Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Superheroes 2.5: Part 3- The Wolverine.

Theeeere, that's more fucking like it!!

Very briefly mentioned it here.
Just like having the links, so I ain't gotta go digging...

Let's break this baby down.
  • Kicks "Pacific Rim", in the dick.
  • The above fact antidoted the terrible malaise that experience left me in for the whole rest of yesterday. I finally felt awesome coming out of a theater again. It was the feeling "Pacific Rim", was supposed to give me, and didn't. It's not me, I'm not broken. Good to know.
  • Characters I gave a shit about!!
  • Asian women with spines!
  • Real stunts!
  • Human beings!
  • Hmm...I dunno, I'd put it right up there with Iron Man 3, maybe even better.
  • Unless "Kickass 2", really pulls out some surprises, this just might be the best superhero flick of the summer.
  • Oh, it's no "Dark Knight Rises", or "Avengers", but it's damned good.
  • One minus, it's PG-13, but, the R rated cut is coming right to DVD.
  • Stay after the credits.
  • This jazzes me for "Days Of Future Past".
  • There were no cons.
  • Okay, there were fanboy gripes about changes to a couple characters but...III didn't care.

6 down, 1 to go.
Bring on "Kickass 2".
Wow, 7 fuckin' movies this summer.
This might be a new record for me.

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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Miscellaneous flicks 2.5- Pacific Rim.

Yeah, everyone I know was going nutzoid for this, so I tossed it in there.
If you remember, I wasn't going to bother with this, but...all right, I gave in.

Talked about it here a little bit....

Aaand, it pretty much delivered what it promised from the ads.
Nothing more or less, IMHO.

The pros.
  • It's robots vs. lizards.
  • The mythology of the robots/lizards is nifty.
  • It looks pretty.
  • Stuff blows up.
  • You can tell what's going on in the fights.
  • Ron Perlman.
  • Charlie Day.

The nitpicks (there are no cons).
  • Cardboard cutout romance subplot. (Didn't hamper things though)
  • Asian girl is demure stereotype. (Cute though)
  • Prick waving, towel snapping "Top Gun", bullshit among the pilots. C'mon, every flick with grunts has to do this?
  • Thin characters overall. Had a hard time caring.
  • And on that front...the comic relief guys had more heart than the main cast. I bonded with them way better. Their antics were the only fuckin' life-force I felt.
  • No, fuck it, the thin main characters are a con. CON!!
  • "Independence Day", ending you see coming a mile away.
  • Really? A half hour pre-credits sequence?

The overall...
I always tried to envision a live-action Transformers/Voltron/Robotech movie since I was 10, and it would have been this, not Bayformers. 
10 year old me would have loved this way more.
Alas, I'm not 10.

It's also Godzilla '98 if it hadn't sucked.

Now, people are geeking out on this a lot, and I think maybe it's cuz it's the first one out there that isn't a sequel, prequel, threequel, interquel, reboot, or remake.

But...sorry, I just liked Iron Man 3 better.
Characters were better.

I feel kind of sad inside that this didn't make me high.
It's just...okay, seen that.
From all the fuckin' hype, I was really hoping for that buzz.

Don't know why people are going absolute apeshit, don't know why they're justifying the cheese in this over the cheese in other ones.
Kinda mystified there.
Really, it's like "if you miss this one, you've missed THE movie of the summer!".
And "this is the one you've been waiting for!".
So, I was like "fuck, better see it then".
It's all right, but it's not "biggest movie of the summer!", good.
Wasn't "the one I've been waiting for".
It's "Independence Day", with fucking monsters.
It's fucking Del Toro, I was expecting so much more.
Maybe my expectations were too big, I dunno.

Writing this review depresses me.
I'm not THAT let down, but I'm let down that I was even let down, so it magnifies on itself.
It's not BAD.
It's not NOT GOOD.
It's not even mediocre.
It entertained.
I just wanted more.
From all the fuckin' hype, I wanted more.

Ah, well.

If I gotta rank summer so far....
Still Wolverine and Kickass to go.
Might head out to Wolverine tomorrow.

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Happy 38th birthday to myself!

Last year.

Geez, these years are goin' by too fast.... gummi bear this year.
Think that was my big goodbye to candy.
Ehh...I'll probably be back to it.
Oh, all right, my cake was festooned with Reese's cups.

Had the party Saturday. one gives a shit today.
Well, they do on Facebook, so, thanks, friends.

But y'know, here in meatspace, not so much.
Oh well...

Took myself to see "Pacific Rim".
I'll review that next post, and link it back here.

Hmm, staring down the barrel of 40.
Couple years away.
Kinda makes you reflective.

I had some "what have I done with my life?", kinds of thoughts Friday.
That usual contemplative gloom I get stuck in from time to time.
But, in the end, fuck it.
I regret nothing.
Regret means you could have done it differently.
I really couldn't have.
Not without being a liar, a sellout, a phony, a bootlick, etc, etc.
And, my personality is locked in pretty tight against that shit, so, I couldn't have made those choices.
This is who I am, this is my life.
If some cosmic entity wants to step up to the plate and judge me "unfit", bring it on.
But I won't hear that crap from anything made of meat and bone.
No one who wants that job is worthy.

Yeah, every year, I give less of a shit.
That part of getting older, I'm really enjoying.
Immensely, in fact.

