just crypto-Catholics.
They'd despise being described that way, but...oh well, too bad.
They play around in the same bullshit mythology, they're just as homophobic and misogynistic, they believe in the same concept of sexual sin, and blindly lump it in with all the others, and given how much Catholics breed, they're actually doing just as much fucking, just Satanists swing more, and use birth control.
They both stole their ritual and iconography from Paganism.
Their decoration sense is equally gaudy and tacky.
And, they're both obsessed with showmanship.
It's just punk rock Catholicism.
Same bullshit, different costumes.
If you read the comic, you're gonna get an earful of it.
And by "earful", I mean a cement truck with a funnel at the end of the chute emptying into your head until you pop.
My verdict on the film-
As an adaptation, it's actually fucking great.
Totally captures the spirit, if not the letter of the comics.
There's a lot left out, but there's a lot you CAN leave out, because the books are padded and repetitive as fuck.
No way that should have been 15 issues.
Took the guy as long to make the thing as it took me to get Harry published.
Anyhoo, Mònica Van Campen dead-on nails the character of Claire, right down to her poses, and hand gestures.
She was probably the best part of this thing.
It totally falls apart at the end, but, so does the comic in its own way.
All supernatural/religious stories fall part at the end, because they have nothing to say.
Their philosophical assertions aren't true.
And it proves out in the end product.
I just try to enjoy the ride before the crash.
Anyway, stalwart effort by Brian Yuzna.
My apologies to him.
It was a good job after all.
Final verdict of the whole multimedia entity-
Watch porn instead.
It's better for you.
This was an update I didn't think was coming, because I never thought I'd find the first and last one I'm about to post.
But damn if I haven't been on this incredible streak.
Weird War Tales #25 (1974)
Yeah, this mashup happened.
War and horror. Creepshow, and Full Metal Jacket.
And it was popular, it hung on for 124 issues.
This was gifted to me by my uncles along with "Plop!".
I loved it, my mother threw it out.
I never thought I'd find it again.
Well, between my Google-fu, tenacity, and my lucky streak, I nailed it.
This is the one.
Got it back.
So, the part that freaked me out, was the story of a dude who suspects his friend of trying to kill him with voodoo, and he catches him with a witch doctor, and kills the witch doctor, only to have his flesh spontaneously melt off down to the skeleton, and his friend explains in his last moments, that the witch doctor was to keep him alive, because he'd been killed in action, and he's been a regenerated zombie the whole time.
Killing the witch doctor broke the spell, hence the meltdown.
In fact, that's the guy on the cover sitting by the tree.
Hmmm, wonder if this planted the seeds for...ACID!!!
I...was a Ghost Rider fan as a little kid. It's allowed, kids are dumb. It was actually a subversive act to be into GR back then too. Ma was on her holy roller trip back then, and things with demons in it were forbidden, and a shitload of my old issues ended up in the fucking trash. I totally blame the brainwashers, fuck you, you constipated wackaloon Mormon pieces of shit. Hmm, I probably should've savored this one the way I savored Ang Lee Hulk...but...I dunno....maybe it needs another viewing now... See? More reclaimed memory/identity, even more glad I'm writing all this shit now.
Well, there they are.
Got my issues back. Plop, Weird War, these, the damage is fixed.
Yeah, I only got to own three, but I read a shitload more on the racks.
#6 and #64 were old flea market back issues, and I had to smuggle them as fearfully as refugees through Nazi Germany.
Dunno how I got away with a fresh brand new #81, but damned if I was going to miss out on the final issue.
Course, since then, Ghost Rider has been rebooted a jillion times, and they've made the two movies.
It's never really the end in comics.
Unless your publishing house collapses financially.
ROM #42, #43, #44, #47 (1983)
Man, 1983 seems to have been a magical year for scrambling my marbles, huh? ;-)
I still have these.
I got a shitload more of ROM, but these are the gory ones.
I can't believe Ma didn't throw these on me, but, she probably saw how much tossing Ghost Rider scarred my soul, and religion probably had nothing to say about aliens and robots, and, maybe she figured the damage was done, as far as my weirdness went.
Anyway, 42, 43, and 44 are an arc where ROM gets cloned, and downloaded into a human body, while Quasimodo the living computer downloads into his cyborg body and uses it for mayhem.
The cloning process turns out to be fucked up, and the clones, including ROM, start to decompose and dissolve (shades of Weird War, no wonder I loved it).
Quasimodo is killed, ROM is restored to cyborg form, and all is well.
Then, he fights a Soviet super villain.
