Thursday, October 25, 2012

Beelzebub-blowout! (Part 2)

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeeee!!!
For meeeee!!!
For meeeee!!!

Ahem, anyway...

So, the Devil isn't always popping up in person.
According to movies, his favorite trick, is to hop into the body of a chick, make her all ugly, and puke all over herself, and hang around just long enough to physically exhaust, and psychologically unravel, everyone in the immediate vicinity.
Basically, re-create Lindsay Lohan wherever he can.

Then, he takes off for a couple years, and does it all over again.

Why do this?
What logical sense does it make?
What's the point?
What's the payout?

Well, the Dark Lord moves in mysterious ways....

Anyway, here's all the times that happened.

...besides Exorcist.

Abby (1974)

The film-

See "Blaxploitation Horror", here.

So, this one came right out one year after "The Exorcist".

And hey, dig it, Blackula is the exorcist in this one!

And, the fact that this must have inspired the "Stinkmeaner Strikes Back", episode of  "The Boondocks".

So...there's that.

The history-

Um, does researching the hell out of Blaxploitation in January count?

The Devil Within Her (1975)

The film-

A.K.A. "I don't Want To Be born".

With Joan Collins, and Donald Pleasance.

It's "Exorcist", meets "Rosemary's Baby", wrapped in the plot of Freddy 5, and, a dwarf is involved.
Because, not only do short people have no reason to live, they're satanic.
Ah, 70's, you were so progressive, and enlightened, and not at all superstitious.

The history-

Does face-palming through the plot description at Wikipedia count?

Beyond The Door (1976)

The film-

Pretty much "Exorcist", all over again, but with Hayley Mills's sister.

I wonder how many people looking for "Behind The Green Door", accidentally stumbled into this turkey...

The history-


Amityville II: The Possession (1982)

The film-

Another one of these fuckin' things....

An alleged prequel to the events of Amityville, which were already a bullshit story.

So, a teenage kid gets possessed, and the demon makes him kill his family with a hunting rifle.

It ends exactly the same as "Exorcist", with the demon getting lured into a priest at the end.

Paulie, from the Rocky series is the dad.

This was followed by "Amityville 3-D", and, then some other ones.
I'm not going to look them up, and neither should you.

The history-

AMC, I think.
They've got great shows, but man...their definition of "American Movie Classic", has slipped a few notches.

The Demon Murder Case (1983)

The film-


Based on a real life case.
I'll get into that in the history section.

Kevin Bacon is the demon murderer, Eddie Albert (from "Green Acres") is the exorcist, and Andy Griffith is the lawyer.

Ah, but a special kind of evil propaganda schlock, see below...

The history-

So, here's the real life story.
Some asshole stabbed his landlord to death.
Open and shut.
The end.

But, some douchebag headline seeking "demon-ologists", latched on, and convinced the culprit, and his parents, to swear that he was possessed by the Devil, and to actually use this as a fucking legal defense.

Part of the bullshit story, for some reason, involved the little brother being possessed first, and then the demon hopping into the guy, and making him murder.
I dunno, were they working some "I was selflessly saving my little brother from evil, I'm actually a hero", angle?
Who the fuck knows?
This bullshit's bug-fuck crazy.

The judge threw this bullshit straight out without even blinking.
Good for him.

But, somehow, this grabbed headlines, enough they made this fucking TV movie out of it.

So, here's my real life story with this shitty flick.

So, I was 8 years old, I saw this thing, I bought into the whole "true story", bit, and, it scared the everliving fuck out of me.

It was on and off TV in a shot, and vanished into the ether.
Never been able to find it on home video, or even learn the title.

All I can fucking remember, is the weird voice on the possessed kid, and him blowing raspberries, and saying "there are 42 of us! We are 42!".

That, and that before he was possessed, the kid described the demon as looking like a man, burned black from head to toe, wearing a plaid shirt, and torn jeans, and with sunken eyes, and cloven hooves for feet.

I had a fucking nightmare about that thing!
Holy shit!

So, that drilled into my head, and stuck there for 29 fucking years....

Well, over the years, I've torn the internet apart looking for this fucking thing.
Brillo-ed the planet with every search tool known to mankind.
Even up until now, Wikipedia ain't got it, it's on no one's "top 20 possession films", lists, no one even remembers this fucking thing.
But, dammit, I insisted I saw this thing, I didn't dream it.

Well, today, yes, today, I got lucky.
I just typed in "made for TV boy gets possessed", at Google, as one last ditch attempt before doing this one tonight.

Landed on a message board where people ask questions, and a guy was looking for the exact same thing.

And someone KNEW!
"The Demon Murder Case".
I highlighted, and Googled, and got everything on it!

Even a blog about it, on a blog specifically for movies that traumatized people my age as kids!

And then, I found it!
The clip of the whole raspberry speech thing!

Oh, holy shit, there it is!
No more getting stupid looks from people when I describe this fucking thing!
I've had it confirmed! it's STUPID!