I'm also enjoying how for the most part, that not giving a shit gets reciprocated by society at large.
Buckle in, I'll explain.
In your teens, and a bit into your twenties, you get beaten over the head with that whole fevered ad campaign of "wear these jeans or you won't be cool, and no one will fuck you!", "wear these expensive shoes, or you won't be cool, and no one will fuck you!", "wear this hair product, or no one will fuck you!", "put on this gross cologne, or no one will fuck you!", "whiten your teeth, or no one will fuck you!", "act like the assholes on this show, or no one will fuck you!".
On and on, you know the drill.
And, even a little bit into the 30's, you kind of get "relate to the nostalgia of being one of these stupid fucksticks in your teens-20's, or no one will like you! Much less fuck you!". the time you clear 35 or shuts off like a light switch.
No one gives a fuck anymore.
They just give up on you, and cast you aside.
They finally just up and leave you alone, and move on to the next batch of assholes.
I've really been enjoying that.
It's supposed to make you feel bad, but it's had the complete opposite effect on me.
At this age, they assume I'm supposed to be someone's boring fucking dad, or something.
Apparently, I'm supposed to be watching fucking drywall shows on HGTV, and having bland conversations about stock portfolios.
No thanks.
Bite me.

Yeah, these people becoming boring and lame in their 30's-40's?
They always were.
These are just older versions of the mediocre unimpressive people they always were.
That's another treat.
The front row seat to the middle age burnout of my dumb generation.
Bring me the fucking popcorn.
*Maniacal cackle*

Naw, fuck all that.
I'm gonna be potty mouthed, opinionated, rebelling, resisting, and flipping the double-bird at life until they cremate my ass.

What the fuck else is life for?
I mean, really?

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Saturday, July 27, 2013

Dracula-thon (Part 12)/Franken-fest (Part 9).

So...Dracula has a  new TV show coming in October...


...and another movie in 2014, and two Vlad the impaler movies so "in development", I can't get anything on 'em.

And, Frankenstein's Monster has another movie coming with Daniel Radcliffe as Igor and James McAvoy as the doc, so, look for that to be hyped.

See? They're everlasting characters, I can't keep up with all this shit.

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Thursday, July 25, 2013

The (long delayed) Troma review.

Or, "adding to my collection part 12".
(See here for part 11)

Said this back in fucking May....

I own "Class Of Nuke 'Em high", and "Tromeo & Juliet", and "Terror Firmer".
Short review, they're fucking wonderful.
Ran out to Bull Moose Music, and nabbed them days after the Toxie review, in fact.
And taking its sweet time arriving by Amazon is "Poultrygeist", and, I'm heroin craving for "Troma's War".

But, I'll review all of those next time, once the collection is all together.

As you can guess, I got waylaid by jackassery.
Amazon didn't have their shit together.
Long boring story, but it boils down to that.
Finally got my fucking movies.
Let's do this.
The Troma magnificent seven.

So, timeline goes like this...

Lloyd Kaufman churns out "The Girl Who Returned",  "The Battle Of Love's Return", and "Big Gus, What's The Fuss?", then, invents Troma, and puts out the sex romps "Squeeze Play!", "Waitress!", "Stuck On You!", and "The First Turn-On!".

Then, the one that put Troma on the map...

The Toxic Avenger (1984)

See here and here.

Followed immediately by....

Class Of Nuke 'Em High (1986)

Personally, I love this one as much as Toxie 1.

Said it here...

I consider this, Toxie, and Nuke-em, "The Classic Trilogy".
They all came one after the other, they all interconnect through Tromaville, they all highlight a hellish facet of Reagan's America, they're all equally great, and they're just before...the bad years.
Also, (the actors that play) Bozo, Slug, and Mayor Belgoody are in Nuke-em, and Cigarface is in War.

Yep, this one is in Tromaville, the bad stuff all comes from the Tromaville nuclear plant, continuing the nuclear waste theme from Toxie, and a lot of the same actors are back, so I count this as almost a sequel to Toxie.
Sort of a side-sequel.

You know what? This is my favorite high school film.
Hands down.

For all the good my diploma has done me, I wish I had been a bad kid.
They had me labeled that way anyway, even though I wasn't.
I wish I had more openly rebelled, and gotten dudded up all punk rock, and broken shit, and beaten up teachers, and been a terror.
It would have been such a release.
You know, I bet it's a more common fantasy than any would care to admit.
Anyway, the joy of this film will have to do.

Also, for punk-rock horror comedies, this easily stands shoulder to shoulder with "Return Of The Living Dead", and makes a great double feature with that film.

Anyway, the DVD is 1 disc, but has some nice features.
Commentary (Troma never skimps on commentary. You will never get a plain vanilla Troma flick) cast interviews, and other random goodies.

Commentary was recorded as they were working on "Tromeo & Juliet".
It's interesting to try to mentally assemble the side-timeline of the DVD editions...

The 21st anniversary DVD of Toxie, the bonuses were done in 2005, so, well after the DVD of "Citizen Toxie",  but before the 10th anniversary of "Tromeo & Juliet", and well before they started working on "Poultrygeist".

Anyhoo, on to the third of "the classic trilogy", and the third act of the anti-Reagan triptic.

Troma's War (1988)

From here....

Oh man, I'm sooo happy to re-discover this one!

I saw this way back when I was a teenager on basic cable, and it was censored all to hell, and therefore, boring.
Also, my dumb young mind wasn't ready for the politics.

But, seeing it now, uncut, oh man, this is the movie I've been looking for, and dreaming of!

If you ever wanted a lefty revolutionary antidote to Rambo 2-3, and/or "Red Dawn", this is for you.
This was deliberately made as a middle-finger to Reagan.

SO getting this on DVD.

Famous last words...

So, what I found out in the commentary was this.
The shitty fucking MPAA mutilated "Troma's War", so it could get an R rating, and the castrated version sucked, and it flopped, and because it failed in theaters, the video company (VHS days, remember) didn't make many copies, and what ones they did sat in a warehouse, and the flick seemed doomed, but they made their money back eventually showing it on cable, even though the cable-cut was even more castrated.

