Sunday, December 18, 2011

Superhero Flicks, Part 15.4 All The Rest (Part 4.4)

Some more leftover stragglers (as mentioned last time) that have gradually accumulated on my big list.

Was gonna give 'em mini-categories later down the line, but..screw it.
I've re-organized.
Tacking it on after these.

Starting with...


The Return Of Captain Invincible

The film-

Another "how the fuck did I miss THIS??!", one.'s an odd's 80's, I probably wouldn't have liked it as a seems to have been made with 36 year old me in, maybe it was made at the time for 36 year old boomers...but, boomers wouldn't have been hip to an ironic superhero thing...I don't think...

It's a time-capsule movie.
The first I've ever bore witness to.

Yeppers, I've gotta help build the cult around this thing in any way I can.
It deserves cult status.
Like, up there with Pink Flamingos, and Eraserhead, and Phantom of the Paradise.

Okay, anyone out there like "The Last Unicorn"?

Well, Alan Arkin (Shmendrick) is Captain Invincible, and Christopher Lee (King Haggad) is Mr. Midnight.

So, if you love the vibe of Unicorn, well, here, you totally get a Shmendrick Haggard rematch.

And hey, you like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"?

Richard O'Brien (fucking asshole!) does 3 of the songs in this!
Why, here's one now!

"How did I never fucking HEAR of this!?!".

I know, right???
Check it out, spread the word as far as you can!
This is a beaut!

The history-

N/A, recent discovery.

Modern Problems

The film-

Chevy Chase-a! Frustration! There's got to be a better way!

Well, that's what the opening lines of the opening theme sounded like to me as a kid, especially since Chevy's name popped up in the credits almost in sync.
So, I plant that in your subconscious too.
Enjoy that.

Right, so, a tanker truck leaks toxic waste onto Chevy's car in a rainstorm, and he gains telekinetic powers, and wacky hijinks ensue.


Okay, there's no heroics, per se, but....come on, some of the characters on these lists have been outright pricks.
Can't Chevy afford to be a goof?
And...isn't love up there with war?
Putting the humiliating smack down on a romantic rival, come on, you single guys out there, you'd use the powers for that. Admit it.

All right then, this squeaks by on "good enough".

Course...I admit my like of this one is probably solely nostalgia fueled, but...what the hey, it's my blog, not some "paper of record".

The history-

A trillion viewings on HBO.

Speaking of inappropriate use of superpowers...


The film-

Ah, just look at those fellas, they're having a great time.

So, Charles In Charge has a chemistry class accident, and gets essentially the same wacky telekinesis as Chevy, but, he's led by teen hormones, rather than thirty-something anxiety.

Yeah, I think him and his buddy had the better time.

Anyway, this is quite possibly, the most loathed and ridiculed movie in western culture.

It gets 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, Family Guy knocks it on multiple occasions, no one loves this.
Except maybe Scott Baio.
It probably got him laid.
What didn't?

The history-

Vague HBO memories.

Big Trouble In Little China

The film-

Okay, if you haven't seen Evil Dead 2, you've failed as a geek, but, if you haven't seen Evil Dead 2, AND haven't seen Big Trouble In Little've failed as a MAN.

Is Jack Burton a superhero?
Well, he fights and defeats super powered villains.
Good enough for me.

The history-

Every medium throughout time.
See it a minimum of once a year.

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

The film-

What if?
What if you've found you've made a mistake?

What iiiff? What iiif it's worth the chaaaances you're taaaakiiing?

Fuck yeah.

For goddamned sure "Sinanju", is superpowers.
That one's easy.

The history-

See Big Trouble...

Jingle all The Way

The film-

Yep, no getting around it, I've let others in on flimsier pretexts, gotta accept this on the grounds that Arnold does become Turboman at the end...

The history-

Oh, Arnold, why? Why?
Your legacy was secure with Terminator, Conan, Predator, to a lesser extent, Total Recall, you coulda coasted on forgettable generic actioners, and retired gracefully.

Well...there's that "it was for my kids", excuse every fucking forty-something movie star sharts forth eventually in their career, but....

