Friday, January 27, 2012

Out Of This World!


Or, "Things What Plopped Outta The Sky".

So, here, we have a list of benevolent beings that arrived on Earth "from away".

"But Mike, in the last one, you had a buncha malevolent cyber-beings!".

Weeell....that gets a bit dicey...like King Arthur's rapist dad, leave him out, no King Arthur, western literature looks a whole lot different.

Can't have the good robots without the bad robots in their family tree.

Can't have the Monty Python Holy Trinity without the creepy sincere Bible pics.
It's how that goes.

But, this one, I try to skew towards good.

So, as with last time, there are hundreds, if not thousands of flicks with this theme, I'll try to stick to a (relatively) small list of notables.


The Day The Earth Stood Still


The film-

A friendly humanoid alien employs some..."gentle terrorism", to try to get humanity to cut out its bullshit.

Also, he has a robot buddy with death ray eyes.
Klaatu Barada Nikto, Gort.

The history-

Cable.
Also, fuck the remake.


The Dr. Who Movies


The films-

I've heard they're terrible,  but I'd love to see them.

Anyway, The doctor is a human in these, cuz the show producers/writers hadn't decided that he was from Gallifrey yet, or had regenerations, or any of that.

But, I'll use these flicks to loophole him in anyway, as the stories are rips from episode arcs.

Shows included, he counts as a friendly alien.
He's saved the Earth like, what, 700 times, or something?

That oughtta be good enough.

The history-

From here....

Doctor Who (TV movie)

Yeah, this is a bit corny in hindsight, but I dug it.
This was supposed to herald a new Who series, and it would've been great, but it fizzled.
We wouldn't get a real new series for a decade.
Helluva wait.
Always a helluva wait for us geeks.
Well, everything finally paid off in the 00's and 10's, so...things are sweet for us at last.
But now it looks like the world's gonna blow up...
We could really use a real Doctor about now.

And from here...

Doctor Who (ninth doctor, new series)

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nuff said.


The Man Who Fell To Earth


The film-

Tch, we didn't get many Bowie movies...

In these lists, only this, "The Hunger", and "Labyrinth".

Anyway, in this one, he's an alien come to Earth to bring water back to his home planet that's experiencing severe drought, but he gets waylaid by addiction, malaise, and human jackassery.

Very...70's.
*Grin*

The history-

Cable.


Cat From Outer Space


The film-

A kitty cat comes to Earth looking for gold to power his ship.

Luckily, he has a translation collar on, which also gives him telekinesis.

Otherwise, he just would have chirped, trilled, mayowed, and flashed his asshole, movie over.

...well, see, there's another remake for me write...

Why include this?
I'm a cat person.

The history-

80's Disney channel.


E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial


The film/history-

From here...

Yhep, 'nother one that made me bawl.
Damn you, Speilberg.

Hmm, had Drew Barrymore's Playboy pics on the old computer...shoulda kept those...
How 'bout that, Ricky?
Didja forsee cyberporn?
Why, I bet not!

Well...no, I bet someone did forsee it, they had porno Atari games...people have always strapped sex onto every new technology....

Course, "Ricky", is Ricky Schroder from "Silver Spoons", so...from the same entry...

Oh, funny thing, there was an episode where Ricky accidentally hacks into the defense department, and sees a top-secret plane, but the funny part, is either him, or his nerd friend says that "someday, we'll use computers for shopping, everything".
Lol.
Got Amazon a couple mouse clicks from here.

And...Ricky didn't predict cyber-porn, but.."Android", did!


XTRO


The film-

Okay, XTRO is an evil alien, but, I gotta pick this one apart somewhere...

XTRO's (BTW, this word is never spoken in the film) mission is...very elaborate, and totally nonsensical.

All right, so, kidnap a random Earthling, and abscond with him for years.

Mutate him into a member of your own species.
Possibly brainwash him, we don't quite know, maybe the metamorphosis itself does this.

Send him back to his planet in this mutated form.

Mutated human/alien then impregnates a human female with a mouth-sucker thingy, and human/alien mutant thing dissolves into a puddle of greenish goo.

Then, mutant clone-reincarnates as his own adult human self, and rips out of the female's womb, killing her horribly.
After a vigorous shower, and stealing some clothes, it's down to business.
Obviously all human concepts of morality are gone in Alien-guy, as this whole bit of business is shrugged off with utter indifference, as if it were taking a piss.

Alien-guy goes back to his human family, and acts ridiculously suspicious about where he's been all this time.

Alien-guy does various weird shit, like eating snake eggs, and sniffing gas out of the heater.

Alien guy infects his human son with alien DNA with a simple neck bite, and some green pulsating sacs sprouting at the bite site.

