Sunday, October 30, 2011

Happy Halloween!!!!

Hell yeah, ya fuckin boogins!!!!


Have you heard this creeping bullshit about schools trying to kick the holidays out?
Now, it's Halloween that's "offensive".
And certain costumes are "offensive".

You know what?

Every day that ISN'T a holiday fuckin' offends me.

Look, holidays are all secular moosh now, so there's no reason to get offended on religious grounds.
Also why I'm not offended on atheist grounds.

And, of 'em all, Halloween is my favorite of the lot, cuz 1.) candy, 2.) drunken people in costumes, 3.) horror flicks.

Drunken people in costumes, I figure, are at last being their true selves they hide all fucking year.

And horror films, they're the one genre of film that really shows humanity as its raw naked self, no fuckin' bullshit.
Even the supernatural stuff.
That's myth getting to the nitty gritty.

And the candy?
Well, that's the same gluttony as Christmas without all the denialist feel-good Hallmark bullshit.
Unapologetic bacchanalia.

It's the most authentic day of the fuckin' year, and the only time of year where things make fucking sense to me.
I ache for it like I used to Christmas.

Y'know what, you PC zombies?
Stare into the magic pumpkin, bitches!

Well, there, that's the end of them, now let's have fun.

First, the bigass recap of the marathon that led up to this day.
Franchises are arranged in year order of the first film of each series...

Texas Chainsaw Massacre




Friday The 13th

Evil Dead

A Nightmare On Elm Street


The Hannibal Lecter series



Child's Play

The 90's bring the pain.

The 00's bring more pain.

Uncle Robert saves the day!

Honorable mentions (part 1)

Honorable mentions (part 2)


And now, let's have us a couple merry tunes..


Frankie teardrop.

Hamburger lady


Dream warriors

Nightmare/I want your hands on me

Why was I born?

He's back (the man behind the mask)

Toxic Avenger/Killer Klowns


Tonight (we'll make love until we die)

Come to me

The beast inside

There's a good sized feast for yah.
Don't ever say I don't love you people enough.

Merry Deathmas!
And a happy new candy!

Read More......

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Sequel-itis (or..none of this is new)

Ookay, so that's alla da mooveez....


You probably noticed from all those, how Hollyood definitely seems to love the sequel.

Well, yes, they do, despite Conservative rhetoric, your typical businessman is a chickenshit, and they love to bet on the sure thing.

Oh, they'll take a crazy risk every now and then, and surprise the hell out of you, but, whenever they can grunt out 7 Saws into the litterbox, and have a 6 ton cube of Benjamins drop on their heads, they're happy to do that too.

But is this really a NEW phenomenon?

Not really.

Let's just gaze backward a bit...

From 1958 to 1973, Hammer studios produced 7, count 'em 7 Christopher Lee Dracula films!

From 1957 to 1974, again by Hammer, there were 6 Frankenstein films.

Further back, from 1931 to 1948 (counting Abbot and Costello) there are 8 Frankenstein's Monster films under the Universal banner.

Even further back, you had the Alan Quartermain novel series, those ran from the 1880's to the 1920's, it has 16 entries, and they were all over the fucking place.
Sequels, prequels, in-between-quels...
Check out this timeline.

So, prequels, and jumpy timelines aren't even new...

You want long ass series, and tangled timelines?
Get a load of Frank Baum's Oz universe.
Go ahead, read all of that, I dare you.

And reboots?
Not new.
Any recasting, or new production of  a play is essentially a "remake", and a remake that throws away enough of the old, is what is considered nowadays as a "reboot".
And plays go all the way back to fuckin' Rome.

And horror, even of the gory variety, isn't new.
People have been killing each other a looooong fucking time.
And people have been writing some of it down.
Enough to fill...well, libraries.

It's ancient stuff, kids, don't let the salesmen act like it's all invented since you were born.

Cuz, that's how they get ya.
They make you think all this sex and violence they want to "protect", you from is this latest disease to come along like bird flu, or monkey pox, and you need to be cured.
And the cure is to take your fucking movies and music away.
And substitute some state approved zombie noise.

And these people aren't new either.
There were "concerned parents", trying to snip Hercules's balls off in the day.

We've been over this ground before.

We'll probably do it again.

I draw both horror, and comfort from this.

Me, I'm just in it for the fuckin' movies.
I'm haplessly dragged into the free speech warrior stuff whenever the assholes get in my way.

To quote Dr. Frankenfooter " It's not easy having a good time! Even smiling makes my face ache!".

Up next, HALLOWEEN!! (the day, not the film)

Read More......

The Popeye dream.

I might've gotten around to describing this in a written post...someday, but..this is way better.

Check it out.

In the finich.

Read More......

Honorable mentions (part 2)

Yesterday, we had part 1, go see that if you missed it, and today, part 2.
Actually, got part 1 in just under the wire...phew.

My ass was dragging, and it kinda shows...but...the results are fucking funny, so I'll leave it how it is.

Anyway, on to 2...

Hmm, looking at the lineup, more fun stuff, and flat out comedies this time...

Fright Night

The film-

Classic, love it.

80's fun like 976-Evil, but done way better.

Yeah, they fuckin' remade this one too.
Although, lotta folks are saying it's actually good.
I do love in the ads how they openly attack "Twilight".
I'll wait 'til some people I know and trust see it.

Hey yeah...Susan and Chris Sarandon have both been sexy vampires in cult classics.
Well, ain't that somethin?

The history-

I think this might have been my first gory horror movie that I was both allowed to see, and was able to withstand without vomiting, or having nightmares.

Yep...debatable as to whether it was this, or Swamp Thing that popped my horror cherry.

I gotta go with this one.
Swamp Thing is more on the border of superhero action.

If you wanna pass your horror fandom on to your kids, I'd still recommend that one as the crossover to ease 'em in.

Return Of The Living Dead

The film-

Oh, hells yes!!

Yeah, some Romero elitists are like "eeew, that one's not serious, it's a campy parody".

Yeah, so what?
Ya like "Creepshow", doncha?
And that was by Romero.
Loosen the fuck up.

And besides, it's the sequels to this that blow, the first one is great.