Well, fast forward to the 2010's, and his son hates him now.
Won't even use his surname.
So...fat lot of good "Jingle All The Way", did.
We all suffered for nothing.


Stare down both barrels of that in your long dark tea-time of the soul, Arnold.
*Crosses arms*

Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.

The film-

From Troma.
A ripoff of the plot formula of Toxic Avenger, but without any of its esoteric charms.
Just awful.

I think Lloyd Kaufman got the idea for this character from the Kabuki-men villains in Toxie 2.

Well, this movie was properly punished, Kabukiman was humilitated and degraded as a sad, sorry, alcoholic in Toxie 4.
Now, if only Clone Wars would do something to Jar-Jar....

The history-

Disappointed rental.


The film-

The idea is funny.

But, as is proven time and time again, and we never fucking learn, everything Stone and Parker lay their hands to that isn't South Park turns to shit.

A steaming heap of shit.

The history-


Next category...


Stephen King's The Dead Zone

The film-

Johnny Smith definitely has a superpower, and if Greg Stillson isn't a super villain, I'll eat my hat.

A classic, watch.

The history-

Rentals. Cable.


The film-

Sort of an amped up Carrie ripoff.

Well, she's got the powers, but is she a superhero?
If so, is Carrie?

Wiping out a high school is ethically debatable, but...killing government black-project swine is definitely heroism.
No loss of innocent life there at all.

Carrie, no, she's a victim, Charlie McGee takes no shit.

Yep, superhero in my fucking book.
In a special category next to Hit-Girl.

The history-



The film-

They've sure as hell got powers, and the evil government plot, like in Firestarter, is definitely some fucked up supervillainy.

It's a Cronenberg-ian, costumeless, dark, bladdar-splatter take on comic books, but, for sure, it's supers.
The archetypes are all there, even if dressed up as a horror film.

Kind of a "how it would really be", take long before Watchmen hatched.

The history-

Rentals, cable.


The film-

Ehh...not quiiite horror,'s got some intense, and scary scenes.
It dances in the fuzzy boundaries.

Anyway, the fella whot played the dude who says "Waaaarriorrs! Come out and plaaayy-aayy!!", plays a prototype for Freddy Krueger in this.
He even wishes himself up some knife fingers at one point.
Actually, yeah.

Damned good film, great cast, it holds up, the effects get the job done, check it out.

The history-

HBO, and own it.

Last category....


Flash Gordon

The film-

Not a super-powered superhero, but neither are Batman, Punisher, Ash, or Jack Burton.

Flash was a household name before even Superman, let's cut him a break, what say?

I let Dick Tracy in, and his movie was terrible.

Anyhoo, didja know Star Wars was supposed to be Flash Gordon, but Lucas couldn't get the rights, so, he made his knockoff version as Star Wars?

Who knew Lucas would leave a bad taste in our mouths, and we'd look at THIS one with more fondness in hindsight?
Well..okay, those first two SW are still masterpieces, and this is campy as hell, know what I'm saying...

The history-

Bum, bum, bum, bum.....



The film-

Now that we're all relatively computer literate, this movie totally makes sense as an allegory to the computer industry of the 1980's.

This movie predicted the future.
Other movies brushed against it, but this flat out told us the world we'd be living in.

The history-

Cable, VHS, DVD.

I was always in that small mutant cult that loved it.
Box office be damned.
The masses are asses.

Tron Legacy

The film-

Some critic somewhere snarkily said "great, if you're into Daft Punk, and Olivia Wilde".

Well, I am. Bitch.
Sawk eeet.

Yeah, this is pretty sweet, and a feast for the eyes...but it feels needs its upcoming sequel.

The history-

30 years of on-and-off waiting, and being jerked around, that's what.

Michael Jackson: Moonwalker

The film-



He turns into a fucking Transformer, and kills drug dealers with laser cannons.

There you go.
He's in the club.

The film though? Ehh.....

The history-

That mother's friend who tried to ruin Transformers for me?
Her kid had this.


The film-

Same breed as Shark Boy & Lava Girl, Sky High, Zoom, etc.
I assume.
I ain't watching it.
It's here for completeness.

The history-



The film-

Teleporter Mahn!!