#47 introduces a new form of Dire Wraith that sucks your brain out through a drilling tongue straw, and then becomes a perfect clone of you, complete with memories.
As it drains you of grey matter, DNA, and life-force, you shrivel up, and crumble to dust.
So, perfect body-snatching with no evidence.
Skimmed through one of the comics back in the day. Nifty scene of this couple fucking, full on porn, and then these two zombie-ish monsters come in with machine guns, spray the guy, and blast him into chunks, including his pecker, which flies across panel, and the monsters in unison shout "SEX IS DIRTY!!!". Wish I'd bought that. I was chicken though. Kinda thing if you get caught with as a kid, you get in big fuckin' trouble. Well, showed them, I make that kinda shit now. Hee. B)
Yep, saw this at Shady Dave's flea market, and this series is the mother lode of pornography and gore.
I REALLY wanted it, but it was the Ghost Rider situation times a thousand.
I REALLY would have been in trouble getting caught with this.
Probably wouldn't have been caught (unless I said or did something really retarded), probably wouldn't be a huge deal if I had.
Still, the paranoia had been planted in me.
Oh, and I got it wrong, it wasn't zombie monsters, it was just scumbag human hit-men in punk regalia.
And they rape the chick afterward.
So, like I said at the start, I just never thought I'd find this, or Weird War.
But now, I have everything.
Except....but I don't think I can ever find this...but I didn't think I'd find the other things, so here goes.
I swear this exists, and given I've proved all the rest, you'd better just fucking believe me already....
One of the big three networks, my memory screams CBS, but it could've been any of 'em, had a special adult cartoons special, and this was like, between 1980 to 1982, because we didn't have cable yet.
It was on at like 9:00 so kids would be in bed, it was an anthology of shorts, and I only caught the last one.
It was about a tiny little boy standing on the rim of a giant toilet, and he falls in, and gets flushed.
Yeah, that was about the sophistication level of these "adult", cartoons.
They trumpeted the thing for the whole week prior, and I could SWEAR the thing was called "The Comic Strip".
I've looked for it under that name with Google, and IMDB, and nothing.
Tried key words, tried finding just the toilet cartoon, everything I can think of.
Early TV is kind of in a netherworld.
If it wasn't a hit that stood the test of time, or connected to a big star, it's lost.
They could have just burned the thing.
I mean, look at "Twice Upon A Time".
If a whole feature length film produced by George-fucking-Lucas can fall down the memory hole, nothing is safe.
No one else remembers it, people think I'm crazy.
But, they were like that about all the other things I've since found, so fuck y'all.
Anyway, that's it, this is the last thing.
I could live without it, but....I'd really like to know what it was too.
I didn't imagine it.
So, that's it, unless I find that cartoon, that's the end of all of these.
And this one, also being sorta "Flicks that really messed me up as a kid. (Part 4)", but not really.
Because, these didn't mess me up as a kid, and they aren't lost films, they're fairly well known, BUT, I have been curious about them for a good goddamned long while, and seeing them completes a journey like the "messed me up", ones.
BUT, this does complete that series, because, well, there just aren't any more.
It's got Malcolm McDowell being almost as embarrassed as "Get Crazy".
Well, it's got titties.
Plot?....um, incestuous were-leopards.
Almost the same thing as "Sleepwalkers".
Except with titties.
And everything else besides the titties being crappy.
Watch a porno instead.
B.C. Rock (1980)
A.K.A "The Missing Link".
A French animated film with horrible English dubbing.
Man, this might just be the worst animated film I've ever seen.
It's a tight race between this, and "Light Years", but I think this takes the prize.
What is it, France, why can't your animation industry get its shit together?
Anyway, I heard about this as a kid, and saw the tape at the video store, but never had the guts to watch it.
Yet another one of those "I'll get in trouble", things you feel like an idiot about looking back.
So, the plo...no, I'm not gonna pretend this had a plot.
A baby caveman is born, his grandpa grabs his peepee, and says "mine's bigger", the tribe rejects him, he goes off on his own, like Simba in "The Lion King", befriends a talking brontosaurus, and a talking pterodactyl with a racist black stereotype voice, jumps ahead in time to a grownup, like "Lion King", and they have various pointless adventures for 50 hours.
Then, the whole thing just sorta ends.
What? The run-time is only 95 minutes?
You're shitting me!
It felt like 50 hours.
Two days, and some change.
So, this is so bad, it bends the fabric of time.
Come on scientists, turn this thing into a warp core somehow.
These next two feature porn queens.
This one's got Ginger Lynn.
As the sidekick, not the star.