And it's got Linnea Quigley titty! (mentioned before here)
Y'know, Dan O'Bannon in the commentary swears she was shy, and didn't like doing those scenes..but man, she must have really gotten over that, because well...look at the rest of her career!

Oh, connections time.

Linnea Quigley is in this, and was a pair of stunt breasts in the souls coming out of Freddy scene in "Nighmare 4".

Clu Gulager was in it, and he was Jesse's dad in "Nightmare 2".

James Karen was in it, and he was the guy who didn't move the bodies, and got screamed at for not doing so in "Poltergeist".

Dan O' Bannon wrote and directed this, and he broke through in the business by writing "Alien".
He also wrote "Lifeforce", and two segments of "Heavy Metal".

So, it's got a good pedigree, and is another one that has that "class reunion", feel to it.

The history-

Saw the ads for it on premium cable the exact same day I saw "Hellraiser", over my grandmother's.

I always saw it on the shelves at Nicely's, but...never rented it for some reason...

Finally, saw a good review of it at Cinemassacre, and caved in, and got it, and was not disappointed.
I'd put it right next to "Creepshow", for beloved-ness.

Vampire Hunter D (and Bloodlust)

The film-

Wow, way back here in the 80's this originally came out, huh?

Good little anime, second one has massively better animation but...I dunno, I like the characters a little better in the first one.
Particularly Magnus Lee.
Both do a good job of establishing that gothic atmosphere.

I personally think probably better than a lot of Dracula adaptations.

Y'know, when you think about it....I think the Castlevania games came out of this.
Very similar henchman monsters, Doris has a whip like Simon, Rei throws a flying blade much like the cross boomerang in Castlevanias 1,3, and 4.

To you gamer fanboys out there that always wanted a Castlevania movie,...just watch these. *shrug*

The history-

Saw this in the 90's on the same "Saturday anime", dealie I first saw "Tenchi Muyo in love".

Told Hyla about it, he bought it, watched it 60 times, got sick of it, and gave me the tape.

Wow...I still have to repay that somehow.

Nothing fancy about getting the new one, heard about it on the net, got it.
It's fucking gorgeous though.
I hear some folks calling it a "remake", bullshit, it's a totally different story, it's a sequel if anything.
Both are self-contained, is all.

Only gripe,...the audio mix is off on the DVD, could be because I'm playing it on a shitty TV, but for me, it's one of those ones where the people talk too quietly, and you have to crank it, then explosions and shit start up, and it tears your ears off.

Your mileage may vary.


The film-

Maybe I oughtta do the sequels to this next year...
This, and Ghoulies.
And Leprechaun.
And Puppetmaster.
If I'd planned ahead sooner, I coulda worked a lot more in, but the day of the Jason post was when this all randomly popped into my head to do.

Back to the film, the best parts that stick out, the melty-heads transformations, and the Critter that sees the other one blow up, and goes "FUCK!", in subtitles.

Y'know, if Pac-Man were a biological lifeform, a thing molded and sculpted by the engines of DNA, he'd probaby have to look like a Critter/Crite.

I don't know what to do with that observation, so I simply pass it along.

The history-

This, I remember seeing with school friends.
Can't remember if it was a birthday, or a random sleepover, or what...


The film-

No, not the grouchy gimpy atheist doctor played by George from Blackadder.
You can imagine the bitch it is getting Google to cough up stuff on this thanks to him.

Another great horror comedy from back in the day.
This one I double feature with "Fright Night", every time for some reason.

Probably because they have similar tones, and looks, are from the same period, and HBO played them both to death, and I watched them every single time, never getting sick of them.

This was written by Ethan Wiley, who worked on the puppets in "Gremlins".

A lot of the films I dig have this "six degrees..", thing going on.

Forgot to mention, the stuntman who played Freddy set on fire in "Nightmare 1", was Stay Puft in "Ghostbusters".

Anyway, what I love about this one, is how the hero, Roger Cobb, doesn't take any shit, he starts making plans, and comes right fucking at the monsters.

And he's a veteran, and a writer, so that's two layers of badass.

Hmm, this is post-Nancy, and pre-Ash, yeah, he's proto-Ash.
No, Roger Cobb is more winning-er than Ash.
Ash causes the problems.
Ash's superpower is simply the Bruce Campbell charm/smarm.

The history-

Already said about HBO, right? Okay.

The Fly

The film-

The transporter goes bad!
Fear science!

The history-

My ability to see R rated films was pretty much in full swing at this point.

We rented this back in the day at this little shack of a video store in Gorham that's long since been torn down, and was where the expanded Hannaford parking lot is now.

This was before Nicely's came to town, see?
It was a pain in the ass to get tapes back then.
Geez...y'know...I think...we abandoned our HBO by then, cuz we were renting way more.

Oh, for those few of you who remember my long lost obliterated audio blogs, I do an impression of fully transformed Brundlefly *gurgle, gurgle*
That, and my Doctor Channard.

Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer

The film-

No fucking way, Ebert gave the thumbs up to this after pussing out like a bitch on "Clockwork Orange"?

Oh, right, because this shows Henry as a bad guy, and CO neglected to spoon-feed value judgments to the audience.

Not that Henry did, they just have different styles that achieve different effects.

That's always been Ebert's problem, he makes morality judgments about these films, when that's the last fucking thing in the world a critic should do.

That was his beef about the Freddys and Jasons back then too, was morality shit, but in that case, it was the whole "weehh, children will see it, they're targeting children!", routine.
So, you know he bought into that whole line of worthless jive.

Fuck off.
Fuckin' boomer liberals...

Didn't you stupid assholes learn anything from horror comics, and rock n' roll?

Anyway, great film...if your nerves can get through it.

The history-

Oh, man, I saw this in the 90's on scrambled Cinemax, and it was the infamous family home invasion scene, (mentioned here) and it Fucked. Me. Up.

And there was no one I could really talk to about it, and it twisted around in my mind forever.

I've very recently re-watched it, and that scene is still rough, but it didn't hit me anywhere near as bad as back then, and that totally diffused it.
Just like that. *finger snap*

Now, I just see it as a well made film.
Better than the Hannibals in its way, and you know I love those.