The only way that shit is scary, is if you hold any stock in it.
And, that makes me even more dedicated to going after spiritualist bunko with a passion.

Anyway, the real life kid from that case is all grown up, and flat out says it's all bullshit, and that he was coached to say all that possession shit on the stand by those fucking mediums.

Jayzus, a fucking MURDER, they tried to get a MURDERER off for the sake of their psychic bullshit, and fame.
And a little bit of money.
A piddly-shit little bit of money.
And, they fucked up a kid in the process.
And, fucked up a generation of kids with that fucking movie.

Now, I gotta hear these awful psychics of today with their "eew, I hewp peopwe, I hewp peapwe!".
Fuuuuck yooouuu.

Anyway, I'm happy as a pig in shit having found all this info, and being able to blast out this rant.

Repossessed (1990)

The film-

The parody of "The Exorcist", starring Linda Blair.

It was an exorcism for her of that fucking movie, and it ought to have been an exorcism for us of any more of these.

But noooo.....
The kind of assholes who instigated the events of "The Demon Murder Case", work in Hollywood, so....

The history-

Hey, it had Leslie Nielsen, and he'd just hit it out of the park with "Naked Gun 2 ½", how were we to know?

Stigmata (1999)

The film-

Ho, the Exorcism genre actually had the decency to lie fallow for almost 10 years...I'll give it that...

Um, Jack Donner's in it, it's got that....

The history-


The Exorcism Of Emily Rose (2005)

The film-

So, we were 6 years without another one of these, so, I thought we were good.
6-10 years apart, I could have lived with that...little did I know...

The history-


Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers (2006)

The film-

Seriously, what the physical fuck?
I mean, just one year after Emily Rose, and it's even got a chick's name title.

The history-

And then, the exploiters of credulity counted their money, and the doors flew the fuck open, and...

The Last Exorcism (2010)

The film-

The title? An outright shameless lie.

The history-


The Rite (2011)

The film-'s got Anthony Hopkins...
Y'know what?
I'll watch "Lambs".
Or, "Thor".
Anything but this.

"Road To Wellville", that's always been underrated.
Yeah, there's one to watch.

The history-


Devil Inside (2012)

The film-

So, shit, starting at 2010, we were up to one a year now.

Is that poster supposed to be scary?
It's just very mildly icky.

That title just makes me think of the INXS song.
I betcha good money that it's not in the fucking soundtrack.

The history-


The Possession (2012)

The film-

Two a year?!?!?!


The history-


Okay, now, for ones that aren't exactly outright Exorcist knockoffs, but kind of straddle the line....

Burnt Offerings (1977)

The film-

Kind of "Psycho", meets "The Shining".

A family goes to a creepy house, but, the mother, instead of the father, gets possessed by the house, and goes apeshit.

Everyone fucking dies.

The history-

So, like "The Demon Murder Case", this is another one I have a long history with, and lucked into today.

I saw this the first time I went down to Disneyworld when I was six.
My folks watched this fuckin' thing in the hotel room.
All I can remember, was Oliver Reed getting tossed out the window, and landing face first on the windshield of his car, all cut up and blood right in front of his kid.

Yeah, that fucked me up pretty good.

And, like "The Demon Murder Case", I could never lock onto this thing, I didn't even know it was Oliver Reed, but, looking up possession movies for this thing, not even looking for this one, I freakishly stumbled onto it.

So, YAY! I finally know!
"Burnt Offereings!".

"Burnt Offerings", and "The Demon Murder Case"!
The search is finally over!
I've solved every mystery, found every treasure, and accomplished my childhood dream, there's nothing left to do, but goof off now.

*Kicks up feet* yeah, that was a pretty good life.

Demons (1986)

The film-

So, imagine the Deadites multiply to a horde, and make it to a city.
This is what a real fucking Devil would do.
Not fuck around with some little kid just to make its parents bawl for a week.
I mean, come on...

The history-

Haven't seen it.
Got to.

Event Horizon (1997)

The film-

A whole fucking spaceship comes back possessed.
Sounds better than it actually is.

Meh, watch "Alien", instead.

Failing that, "Lifeforce".

The history-


Fallen (1998)

The film-

A demon hops from body to body, behaving like a super-criminal.
Yeah, see, another proper Devil strategy.
You've got these powers, why limit yourself?

Anyway, Denzel is the guy that hunts him.

The history-


Drag Me To Hell (2009)

The film-

Raimi comes back to horror.

Friends have told me this actually doesn't suck.

The history-


Okay, now, for reruns....

"Prince of Darkness", has a possession....

..."Night Of The Demons", has a possession...

Evil Dead trilogy is all possessions!

"A Nightmare On Elm Street 2", is all about possession.

"Ghostbusters", has a couple possessions (devil dogs).

"Constantine", has a possession that he resolves hilariously easy compared to all other possession flicks.

Aaand, yeah, probably dozens to hundreds of others, but that's the ones worth remembering for me.

Up next, Devil in vidya games, and, comic books.

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