Alien-son starts manifesting telekinetic powers that culminate in manifesting solidified images, such as attack panthers, and life-sized toys that kill.
Alien-son's morals are apparently gone too.
And these foolish murders serve no purpose.
Certainly not any sort of mission.

Son infects babysitter with neck bite, she sprouts a giant egg-laying womb, and starts shitting giant squishy eggs, and green slime into the bathtub.
Luckily, she seems catatonic during all this.

Alien-son projects a dwarf clown based on one of his toys, and dwarf clown puts the eggs, and several gallons of the slime, into the emptied out, and lain down, kitchen refrigerator.

Alien-guy starts morphing back into his alien self, Alien-son also starts changing, alien ship comes for them, beams them up with a ridiculously drawn out form of teleportation that radiation-burns the only human witness, the mother.

The mother goes home, gets mouth-suckered by a tadpole thing that busts out of one of the fridge-eggs.

All right, so, clearly, the whole thing was meant as a yecchhy form of invasion.

But...it makes no sense.

If your DNA is that virulent a pathogen, acting that quickly...what do you even need eggs for, just keep biting people.
I mean, you see how quickly the plague spreads in zombie movies, you'd have everything gone to mayhem and shit within months, if not weeks.

And...if your DNA is that powerful, why did they have to run off with the first guy to become Alien-guy for so long?

And....if this guy is so radically transformed, that he commits acts he'd have never done as a human, then, he truly isn't himself anymore.
But, if he isn't himself, why would the other aliens acquiesce to his wish to retrieve his human son?
These are just leftover memories and drives from the host.

If this whole thing is an elaborate form of invasion...why be so sneaky?
Unload an army of thousands of infectors, and go to town.

Or, shit, they've got this freaky solid-dream-projection telekinesis, they could take the capital in hours with like, five of them.

Creatures this powerful should theoretically be unstoppable.

And....if Alien-guy was snorting stove gas...clearly our environment isn't suitable for these creatures anyway.
Why turn us all into a lifeform that isn't fit for this atmosphere?
Are the transformed human populace going to terraform Earth to suit their needs?

How, exactly?
And if they have that technology, why fuck around with invasion at all?
Genesis-wave Earth into a nice place for XTROS from orbit.
They have matter manipulation, they use that radioactive transporter thing.

Or hell, they could all telepathically link, and group dream it up.

But shit, at that point, beings this powerful shouldn't even need to invade anywhere, there's nothing we could possibly give them that they'd need.
Our culture? They don't give a shit.
Our tech? Worthless junk.
Genes? Theirs devour everything in their path.
Raw resources?
They could gobble up asteroid belts. Way more raw matter there for 'em than our puny planet.

Yeah, this movie is just fuckin' stupid.

These are the kind of hack writers that did The Bible.
All going for momentary gut reactions, no working the actual plot out for logic.

It's just to get in your head, and make you feel creepy, and maybe puke.
Maybe to get you laid with a frightened date at the drive-in.
Did it ever play there?
If not, XTRO fails utterly.

Lamest invasion ever, XTRO.
Dr. Who could clean up this sad mess before teatime.
It wouldn't even qualify for a whole episode, it would be throwaway dialog with Rose.

The history-

Always saw that box at Nicely's for years, but that image always creeped me out, and I could never work up the nerve to rent it.
Bought it from them when they emptied out their VHSes.
The above review reflects my reaction.
Put it out to the curb for the garbage man last year when I needed more DVD shelf space.
Couldn't find anyone that wanted it.
You literally can't give VHS away anymore, it's sad.


StarMan


The film-

Now, resolve all the logic problems I laid out with XTRO, and hire good actors, and you get a proper fucking movie.

XTRO's control matter and energy?
What do they even need bodies for?

Well, here you go, an energy being comes to Earth, directly clones a woman's dead husband from a bit of hair, and makes a body from scratch to pose as human to learn from us.

No messy cleanup, no need to kill anyone, no muss, no fuss.

And, if it were an invasion, his people could wipe us out, and there'd be no movie.
So, we get this instead.

Jeff Bridges does a great job in this, he plays the role like something controlling his body, and figuring out how to puppet it.
Very inspired.
Great performances by everybody.
Good movie.
Good damned movie.

Schlock like XTRO is there to make me better appreciate the good stuff.
Thank you, XTRO.

The history-

I don't remember it being box-office boffo like E.T.
If I recall right, it was a sleeper that did better on HBO and VHS.
And, it's part of the John Carpenter pantheon.
I always forget, because it's not his usual type of flick.
It's usually cynical social satire, or flat out doomsday prediction.
Maybe he just likes aliens better than people...*shrug*


Meatballs Part II


The film-

The only resemblance to the first one, is that it's at a camp.

So, this one has an E.T. knockoff that gets named "Meathead".