I recommend that for everybody, any time one of these films gets under your skin, give it a couple years, and take another crack at it.
That's always helped me.
Worked with "last house on the left", too.
Worked with how weirdly my folks acted about "raunchy Hulk".
Works with a lot of shit.

That's all it takes, not expensive fucking therapy, and this shit doesn't RUIN you, so all that liberal bed-wetting shit is noise.
Mental static.

That's why I don't buy into the whole "protect the children!", routine.
My life experiences have told me a whole different story, and they have ZILCH on their side for proof of their lame phony narrative.

Even when this stuff hurts you, it doesn't.
The cure is MORE exposure.

They're just movies, folks.
It's just music, folks.
It's just comics, folks.
And it's all fucking make-believe, folks.
Get ahold of your fucking selves.

No wonder they want the world geared towards children...THEY'RE children.
That's my conclusion.

The Monster Squad

The film-

You want one for kids? Here you go! *laughs*

They don't make kid movies like this anymore.
It's all dancing penguins, then they throw your preteen ass right into "Twilight".
Our culture is a fucking mess.

Anyway, this one?
Goonies with the Universal monsters.
If you like the one, you'll probably like the other, and vice versa.

Man, Dracula is a real motherfucker in this one.
"Give me the amulet, you BITCH!". it should be, he IS a motherfucker.

Filmmakers had so much more balls in these days, man.
Not just to add an edge to their flicks in the first place, but to fight for them against the nanny-Nazis, and the chickenshit suits.

Now we have a whole generation that doesn't know what it means to be a rebel.
They think Mark Zuckerberg is a rebel.
No, Mark Zuckerberg is a smirking little shit whole stole his so-called "invention".

Mark Zuckerberg would take a bat beating from a real rebel.

*Sigh* dammital....fuckin' world...

The history-

Um...yeah pretty damned sure HBO was gone at this point, cuz I think I rented this.
Might've had Steve over.

Can't remember special backstories, just know this, Goonies, and Gremlins were all on my love list.

Night Of The Demons

The film-

Um...basically, an Evil Dead 1 rehash with titties.

Linnea titties!!

Mmm, damn but Linnea has some nice titties....

Anyway, it's actually pretty good.
Ignore the sequels.

The history-

Saw it on scrambled Cinemax, fell in love.

I like the Meatloaf-ish credits song.
It was a good lullaby at midnight.
Titties, monster, then "doooowwn toooo the laaast maaan!", then, sleep.

Troll 2/ Best Worst Movie

The film/history-

Well, this is perfect, I just did an entry on this...

Best worst movie.


The film-

Really good.

But, like the Hellraisers, it's the artsy-fartsy-ness that makes it good cinema art.

Pluck out Candyman, and put him in a shlock film, it doesn't can be seen from the shit sequels.
Ignore them completely.

The history-

My school counselor actually recommended this to me.
This, and "the people under the stairs".

The Nightmare Before Christmas

The film-

Makes a good companion to "Mad Monster Party".

Indeed, that one heavily influenced Tim Burton to do this one.

Halloween needed a puppetoon special.
Rudolph, and Frosty, and Mickey Roony Santa owned the holidays for far too long.

The history-

I didn't see this one for a helluva while for some reason.

But, I remember, the first trip to Hyla's house, he had the figures lined up along his wall.

I put a mental post it note on the inside of my skull that very moment that said "well...this should be interesting...".

And, it was. Long strange trip. Heh.

Cemetary Man (AKA Delamorte Delamore)

The film-

Evil Dead meets existentialism.


I think this has the best looking incarnation of The Grim Reaper ever.

A close second is the one in "The Adventures Of The Baron Munchausen".

It's too weird to describe, you just have to see it.

The history-

Saw this on Showtime, taped it, showed it to the gang.
I gotta get the DVD of this.

Ed Wood

The film-

Re-pasted from here....

I think I can safely say, this is the best Tim Burton movie ever.
Gotta be up there with the best Johnny Depp movies too.
A masterpiece.
If there were nothing else, this film alone would single-handedly save the 90's.
It's just great.
Its history is a bit fuzzy, but it can be forgiven.
Think of it as an Ed Wood movie about Ed Wood.
Martin Landau was simply magnificent as Bela Lugosi.
Well, he won an Oscar for it, didn't he?
Well, anything I could possibly say about it has been said a million times.
This one will live forever.
I love it. I could watch it every day.

The history-

Dunno what grapevine he heard it from, as there was no proper internet then, but Hyla told me this was coming.

"Tim Burton doing Ed Wood....that's...genius!", I said.

And it delivered.
Holy shit.

..ohh, I wanna watch it now, and I already did last week....I just can't get sick of it.

American Psycho

The film-

Your next new Batman, America!!
*Laugh* who knew?

Review pasted from here...

Saw this only very recently.
A delightful little film.
How did I miss out on this?
80's yuppies being chopped to pieces by another 80's yuppie?
And hey, Hewie Lewis in the soundtrack!
Good as this is, the novel's better.
I was disturbed by it, and ain't that what you want from real horror?
Wussies pitched a fit over the book, so you know it's good.
Buy anything that gets angry reviews, and better still, pickets, and fatwas.
Especially pickets, and fatwas.
Go right out, and get it.

The history-

Was always faintly aware of it, saw clips of it in "Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments", finally saw it, dug it, and was told the novel was even better,, that novel, that gets under your skin more than ANY of the movies on any of these lists.

I own the film now.
Goes good as a contrast to "Henry".

Oh, and the film inspired this nifty little note perfect parody video.

This must be the place.

The song works on two levels, Patrick Batemen likes The Talking Heads, and this song was the credits song for "Wall Street", also about predatory yuppies.

And, can you believe there's a Patrick Bateman action figure?
Yep, there's a figure of everything.

Little items like that about our culture are what warm my heart.
How fucking subversive is that, huh?
Maybe rebels haven't died.