Lemme get this straight, he's a man, and he can teleport?
You just blew my mind!
I've never heard of this concept, because I'm 14, and grew up on shitty reality shows, and never read a comic!
Please, exploit my wallet!
Here, just take everything I have!

The history-


I Am Number Four

The film-

X-Men, meets Wanted, with a sprinkle of Revenge Of The Sith, and a pinch of Harry Potter.

Damn, but I'm good at this.
And, Hollywood sucks at this.

Did I mention sawk eeet?

Well, yes, sawk eeet.

The history-


And bam, that's those.
Pretty fun batch, actually.
Enjoyed this one.*has to check*...films based on cartoons.

(BTW, this goes between this and this)


Diacanu said...

All right, I'll start off the commentary, watch that Captain Invincible video there...

Now..notice this...see those girl dancers that come out?
Keep your eye on the redhead, the plain one with the short poufy do, and the big eyes, who looks like a young Marcia Wallace (Ms. Crabapple).

Look at how she jiggles her titties more, spreads her legs more, and is way more sexually suggestive with the liqueur tumbler there.

Keep your eyes on her, I said!
Watch now, watch...look how low down she goes, that's not a dance, she's acting out a porn there.

Now, note how the prettier bimbos next to her dance like slugs compared to her.

I don't know why that fascinates me, but it does.

I dunno what that says, if the plain girls try harder, or makes me happy.
Gives me hope for humanity.

hyla2 said...


I . . . just watched that clip.

WOW. I gotta sees me the rest'a THAT! And, yes, I noticed the redhead. Or rather, I noticed her aggressive tit-shake . . . then the rest of her. Ahh, '80's "sexy". So . . . glam-erous.

I also noticed the appalling lip synchery going on with ol' CL. That wasn't him actually singing on the redub, was it? Damn, son. Dooku can BELT it.

(oh, the verification code for this comment is: nonsupe! Fits like a pair'a tights!)

Diacanu said...

Yep, I'm pretty sure that's Lee belting it.

Love his villain poses too, he really sells the hell out of it.

hyla2 said...

Oh, yeah. Bad synch aside, he was givin' his all. Him and Patrick Stewart--always bringin' the A-game.

Diacanu said...

Have any... Remo-niscences?


hyla2 said...

AH. Jumpin' right to the Remo, huh?

Or is this going to more of a rando, ricochet rabbit kinda commentary?

RE, Remo: I regrets to inform you, it's spelled 'Sinanju'. (nods sadly). But with this movie, who knows, they probably spelled it that way too.

Take it from somebody who's read like . . . at least 100 books of the series from whence this atrocious concept mangle of a film wrenched it's concept . . . which it . . . mangled. Atrociously.

The best thing I can say for the movie is that it indirectly led me to the books. Which I love. Even the bad ones (and there are LOADS of those). :)

Diacanu said...

Well, we can go down the thing in order if you want.

I got loads more to say about Captain Invincible, but only after you've seen the thing, cuz it's all spoilerriffic.

*Goes and corrects Sinanju*

hyla2 said...

I'm down with whatever. I got the post up on two windows--one for comment-posting, one for fact checking--so I can keep up if you want to do the rando thing.

Totally WAAAANT to watch Captain Invincible! But, that would cause even further delays here . . . Thing IS all on YouTube if I can't control myself, though, isn't it?

Diacanu said...

Okay, Chevey Chase-a, frustrations.

Am I the cult of one for this flick?

Is Chevy the most hated man in showbiz?
Or, is he three, after Mel Gibson, and Jesse James?

hyla2 said...

I'd had no idea Chevy Chase was a hated man until you told me.

Tsk. So sad . . .

What did he do!? Or . . . is he just a garganutan dickwad?

Diacanu said...

Apparently, a gargantuan dickwad.

One of them big tell-all SNL books said behind the scenes in the 70's everyone hated him, and all the ripping in the Comedy Central Roast of him was sincere hate, and afterward, he cried.

Howard Stern tells a whole story about him and Richard Belzer prank calling him that ended ugly in "Private Parts", too.

hyla2 said...

