Flicks I've watched (Part 14)

See here for part 13.


Juno (2007)

Wow, ought-seven?
I'm really late to that one....

Well, you know I'm ga-ga for "Super", and "Hard Candy", so, naturally, I had to finally complete the Ellen Page triptic.

...I liked it.
A lot.
What? *Shrug*
I dunno, there's some hipster hatred for Diablo Cody, and I don't get it.
I gotta admit, I was on the bandwagon, sight unseen.
I just lazily assumed this was like a Wes Anderson movie, y'know?

No, it's cute, but it's not sugary, or phony, it's just right.
I didn't want to punch anyone.
That's quite a feat.
Anyway, I saw this weeks ago, and this post is really horror based, but this connects to the the other films.
You'll see why.

Oh, speaking of Ellen Page triptic, I shit you not, she starts out wearing the red hoodie from "Hard Candy".
So, there you go, it is a trilogy.
She kills some child molesters, then gets knocked up, and this stuff happens, then she goes to work for a comic book store, and becomes Boltie.
Full circle. ;-)


Suspiria (1977)

Another one like "Audition", and "Oldboy", that I first learned of on "The Top 100 Scariest Movie Moments".

I really wanted to like this one.
I say that a lot, but dammit, despite my grouchiness, I really am an optimist, and give things a damned good chance.

As you can guess, it was a total fucking letdown.
Not scary at all.
The gore is fakey, the story is stupid, the acting terrible, the score is annoying, there's long stretches of tedious boredom between fake kills, just ugh.
Another torture trial.
Fucking bummer.

Oh, and people rave about the art direction and the colors on this.
Who cares?
They said that shit about "Dick Tracy".
Fuck off.
Sugar cereals are fucking colorful, doesn't make them gourmet.

Aaanyhoo, Juno was a Dario Argento nut, so, that's the first connection.


Tenebre (1982)

Another Argento, another letdown.

It's better than "Suspiria", but that ain't saying much.

It's got a better story for sure.
It's more of a detective story.
I was hoping for an Argento-y "Red Dragon", y'know?
A nice little police procedural with some splatter.
But, damn, again with the slow boring pace.
It's not tense, fucker, it's tedious.

Jayzus, you ain't gotta be killing people all the time, but give me something.
Dialog, character humor, push some plot, something.

So, best thing that happens, at the end, a girl gets her arm chopped off, and she screams her guts out, and swears her head off pretty realistically.
But, the hosing stump is pretty fake.

Like "Suspiria", not scary at all.
Like bullets off Superman, bounced right off me.

A friend told me he liked this better than "Human Centipede 2".
Yeah, just gonna have to disagree there, and move on.


The Wizard Of Gore (1970)

I'd always heard of Herschell Gordon Lewis, he did the original "2000 Maniacs", that got remade into the one with Robert Englund, and a bunch of others.

So, it was another one I was willing to give a chance, and wanted to dig.

Now, this is the one that Juno gets introduced to that she ends up liking a lot better than Dario Argento flicks.

Well, this is better than "Susperia", and "Tenebre", but again...that ain't saying much.
Gore is fakey as hell, I mean, even on that poster, you can see that's a crappy dummy head for the dead girl,.

And yet again...booooring.
The only thing that saves it from being Argento levels of boring, is the characters are hammy instead of wooden.

Yeah, this belongs alongside the cheese in "Bargain Bin  Bounty 1".


So, after that punishment trial, I really needed something to rinse out my mouth.


Cabin In The Woods (2011)

Ohhhhh, soooo muuuuch beeeetter!!

Oh, why did I wait so long?
I totally have to buy this, and I kick myself for not seeing it at the theater.

I can't add anything to this you haven't heard from every other hack on the net, or from yourself inside your head, because you've probably seen it.

Bless you, Joss, you fucking saved my afternoon.


That's it, I'm fucking done with these "controversial", golden oldies.
I'm not doing it anymore.
I know what's good, I know what I like.
I gave it all a fair chance, I feel like my homework is fucking done.
I've torn film history apart, if anything good managed to hide from me, then it has an ultimate cloaking device, and deserves to be hidden, cuz it don't wanna be found.
I'm out, this is finished.

Up next, retrospective.