The Human Centipede

The film-

Re-pasted from here...
Loved it!
Okay, touched on it way back here.
Almost got scared away from it by Ebert's review here.
Posted the Tosh spoiler review here.
Finally worked up the nerve, saw it, was both spooked, and amused, and that, is good horror.
I own it now.
Dieter Laser is just excellent in this.
My favorite mad scientist on film thus far.
I hope he gets a lot more horror work.
The mad scientist is my favorite movie villain archetype, and there aren't enough of them period, but of those few, there aren't many good ones.
You gotta go back to Jeffrey Combs as Herbert West in the 80's, and even further back to Peter Cushing's Victor Frankenstein after that.
It's a pretty thin hall of fame...
Anyway, Tom Six has made me an instant fan of his work, and I anxiously await the Centipede sequel.
The history-

Learned about it all from internet buzz.

Can't believe the hubbub it caused.
I read on one board, a bunch of whiny people all like "eew, it's sick, it goes too far, I like my horror like this, and this, not like this..", like, a whole thread of this shit, and then this one kid chimes in with "I thought you people were all horror fans, what a bunch of fuckin' pussies!!".
*Happy sigh*
There is hope....:)

Aaaand, THERE, the end.

That's..if not all, a good damned chunk of my favorites.
Can't be many left.

I'll get 'em next year.

Up next, Sequel-itis, or, none of this is new....

Read More......

Friday, October 28, 2011

Honorable Mentions (part 1)

All right, so, that's the general overview of the franchise horror series, where they've been, where they went, how bad they got, and the antidote.

Far from complete list, but that all lays down a nice bed of lettuce for me to stack on more bits and bobs in future Halloween lead-up months.

So, with all the major ones out of the way, and with three days left 'til Halloween (Sil-ver Shamrock!) time to bust free of franchises, and just be more free, and breezier, and just plain list horror/Halloweeny movies I've liked/loved over the years.

These are organized (roughly) by year, and fluctuate wildly in tone, but they all relate to the season in one way or another.

Well, to quote a friend " . . . it's like the contents of your trick or treat bag! You got your mini-Snickers, your Reeses, your candy corn (yerk), your Bottle Caps . . . your apple with razor blades in it . . .  It's all good".

Indeed. *nods*

So, let's dig into the bag, and begin...

Mad Monster Party

The film-

Rankin & Bass's one and only (as far as I know) full length feature featuring their "puppetoon", process.
The plot involves, well, pretty much what the title says.
A monster mash of all the classic monsters, which up 'til then was pretty much everyone from the Universal pictures.
Also...Phyllis Diller. Huh.
All right then...

The biggest star of course, is Boris Karloff as Dr. Frankenstein, with his puppet as a dead on likeness.

And Gale Garnett is Francesca, and sings a couple ditties, and she's got a good little set of pipes on her.
Oh, why be glib? Her voice is rich and creamy, and floats you around like like a cartoon character smelling delicious food.
Do any of the MTV pop princesses sing like that today?
Could they, if given the material?

Be fun to see an update of this with Freddy n' the gang in the pantheon.
Or, not, I dunno.
Can any humans left even do stop-motion anymore?

I dunno why this ain't a bigger classic than it is, but, at least basic cable still plays it around this time of year.


Basic cable keeps this alive, and this is where I've seen it, oh...since I was 10...that I can remember.

I really need to own this.
Man, I need to win the Powerball to buy all the movies I desire.

A Clockwork Orange

The film-

Told you these would fluctuate, didn't I? :)

You've got a Dystopian future, a rapist anti-hero, and a throbbing synth-Beethoven score by a tranny, what's not to love with this one, eh?

By my reckoning, the perfect movie.

Can you believe, it actually offends some people?
*Shakes head*
(Et tu, Ebert, et tu? Tch, sissababy)

The history-

I bought an old 70's MAD magazine at Shady Dave's (man I miss that place), and it had a Clockwork Orange parody (A Crockwork Lemon) and my jaw dropped. Even through the haze of parody, I was like "what fucked up movie is THIS, and why have I never heard of it???".

Years later, Saturday Matinee, a CD and VHS place that used to be in the mall, had it, and I bought it, and it was better than I dreamed.

Ever since seeing it, I keep spotting cultural references to it.

Simpsons writers really seem to be big fans.
What with imitating the eyes pried open aversion therapy scene with Santa's Little Helper, and having Bart dressed as Alex for one of the Halloween episodes.
That's kinda messed up.
And of course, there are a gang of Droogs in the Tenacious D movie, and another in "Batman And Robin".

Anyway, I exposed my cousin to this flick when he was the same age I was when I saw that MAD parody..and...I think he's all right.
*Eyes dart back and forth guiltily*

Last House On The Left
The film-

Man, did Wes Craven ever explode onto the scene with this one eh?

So, basically, two dumb teenage girls go out to see some rock concert, try to score some dope from some sleazebags, and end up kidnapped, raped, and murdered.
Rather realistically, in a gritty 70's home movie style.
(Similar to how Chainsaw 1 was shot)

The rest of the film revolves around the parents finding out, and taking bloody revenge.

This one, like so many other great old horror flicks, has been remade.
And, like so many other shitty remakes, I won't touch it with a ten foot pole.
Fuck these heartless, ballless, indolent corporate goons.

The history-

My Ma told me about this in my teens, and how fucked up it was, and how it gave her nightmares when she saw it at roughly my age.

HAD to see it after that!

So, yeah, one time, me, Hyla, and Spencer were on a rare excursion together into in-town Portland, at this place called "Video-Port", hmm, wonder if that place exists anymore, anyway, I think the mission was to find "Clerks", because Nicely's didn't seem to have it, and Spencer wanted to see it, and then we saw all these other wonderful treasures that caught our eyes, but finally, we settled on "Clerks", and "last house on the left".
Might have even been by my recommendation, I dunno.

I think the final tally was, I dug Clerks, was fucked up by Last House, Spencer kept up an impenetrable air of ennui, and I can't remember what Hyla thought.
Geez, did he even see it?
I think I had to take it back before he even saw it or something.

So, yeah, that was in the 90's, I've seen it again recently, and I guess I've been desensitized by even sicker films, or something,, everything that's not the infamous murder scenes...are fucking GOOFY!!!

The music is goofy, the bumbling cops are something right out of fucking Keystone Cops, there's a goofy frigging scene with a black lady with a truck full of chickens that goes on way too long, the parents are all over the top "Leave It To Beaver"-y at the beginning, silliness everywhere.
And the killers act goofy.
Up until they murder, they're almost comic relief!
They even have a goofy theme song with their fucking NAMES in it that plays on their car radio!
Dumb, dumb, DUMB.

