Thursday, December 15, 2011

Superhero Flicks, Part 12.5: All The Rest (Part 1.5, Transformers)

So, those (Part 1, 2, 3) are done, now, we go back a bit for individual standouts.

Retroactively after the Turtles one, comes....



Yeah, why not? Optimus is easily the superhero of his race, and that makes the Autobots their Justice League. Transplant 'em here, and they're even more super, cuz turning into a car, or a George Foreman Grill, is normal on Cybertron. Here, not so much.

And, of course, we start right off with....

Transformers The Movie (1986)

The film-

From here...

Woodstock: The Movie

Transformers The (animated) Movie was my Woodstock the movie.
I often deeply philisophically ponder who got the better deal.

Then, from here....

Transformers made my frikkin childhood.
Loved the shit out of 'em.
Loved the movie.
Like I said in the 70's, it was my Woodstock.
A lot of my generation seems to agree, its fandom garnered it a 25th anniversary bells-n-whistles DVD.

That'll do, let's get into memories..

The history-

I'll try to remember as much stuff connected to this film as I's a lot....

Well, I was already batshit for Transformers by the time this came out, so, I was de facto signed up.

Now, my mother over the years kept trying to set up going out to the movies with her fuggin' friend, and her friend's fuggin' kid, and the...*strains to not cuss* woman would always say she was gonna go with ya, then, go behind your back, and take her kid, cuz he had to have everything first, like it was a fucking competition.

I would even plead with Ma, "why do we have to WAIT for them?!?! Let's just GO!!!".

I don't know why Ma didn't learn, but it kept fuckin' happening, and the...fuck it, bitch, did it to us again this time.

She sees Transformers before us, comes over, and spoils the death of Prime for me.
Wretched cow.

So, I'm one of the only kids who didn't get that experience in the theater.

But, I still loved the thing, it was still fuckin' great, I still consider it a watershed moment for young geekdom.
Not my young geekdom, but everyone's.

So, that was the flick everyone was talking about at school, so, I got to be in for a change.

Hmm, yeah, that picked up in the year where we would have gotten a fourth Star Wars, so, that took up the slack pretty well for us kids.

In hindsight, we made out a lot better with Transformers than if Unca' George had kept raping his golden goose in front of us.

Hmm, yeah, then '89 was Burton Batman, then, '92, the Zahn novels kicked in, so, that bridged it pretty well...we didn't exactly starve for a big cultural thing to fill the SW void, I guess.

Anyway, what a great fucking movie, Leonard Limoy Galvatron, Orson Welles as Unicron, the theme by Lion, Weird Al's "Dare To Be Stupid", tossed into the mix...

And "oh shit!", I swear to you, Spike Witwicky said "oh shit!", when Unicron sucks up his ship.

I guess a LOT of it is nostalgia, I'm not saying this thing could arm wrestle down Stanley Kubrick, had all the ingredients that made 10-11 year old me happy as a pig in shit.

Hmm, what else?
Oh, yeah, I had a stayover with Nick Foster back when I was in Ms. Tinkham's class.

He had a Shakey's Pizza party with Transformers on the big screen TV.

Pizza, toys, Ms. Pac-Man and Asteroids arcade tables, Transformers, and a snowball fight out in the parking lot, I...think I remember that one even more fondly than my theater experience.

Yeah, I think so....*nods* *smiles*

Nick was cool, he was...imagine Cartman, but not evil.
Spoiled with every toy in the world, but it didn't spoil him rotten, and he was a good egg.
Funny guy too.

Back at his house, he had...damn near all of the Transformers, and we staged "Transformers the Movie", parts 2 through....fuck, 16 I think.

*Laughs* yeah, the Deceptions won a few of those, and for some reason, SkyLynx emerged as the breakout star.

Hmm, looking at the profile, Nick actually had the character nailed.
Anyway, that stuff was funny as shit.

He also had this giant fucking black dog that looked like a small horse.
Luckily it was friendly.
It slept on my legs that night.