You know those flicks where a man and woman swap bodies, and the man-mind/woman-body always avoids getting fucked by a man?
Haha! Not THIS time!
Yep, this one gets fucked, and the reactions of the woman body turns him/her all woman.
You get a graphic blow-by-blow in her mental dialog.
You are not spared.
There's no time dissolve to rescue you.
How does the swap happen?
Well, it's not a swap, more an instant reincarnation/regeneration.
How does THAT happen?
No fucking idea.
The movie never bothers to say.
Guy gets shot, drowns, crawls out of the ocean a chick in his old clothes.
Anyway, I used to watch scrambled Cinemax skin-flicks in my teens, and they'd always throw this one into the mix.
It was a crapshoot.
While weird old flicks were popping into my head for this thing, this came back to me, and I wanted to see it unscrambled, and from a more mature perspective.
Terrible writing, z-list actors, Ginger Lynn is the most famous person in it, just weak.
Except for the climatic fuck scene, that was artistically original.
Extra half star for that.
Two stars overall.
So, Sharon Mitchell is in "Maniac", and "Night Of The Juggler", and I knew I had a theme going.
You know me by now, reader, I chase after these patterns, because, well, I always find treasure.
I did again.
This is a semi-autobiographical sorta-documentary about Mitchell, and her girlfriend at the time, and fellow porn actress, Tigr (pronounced Tigger).
This is the most "real movie", movie she did.
I loved it.
Any documentary claiming to be, or reported by a stooge-critic to be "raw and candid", that doesn't go as far as this one, can kindly go fuck off and die.
Don't worry, wimps, the doc isn't porn, there's no penetration.
You see a lot of Mitchell in the altogether though.
It's dark, you see her use drugs.
She was in the full grip of addiction during this, and it ends on sort of dark hopeless note.
But, from the vantage point of...damn, 28 years into the future, you know she made it.
Anyway, I'm a Sharon Mitchell fan now.
She's a star.
I don't care what this phony hypocritical puritanical coward society says in the matter.
If we lived in a more enlightened future, Sharon Mitchell would be getting Oscars.
She is a star.
I could rant on and on (again!) about how porn is perceived by society, and how it treats people in that business, and the censors, and the hypocrites, but she says a lot of it in her own words right in the film.
Man, she's not A porn queen, she's THE porn queen.
She's seen it all, done it all, and has no shame about it.
Articulate, smart, you can see in the clips there everyone loves her.
Really, just a super person.
I lump her in with my favorite celebrities.
There's no bullshit compartmentalization.
Really glad I saw this.
Specifically saved this for last, so I'd go out on one that made me happy.
"Yeah, right, Mike, you said you were done with your quests".
Well, yes and no.
No, these aren't quests, because what I consider quests, are agonizing, and full of hardship, and took a long fucking time.
Solving one of those muthas is a victory.
These, while lost, and needing to be found, came easier, and weren't desperation based.
More like "eh, oughtta see if I can get these too, and finish it all off".
BUT, yes, they took a little digging, and they were faded childhood memories that shaped me, and nagged a little.
But, not so's I couldn't get by sanity wise without tearing the universe apart for them.
I do like having found them though.
Don't get me wrong.
So, here we go...
The Ruling Class (1972)
Starring Peter O'Toole as a loony who thinks he's Jesus.
The servants and flunkies of his dead father try to cure him, but instead make him think he's Jack The Ripper.
It's a satire of the British upper-crust, and what scumbags they are.
I dug it.
This, and the next two, are about the only ones of this particular batch I truly enjoyed.
The only part I could remember anymore, was the bit where O'Toole is confronted with another guy who thinks he's Jesus, and is getting fried by the guy's imaginary lightning, while evil-Jesus screams "1 million volts!! 2 million volts!!...", and when he gets up to like, 25 million volts, O'Toole stops thinking he's Jesus.
I didn't even remember it was O'Toole, which can be forgiven, cuz he was buried in long hair, a beard, and makeup that made him look like Aryan-Jesus you see in all the medieval paintings.
Good flick, but the second half gets pretty fuckin' dark.
Again, I dug it.
Probably best of these.
Twice Upon A Time (1983)
This is a hard one to get a handle on.
It's fascinating to watch.
I recommend fellow animation junkies track it down, and give it at least one viewing.
It's executive produced by George Lucas, and has some relatively famous voice actors in it.
The most recognizable name is the late Lorenzo Music, who you all probably know as Garfield.
Here, he kind of plays a precursor to Jake The Dog from "Adventure Time".
A yellow shape-shifter, called "Ralph, the all-purpose animal".
