Friday, December 9, 2011

Superhero Flicks, Part 13: All The Rest (Part 2, all the rest)


There, that's Turtles, now, for all the assorted candy heroes.
All of 'em, I ain't shitting ya.


Condorman

The film-

What? You don't remember Condorman?

III...kinda do...I remember the trailer, and the "Cooondormaaaan!", theme burnt into my head from that, and I had the comic book adaptation, and it was pretty bland.

Disney was flailing for an identity with Unca' Walt dead, and they made a bunch of shlock in this period, and this was um, yeah, one of those.

I...think I saw the movie on Disney Channel, or HBO as a kid, and was bored, and didn't concentrate on it, so didn't retain it.
Cuz...there's traces of it when I watch Youtube clips. so...I must have seen it.

Anyway, Michael Crawford (yes, Phantom Of The Opera Michael Crawford) plays a comic book artist who seeks such realism in his comics, he tests out the gadgets and tricks himself to see if they'll really work, hence him having the Condorman gliding suit. Then, he gets mistaken for a spy, so, his brother (who happens to be in the CIA) enlists him to help out with a defection of this lady spy, and he really becomes Condorman.

The idea is better than the execution.
Let's leave it at that.

The history-

Told it up there.


Dick Tracy


The film-

So, we jump ahead a whole decade to this one.
Asscrap.

The history-

Loathed it before I saw it.
Just....everything to do with it turned me right the fuck off.
Nothing appealed.

The whole deal with Beatty being this legendary man-slut, and Madonna being a legendary maneater, and the two of them fucking, and then them recycling that into the marketing of this stinkbomb, and Beatty having his wrinkles airbrushed out of every frame, and...damn, but this had the fetid stench of critics being bought off, because they basically lined right the fuck up, and greedily sucked anus.

No expense was spared to make this thing exist, and linger at the box-office.

Finally saw it on cable almost another decade later, and...yeah, it stinks.
And I really gave it a chance too, I tried to set aside my preconceptions, but, everything I feared was playing out right there on screen, like someone blowing a trombone.
You couldn't dodge it.
Madonna being a relentless camera whore, Beatty being his usual overrated male-bimbo self, except aging, so it's sadder, yeah...stinko.

I've come to the brutal conclusion that the fans of Warren Beatty and Robert Redford are only sad old ladies with a brutal annual battery bill.
Maybe some gay guys, I dunno.
I've yet to see their alleged "greatness", in any of the movies they've been in.
In Redford's case "the horse whisperer", is easily his "Dick Tracy".
BUT, back to Dick Tracy...

"Ah dahhh yeah, but da production design with da comic book colors, and...".

I heard all that shit from the marketing assholes a million times, shut the fuck up.
Shut. The fuck. UP!
If I have to hear another pseudo-critic applaud the pretty colors, I'll vomit all down my chest, and then you'll see some fucking technicolor.

Speaking of which....


Thank you, Topps.
You're, well...tops.

Oh, and, plug time, if you wanna see me degrade Beatty some more, check out "The Krazyfool Show".

"Ah dahhh, but Pacino...".
Fuck off.
He was slumming.
We're done with this one.


Darkman


The film-

Eh, s'alright.

I'm a Raimi fan from Evil Dead onward, and you can see his stamp on it for sure.

He was climbing up the ladder towards Spidey.
Who knew then, huh?
So, this is extra neat to see as a piece of history.

Hmm, Liam Neeson was in this...he's hit-or-miss.
He'll be in a Phantom Menace, then turn around, and do a Schindler's List, or Batman Begins.
He's all over the map.
He's like Stallone, except critics love him.
Well, he's better'n Beatty.

The history-

Dug it in the same vein as dark stuff like Robocop, had the comic adaptation, and all.
Eh, doesn't hold up as well for me today....

This was another one that at the time, had me hoping we'd get intense stuff like Punisher, and Watchmen immediately...not 10-15 years later...*infuriated teeth grit*


The Rocketeer


The film-

This has a rabidly devoted cult.
I'm not in that cult.