Hmph *smiles* only had a handful of really great times like that....with no bullshit smeared on 'em.

Maybe that's why I remember it better than that first pass....
I'm sure of it.

Anyway, that friend of my mothers is dead now.
The slow, hurty kind.
She did a lot of rude ignorant shit in her youth, but no one deserves to go out like that.

Wonder whatever became of Nick...hmnh....

Teen years are largely a blur of boredom, and depression, but, I remember watching "Transformers The Movie", again with Hyla, and Spencer, and blathering forth my theory even then of it being a generational epoch.

Like I said in cyan above, the internet seems to back me up on that one.

Remember getting the tape soundtrack round about that time, and doing 50 all the way home to those songs.
Yeah, whatcha gonna do, coppers?

So, time to throw that in here...

You've got the touch!!!!

Another story connected to that in this location blog.

*Listens to it again*
Man, that still pumps me up. :)

Hmm, all for now...

Transformers: Five Faces Of Darkness

The film-

So, this is how the show immediately followed up the events of TFTM, and...where it was a continuous arc, I guess it counts as a movie.
Indeed, the sequel.

So, gen-y-ers, you think animated Batman pulled this first, of one theatrical feature, then a bunch of straight to video stuff?
Nope, they guinea-pigged it all on us first.

Anyway, good stuff, even if the animation is as cheap as hell.

Some of you out there may remember these as "the one(s) where Rodimus sees the history of the Transformers through the ghosts in the Matrix".

Yep, this is the batch.

The history-

I'll talk about this more in the next one...

Transformers: The Return of Optimus Prime

The film-

Fuck yeah!!!

And, this one is flat-out called the sequel to TFTM, so...there you go, there have actually been 6 Transformers movies.
Bet you non-geek lurkers didn't know that.

The history-

Course, in my toy play, I had long since resurrected Prime with a jury-rigged space-bridge time jump.
Took me all of 5 minutes.
My Transformers universe picked up without missing a beat.

Rodimus Prime my rosey red ass.

Tell ME what toys to play with anymore, yah marketing assoles.

But, this made it "official".

Transformers (2007)

The film-

George Lucas didn't rape my childhood...Michael Bay did.

From here... just didn't do it for me.
It didn't "rape my childhood", or nothin.
Just, meh.
The Transformers of my youth weren't Hitchcock or nothin' but they had a richer mythology than this flick.
I s'pose you can't cram all that stuff into an origin movie
Well, I still have the 80's movie, and I can Youtube up Beast Wars if I feel like...

Yeah, past-Mike, but then the sequels came...

The history-


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

The film-


The history-


Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The film-

* Acknowledges its mere existence with a nose crinkle, and a lip curl*

*Walks off, and leaves a fart behind*

The history-


Scroll thingy is a little nub, so, I guess this is a decent sized chunk now....

Up next, Robocop.

(BTW, this squeezes between this and this)


hyla2 said...


Ah, good ol' 'Transformers The Movie'.

How many ways did it blow my mind back in 1986 . . .

I mean, to look at it now, with an honest eye, it's mostly pretty snicker-worthy at best. So, y'know, still quite enjoyable. But when you're seeing this in a big dark theater with surround sound when you're ten years old?


Big overwhelming score (okay, it was electronic not symphonic, but it's an kid's robot movie from the '80's ferchrissakes); your heroes running for their lives and pretty much failing miserably at every turn (until our darkest hour, natch'); adult language; graphic wounding (of robots); DEATH!

Geez, in the first ten minutes they gun down, like, 2/3rds of the show's original cast! They get blast holes punched through them, fire drizzles out of their mouths like energy blood, and they TURN FUCKING GREY AND DIE!

Yeah. This movie took a whole generation of . . . well, boys at least . . . by surprise and woke them up to the big boy world. Hey, beats the circumcision/ritual scarification type tribal rites of passage all to hell, far as I'm concerned!


Diacanu said...