So, the DVD is finally the the real version after all these fucking years.
And it's fucking beautiful.
Easily as much fun as Toxie and Nuke 'Em.

It's a fucking cultural crime we were denied it all this time.
Imagine if we finally just got "Nightmare On Elm Street 3".
Imagine if we finally just got "Evil Dead 2".
It's THAT egregious.

Alright, plot is, a plane crashes on an island, and there are a handful of survivors, and then they find out the island is the training camp for terrorists planning on destabilizing America so that more Republicans can gain power.

The survivors are from Tromaville, and the plane is from Tromaville-Air.
So, the brave Tromavillians must stop the ambitions of the terrorists, and it's war, and...this is Troma's masterpiece, it's their biggest film of all time.
300+ kills, thousands of squibs, tons of explosions, and a comment on AIDS is tossed in there.
It's really something.

This film introduces the world to Joe Fleishaker, who's been in almost every Troma film ever since.
Probably best known as Lardass/Chester in "Citizen Toxie".

On the DVD timeline, the commentary and some of the bonuses were from 1998, and then the updated stuff for the "Tromasterpiece collection", edition, like the updated cast interviews, are from 2005, around the same time as the "Nuke 'Em High", director's cut.

And then, we were right into the crappy Toxie sequels, the crappy Nuke 'Em sequels that Lloyd didn't even direct, then fucking Sgt. Kabukiman, and the other side crap from other directors through the 90's.


Tromeo & Juliet (1997)

Oh, I dunno, I said "Troma's War", was their masterpiece, but this one vies for the title...

It's really something special.
One of their all time greats.
And it gets better with multiple viewings.
It truly heralded the turnaround rebirth period for Troma.

Easily my favorite Shakespeare based film.

If you're like me, you respect Shakespeare, hate the culture of snobbish pretense that's built up around him, and of people that know his stuff like the back of their hand and think that's an intellectual feat.
I happen to think Shakespeare himself would've vomited at the thought of there being "Shakespeare scholars".
*Shivers at even typing the phrase*

So, for those of you that spit on that whole nasty blowhard scene, here's your movie.
The Bard all punk-rocked up like he was meant to be.

The standard skeletal plot is Romeo & Juliet, but updated to modern times, and all Troma-ed up with blood, and vomit, and brains, and lesbians, and slapstick.
And no, you don't have to grind your teeth through fucking iambic pentameter.
Fuck the Leonardo Dicaprio version.
This is so much better.
No, this isn't my goofiness talking, nor my Troma fanboyism, it really is.

The main action happens in New York, but Tromaville is seen at the end, so Tromaville is New York adjacent.

Also, Juliet's dad owns a parody version of Troma, and posters for almost everything they've ever made can be seen throughout their home.

It's written by James Gunn, who went on to write/direct one of my favorite films (and possibly my absolute favorite, it's up there) "Super".
It's his first thing ever, and to return the favor, James Gunn puts a Lloyd Kaufman cameo in all his films.
Lloyd's even going to be in "Guardians Of The Galaxy".

DVD timeline, the 10th anniversary edition stuff was recorded just as they were working on "Poultrygeist",

There's FOUR fucking commentaries on this one!
I thought "Citizen Toxie", having three was the most I'd seen.
Holy shit, four.
I think that's the most a disc will hold.

So, you get Lloyd's commentary from 1997.
James and Shawn Gunn's from 1997 that wasn't put on the disc in '97.
A Lloyd and James one from '07.
And the editors commentary from '07.

And then Lloyd and James video commentary on the deleted scenes from '07.

Holy shit, huh?
It's like I said in "Citizen Toxie", Troma makes excellent fucking DVDs.

And you know, seeing the movie 4 times to take all that in didn't make me sick of the flick at all.
It only kept getting BETTER!! (:-D

Oh, yeah, and the second disc is jam packed with updated cast interview type stuff.

Simply marvelous.

Terror Firmer (1999)

Hmm, yeah, I think this is Troma's grossest.

Other ones have a bigger quantity of splatter, or a bigger variety of fluids (looking at you, "Citizen Toxie"), but, this one will really gag you.
I've developed an iron stomach for films, and it even got to me.
You'll love it! );-)

Loosely based on Lloyd's book "All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger", the story follows the exploits of a fictional Troma crew working on a fictional version of Toxie 4, and a murderer is bumping people off.

Introduces Trent Haga who played a vital role in the production of "Citizen Toxie", and is a hoot in this.
Talented kid. Wish he did more of these.

Also, the dude that played Tromeo carries over into this.
What's he doing now?

DVD wise, another one with 3 commentaries.
Second disc has a making of documentary, which, while good, wasn't as funny as the one for "Citizen Toxie".
From here on out, the DVDs fit into the time they were made.

Then came...

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)

See here and here.

I kind of count the flick they made in "Terror Firmer", as Toxie 3.5. ;-)

Then, finally, and this is the one that Amazon tortured me with, and Bullmoose refuses to carry....

Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead (2006)

The box says "as savage as 'Dawn Of The Dead', as slapstick nutzoid as 'Evil Dead 2'".

Good comparison, but, I think this is more political than DOTD, and easily has more gallons of gore and slime than ED2.

Don't believe me?
Try 'er out.
Rent/buy this baby.

Anyway, this is to fast food what "Troma's War", is/was to Reagan era war-wanking.
Totally blows away "Fast Food Nation", and "Super Size Me".
Makes the Barth skits on "You Can't do That On Television", look like Carebears.