He's got telekinesis like E.T. but, he does "wacky", stuff with his powers.
Also, he speaks perfect English.
Well, it makes sense, why wouldn't an alien with telepathy instantly absorb the language?

Everything else is....well, "Spaceship", levels of awful.

I include it, cuz the whole E.T. thing rippled through the culture for a helluva while, and I needed an example, and this one jumps right out.
Parodies, clones, it almost lasted the decade.

The history-

HBO.


The Brother From Another Planet


The film-

Miles Bennet Dyson from T2 is an alien slave on the run from his captors.

He has telekinesis, and can pluck out his eye, and leave it places, and still see through it.
He also has three big toes that he hides under shoes.
And, he's mute.
Other than that, he passes as a regular black man, and struggles to fit in.

This was 5 years too late for "Blaxplotaion", but it would have fit right in.
Good stuff.

The history-

HBO.
I had a teacher who was just  nutso for this flick.


Morons From Outer Space


The film-

I almost included this in "Space Spoofs", but...it's not spacy enough, it's more about them coming here.
So...I created this category to house it, actually.

Right, so, this is from the director of Flash Gordon, can ya believe it?

So...it's kind of a goofball satirical take on "The Man Who Fell To Earth".

The Morons crash on Earth, and become media celebrities in our dipshit TV culture...and that's it, they have no great secrets of the universe to impart, or technologies to share.

And, that's it, they live here forever.
No one bothers to come for them.

Ah, they don't make movies like this anymore...tch...

The history-

HBO.


Earth Girls Are Easy


The film-

So, Jim Carrey, Jeff Goldblum, and Damon Wayans are fuzzy things, and land on Earth, and are discovered by Julie Brown, and Geena Davis, who shave off their fuzz, except for the strategic human areas, and dye their head hair, and they pass for human.

The aliens and the girls party for a bit, and then all take off into space together.

It's a space hookup, basically.

I miss both Julie Brown, and Geena Davis.
*Sad sigh*
Shit, maybe they did get picked up by aliens.
Someone, go check...

The history-

Basic cable somewhere, I dunno...


The X-Files Movies



The films-

Um...screw 'em actually, I'll just use this space to comment on the whole show.

Suffered from the same problem all these fucking shows do that have a mystery to solve, or a conspiracy to unravel, or a treasure to find, or whatever...

9 times out of 10 the showrunners don't have it fucking planned out, and make the shit up as they go along, and then have to turn around, and hammer it to a shape at the end, and it's a fucking mess.

It happened with "Lost", and it happened here.

The only one that escaped this syndrome, was "Babylon 5", and it was because the whole arc of the show was planned the fuck out.

Anyway, I won't go into it in any detail, as I'm getting worn out, but...suffice it to say, the big conspiracy at the heart of the show when finally revealed, was painful nonsense bullshit that makes XTRO look clever.

Despite this, it's still respected as a cultural fucking icon.

But, so is American Idol....

The history-

Nine years of me hissing and grumbling at the tube for this madness to stop.

I really wouldn't have minded as much, if it hadn't gotten so many people into taking this "paranormal", horseshit seriously.
The plague is still running wild, what with all these fucking ghost shows.

When ghosts run their course, it'll be the next cultural abomination.
Let's hope it's Goblins.
That'd be a fucking laugh.

Rerun time...

Superman


The film/history-

Definitely a friendly alien, saved the world more times than even Dr. Who.

See here.


Critters


The film/history-

Well, they're bad, but, the bounty hunters that come after them aren't.

See here and here...


The Transformers


The film/history-

Man, they cover a lotta categories, don't they?

So, they're extraterrestrials, and, unlike, say, XTRO, they blend in technologically, rather than organically.
I've always respected that.
Lifeforms that don't want to cover me in gloop, or foul our women go up a few points on my scale of goodness.

Anyway, see here...


Star Trek: First Contact


The film/history-

We get the attention of the Vulcans by inventing warp, they land in Montana, and this moment in history creates the whole Star Trek universe.

Now that's an alien encounter you can sink your fuckin' teeth into.
None of this "no one believes you, and everything back to normal", bullshit.

See here.


Galaxy Quest


The film/history-

So, this time, they come cuz they think you're a space hero, and wanna take you on an adventure?
Gimme some of THAT!

How much cooler is that than a stupid fuckin' anal probing?
Have I mentioned Whitley Strieber needs to be killed by a firing squad?

Anycrap, see here.


The Return Of Captain Invincible


The film/history-

Well....while not technically an alien as such...aliens did whizz by in a saucer, and zap his mom and dad while they were boning to conceive him.

So...it's actually a hybrid of the origins of both  Superman, and Hugo Danner.

And...that bit of genetic tinkering had a much better result than...(wait for it)...XTRO.

See here.

And, that's those.

Up next, Paramilitary Groups.

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