Haven't seen it all the way through, can't get into it.
Just doesn't do it for me.
Doesn't flick my brain clit.

Sorry, Rocketeer fans.

You were probably all keyed up to hear me go all "blah blah blah, 30's serials, blah blah blah, atmosphere, blah blah blah, unappreciated by the masses, blah blah".

Yeah, nope, sorry.

The history-

N/A....oh, wait, no...

There's this little anecdote from here....


Fashion plates


Ohhh yeah...
The thing, where you did a crayon rubbing of these plates, and it made girls in various outfits to color in.
I had the boy's version called the "Mighty Men & Monster Maker", that made superheroes, and monsters, and you could mix up the heads, and bodies, and legs.
Hmm, looking at it again, a lot of the charactrers look reminiscent of later He-Man characters ,
wonder if there was influence, or if maybe the designers went to work for Mattel...
Oh, here's a nifty factoid, the guy who created The Rocketeer created the plates.


The Meteor Man

The film-

Oh, Townsend, your heart is always in the right place....*head pat*

Gold sticker for effort.

We'll always love you for "Hollywood Shuffle".

The history-

If some little black kid grew up to be the next Obama or something cuz of Meteor Man, I'll gladly eat a pot pie filled with crow.


The Shadow


The film-

Uh...hrmph...*turns away in disinterest*


The history-

My grandmother was a sucker for this, and Dick Tracy, just for the characters.

Hey, you think us spoiled Gen-Xers waited a long time for our shit to come around, imagine how it felt for them!

Crappy grainy serials...then nothin' for 60 years!
Yeah, think of that sometime, whipper-snappers.


The Mask


The film-

Pretty much the role Jim Carrey was born to play.

I mean, really, this character came out of Mike Richardson's imagination, Jim Carrey stepped out of the mists of hacky sketch television, the two events collided like protons in a reactor, this film exists, and now Carrey, like Jerry Lewis, is waiting out the clock.

Oh, that sounds so mean, but...I'm not knocking Carrey, so much as saying this film was so perfect, it's a tough act to follow.

It's like Chris Reeve, & Superman, y'know?

Also, since this one, Cameron Diaz has been in....everything.
Non-stop.

The history-

Um...no special life memories..but..how about this...





Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: 
The Movie


The film-

Um....it is what it is.

What, you thought I was gonna surprise you with "wow! This was actually awesome! White Ranger gets married, and has onscreen full-penetration sex with his bride, then the mob rapes and kills her, then he hacks 'em all to bits with a machete, and eats the guts! The show was never the same after this!!"?

Sorry. *shrug*

The history-

So...yeah...this whole phenomenon happened to our culture...*dry cough*

Hey, did you know before they lucked into this whole deal, Haim Saban and Shuki Levy did this?

Linky!


Darkman II: The Return Of Durant


The film-

No Raimi? No Neeson? Fuck off.

Really? The selling point for this was Larry Drake?

Did we all forget a little film called "Dr. Giggles"?

I didn't, Larry.
You're not forgiven those dashed expectations.
Not to this day.
Nuh uh.
Nope.
Not from this horror fan.

The history-

N/A


The Phantom


The film-

See The Rocketeer, and The Shadow reviews.

The history-

All right, so, guys like Beatty and Redford are getting long in the tooth, and were even then, and Tom Cruise suddenly got really expensive, so, Hollywood needed a new male bimbo, and it looked for awhile it might be  Billy Zane, cuz for awhile in the 90's he was in everything.

I even had a "where's Waldo?", type game going on, where I'd see how long it took to spot Billy Zane in something.
Course "six degrees of Kevin Bacon", came along, and overshadowed it.
Had no Idea I could've gotten rich off a little idea like that.
Never did have that Ferengi-sense in me....

Anyway, jump ahead a bit, and Billy ended up in "Titanic", and he pulls a Suzanne Somers, and is like "I was in fuggin' Titanic, I'm expensive now", and casting directors were like "AHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!", and he vanished, and we got Vin Diesel instead.

THE END


Darkman III: Die Darkman Die


The film-

See the first sentence of the Darkman II review.

