Wednesday, October 26, 2011

...and then, it all went from blow, to suck.

So, from the glossy 90's to the cruddy 00's.
(Aughties? Naughties? We gotta settle this one)

Yep, you guessed it, I'm doing the torture-porn era.

Jigsaw doesn't deserve to be a Freddy or Jason, but with 7 entries, he damned sure tried getting there by willpower.

So, let's get it over with....*eye roll*


The film-

You all know it by now.

Wesley from "Princess Bride", is captured by asshole-cancer-patient-with-puppet-avatar, saws off his foot to get away, the end.

Before that, chick-from-Becker has a reverse bear trap on her head.
(Baby, you'll always be chick-from-Becker to me).


A whole movie based around the pedophile scene in Watchmen.

Well, it had good acting with the fear and pain and all, and it had a different look.
It stole its grimy washed out look from a million Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, and Tool videos, but I think this might have been the first flick to use it.
I'm probably wrong.

Watchable, anyway.
Only just.

One thing this particular film really does piss me off about, is um.."Texas Chainsaw Massacre", has been called 'Saw first by Joe Bob Briggs, and then, a decent chunk of fandom for as long as I can remember.
Now, when you say "Saw", the teenboppers instantly think this fuckin' franchise.
It's not right.
It's no way to treat an elder statesman.
Now I gotta call it "chainsaw".
It's only one extra syllable, but I can already feel it slowing me the fuck down.
The rhythm is all off.
You think the makers of this film care that they've damaged the vernacular?
Course not.
The callous arrogance of these people.

The history-

Basic cable.
Basic cable shows a lot of violence now though.
I think nowadays, the last taboos are "fuck", and the nude female form.
Even then, you can get away with side boob, and side cheek, and the tramp-stamp area just before the crack.
It's just nipples, actual crack, and camel toe left.
But I digress...

Saws 2 through 3D

The films-

A pile of Manwich shit that's been furiously wanked on.

From four onward, I kept marveling "4 of these fucking things!", "5 of these fucking things!", "6 of these fucking things! I live in a world where  you can't greenlight (insert dream project) but there are 6 fucking Saws!".
*Repeat last rant but with 7, and more exclamation points*

Y'know what I love though?
Jigsaw fucking died in 3, and the thing kept fucking going!
What, did they keep finding new tapes up his ass, and in his bladder, and behind his ears?
Boy, this guy really had a far reaching conspiracy running for a guy with only months to live.
I take years sometimes for a story to percolate in my head, and then I'm still winging it in the end.
This guy should have been handling budget and logistics at fucking NASA, we might have a Mars program now.
This series was implausible crap, is what I'm saying.
On top of being ugly, and witless.
If these parted you with your ticket money, you're everything that's wrong with America.
You, and the people that support every Jennifer Aniston/Julia Roberts rom-com.
Stop it.
You're killing art.
Stop it.

The history-

Basic cable marathon of 2 through...I think 5.

See above.
Kept trying to figure out what I was missing, or waiting for the next one to redeem it, but...there's nothing there.
Delightfully glad I didn't pay to see 'em.
Seriously, I hope those of you who did feel ripped off now.

Okay...let's not leave this decade totally un-vindicated....surely there was a horror franchise distinct to the times that wasn't completely irredeemable... about...

Resident Evil

The films-

Well...Romero these ones ain't, let's get that out of the way.

And...besides the presence of zombies, these are barely horror, more like Sci-Fi action.

Well, I'll cut right to it...they're cheesey as hell, but (to paraphrase Martin Landau's Bela Lugosi) Milla Jovovich is a honey.

I love how game she is for all this geeky SF shit.
She really is a nerd's dream girl.
And, she has more sequels under her belt than Bruce Campbell, if that don't make her the female Ash, WTF does?
Hey, I have snobbish tendancies, but I'm not a robot!

What, after suffering through the fuckin' Saws, you're gonna begrudge me some Milla?

Gotta admit, as video game flicks, they're sure as hell better than the Angelina Jolie Tomb Raiders.

And one reel of these easily has more plot to push than a Saw sequel.

And I repeat, Milla Jovovich is a honey.

I believe I've made my case, the defense rests.

The history-

Only seen the first, bits of two and three, read the Wiki summaries to fill in the gaps.
I'll gladly watch 'em all.
Especially after fucking Saw.
I'm right there.
Sign me up.

So there, that was the 00's, 10 years that came in a row....

Up next...Uncle Robert saves the day!!!

1 comment:

Diacanu said...

Update, seen all the Resident Evils up to 4.

Eh, not bad, definitely better than the Saws, and the storyline evolves, and gets better with each sequel.
Kinda gotta watch all of 'em as a series.

Never reaches the level of the Romero series, but um...yeah, you could do worse to kill boredom with.

And Milla is still a honey.
Seen her nudie,, no boobies.
Although, shoulda remembered that from "Fifth Element".

And hey, Paul W. Anderson also did the first "Alien vs. Predator", so, there's that link.

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