Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Oh-Em-Gee-Three!! (Addendum)

All right, last time with this, I tore down three Jesus-verse flicks sight unseen, just based on trailers, and posters, and Youtuber reviews, and logic.

Well, it didn't feel fair, so, I sat down and watched the damned things.
So, here they are again for a second pass.

Noah (2014)

On some level, hilarious.
It's so excessive, and overblown, and over the top, you keep half suspecting it's a deliberate satire.

The bullshit Aronofsky layered on to make the pre-existing bullshit hang together is more egregious, and just shows how egregious the original bullshit was.

Right about when the rock men acting and moving like Michael Bay Transformers show up, you'll be in hysterics.

BUT....humor aside, I was right last time, Noah's still the gross story of hypocrisy, intolerance, and genocide that it always was.

It's ostensibly supposed to be about redemption, but....fuck off, if The Sky Daddy wanted to redeem humanity, he could just forgive everyone, or fix human nature.

Good thing it ain't true.

God's Not Dead (2014)

Nope, God didn't show up.
You'd think the dreadful (is there any other kind?) Christian rock concert at the end would have been a perfect time to pop up.

You know who did pop up on a giant screen?
One of the Duck Dynasty assholes.
Y'know, those yuppie assholes that pretend to be rednecks?
Yeah, those assholes.
One of them.
Manny, Moe, Jack, or Shemp, one of those.

Jesus had a lot to say about hating rich people, and nothing to say about hating teh gayz.
This is never brought up in the presence of Shemp.
How convenient.

Anyway, absent evidence, the flick tries to prove God with argument.
You know what the arguments were?



Heaven Is For Real (2014)

Nope, God didn't show up in this one either.
There's a fake actor-Jesus in a kid's dream, but, y'know.

You know what you do get?


I called that shit, didn't I?

This one was a little bit better than "God's Not Dead", if only because it had vastly superior photography, and real actors capable of acting like real people, and not creepy glassy-eyed Jesus-zombies.

Thomas Haden Church was in this, and it broke my fucking heart.
*Sigh*....well, he's got Church in his name, doesn't he?

So, overall, I'd recommend "Noah", for the laughs, and that it looks great in HD.

The other two are just turds.
Possibly from Satan's own bunghole.
Which, would be better God proof than anything in these films.

Anyhoo, now the floodgates are open, and Ridley Scott is doing a remake of Moses, and there was another life story of Jesus movie. *Has to Google*
"Son Of God".
I imagine they didn't beat the shit out of him as hard as the Mel Gibson version.

And, Anne Rice's Jesus prequels are getting made as flicks starting in 2015.

What's going on here?
We got another war coming, and only the Illuminai knows about it?
Always when there's some disaster on the horizon, or fresh in the rear view mirror, the religion shit, and ghost shit makes an uptick, because people want assurances of immortality.
Because, if they knew their incompetent leaders were going to take away their one and only life, they might not sit still for it, and rebel.

Heaven's for real! Go back to sleep! We've got it all under control!

Or, maybe it's really just as simple as cynical assholes seeing dollar signs.


Billdude said...

Thomas Haden Church's real name is Thomas Richard McMillen, and it was Thomas Quesada when he was growing up....he says "Haden" and "Church" come from his ancestors but it's rumored to be a weed joke, i.e., "THC." He did direct a movie about weed after all ("Rolling Kansas.")

I don't know, how religious is Greg Kinnear? He became a star playing a gay guy in "As Good As It Gets" and he even played Bob Crane for heaven's sake (then again, it wasn't a movie praising Crane's sex problems.) I read an interview with him and he seemed to be more interested in playing a preacher just because he thought it was interesting.

The "Duck Dynasty" people are the worst human beings you mentioned in this entire thing. It's a sad thing for America that that show is popular. I actually have watched it and almost NOTHING HAPPENS and it's all FAKE.

Frankus said...

I watched Noah last night and I kept thinking, "God is a dick."
Imagine if you had a real live, living, breathing, actual, touchable friend who acted like the 'Creator'. You would think he was an asshole, and you would be right.
That is what I got out of the whole thing.

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