As far as grossout laughs, it's right up there with "Citizen Toxie".
Stands side by side.

And yes, it all happens in Tromaville.
Of course.

And did I mention it's a musical?
Lyrics are dreadful for some of them, but the tunes are catchy.
They will go earworm on you.

DVD just has a single Lloyd commentary.
Second disc has the making of, which is pretty good, but like "Terror Firmer", still isn't as funny as the "Citizen Toxie", one.
That one was lightning in a bottle.
Third disc is a karaoke disc of the songs.
I coulda lived without that, but it's neat to know the lyrics.

Up next for Troma, "Return To Nuke 'Em High", parts 1 and 2, and Toxie 5 "The Toxic Twins".

And, ugh, there, that's done.
That closes the door on that ordeal of staring psychotically at the mailman out my window for 2 fucking months (and some change).
And, we're done!

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Monday, July 22, 2013

The freshest batch of crossovers!

Previous batches...
Okay, what with other stuff, haven't been keeping up on this...

Worlds Collide: Megaman & Sonic (2013)

Ahh, well, that cuts through a lot of bullshit.

Before, to get from Sonic to Megaman, I had to go Sonic to Smash Brothers, Smash Brothers to Link, Link to Soul Calibur, Soul Calibur to Tekken, Tekken vs. Street Fighter, Street Fighter to Marvel vs. Capcom which has Megaman.

Now, bam, all one connection.

And coming soon...

Simpsons meet Family Guy.

I shit you not, this is happening.

It's going to happen on Family Guy, in an episode called "The Simpsons Guy".
Not parody versions, the real Simpsons cast.

I guess the Seth MacFarlane guest spot on Simpsons paved the way.
They reran that just yesterday to remind us.

This helps a lot, before to get from Simpsons to Family Guy, I had to point to the ones where Homer came to the real world in an old Halloween episode, and Stewie and Brian came to the real world in "road to the multiverse", and then do a lot of contorting to justify that.

Now, bam all one move.

Simpsons meet Futurama

Again, I shit you not, this one's happening too.
On Simpsons after Futurama is over.
So, a retroactive bonus episode for Futurama.

This on top of their prior crossover in the comics, but, what the hell, now it'll be "official".

So, wow, Simpsons also crossed over with X-Files, and The Critic.
And Family Guy naturally crosses over with Cleveland Show, and American Dad.
And Family Guy also crossed over with Robot Chicken.
And Robot Chicken had Peter Griffin and Grand Master Shake cameos.
And Aqua Teen Hunger Force interconnects with Sealab 2021, Space Ghost Coast To Coast, and The Brak Show.
So...that's every big time cartoon series there.
(Except Boondocks, Venture Bros, Black Dynamite, Bob's Burgers, Home Movies, Archer, South Park, Duckman, okay, never mind...)
And nevermind cross-referencing all the celebrity guest stars across Family Guy, Simpsons, and Futurama.
That would split my head open.
And my Modok pumpkin can hold a lot, so that's saying something.

Aaaanyway, if they can just do an official crossover with anyone and South Park, I can get the "Imagination Land", episode to do the rest.

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Best of the worst of the worst.

So, going back through all 14 entries to make sure I didn't leave anything behind...

...of all the "controversial", and "infamous", ones I've dug up, these were the only ones that did anything for me.

Chainsaw 1 & 2.

See here, here, and here.

I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

See here and here.

Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer (1986)

See here and here.

The Aristocrats (2005)

See here.

Still don't think it belongs, but people are just such fuckin' pussies....

'Pede 1 & 2

See here, here, and here.

Tom Six is the fucking emperor of dark comedy.

Oldboy (2005)

See here.

Yhep....just 8.
Been watching these fucking things since January, and that's it.
Thought it would be more.
Am I a snob?
I dunno.
I don't think so....
I don't think I ask for much....*shrug*

Anyway, I'm pretty sure you'd enjoy those.
Maybe you'd like the ones I hated.
I dunno.
If your IQ is above room temperature, I tend to doubt it.
..was...was that snobby?
Ah, fuck it.

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Sunday, July 21, 2013

Happy 1st anniversary, The Continued Adventures Of Harry Hembock!!

The original release.

Order here!


There, now we're well into the summer of Hembock.
By now, I was getting more confident already, and had the uploading process down pat.

And, having the year to reflect, I'm even more confident, and certain about what's important to me.
It's my creative liberty.
That's my lifeblood, always has been.
It's what I fought for in all of my rebelling and resistance all of my life.
Shmegalamomonga and my Amazon publishing are my Troma.

I'm not in it for "Rich and famous!! Rich and famous!!".
If I get that all on my terms with no soul-selling, and game playing, fine.
But it's not my primary goal, or even secondary.
It's pretty low on the list, actually.
If I wanted to be famous at all costs, I could walk right out the door, right now, and do something stupid to get on the news.
America has become that lately.
That's why we have all these awful reality shows.
Screw that.
If I wanted to be rich at all costs, I could be a trend whore, and write the next "Twilight".
Or worse, be like the opium addicted cow that wrote "Little Women".
There's my ultimate nightmare right there.
Fuck that right in the ear.

This awful striving greed culture can say what it wants about me, and I no longer give a shit.
I'm fulfilled and happy doing what I'm doing.
If anything else comes of it, that'll be gravy.
I've already got the meat & potatoes.

I'm also more confident about the books themselves.
I wavered a little here, but fuck it, they're great, and I love 'em.
They're my babies.
They're a fucking riot, you'll enjoy 'em if you let yourself, and if you don't buy 'em, it's your loss, not mine.
Oh well.