Zoom in on the poster, and you can see he's a worm with a dog head there.
Okay, plot is, the main characters all live in the dimension where dreams are made, and the lord of nightmares succeeds in stealing the mainspring from the cosmic clock that controls time in our dimension, then, all humans being time-frozen, are at his mercy with his invasion of vultures dropping nightmare bombs.
The good guys have to stop this, but are bumbling, and inept.
Why it's hard to get a handle on, and probably why its vanished into obscurity, is...it's all over the place in age appropriateness.
Plot wise, there's no real adult themes, nothing explicit happens, this could just as easily have been G rated.
But, the villain in particular swears his head off.
Shit, ass, asshole, everything short of fuck.
It's PG, but a heavy PG before PG-13 was invented, and nowadays, it would have to make cuts to avoid R just for language.
Everything Lucas is owned by Disney now, so they could throw money at the lawyers needed to get this out of legal limbo, a Blu-ray release, and the ad campaign to awaken you to its existence.
But...again, how the hell would they market it???
Very interesting as a historical curiosity though.
I dunno if I'd put it up there with "Heavy Metal", or "Last Unicorn", but it's decent.
Worth checking out, but you'll have to dig for it.
The only part I could remember while searching for it, was the Video Gorilla (see poster), and its TV face playing a clip of Indiana Jones saying "trust me", at one point.
Get Crazy (1983)
Geez, you notice these almost all seemed to happen in the 1983-84 window?
Cast includes Malcolm McDowell, Daniel Stern, Ed Begley Junior, Paul Bartel, Mary Woronov, and Lou Reed.
It's everything you'd ever expect of a wacky drugs and rock n' roll 80's party movie.
80's-ness oozes off the screen.
Fun to see for nostalgia.
But, other 80's party movies that have stood the test of time blow it away.
This is pretty stupid.
It's got a few good parts though.
Malcolm McDowell plays a rock star, and sings his own songs, and he's actually not too bad.
The one part I remembered about this, was near/at the end, McDowell's penis starts talking to him.
Hey, c'mon, you don't forget a thing like that.
I'd forgotten is was McDowell though.
My memory had it as just some generic guy.
This wasn't great, I'd probably never watch it again, but, I got some enjoyment out of it.
Especially in hindsight of the really awful ones.
Speaking of, now, for the ones that sucked donkeys....
Endangered Species (1982)
All I remembered of this one, was a mutilated cow with half its fucking skull showing.
Yeah, that'll burn into you if you're a kid.
And dipshit HBO played the ad for it with that scene over, and over, and over.
Okay, here's the whole plot.
There's cattle mutilations.
Urich and Williams investigate.
You're faked out at first it's aliens.
Spoilers, it's a black ops outfit of the government doing germ warfare shit out of Cold War paranoia, and they'll kill anyone to keep it from getting out.
Inside your head, it seems like this would have lots of tension, doesn't it?
It's like watching an industrial film about calcium, and drinking milk.
Inept at every level.
Pure fuckin' schlock.
Man, looking back, HBO had a handful of gems, and then a big heaping bunch of shit.
Sudden Death (1985)
Okay, these next two were foisted on us by my grandfather (the one who passed in 2012), and, man, I loved ya, Gramp, but your taste,...yeesh.
So, to set this up, he went through this phase of being a flat out junkie for revenge pictures.
"Death Wish", "Dirty Harry", all that stuff.
He taped this one, and loaned it to us, and my folks didn't know what we were in for, popped this in, and about half hour in, the heroine gets dragged into a stolen Taxi, and gets the everliving shit raped out of her.
Not as bad as "I Spit On Your Grave", but it's pretty fucking unpleasant.
My dad ripped it out of the machine, and that was that.
I think we gave up on HBO in favor of rentals about 1987 or so.
So, even though it's an '85 flick, that's probably when Gramp loaned it.
I'm tough enough now for "I Spit On Your Grave", so, I figured "fuck it, let's finally see this thing all the way through".
All I could remember was the Taxi rape, but that was enough for Google and the IMDB message boards to lock onto it.
Cardboard characters you don't care about, terrible acting, awful unrealistic dialog out of an NRA pamphlet, just crap.
Hey, I keep an open mind, I want to like these damned things.
I don't set out to hate, I really don't.
I mean, look, on a technical level, "I Spit On Your Grave", is cheesy, but I liked that one.
"Sudden Death", earns its half star, believe me.
Extreme Prejudice (1987)
Another Gramp loaner, and an '87 flick that played in '87.
Nick Nolte, Michael Ironside, Rip Torn, Powers Boothe, Tiny Lister, directed by Walter Hill, written by John Milius, score by Jerry Goldsmith.