...and then the murders happen, and it's a snuff flick..and then, back to goofy...

Wes was smoking something fancy back in them days, had to have been.

The boomers, they were an interesting generation before they became the fucking establishment.

Films like this remind me of it more than any hippie flower power shit.



The film

Well, you all know this one, right?
Or, you know of it.

"Squeal like a pig!".

What was up with movies of the 70's, and rape, anyway?

Anyway, most people can reference the Ned Beatty rape scene, but...they also couldn't tell you what happens after, which tells me hardly anyone's actually sat down, and watched the fucking thing, which pisses me the fuck off.

How dare you pop-culture reference something you don't know first hand?

I've seen every fucking quotable movie at least once, if not twice.
Every goddamned one.
I put the work in.
If I can do it, you can.
Yes, life has homework.
If you people are gonna carry the banner of our culture, you'd better at least know it.

Watch this damned thing, dammit, it's a good film.
It's way more than the "squeal like a pig!", movie.
Scary thriller above everything else.
One of those stories you could easily see happening to someone.
"Misery", has that quality.

The history-

Eh, no special history with it, only seen it a handful of times, but have always dug it.

The Exorcist

The film-

You all know this one too, right?

Spinning head, pea soup vomit, you know the drill.

Pretty fucking scary.

I like what John Landis said once (I paraphrase) "it says that Priests, when they're not out raping boys, are the only force between us and pure evil, and for two hours, it gets you to totally buy it!".

The history-

Rented it one summer in the late 80's, early 90's, and when Regan starts screaming shit about cocksucking, Ma had me shut the window so the neighbors wouldn't hear.

Oh, come on, Ma, the neighbors are pervs with filthier potty mouths than that.
I wish I'd said that.
Ah, well.

Dawn Of The Dead

The film-

The Star Wars of zombie films, and indeed, of horror.

The grandaddy of this whole "survival horror", genre, as you kiddies call it nowadays.

Still holds up, it's a fucking epic.

And, screw the remake.

The history-

Another one I saw first with the fellers.
Good times.

I own it now, damn, craving another viewing already.
By the time I'm done with this whole damned thing, I'll be too tired.

The Shining

The film-

Well, basic cable plays this to death, and not just on Halloween, so...not much to say about this.

Oh, right, this is one of Stephen King's least favorite flicks based on his work.

Well, you're just objectively wrong, Stevie, because I say so, so there.
The proof?
Your miniseries version you had total control of was weak sauce.

Kubrick's is immortal, it'll outlive our whole species.

The history-

Same as the rest of you.
Cable, tapes, and some of you have read the book.

Oh, here's another observation, the book shows us bits of the book Jack is actually writing before it disintegrates into the whole "all work and no play..", deal.

And it's fucking awful.
Jack is a hack.

I've noticed this, every time there's a character in the King-verse that's a writer, the thing they're writing is a fucking turd.
And we can't skim by it, it can't be casually mentioned, or outlined, he crams it right down your guts.
Whole punishing chunks of these horrible fake books.
Fuckin' King...*groan*

I like you buddy, I'm just sayin...

Oh, yeah, wait, stop, rewind....

When this came out, I was about as little as the kid in this, and the ad campaign had like, Danny riding around on the Power Wheels, and the twins girls I think, and ended with the poster above with the weird face.
And that weird face had nothing to do with the flick, but I didn't know.
Oh, yeah, and that weird trumpet honking when things in the film were about to get scary and/or weird, that was all through the ad.

That trumpet honking, and the weird face alone gave me the goosebumps.

And then, that poster art was on the movie re-issue of the novel, and the novel was being sold at the checkout counter of the grocery store, and re-creeped me out every time we got groceries.

Ma consoled me with some bullshit about "it's a movie about a bad little boy, and the bad boy is blowing the trumpet".
I guess the weird face was the bad boy too.

Y'know, that'd be funny as shit to see now, a deformed kid who rides around blowing a trumpet, and that's the whole fuckin' movie.
Every now and then, he gets spanked, and he cries, and we're like "yeah!! That'll show him to blow a trumpet!!",
But then he's just bad again.

Wait...come to think of it..that's the whole fucking "Fudge", series by Judy Blume.
Except without the trumpet.
I think there was a drum though....

So, yeah, Ma calmed me down by essentially making up an elaborate lie that "The Shining", was Fudge with a trumpet.

Fudge with a trumpet being chased by Nicholson with an axe would fuckin' rock.

Fuck movies, this has to be a series!
Shit, this culture has coarsened enough to watch shows like "Breaking Bad", and "The Walking Dead", why the hell not?

Or, hell, make it a "very special episode", of "it's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
Devito would do it.
Devito is up for anything, but chasing Fudge with an axe, he'd be all over that shit.

Okay, I have to force myself to stop now, there's a lot more of these to get through....

An American Werewolf In London

The film-

Another great required classic.
Go see it.
Or, Torrent it, I really don't care how it gets to your eyeballs, frankly.

The history-

I remember all the review/preview shows spoiling the everliving fuck out of the transformation scenes.
That, and Griffin Dunne's zombie makeup.

Jesus, let me see the fuckin' thing and be surprised, wouldja?

Well, nowadays, it's even worse, trailers now tell you the whole fucking story of a film practically.

The "Last House On The Left", remake trailer pretty much gave away the rape, the revenge, the whole guts of what it was all about.

What the fuck do people even go to movies for anymore?
"Oh, I'd like to see that particular scenario play all the way out while I told my pee!".

Well...people don't go to movies...they're really seeing a 6 month ahead of time preview of what Redbox will have.


Anyway, to end this one on an even gloomier note, I mourn the John Landis career that could have been if not for the stupid fuckin' "Twilight Zone", accident.


The film-

What a great fuckin' decade the 80's were for film, I mean, just year after year of these flat out classics that just warm the cockles of your heart.

Anyway, yeah, King, Romero, anthology, great lines "I want my cake",  "just tell him to call me Billie!", "meteor shit!".