The history-

N/A


Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie


The film-

Bad enough this cheese even existed, but this one opened the floodgates.

This is where Saban/Levy got wise to that they could recycle it with a new cast literally every fucking year, and basically ensure it would never be a star vehicle for any of these poor kids, and they'd never have to give anyone a raise.

Really shitty.

The history-

N/A


So, that's mostly 90's stuff, next, we get into the 00's.


12 comments:

hyla2 said...

'CON-DOR-MAAAAN! da-daa-dat-da-da-da-da-daaa, CON-DOR-MAAAN!'

Fucking. Yes.

I thought NOBODY else had seen that thing but me. Blank stares every time. AT LAST!

Vindication. Ahhh.

hyla2 said...

Huh. Michael Crawford? Funny . . .

For some reason, I always thought Condorman was John Glover.

Not that I knew who John Glover was at the time . . . Just retroactively, I'd peek back at my mental film clips of the movie and see John Glover every time in that bit where he shows off his design for 'Laser Lady', the superheroine he based off his eventual love interest.

Lemme peek (eyes scrunch shut):

***John Glover turns from the drawing board toward the girl, the wall above festooned with drawings of an incredibly familiar looking sexy lady in feminine-Buck-Rogers drag with a laser pistol. "That's my Laser Lady!", John Glover beams at her with his big gleaming glazed John Glover grin***

Huh. Could'a sworn.

. . .

'CON-DOR-MAAAN--!'

Diacanu said...

Yes, you didn't hallucinate Condorman....but Disney feverishly tried to make you think you did by burying it as deep as they could.

Down in the Mariana Trench next to The Black Hole, the Black Cauldron, and under several tons of unused Atari 2600 "E.T. The Game", cartridges.

Diacanu said...

...thought for sure you might try to mount a defense of The Power Rangers Movie...don't know why..

hyla2 said...

Aw, c'mon, EVERYbody knows about 'The Black Hole', though.

NOBODY remembers Condorman.

You're right about Black Cauldron, though.

If it hadn't been for the fact I'd seen part of a behind the scenes special on it where they showed how they made the sound of the Horned King's resurrecting corpse army-

(rubber glove full of macaroni)

-or that I had a comic book style storybook of the film, I would've thought I'd hallucinated it.

hyla2 said...

Re: Power Rangers

NOOOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOO!

Noope.

I was an ironic fan at the time . . . but not so much I felt like slipping into the theaters to see that. Caught chunks of it on TV.

Yeah, the whole seasonal cast/zord/baddies switch out . . . The wife, a theater major, actually argues that the constant switcheroo makes for a better showcase of young talent without the stigma of getting typecast as 'the Power Ranger guy/chick' for the rest of your life from having done it for multiple seasons.

*shrug*

Diacanu said...

Black Hole is the one that made Disney almost bleed out, but Tron always got framed for it somehow.

That always annoyed me, cuz I was in that small Tron cult from the start.

Diacanu said...

Hmm, yeah, I guess I can see Mizmstie's point on that.

I just remember Green/White Ranger thinking he was gonna be "the next Bruce Lee", and the recast slamming him down.

hyla2 said...

Well, if it's any consolation to Green/White Ranger-guy, NOBODY else has taken up that particular mantle.

Because only Bruce Lee was Bruce Lee. Bitchez.

>P

Diacanu said...

Speaking of...WTF is up with all this internet worship of Chuck Norris lately?

Like, the whole "Chuck Norris can do this or that", thing seemed to start as an ironic joke, like "6 degrees of Kevin Bacon", but now the irony has become real, and people really think he's great.

Like, um, BRUCE LEE, dammit!
He really WAS that awesome!

Ehh...it stinks of a "Chuck is OURS", racist/xenophobia type deal...

Diacanu said...

And yes, Bruce Lee has a category coming up.

hyla2 said...

Yeah, Chuck is cool and all, but people: RELAX.

RE-LAAAX.

Let's not give the brother too much credit, m'kay? Any you fools ever SEE 'The Octagon'?

(he twitches, skull shuddering and caving in on one side as part of brain containing memory of "film" commits suicide and implodes)

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