Oh, I know, the Prime fight, and the Galvatron transformation, and the Starscream death all still jazz me ...but the stuff in Wheelie and Grimlock interacting, ...unfh...

hyla2 said...

"Friend find, look behind!"

Yeah. I don't ever wanna hear that on a strange planet, ever.

Diacanu said...

That's right keeds, we had our Jar-Jar first.

Hey, did you ever BUY Wheelie?

I couldn't bring myself to do it.

hyla2 said...

Yeah . . . Me or my brother. I think he came out just before the movie, though . . . I wanna say he did, and that we bought him then.

If you block out the precocious rhyming urchin crap, he was a vaguely snazzy looking little future pod-car.


Diacanu said...

Oh, yeah, the car was cool, but...I couldn't work with that character.

If I had to do it over, I'd take the "urchin", thing in a Clockwork Orange direction.

hyla2 said...

Oh,sure. Just think what that 'bot's head must've really been like . . . um, if he were actually real (yeesh, what's wrong with us noids . . .)

I remember some kids storybook from back then about Wheelie's adventures before he crawls up Grimlock's backside.


He's an authentic little kid Cybertronian whose parent's ship crashed/was captured by the Quintessons, and they died, and he had to survive all alone.

Great stuff they pawned off on us youngsters back in the '80's, huh?

Diacanu said...

So, he was Cyber-Newt.

Shit, wished I'd known, I coulda worked with that.

Diacanu said...

..Newt from Aliens, not Gingrich...

hyla2 said...

. . .



Naw, I got it. Pretty much.

. . .

Ah, geez, now I got images of Grimlock flamethrower-breathing on a bunch of newly lain Quintessons . . . and of the horrendous birth tract that expelled them.


Diacanu said...



Diacanu said...

So...the Bay ones...your take?

hyla2 said...



Yeah, completely detested the first movie. The robots were TOO alien, too 'messy', and you couldn't see what the fuck was happening when a pair of them were all a'tussle.

WAY too much human shit, barely ANY robot to robot interaction. I especially mourned the lack of any good Decepticon inter-bitchery. I mean there was a WTF one off comment by Megs to Starscream, but . . . it was in Cybertronian.


And the sequels looked like a whole bunch of way worse, so I avoided them. Sound decision, from everything I've heard, especially about 'Fallen'. Balls. Racist caricatures. Leg humping.


Word is the third one is a wee bit better script-wise (but JUST a WEE bit) and the 3D action was supposed to be fucking amazing.

But I don't care.

And now, of course, Bay--who had said even before 'Dark Side' was wrapped that he was all done with Transformers--seems to be in talks to continue the franchise.

Ro-balls to that. >P

Diacanu said...

Amen to all of that, but an extra "hear hear!!", to the loss of Decepticon inter-bitchery.

My theory on that, is, Starscream is the real villain of Transformers.

Megatron throws himself around, but, he's upper-management.

Starscream is the mustache twirler, the Captain Hook.

Weaken him, and you lose the energy of the thing.

hyla2 said...

Right on. And you don't make him look like a fucking . . . I dunno, samurai helmet head triangle chimp.

And give him tribal 'tats'.

And why the fuck didn't anybody use fucking lasers? THEY'RE SUPER ADVANCED ALIEN ROBOTS! What's with all the projectile weapons and shit!?

Diacanu said...

And part 3 better?

No fuckin' way.

I've had it spoiled, and I'll spoil it since you won't see it, and I want others to not see it..

Prime becomes a stone-cold killer.
Rips Sentinel Prime's fuckin' head off.

Sure, "our", Prime was a badass, but he was a noble badass, not Chuck Manson.


Diacanu said...

Re: Lasers.

Eh...that gets tricky...the show had lasers, but the tech-specs on the toys often had them have projectile, and chemical guns.

Re: Gorilla lookin' Starscream...they virtually had lost me once I saw those designs.

...I shoulda listened to my gut, but I rented it anyway.

hyla2 said...

RE, Killer Prime:

Yep. They screwed that pooch. Out of of the moment life or death protecting the weak necessity?