Love it, love it, love it.

That's it, tomorrow, "Return of the Living Dead", "Dawn of the Dead", "Creepshow", first thing I wake up, the DVDs go in.

Oh, shit...can't gobble up too much of the day, I got another one of these to do...ah, there'll be time...

The history-

This is another one along with the first "Nightmare", that the whole universe conspired to stop me from seeing it.

Steve (he of many an anecdote now) described this one to me in excruciating detail.
I demanded it.
Thankfully, he remembered it in excruciating detail.
And he loved to gab.
Thanks to his initial outline, and my exhaustive questioning, I got every detail of this film into my mind over the course of about three weeks.
It was the foundation of our friendship.

Quite disturbing later that the kid who saw Creepshow a million times was busted up by Freddy,, Jason got to me with part 4, so....

Oh, yeah, and his mom had the graphic novel, and one time during a sleepover at his place, I had the bright idea of getting the flick to my eyeballs in that form, was packed away in a box somewhere, and we never found it.

I finally rented it at Nicely's in the early 90's.

Finally read the graphic novel at the high school library.

Geez, you'd think it was the most evil poisonous movie ever or something.
It's just FUN.
It fits me like a glove!
...well, maybe that's why.
The dummies back then with their dopey brainwashing theories of education seemed to think weird was a sickness that needed curing, and they probably thought it was trouble to encourage me with shit like that.
And they had my parents sold on it.
Or, at least, going along.
They really intruded in your life.
Hypocritcal bastards.

Oh, well, I like to think life punished those awful people so I don't have to....

So yeah, the DVD of this is a golden prize in my file cabinet.
It doesn't get loaned.
It doesn't leave my sight.
Harm it, you die.
Just the way it is.
Way it has to be.
You understand, don't you?

Swamp Thing

The film-

Wes Craven's film just before "Nightmare".

It's a good 'un.

Adrienne Barbeau is back in action right after "Creepshow".

This, Creepshow, Escape From New York, she was the sci-fi/horror queen for awhile.

Yep, she was the Milla Jovovich of her day.

And in between, it was Geena Davis.
Tch, I really miss her.

(Muzak version of "to all the girls I've loved before", plays in background)

Stop that!

Interesting story, Wes Craven was watching this with his preteen/teen daughter, and Adrienne Barbeau has that hackneyed scene in every horror movie where she trips and falls, and his daughter spoke right up, and says "dad, why do women always fall in these movies? We're not that clumsy and stupid".

Wes really took that to heart, and made Nancy in "Nightmare", the opposite of every scream queen that had come before, and made her a hero.

It was a feminist statement, y'know?

Fast forward to 2010, and the shitty remake, and guess what happens to Nancy?
Yeah, not just falling, but bimbo falling.
The whole "eew, yucky, it's Freddy, I'd better walk backwards, oof! I'm on my bum now, now instead of getting up, I'll walk on my cheeks", routine.

And that's another reason I despise that "film".
A deliberate slap in the face to the fans that really understand the original.
Way to make your money.
You proud of yourselves?
Prouda whacha did?

Anyway, yeah, Swamp, aside from that one fall, Adrienne was pretty cool.
She was an even tougher customer in "Escape From New York", though.

The history-

Oddly, this I was allowed to watch!

Guess the leash was loosening finally.

Course, it immediately launched me into the comic books, and then, around that same period is when Alan Moore took over, and that had a MUCH more powerful and profound effect on me than a whole stack of Creepshows would have had on me.
(I tell that story here)

You lose!


The film-

I think this is neck and neck with "The Shining", for being played to death on TV.
I think even fetuses have seen this somehow.
I think it's been released on DNA.
You're born knowing this movie now.

The history-

III think I saw this in HBO back then...I mighta puked at the crawling steak with maggots scene, and while I was puking, I missed the melting face in the mirror scene, which is just as well.

I've seen it since, of course.
Good flick.
Holds up.

Yes, I can be a militant non-believer, and like movies like this.
I think of them like thought experiments.
"What would the world be like if this bullshit were real?".
Turns out, really fucked up, and if it were happening all the time, everywhere, the universe would have an "out of order", sign on it.

The Thing

The film-


And yet, another one being prequel-ed/remade.

Leave these films ALOO-HO-HO-OOOONE!

The history-

I was 7, I was out in the kitchen, this was on HBO, I devoured a whole cookie sheet of pizza rolls, I looked out in the living room, saw the dog scene, and barfed everything up into the trash.


Years later, I saw it over Steve's House.

I made a lot of bad Wilfred Brimley oatmeal jokes.
He pimped oatmeal before "diabeetus", see....

The Hunger

The film-

Best fuckin' vampire movie ever.

Wild, that Whitley Strieber wrote this shortly before going off his fucking rocker with the UFO bullshit, and inventing the anal probe.

Yes, kiddies, that's where that started in UFO mythology.

Hmm, Catherine Deneuve's vampire character is an ancient Egyptian, and this came out 2 years before "The Vampire Lestat".
So, Anne Rice didn't even come up with the Egyptian thing.
She invented nothing.

The history-

I finally saw this just recently for this review.
Thanks for the recommendation, Alexandra.

Okay, I finally get it now, this is why guys were so hot to trot for Susan Sarandon.
She was in this.

See, I've only ever known her for her shrill political activism.

Noooow I get it.


Hot lesbian macking in this guys, over here!!
This one!!

Man...lesbian titty rubbing in an R movie in the 80's, this must have been a fucking revolution!

As suppressed as "Creepshow", and stuff was when I was growing up, I didn't even know this existed until my 20's, and even then, it's not something likely to jump out at you on a video shelf, sure as hell basic cable ain't gonna play it.
You can't censor the thing without gutting it.

To this day, it's a tough one to smuggle through.
You gotta go right to the video.
And you gotta be told about it, so you gotta know someone.

And it's weird its like that, cuz there's not a goddamned thing "offensive", about it.

13 and up, I'd let see it today.
But, I'm pretty radical.


The film-

More have seen this than "Poltergiest".

You're conceived knowing this one.

The history-

I could do 20 pages or more on my history with this film.

My love of this film has been a long wild ride.

I'll try to summarize it...