Huh. Yet, somehow, he still gets work . . . On already-a-cult-phenom 'Community', too.


Diacanu said...

Hey, dickwad don't mean untalented.

Charlie Chaplain was a nightmare to put up with.

hyla2 said...

True enough.

Y'know . . . I have never seen all of 'Modern Problems'. Always pretty much the ass end of it, as a kid, at the family friends's house, on HBO/Cinemax.

I remember bits and pieces . . . people getting on a slippery slate mansion roof . . . lightning . . . Chevy possessed . . . not much else.

Diacanu said...

Yeah, that's pretty much how it ends.

Then lightning sends the powers into Nell Carter.

The whole thing is more about him turning off his girlfriends with his insecurities, and the powers giving vent to his rage.

A boomer whine-fest turned super, but the acting possessed stuff at the end was always a riot to me as a kid.

hyla2 said...

Christ, Nell Carter.

What happened to her?

Diacanu said...

Came out as a lesbian, died of cancer a couple years later.

Quite awhile ago now.

Diacanu said...

*Checks* yeah, back in '03.

hyla2 said...


. . .

Okay, I got nuthin. SO. Zapped, huh? How bout that!

Diacanu said...

Shit, I hope you can remember more than I can, I just get flickers of cheerleader's clothes coming off.

hyla2 said...

Oh, no. I got bupkes.

Never even heard of it until Family Guy mentioned it. At least, I don't think I had.

But 'most loathed' movie? Oh, come now! What of 'Ishtar'?

Diacanu said...

Ah, Ishtar...what a special little film...and also starring Warren Beatty, favorite actor..*grumble*

Anyway, Weird Science was probably the better "magical nudity", flick.

The new generation would probably give you a blanks stare if you mentioned either Ishtar, or Zapped.
Probably as it should be.

hyla2 said...

Yeah, I suppose.

Ah, casual '80's full on nudity . . . where did you go?

Diacanu said...

All the girls who were most game for flashing skin got into pole dancing, cuz it was better money than being "pair of boobies 3", in a Scott Baio vehicle, and you didn't have to fuck Scott Baio, and the serious starlets asked for the sky to show nip.

And, that's where the titties went.

hyla2 said...

Could be. Movies definitely got less risque after the mid '80's or so.

I remember the tits you got to see in 'The Wedding Crashers' being a big deal (the only thing on the screen that was) a couple years back. Of course, these days, the big naked thing in raunchy comedies is unattractive man-ass.

hyla2 said...

I'm thinking of Jason Segel in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshal', and Seth Rogen in . . . like, almost everything he's done.


Diacanu said...

Yeah, I'm at a loss to explain the whole "no titties, but hairy man ass is okay", wave in modern cinema.

I know in the mid/late 80's, there was a backlash against porn and stuff undertaken by religious conservatives, and pinheaded "liberal", feminist intellectuals, and both sides showed themselves to be little Nazi bookburners.

That might've had an impact.
With internet porn everywhere, you think things would be more open, but mainstream culture has clenched up, and gotten more prudish in a lot of ways.

The more I understand it all, the less sense it makes.

Diacanu said...

Y'know what it is?

"Think of the children!".

Our generation is shitting out rugrats, so we gotta put up with this next wave of dipshit hypocrisy out of them.

Ugh. Like I haven't put up with enough...

hyla2 said...

Yeah, we can all thank Tipper Gore for leading that charge.

Well, I guess dumpy man-ass is more inherently comedic than the boobies. Although, the hoots have vast comic potential, to be sure.

Diacanu said...

Ever see "Jack and Miri make a porno", though?

Everyone's bits n' pieces are equally represented in that.

Indie horror's got plenty of bewbies too.
Just..everyone fucking dies after. :(

Diacanu said...

...Big Trouble In Little China!

hyla2 said...

Yeah, I almost mentioned Jason Mewes's nutsack dip in 'Z&MMAP'.

Thanks for that, Kev'ster.

But, YES! Let's move on to . . .


Diacanu said...

"Master, you are fresh!".

"Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by the president".

hyla2 said...

. . . Hmm. Okay, I was just waiting my turn. Don't wanna get post-jumpe-AAAGH!