Harry Hembock has been the ride of my life, and I feel sorry for people that don't have something like that.
Find your fucking Harry, before it's too late, kids.
And never let the zombies take it from you.
If all the accumulated rants on Shmegalamonga have been about anything, it's that last bit.

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Saturday, July 20, 2013

Flicks I've watched (Part 14)

See here for part 13.

Juno (2007)

Wow, ought-seven?
I'm really late to that one....

Well, you know I'm ga-ga for "Super", and "Hard Candy", so, naturally, I had to finally complete the Ellen Page triptic.

...I liked it.
A lot.
What? *Shrug*
I dunno, there's some hipster hatred for Diablo Cody, and I don't get it.
I gotta admit, I was on the bandwagon, sight unseen.
I just lazily assumed this was like a Wes Anderson movie, y'know?

No, it's cute, but it's not sugary, or phony, it's just right.
I didn't want to punch anyone.
That's quite a feat.
Anyway, I saw this weeks ago, and this post is really horror based, but this connects to the the other films.
You'll see why.

Oh, speaking of Ellen Page triptic, I shit you not, she starts out wearing the red hoodie from "Hard Candy".
So, there you go, it is a trilogy.
She kills some child molesters, then gets knocked up, and this stuff happens, then she goes to work for a comic book store, and becomes Boltie.
Full circle. ;-)

Suspiria (1977)

Another one like "Audition", and "Oldboy", that I first learned of on "The Top 100 Scariest Movie Moments".

I really wanted to like this one.
I say that a lot, but dammit, despite my grouchiness, I really am an optimist, and give things a damned good chance.

As you can guess, it was a total fucking letdown.
Not scary at all.
The gore is fakey, the story is stupid, the acting terrible, the score is annoying, there's long stretches of tedious boredom between fake kills, just ugh.
Another torture trial.
Fucking bummer.

Oh, and people rave about the art direction and the colors on this.
Who cares?
They said that shit about "Dick Tracy".
Fuck off.
Sugar cereals are fucking colorful, doesn't make them gourmet.

Aaanyhoo, Juno was a Dario Argento nut, so, that's the first connection.

Tenebre (1982)

Another Argento, another letdown.

It's better than "Suspiria", but that ain't saying much.

It's got a better story for sure.
It's more of a detective story.
I was hoping for an Argento-y "Red Dragon", y'know?
A nice little police procedural with some splatter.
But, damn, again with the slow boring pace.
It's not tense, fucker, it's tedious.

Jayzus, you ain't gotta be killing people all the time, but give me something.
Dialog, character humor, push some plot, something.

So, best thing that happens, at the end, a girl gets her arm chopped off, and she screams her guts out, and swears her head off pretty realistically.
But, the hosing stump is pretty fake.

Like "Suspiria", not scary at all.
Like bullets off Superman, bounced right off me.

A friend told me he liked this better than "Human Centipede 2".
Yeah, just gonna have to disagree there, and move on.

The Wizard Of Gore (1970)

I'd always heard of Herschell Gordon Lewis, he did the original "2000 Maniacs", that got remade into the one with Robert Englund, and a bunch of others.

So, it was another one I was willing to give a chance, and wanted to dig.

Now, this is the one that Juno gets introduced to that she ends up liking a lot better than Dario Argento flicks.

Well, this is better than "Susperia", and "Tenebre", but again...that ain't saying much.
Gore is fakey as hell, I mean, even on that poster, you can see that's a crappy dummy head for the dead girl,.

And yet again...booooring.
The only thing that saves it from being Argento levels of boring, is the characters are hammy instead of wooden.

Yeah, this belongs alongside the cheese in "Bargain Bin  Bounty 1".

So, after that punishment trial, I really needed something to rinse out my mouth.

Cabin In The Woods (2011)

Ohhhhh, soooo muuuuch beeeetter!!

Oh, why did I wait so long?
I totally have to buy this, and I kick myself for not seeing it at the theater.

I can't add anything to this you haven't heard from every other hack on the net, or from yourself inside your head, because you've probably seen it.

Bless you, Joss, you fucking saved my afternoon.

That's it, I'm fucking done with these "controversial", golden oldies.
I'm not doing it anymore.
I know what's good, I know what I like.
I gave it all a fair chance, I feel like my homework is fucking done.
I've torn film history apart, if anything good managed to hide from me, then it has an ultimate cloaking device, and deserves to be hidden, cuz it don't wanna be found.
I'm out, this is finished.

Up next, retrospective.

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Avengers 2 news.

Age Of Ultron.

Previous Avengers 2 news...

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"Man Of Steel 2", news.

It's World's Finest.

(Superman & Batman to you non-comic readers).

You may now jump up and down and shriek.

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Friday, July 19, 2013

Flicks I've watched (Part 13)

See here for part 12.

Ope! Forgot a couple!
Knew I would.

So, this is also "Worst Of The Worst", part 3.
(1, 1.5, 2)

Straw Dogs (1971)

Overrated fucking garbage.

(Had to dig around in my Facebook archives to remember when this was)
Watched this back in June 11th, which would have been between the reviews for "Message From Space", and the ones for "Starcrash", and "Battle Beyond The Stars", and it was kind of lumped into that viewing batch.

It didn't go with those, so I was going to give it its own separate thing, but I really didn't want to go in depth with it, and then I just sort of forgot about it.
But, now that I'm back on course with stuff that was controversial and shocking to people, this popped back into my memory.

Okay, so the controversy with this, is there's a rape, and the victim has a complex gamut of emotions, including forcing herself to enjoy it, and...*shrug* all right.
What else you got?
Yes, rape can be complicated.
Adults need to have this explained?
I guess they did in '71.
Intellectuals should have known better.
Nope, they were prudes too.
Fuck them for being weaklings.