Wow, what a pedigree.
How could it possibly suck?
It found a way.
Flat characters, wooden acting, unrealistic dialog that real people would never say, delivered every step of the way like bad movie trailer narration, unfunny catchphrases, and good guys and bad guys who are exactly the same level of asshole, so you just don't care.
Also, it's about the drug war, and I really can't get morally invested in that bullshit.
I remember hating it as a kid, but this thing gets good reviews fucking everywhere, so I was open to being wrong, and maybe I had to grow into it.
Sucked just as bad.
Unlike all the others, I SAW this one all the way through, but my memory deliberately erased it, and only left behind the hate.
Now, I remember the damned thing.
I think I would have been better off.
Anyway, luckily, I saw "The Ruling Class", after this, and that was my antidote movie.
And, that's those.
Up next, another batch of these, but not under the "flicks that really messed me up as a kid", heading.
I'll explain in the post.
It landed in my lap last night.
I was watching the latest Red Letter Media review, and I heard a familiar name, and did some Googling, and...
I have a name for my pain.
Ed and Lorraine Warren.
They were the quacks connected to "The Demon Murder Case", and apparently, their wicked mischief didn't start or stop there.
Before that, they were involved with the case from "The Amityville Horror".
That created their reputation.
And that was all a bunch of bullshit.
But they were also involved with the cases that got made into "The Haunted", "The Conjuring", "The Haunting In Connecticut", and Lorraine Warren has some connection to "Deliver Us From Evil".
So, yeah, the mischief hasn't ended, we owe the fucking demon genre of shitty movies to this cow.
Ed died in '06, so it's just her now.
They're spoken of with respect. Mike from RLM treats her with kid gloves in the review of "Deliver Us From Evil", and their Wikipedia page not only soft-peddles criticisms of them, but studiously SCRUBS all reference to the demon murder trial that was the basis of "The Demon Murder Case".
The demon murder trial has its own Wiki page, and it links back to the Warrens, but not the other way around.
And the film is only briefly mentioned as an afterthought.
It's as if the thing was hard to find and find out about because the Warrens buried it.
Well, fuck you, sister, you don't deserve respect, and for your ass to be kissed.
I don't care that you're old.
What, you get away with it long enough, and get old and frail, and it gets erased like debt forgiveness?
The Warrens were scamsters, and scamsters are diabolical, and wicked.
It's no better than that cunt Sylvia Browne. I piss on her grave.
So, I finally know how I'm going to tackle next Halloween's "based on a true story", topic.
I'm going after the Warrens.
Like Jason after Freddy.
Like Will after Hannibal.
I'm going to tear down their legacy.
I won't sit by, and let this evil scamming bitch become the Mrs. Santa Claus of demon bullshit for all time.
I'm fighting back.
I'm gonna suffer through every shitty movie the Warrens had a hand in, and do running commentary.
One movie a day, running the flick on one side, and the blog editor on the other, and blog right along.
The Amityville sequels alone will get me through half the month.
That being done, I'll do some fun ones, like "Jaws", and "The Blob".
Oh, yeah, that had a bullshit "true story", that goes with it.
This trend goes way back.
That one tormented me in my head as bad as "The Demon Murder Case".
And they both seemed equally hopeless.
I still can't believe it.
This has been a remarkable week.
Between this, and Crazy #85, I feel like I'm in some weird dreamworld where I can do absolutely anything.
The Wild Wild West: "Night Of The Bubbling Death".
Okay, this was my "close but no cigar", movie homing in on the next movie, but I remember this as a kid too, so watching it for the memory refresh was equally satisfying.
A boy and his would-be platonic little girlfriend have to solve a riddle, and find a keepsake to help a creole ghost-girl to her final rest.
It's Disney, so you know it has a happy ending.
Daughter Of The Mind (1969)
This is the one.
This was right up there with "Night Of The Juggler", and "Demon Murder Case", for driving me insane trying to identify over the years.
All I remembered, was a ghost girl, and a seance, and ghost-girl leaving behind a wax impression of her hand, and that creeping me the hell out as a kid.
So, two ghost girl movies, you can see how my mind fused this with "Child Of Glass", in my head.
I had to watch them both to peel apart their separate identities, as much as for the memory refresh.
It's all an elaborate hoax by Russian spies to get Ray Milland (as ghost-girl's grieving dad) to defect.
This is unraveled by science, and reason wins.
Don't see that often in pop culture.
Ahhhhh, *kicks up feet*
That was all my quests.
I'm on an endorphin high.