(got post-jumped)


hyla2 said...


Jack Burton definitely qualifies as a superhero. He even has powers at one point thanks to 'ancient Chinese secret'!


Diacanu said...

Oh, yeah, that's right, the power potion.
...didn't wanna spoil that in the main review though.

Also, always cracked up at the laser/hologram/magic video game samurais.

That was something right out of Ditko Doctor Strange.

hyla2 said...

Oh, shit. Forgot about those!

OH! AND! He goes up against Raiden!


. . . Which . . . puts him in more or less the same weight class as Johnny Cage! SO, Jack could compete in the Mortal Kombat.

Jack Burton is a bona fide superhuman defender of the Earth Realm!

hyla2 said...

Plus, he's facing of against a straight up comic book supervillain: Lo Pan!

Why . . . Lo Pan's supervillainous sorcerous deviltry is so recognized, he even got featured in a heroic saga sung of the ultimate final battle!

And don't tell me you NEVER heard of this . . . Because, I'll cry:

Diacanu said...

Hey, that's right, lightning guy is a dead Ringer for Raiden.

And there's that whole Duke Nukem/Snake Plissken resemblance.

Yep, game programmers like their Kurt Russell flicks.

Diacanu said...

Heard of it?
I almost threw it into the last crossovers post!

hyla2 said...

Well . . . SHIT! You gotta embed it in an upcoming one as a bonus feature then! Or something.


Diacanu said...

...I'll try to remember to work it in somewhere.


hyla2 said...


Although, I is tempted most sorely to slap it on up as an 'Awesomeness' category post . . .

Ehh, I just did one of those, though.

Diacanu said...

That was morning, now you can have the nighttime edition.


hyla2 said...


Okay, so . . . who's next?

Diacanu said...

Jingle All Dah Vay!!

Watch my new movie Jingle All Dah Vay, aaeeaaeeuuggh!!
Get to da choppah!
Look out!
Get down!

Diacanu said...

Heh, nah, how 'bout Flash Gordon?

hyla2 said...

Oh, sweet baby Jesus . . .

NOOOPE. Never saw this one. Holiday themed and for kids. And Sinbad. AVOID! It said to me.

I did so.

Diacanu said...

*Drums fingers*
Nothin' Flash Gordon?

Well, I'll go.


"Dispatch War Rocket Ajax to bring back his body!".

"Gordon's alive?".

hyla2 said...


. . .


Super fun movie. Only a little painful. The Queen helps.

Diacanu said...

True to the old serials though.

And, I happen to think it inspired He-Man.

Didja ever see that abomination "Flash Gordon", series SyFy pushed out of its hairy Seth Rogan cheeks?

Yeah, that thing'll make you miss the 80's one with actual tears coming down.

hyla2 said...

ACK! Fug that series.

No, the movie was straight up true to the series/serials . . . knew it was cornball . . . AND EMBRACED THE GLORIOUS CAMP SPECTACLE!

And the cast! Friggin Timothy Dalton! Fuggin Brian Blessed! MUTHAfuggin MAX VON SYDOW!!

BOW, pitiful Earthling!

Diacanu said...

Ah, Sydow....did he and Christopher Lee ever share a screen together?

I don't think a movie would be able to contain the awesome.

hyla2 said...

Not so far as I know. We can dream though!

I think the scene where Ming gets his was the first 'kill' I'd ever seen in a movie, especially on TV. Or at least I remember it as a strong image from the way back when.

Diacanu said...


There was Obi-Wan's robe dissolve, but that wasn't quite the same....

And Owen and Beru's roasting had already happened by the time Luke got there.

Storm Trooper were faceless, and were felled by firecracker sparks.

And SW was the death-y-est movie out there for kids.

...yeah, I think Ming's impalement was the first up close and personal movie death.

Left quite the impression.

Diacanu said...

Oh, hey, yeah! That was War Rocket Ajax what done him in too!

General Kala sent out the instrument of her own masters demise!
It's right in the song!

hyla2 said...

Yep. The ol' Ming-kabob.

Although, even as a kid I had trouble stomaching that he only got 'gently' impaled by the needle on the tip of the rocketship . . . and that it didn't plow through him and splash him all over the throne room.