But, really, this is pretentious, and boring as shit, and Hoffman's character is a pussy, and never really stops being a pussy.
There's no one likable in this.
No one.
Pussies and assholes all.
And it has the pacing of watching paint dry.

Biggest part of why I forgot to review this was my bitter un-enthusiasm.
I want those fucking 2 hours back.

I'm offended when people are such pussies they're offended by boring crap like this.
I thought the 70's were hip, not another extension of fucking Victorian times.
America never fully lets go of that Victorian streak.

Ilsa: She Wolf Of The SS (1975)

Haven't watched it, not going to.
Have seen an in-depth video review with clips, and it looks like pretentious boring schlock in the same foodgroup as "Salo".

The "Saw", of its day.
Bite my ass.

There, NOW I think that's everything.
The famous ones, anyway.
No doubt there's hundreds of underground ones.

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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Flicks I've watched (Part 12)

See here for part 11.

This one doubles as "The Worst Of The Worst", part 2.
The update counts as part 1.5.

Dead Hooker In A Trunk (2009)

Okay, this isn't one of the "worst of the worst", flicks, I dug this one up, because it's the only other one by the Soska Sisters who did "American Mary", so I was just curious.

Um...yeah, not so great.
Really, Eli Roth?
"Fucking Awesome"?
Nuh uh.
You'se lyin'.

I mean, it was watchable, it held my interest, it had good parts, but it had a bunch of stupid stuff, and bad acting too.
Lotta bad acting.
See that third girl who isn't a Soska Sister?
Hated her guts.
Jumpin' Jehosifat.
And she wouldn't go away, or get killed off.

The Soskas were probably the best, and they were basically just playing themselves.

Anyway, "American Mary", is a VAST improvement over this.
Shit, by their third flick, they'll really be hitting it out of the park.

Um...hard to describe the reeks of "student film", for sure.
Tonally, it's like....early "Clerks", Kevin Smith, and "The Adventures Of Pete & Pete",...with murders instead of jokes.
The gore effects are done well, I'll give it that.
And it's got some raunchy stuff that might make you smile.
Tell you what, I'd watch this over most anything you'll see in a fucking Redbox.

Okay, if it's stars, 3 out of 5, how's that?

Audition (1999)

Okay, so now we're into the ones with the famous reputations.

This is my least liked of the three I'm doing.
I would gladly watch "Dead Hooker In A Trunk", again over this.

Vastly overrated.
Hugely overrated.

It's a shame, the characters are good, performances are great, and even though the buildup is a solid 2 hours, you don't really feel it, it's all engaging stuff.
But...the stupid ending ruins it, and I don't mean the controversial gore.

Wrapped around the whole thing is this whole indulgent pretentious "what's real, and what's a dream?", horseshit straight out of the worst episodes of "Freddy's Nightmares", that doesn't go anywhere, slows things down, and just hurtled my rating of this thing down like a fucking roller-coaster.

And then the absolute ending-ending was a total deflating formula dud.

As for the violence?
Yet another one where your expectations are a helluva lot worse.
It's rough stuff, sure, but I can think of a whole bunch of flicks with worse (and more).
Probably ones you've all seen.
It's all fucking hype.

I wouldn't recommend it.
There are much better ones to see.
This one would just slow you down from getting to those.

The people who hyped this up need a slap.
Especially Rob Zombie in "The Top 100 Scariest Movie Moments".
Really, Rob?
With the movies you watch, and make?
This freaked you out?
You're a fucking pussy, Rob.
A pussy.

Old Boy (2005)

Oh, the raving, the raving, the RAVING over this one.
I was SO ready for it to suck.
You know me, I distrust critic bukkakke.

It's fucking great.
Best of these three hands down.'s not really a violence movie.
It's fucking art.

I mean, it's got violence, and it's intense...but no moreso than say, "Sin City".
And, it's not ABOUT the violence.
Don't watch this if you're some fucking teenager looking for a dumb violence flick.

This beats the SHIT out of "Pulp Fiction", by the way.
Tarantino should have fucking quit after this.

They're remaking this with white people, and that's a damn shame.
Fucking Hollywood.
Fucking racism.
As if you can't just watch this one.

Anyway, fucking watch this.

Now...of the three....only "Audition", kind of deserves its reputation of hushed whispers, because, at least that's an actual horror., it's all in the "misunderstood art", category this time.

But...that's it, I think I've finally seen 'em all.
The ones that are supposed to have the power to scramble your brain.
I'll probably think of some other one, but for now, I think I've cleared the list.
Feel free to recommend anything in comments.

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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Adding to my collection (Part 11)

(See here for part 10)

Phew, ohhh, this miserable HEAT!
You should see my poor cats, they're melted.
So, anyhoo, boxed and bagged up a shitload of crappy old DVDs, and CDs, and VHSes I didn't want anymore, and took 'em up to Bullmoose for store credit.
It was 20 years of detritus, so it was a sizable pile, but given how nasty-neat and efficient I strive to be, it wasn't so bad.
Two small boxes, two small bags.

Got enough dough for three free flicks, so, here they are.

Batman The Movie (1966)


See here for my rambling on that one.
So, this post also counts as the update to "Assessing My Collection".

DVD features are a documentary, and an Adam West and Burt Ward commentary.
Can't wait to dig into those.

Evil Dead (2013)

See here.

Man, that was a quick turnaround!
Thing just came out in fucking April!
And, I was right, the DVD art is better than the crappy poster.

Features are a couple documentaries, no commentary.
They're more and more forcing you to get the Blu-ray.

American Mary (2013)

See here.