Saw it in the theater.
Was finally seeing good damned non-kiddie movies in the theater at last.

Then...non stop...HBO...the cartoon...the figures....the firehouse, the whole thing...

Got the flicks on DVD...need that big firehouse box with the whole animated series inside.

Yep, Ghostbusters has been there for me side by side with Freddy.

Been a helluva journey.

And...same non-believer stuff I said about "Poltergeist".
'Cept in this case, the results are awesome and funny.

Still hoping against all hope for part 3.

Gremlins (and 2)

The films-

Yeah, these are a matching set now.

Well, this one's easy, I'll just paste my review from here...

It starts off as a christmas-y movie, like something Capra might've shot, then it morphs into a monster movie complete with splattery blender and microwave oven kills.
...and they marketed this flick at KIDS.
There was plush toys, color books, a cereal, trading cards, candy...
I really don't think the marketing people genuinely understood what had hit them.
I dunno, maybe there were some boomers with some yippie subversiveness still left in them, and they were still kicking up silt in the man's machine.
It was this weird little period of rebellion for awhile.
I liked it a lot.
Shit, Speilberg was in on this as an executive producer, he knew what was going on.
What happened to THAT Speilberg??!?!
Now he turns guns into walkie talkies.
Man, what 20 years does.... 

Gremlins 2...flat out parody.
And yet, it fits.
It's really what the first one was doing cranked up to eleven.

The history-

Oh, man, I've got a weird story for this one I've NEVER told anyone.

The first teaser trailer for this was ambiguous as hell, and I had a dream about it,'s a trailer for a whole other movie.

It's called "Gremlins: The Skulls of Astaroth", and somehow, there's these skull necklaces, and the skulls are reddish orange, and waxy, and greasy, and alive, and they have evil magic inside that makes them alive, and somehow, I just know all this, and the scene in the "trailer", is these two kids wearing the necklaces, and the skulls are pulling towards each other by some magnetic sort of force, and the kids are fighting against it, and the skulls touch, and animate, and start to french each other, and as they do, goo starts oozing off them, and the necklaces get hot, and start burning the kids, with smoke coming off, and they start screaming, and bawling.

All of this within seconds, and a deep creepy narrator voice saying the title "Gremlins...The Skulls of Astaroth!".

I woke up thinking that was the real flick for a few split seconds.
I woulda watched that.
Even then, I kinda wanted to see it.
Sadly, the dream never came back.

Anyhoo, saw the real Gremlins film at the theater, and had to run to the bathroom to honk after the microwave scene.

I had a real weak stomach back then.
Now, I laugh off "Salo".
How far I've come.

Ahh, phew, so, that's part one, tomorrow, part 2.

I'll take us right up to the 10's.

Read More......

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Uncle Robert saves the day!!

So, yeah, the Hollywood machine forgot how to do horror, and a decade later, it still hasn't really come back, (best they can manage, is to do witless remakes of what worked in the 80's)  but y'know, fuck 'em, because indie horror is where it's at.

If you loved the 80's stuff, in the indie scene, it's like it never ended.
Course, the good Hollywood shit was born out of indie in the first place.

Anyway, the elder statesman of this scene, our good ol' Uncle Robert.

Robert "Freddy", Englund.

He's our generation's Bela Lugosi, our Boris Karloff.
I don't want him to end up like Lugosi, even if it's an outside chance, so I buy all his latest flicks on DVD.
And, I'm passing the catalog of his filmic canon on to you good folks so you can do the same.

Plus, it's damned good entertainment.
He's on a golden streak so far picking these.

And, if you think I'm encyclopedic and jabber-jaws about these flicks, you should get an earful of Robert!

Which is why getting these films on DVD is a must, the commentaries are a fuckin' hoot.

Starting with yes, "Freddy vs Jason".

Anyhoo, here we THIS is a Halloween bag of treats!

Okay, first, we have to jump back to the 80's for a bit for...


The film-

Directed by, not starring Robert.

Yeah, it's a bit craptastic, and slow in spots, but...I just can't help but love it.

The 80's just oozes off it, and we're reunited with the kid who played "Evil", in "Fright Night", and the butchy kickboxer chick in "Freddy's Dead", and it's like a class reunion, I just smile.

Oh, and Bob Picardo is the devil.
How can you pass that up, huh?
Come on.

The history-

I saw this just recently finally, and...well, see above.

Still in the 80's, we jump to...

The Phantom Of The Opera

The film-

Eh, it's okay.
I hear it's one of the most faithful to the novel adaptations so far.

Even though they add the wrinkle of bookending it in modern times, and they gore up the murders for the Fango kiddies.

Speaking of the modern times bookend, guess who's a secretary in this?
Molly Shannon! (Superstar!)
Like, almost a decade before she got on SNL!
I almost shit!

This came out the exact same time as the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, and got crushed by it.

Some have complained the music in the Englund version is cheesey..but...that makes it more authentic to me.
Music of that real period would be cornball as shit. (it wouldn't sound like Webber, I can assure you of that).
And that makes me kinda dig it.
Although, there is actually a small cult following for the soundtrack to this.

How's Robert in it?
Fuckin' great.
It's the one film so far he got to do classy gothic horror, and truly be like a Lugosi, or a Chaney.
Although, the Chaney one is still a tough one to beat...

So, we leave the 80's, and jump up to the 90's with...

Tobe Hooper's Night Terrors.

The film-

Oh...this one...this one I won't lie, is just fucking horrible.

Still oddly entertaining, but I'll get to why...

Okay, this is the background story on this one (from Robert's autobiography) as best as I can recall on the spot.

Robert signed up for this, because some bigshot Italian director, who's work on something else he'd liked was doing this, and, there was no forewarning what a piece of shit it would be, but it was, and the writers quit, and the director quit, and a whole bunch of people quit, and Robert was friends with Toby Hooper from "Freddy's Nightmares", and he kinda pleaded with him on the phone to swoop in, and rescue this thing, and Toby finished it as best he could, and hammered it into a shape as best as he could, and slapped his name on it to try to sell it on his reputation...or maybe the film company did it, and Toby wanted to be "Alan Smithee", I can't remember.

Anyway, the result is a shlockfest.