But camp was over my head back then. Like, I didn't get that the Adam West Batman was a spoof. It was straight up Batman for me.


Diacanu said...

Crap, 10:18, better get crackin' on the new one....

hyla2 said...


And I'M off . . . to throw up that bit of 'Awesomeness'!


"Another time, MacLeod!"

Diacanu said...


hyla2 said...


I ain't seen Tron in years, so my recall is less than perfect. Probably most of what I remember comes from reading the read along with the record storybook I had back in the day.

I remember that Sark is awesome, because he is David Warner. And . . . well, I just remember a whole lotta awesome.

Diacanu said...

Oh, man!
Watch it again sometime!
As an adult, it has all new layers.

Diacanu said...

Oh, and I had that storybook too.
That, Indy 1, and ET.

hyla2 said...

Oh, yeah, tons of those. I had Rankin - Bass's 'The Hobbit', which was awesome because I had pictures of those great character designs.

OH. And a deeply homoerotic Masters Of The Universe read along, although it was a tape book, not record.

"He-Man gazed out over Eternia, his bronze muscles glistening in the sunlight"


I shit you not. I disremember the exact lead in on that bit, but everything after "his" is verbatim. Read by a Stan Lee soundalike.


Diacanu said...


So, am I to take it you haven't seen Legacy?

hyla2 said...

Shit, I saw that in theaters. In the 3D, for what it was worth.

(a headache--*rimshot*)

I liked, mostly. Except for Clu/Past Flynn's fucked up nose.

Could NOT get past it.

(because it wouldn't move--*rimshot*)

Diacanu said...

Really? You don't rewatch the previous ones before watching a new sequel?
I'm OCD about that.

hyla2 said...

Eh. I like to give 'em a fresh-slate chance before I judge through the filter of the previous film.

Also I didn't think of it.


Diacanu said...

Well, the duology pack is out there now...

hyla2 said...

Yeah . . . Hmm. Have to weigh whether I want to own . . . or just Netflix it.

Hmmm . . .

hyla2 said...

Well, only if the Tron themed Playboy shoot is in the extras.


Diacanu said...

Well, sounds like Tron has fizzled out...any special memories about the horror ones?

hyla2 said...

Not . . . especially.

Only saw Dead Zone once, forever ago.

Firestarter in pieces on TV, now and again.

Scanners, though. Ahh, Cronenberg. Whar you be, mister man? We misses ya.

(OH, and the verification code for this comment is . . . feceden!
. . . you don't even want to know what that makes me think of . . . but it's very 'Cronenberg')

Diacanu said...

The protagonist of Scanners even finds out he could mindmeld with computers.
Imagine what you could do with that today!

Scanners vs. Tron!

A wonder Marvel/DC/Dark Horse never nabbed it as a property....

hyla2 said...

No shit. Kinda surprised nobody's 'rebooted' Scanners yet.

Yick. Well, if it gets ol' Michael Ironsides up there again, I'd actually support that. A little.

Diacanu said...

Ah, Michael Ironside...there's a busy guy in showbiz.

He's as at home in an eternal sci-fi classic, as he is in SyFy channel excrement, and everything in between.

And yet, the shit doesn't stick to him.

Him and Lance Henrikson.

hyla2 said...

Does Ironside do a lot of animated voice acting, like Henrikson?

Christ, he should, if not.

Diacanu said...

Oh, hell yeah, he was Darkseid, he was Dark Knight Returns Bats in that one Batman The Animated Series one with the kids telling the different versions of Batman....he's all over the place.

hyla2 said...

AW! Aw, shit. I knew about that ep, but I never saw it.

Lousy WB. >P

I gotta 'Flix that or something . . .

Diacanu said...

Youtube has it I think.
Or, one of the othe r'tube sites, Google-video search it.

It's called "legends of the dark knight".

hyla2 said...

Right. Yet another version of the kids who each have a different version of Batman story, yeah?

I knew about it because I gots the "Batman: Animated" scrapbook that has all the design sketches for the vignettes in that ep, including the '60's style Bats romp. So gotta see it.

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