DVD features are a documentary, and a commentary by The Soska Sisters.

Damn, where were these awesome crazy bitches when I was young?
Everyone wanted to be their fucking humdrum parents.
It was disgusting.
I couldn't stand it.
...but I digress...

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Monday, July 15, 2013

Flicks I've watched (Part 11)

See here for part 10.

So, I heard about these round about the time I also got recommended to me Manborg, American Mary, and Stitches.

And well...I'll get into why I held off in the reviews.

The Collector (2009)

So, this totally just looked like tired rehashed torture-porn to me.
And they even pimp the thing as being written by the guys who wrote fucking Saw IV, V, and VI.

That's not a good recommendation.
It may as well say "if you loved 'Encino Man'....".

I steered clear.
It seemed the wise rational thing to do.

Well, after seeing a video review that allayed my worries, I checked it out.
I was pleasantly surprised.
And, that's really an understatement.

Like "Mother's Day", is the antidote to the entire "Friday The 13th", franchise, this is the antidote to everything wrong with the "Saw", franchise.

It addresses my every beef with the Saws.
  1. Asshole protagonists. I hated everyone in the Saws from 2 onward. Hated their stupid rotten awful guts. You actually like the guy in "The Collector", and you get 25 minutes of character development with him before the bad shit starts happening. "Mother's Day", had this plus too.
  2. Implausibly unstoppable villain whose conspiracy has no fucking periphery.  "The Collector", is smart, but he makes mistakes, and has flaws to exploit.
  3. There are torture traps, but it's not pure sadism for its own sake. And the traps are foil-able.
  4. The killer is there taking part, he dirties his hands, and the tables can be turned on him.
  5. He turns YOUR home into the deathtrap. That's a scary twist I hadn't seen before.
  6. Heehee, given 5, I imagined this is what Kevin from "Home Alone", grows up into.
  7. The killer shuts the fuck up. After 7 fucking Saws with the jeering TV set, we really needed a fucking break with that.

So, yeah, I would recommend this.
It's a decent little horror film.
Good one for a Halloween marathon.
I especially recommend it, because it gets you to the sequel.

Waaatch eeet!!!!

The Collection (2012)

One of those ones like "Evil Dead 2", and "Hellbound", and "Dawn Of The Dead", and "Aliens", that surpasses the original.

In fact, tonal shift wise, this one relates to the first in the way that "Alien", relates to "Aliens".
It even has the core skeletal plot with a whole armed team dragging the survivor back to go after the monster.

It picks up right where the first one left off, and features a scene where the villain literally mows down (with a sort of thresher type blade) a whole techno dance club.
Well, they had me at "hello", there!
I've always wanted to see that!
How did they read my mind?
Did Horror-Claus forward my letter?

Oh, and survivor-girl is a cutie.
If there are sequels, I totally want her back.

So, yeah, these are both well worth your time, don't be fooled by the shitty publicity for this thing.
This duology deserves to be among the new classics.
They definitely go on my shopping list.

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The year without Twinkies.

Well, 9 months, anyway.
Enough time to grow a new human being fer chrissakes.

Here's a link to "Gorge-a-thon 8", where they died.

Anyway, they're back.

So, what's gone on?
Well, not much for the Twinkies.
People got on with their lives.
Which makes me think, a lot of things this culture thinks it can't do without could go away, and we'd be okay.
How about the NFL?
Let's get rid of them for 9 months, see how that goes.

What else?
Well, the obvious ramification of the Twinkie mess, is another union is dead.
The rich always get their way in the end.
No one batted an eye over that.
Everyone just rolls over, and takes it.
"Home of the brave", my ass.

How'd that 9 months go for the world?
Bunch of people died.
One of the Glee kids didn't make it.
DOMA got overturned.
Buncha movies came out.
Human Centipede 3 completed filming, and is in the editing phase.
I started a new project.
Harry turned 24.
Krazyfool's Den turned 14.
Harry book 1 turned 1.
Shmegalamonga turned 5.
As did Harry Dark Designs.

Yeah, just stuff.

Thought there'd be riots on the front end, and parades on the back end of this whole thing, frankly.
But, there ya go.
Planet kept turning just fine.

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Sunday, July 14, 2013

Superheroes 2.4 Superman (Part 1 addendum)

Superman Unbound (2013)

So, tacking this between this and this.

This is the latest DC animated flick to come out post-Dark Knight Returns.
Finally got around to seeing it.

I liked it....but with reservations, like "Man Of Steel".

The pros.
  • Animation is great.
  • Great character meat between Lois and Supes, Supes and Supergirl, and Lois and Supergirl.
  • The three lead good guys are pitch perfect in both in writing and performance, their scenes truly are a delight.

The cons.
  • Brainiac is a cardboard mustache twirler. I mean, yeah, he's an emotionless cyborg, and yet...he's not...he's got hate, contempt...that's enough to give us some depth, let us see what he's about, instead of this stock comic-booky "Muahahahaaa! I'm so evil, let me show you how evil I am!", horseshit. They had meaty stuff for the good guys, why raise my expectations there to let me down with the bad guy?
  • The violence and profanity was a bit high for an animated thing. It doesn't bother me personally, I'm a solid clump of anti-censorship sentiment, but...who are they marketing this to? The basic plot is stock comic book stuff, it's no DKR, you could have trimmed the gore, and been able to sell it to kids. If they want to scare off kids, then who is this for? Teen fanboys? Maybe. Adult fans like me? Well, then give me more adult stuff with the character development. They just took a standard Superman comic book plot, and threw Lois flipping double birds, Superman going "go to Hell", and a bunch of needless head-crushings in there. The tone confused me. 