There's a really good Youtube breakdown of it here (part 1, part 2)

BUT all of that said (by me, and her) Robert is still a hoot in it.
If you ever get your hands on it, fast forward to the Robert as DeSade parts.
That's all you need, the rest is snouts and assholes.

Best line, in this, or indeed any movie "acts of...FUCKERY..please all!".

I dunno, he says it just right, and it gives me a childish giggle.

Anyway, Robert is such a great guy, he refuses to badmouth this, or any movie he's ever been in, he accentuates the positive in all of 'em.

So, I'll do the trashing for him. ;)

After you see this, go back to 976-EVIL, it looks like Davinci in comparison.

The history-

Saw it on Showtime I think.
Pretty sure I did.
We had free Showtime once, and the cable company forgot to shut it off for like, a year, and then they remembered to start charging us, and we got used to it, and kept it for a couple more years.
Boring story, but, meh.

Okay, now we get to the 00's/10's and the Robert renaissance period.
His post FvsJ work.

2001 Maniacs.

The film-

If you're a gore-hound with an Evil Dead 2, Chainsaw 2 sense of humor, you should enjoy this splatstick fest.

It's a remake of the first true gore film from the 60's "2000 Maniacs".
Wow, a remake that doesn't suck!
Take notes, Hollywood hacks!

Lin Shaye is in it in an extended role, rather than her usual cameo, so that's a "Nightmare", family reunion.
Also, Kane Hodder cameos, so we get "Freddy", face to face with the "real", Jason for a sec.

And the commentary is gold.
The DVD is busting with extras.
This was made by people who gave a shit.

The history-

Buy it, bitches.

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon

The film-


This is the post-modern take "Scream", should have been.

Through the eyes of the killer, and in the style of stuff like "The Zombie Survival Guide".

First chunk, Leslie talks to the camera documentary style about all the horror movie conventions, and how he makes all his preparations, second chunk, we see it play out in conventional horror style...but with some twists.

Robert Englund plays the Doctor Loomis from "Halloween", archetype, Leslie's "Ahab".
He's not in it much, but he's good.

Watch it multiple times, and you get more of the in-jokes, and spot more of the Easter-eggs in the set design.

There's some blatant crossing over with the "Nightmare", "Friday", and "Halloween", universes, so you could canonize this one if you want.

Sadly, Robert's not in the commentary.

The only point I'd take off on this.

The history-

Ditto "2001 Maniacs".

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

The film-

A loving tribute to 80's horror, especially the Evil Deads.

All done with appliances, puppets, and Karo blood, and cornstarch slime.
The old ways.
There's one little gobbet of CG, and it was just a paintbox correction of a minor mistake.

Other than that, full-on 80's tech.

The monster at the end even sorta reminds me of the turd monster from "Weird Science".

Oh, it's goofy, don't expect cinema art, it is what it is, just playfulness.
Big kids playing with fancier toys.
Get in the proper spirit, and enjoy.

Again, sadly, no Robert in the commentary.
But, like "2001 Maniacs", made by people who gave a shit.
You'll actually like the fellas who made this when the bonuses are done.
You can't say that about some flicks.

The history-

Ditto the last two.

Zombie Strippers

The film-

Wow....between the title, and the trailer...I was really skeptical, I even said so here a few months ago...well, okay, a year ago, but I bought it just like, a month after that post.

Anyway, it was a surprise, it's really fucking good!!

It's really funny, FUNNY funny, not Ed Wood funny.

It's a really slick production in a good way.
I dunno what the budget is on this, but they made it look like a billion bucks.
And damn, Jenna Jameson can ACT!!

And yes, there is stripping, both regular, and zombie.
If you loved Linnea Quigley's nudie scenes in "Return Of The Living Dead", this is your fuckin' movie right here.
Linnea's boobie-boogie by a factor of ten!

This one, opposite philosophy to "Jack Brooks", the zombie head splats are all CG...and they look good!
 It looks to be the same software that the shitty SyFy Channel movies use...but in the hands of someone who knows what the fuck he was doing!

Once again, made by people who give a shit.

And hooray, finally, Robert is in the commentary again!
He's a fucking riot in the flick, too.

Another one busting with extras.

The history-

Ditto the last three.


The film-

Haven't seen it yet, but based on the lucky streak so far, I'm lined right up for it.

A serious horror for a change.

About  a demon (Englund) who's been a serial killer in famous unsolved murders throughout history, including Jack The Ripper, and The Black Dalia.
He turns himself in to the police, confesses to all these crimes, and taunts the cops, and then..I dunno..gotta see it.


It comes out...TOMORROW!
(October 28th, 2011 for you people from the future reading this)

The MoleMan Of Belmont Avenue

The film-

Come ON, fucking RELEASE it already!!

They keep taking it around to indie cinemas, and film festivals, and it's been like, a couple YEARS!

Put it out on DVD!!!

It's won awards, it's good already, show it to us!!
(Whines) eeehh-heh-heehh!!

Anyway, here, the trailer.

Poor Robert, he's slowing down.
In Jack Brooks, he said it was the last time he could probably do physical comedy before he was too frail, and you notice here, he's just sitting there sipping a martini.
Oh, well, he's earned it. know, that he was one year younger than me when he was in the first "Nightmare"? he's in his 60's...if that don't give ya a shot of psychic whiskey-face...

The history-

Said it all up there.

Call Of Duty: Black Ops: Call Of The Dead

The game-

Haven't played it, can't play it, ain't got the system, but I'd have it in a heartbeat if I did.

Robert Englund, Sarah Michelle Geller, Danny Trejo, George Romero, Michael Rooker, all in a zombie game?

How can you beat that?

Well, here, have an interview.

The history-


Strippers vs. Werewolves

The film-


Ahhh...heh heh..*wipes eyes*.

I'm there, you had me at "strippers".

And no, this doesn't look like it's a sequel to "Zombie Strippers", it's a whole entity unto itself.

But, I'm there.
You hooked me.

The history-


So, there, I think those will more than make up for the crap in the last two entries, and these in themselves would make for a blast of a Halloween marathon.

Geez, I gotta fire up a couple of 'em tonight.

Up next, honorable mentions.

Read More......

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