Yeah. Prime's a warrior.

But cold blooded execution? Fucking NEVER. He'd lock 'em up. Dumb hopeful hero stuff like that. (So they can escape in another movie and shit, of course).

Prime doesn't HATE the 'Cons. They're all fellow Cybertronians. He'd rather have things somehow back the way they were. To have peace . . . but not at any price.

(I iz a fuggin nurd :P )

hyla2 said...


Yeah, I know. But that stuff was cool and creative, not just big bullet-grenade crap.

Glass gas. Cerebro shells. Null rays.

Great shit.

Diacanu said...

Re: Re: Killer Prime. Nailed it.

Re: Exotic weapons.
Shit, yeah.
Just having that shit would have made it more interesting.
Hell, Bombshell had it in him to turn all Transformers into a fuckin' Borg hive.
That alone would make a movie.

Diacanu said...

Well, shit we all have ideas like this, but they keep going the hacky way, cuz "market research", shows everyone's stupid, so, don't make it too tricky....*eye roll*



hyla2 said...

RE, Exotic Weapons:

Right? And how lame was Megatron's 'fusion cannon' in the first movie? I'm all, "where's the big fuggin arm cannon, bitchez!?", then for a split second, he transforms his arms together into this alien sniper rifle looking thing, and fires . . . I dunno, a plasma bullet or something I guess, sure as hell wasn't a huge-ass fusion blast! BOOLSHEET!

. . .

That kinda stuff. It keeps me up.

(sigh . . .)

hyla2 said...

Oh, and don't get me going about Bay's redonkulous stunt-spectacular pyro shows. I saw all I needed to in the ads for 'Fallen'.


Diacanu said...

I had to look up what he's going to rape next, and that's right, it's Turtles.

Coulda sworn Thundercats too, but, thankfully, I remembered it was just an Onion headline.

hyla2 said...

Yeah, but there was concept stuff abrew for years on Thundercats . . . Could still happen.


Oh, well. At least the Bay movies were semi-responsible for Transformers: Animated happening. I loved that show.

Sorta parallel to the SW prequels giving us the Clone Wars toons along with all the grief.

Diacanu said...

Yeah, that's true...

Always forget to factor that in.

And Matrix birthed Animatrix.

And Lucy birthed every hacky ABC sitcom ever, but also Desilu, which birthed Star Trek.

It all evens out in the bigger curve...

hyla2 said...

Yeah. If you were to ask me, "was it worth it?" . . . I'd have to reply that I couldn't in good concience answer either a clear yes or no.

Some prices must be paid, yes. But just so, some injuries must NEVER be forgiven!

(cue music from ID4 president speech)

hyla2 said...


Blew his mind.

. . .

Or creeped him out.


Diacanu said...

Was I that long?
Was just re-skimming the post again for typos and code/spacing hiccups.
I always keep finding them.
I'm OCD about it now.

Diacanu said...

No, didn't blow my mind blows itself, got stuck in over-thinking log-jam with 5 different possible replies tangling in on themselves, lemme think...

hyla2 said...

Yeah, I'm already thinking about going back and Lucas-ing (fittingly enough) the caption on one of the pics on my 'Sonuvabitch (4)' post.

Says 'Save me internet connection (Obi Wan Kenobi), you're my only hope!"

Should be 'Help', not 'Save'. Nerts.

Diacanu said...

*Neck tick*
*Sound of an electrical short*

It was the "it", in "was it worth it?", that had me tripped up.

You meant Bay-formers, I thought you meant some global philosophical thing, like, is IT worth it, at the end of existence.

I was formulating this big complicated thesis, while trying to make it funny, and overloaded.

Diacanu said...

Yeah, no, Bay and Lucas need to stand before Quintesson court.

hyla2 said...

OOPs again.

Yeah, no, I meant Bay-Formers, SW prequels . . . any awful big H-wood bastardization of stuff you love . . . that happens to also deliver up a tiny shiny nugget of awesomeness despite itself.

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