The nitpicky.
  • Took me awhile to get used to Lois's character design in this. Her face and hairdo looked harsh, she resembled Ursa (from Superman 2) more than Lois. But, maybe that's just me.
  • I can't really dissect this too much without giving away spoilers, but the moral message to this was all over the place. It seemed to want to say something about too much control, and they mirrored the control Supes/Clark was having over his relationship with Lois, and the control Brainiac exerted over the planets he conquered, and the cities he bottled up....but, it was very inconsistent. Hey, if control is bad, and anathema to the evolution of life, you might wanna consider quitting the superhero business, Clark. 
  • Maybe this is just me, but it felt like in the end that Brainiac was a strawman for introvert geeks (which further confuses me as to who the audience for this is). 
  • This bit got under my skin from a character perspective, and, sorry, spoilers ahead, it seemed in the very-very end, Brainiac had some kind of mental illness. Like a super-duper-duper agoraphobia. He had the sensory overload thing that young Clark had in "Man Of Steel", but Brainiac lost the fight, and went nuts. If Brainiac is nuts, wouldn't/shouldn't Superman HELP him? If he's nuts, he can't help it. If you can fix him, he can be redeemed. Nope, Superman in this lets him fry, and gloats over him. Maybe Superman made the calculation that Brainiac to too dangerous to leave alive, but if so, let's see some fucking regret. It's fucking Superman, not Punisher. 
  • It really is a shame they had that out of character moment there, because, as said in pros, all the characters were dead-on up until then.
  • All of the above is what makes me suspect that it's a strawman for geeks. It's not Superman talking, it's the writer with his prejudices. 

So...overall...I dunno how to rate it.

It's certainly MILES better than "Superman: Brainiac Attacks".
Stayed with me better than "Superman vs. The Elite".
Not quite as good as "All-Star Superman".
The good character meat scenes are actually better than "Man Of Steel", IMHO.
But yeah, the ending, and moral, and drab villain drag it down pretty hard.

Good rental, wouldn't buy it.
Your mileage may vary.

Up next for DC animated, "The Flashpoint Paradox".
That's gonna be a Justice League thing, and have Kevin Conroy.
If that can reach the standard of "Crisis On Two Earths", and "Doom", I'll be a happy camper.

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Saturday, July 13, 2013

Assessing my collection. (Superheroes)

So, I did En-Mike-lopedia 1, and looked over every superhero movie ever made, and then boiled it all down to my favorites.

And, over the last couple years, I've gradually been pecking away at it, buying up those favorites, observed last review, I think I'm just about in the home stretch!

So, thought it might be fun to go back over that.

In the order of En-Mike-lopedia 1, but linking to the collecting reviews (where applicable).

Gladiator (1930)

Got it.

Christopher Reeve Supermans (1978-1987)

Got 'em.

Didn't intend to get 4, but some dipthong shipped me 4 in the the box for 3, so had to order 3 again to actually get 3, and then, I printed out the right DVD art for 4.
Well, 4 is interesting for the commentary if for nothing else.

Superman Returns (2006)

Got it.

Man Of Steel (2013)

Seen it.

Can't buy it yet. Soon...

Superman: Doomsday,
All-Star Superman

Got 'em.

Adam West Batman (movie) (1966)

Need it.

Keaton/Kilmer/Clooney Batmans (1989-1997)

Got 'em.

Nolanverse Batmans (2005-2012)

Got 'em.

Kevin Conroy Batmans

Got 'em.

Except for "Mystery Of The Batwoman", but I don't want it.

Year One, Gotham Knight, Under The Red Hood, vs. Dracula.
The Batman Superman Movie, 
Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, 
Superman/Batman: Apocalypse.

Got 'em.

Justice League:
Secret Origins, The Brave And The Bold, Unlimited, 
Young Justice, Starcrossed. 

Got 'em.

Justice League:
Crisis On Two Earths, Doom.

Got 'em.

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns

Got 'em.

Watchmen (2009)

Got it.

Boy, do I ever...

Swamp Thing (1982)

Got it.

Wonder Woman & Flash

Need 'em.

Raimi Spidermans (2002-2007)

Got 'em.

Had 'em all along.

Sony Spiderman

Seen it.

Don't want it.
Think I'm bailing out on the sequels too.

Hulk series (1977-1982)
Hulk TV movies (1988-1990)

Got 'em.

Hoo boy, do I ever.

Ang Lee Hulk (2003)

Got it.

Had it all along.

Avengers: Phase 1 (2009-2012)

Got it.

Up next, Avengers phase 2, starting with Iron Man 3.

Tom Jane Punisher. (2004)

Got it.

Had it all along.

Transformers (1986)

Crappy bootleg, needs an upgrade to the good one.

Robocop (1987)

Got it.

The Toxic Avenger (1986)
Citizen Toxie (2000)

Got 'em.

Ghostbusters (1984)
Ghostbusters II (1989)

Got 'em.

Had 'em all along.

Unbreakable (2000)

Got it.

Hellboy (2004)

Got it.

Had it all along.
Eh...keep not getting Golden Army to go with it for some reason...

Kick-Ass (2010)

Got it.

Super (2011)

Got it.

Fucking worship it.

Defendor (2010)

Got it.

Hero At Large (1980)

Got it.

The Greatest American Hero (1981-1983)

Got it.

The Return Of Captain Invincible (1983)

Got it.

Flash Gordon (1980)

Got it.

The Wraith (1986)

Got it.

Dredd (2012)

Got it.

The Incredibles (2004)

Got it.

Had it all along.

Heroes (2006)

Got it.

And...that's that.
I'm pretty happy with how that's worked out.
I'll update this as the gaps are filled.

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