Thursday, December 15, 2011

Superhero Flicks, Part 19: Other Comic Films (Part 3)


Last one of these (part 1, 2), then I can hatch out some funner categories.


Sin City


The film-

From here...

Okay...Frank Miller may or may not be a fascist, and if he's not, I apologize for my prior rant.
And even if he is a fascist...I still love this flick, the book it came from, and "The Dark Knight Returns".

Hey, John Milius is a right-wing wacko, and I still like "Conan The Barbarian".

Mel Gibson though? Fuck him.

Forgot to tack on, after seeing this film, listening to the commentaries, watching the bonuses,...Robert Rodriguez, for my money, is a better director, and better human being than Quentin Tarantino.
He puts up with Tarantino, that's how much of a saint he is.

The history-

Tch...it really is such a shame about Miller.
(See here in 300)

(Christopher Hitchens voice)
Fascist crackpot! Fascist crackpot! Go away! Go away! Go! Away!


Surrogates


The film-

Wait, so....everyone interacts with remote control robot doubles, but then...someone starts hacking/breaking the robots...

But...if you're like, grocery shopping with your robot, are you immune to hunger, so that puts an end to the whole deal of making you go to the opposite end of the store for essentials, hoping you'll grab impulse buy shit along the way?

Or, do groceries just come by vacuum tube finally?

What about fucking?
If you fuck through your robot, it's the ultimate birth control, but, with everyone having a robot, how does anyone get pregnant?
Is there a vacuum tube for that?
You fuck a hole in the wall, and your jizz goes to a jizz-bank, and then a lonely lady humps a turkey baster that pops out of her wall, and she gets her "dose"?

And, with everyone fucking through robots, um...does anyone get married?
Seems like it would be one big guilt-free orgy to me.
Seems like it would be a continuous unbroken orgy, and all that stupid "work", stuff wouldn't get done.

Seems like some pretty draconian laws would have to come into place if they didn't want their stupid little robot factories to wind down.
Are there sentient robots in this world?
Do they keep it all going?
If not, why not?
If you can brain-plug, then you can download a mind, and if you can store a mind, you can cut-and-paste, and program something synthetic.
Is this shit explained?
Swept under the rug?

I don't see no orgies in the ads....seems like everyone walks around, and shops, and gets caught in car traffic, and does everyday boring human shit with these robots.
What's up with that?

Breaks down my vacuum tube theory.

Does the film sweat all these little details?

Or, as I suspect, is it just a hacky Bladerunner ripoff for gen-y kiddies?

Someone who's seen this, let me know.

The history-

Yeah, again, see my comment about "30 Days Of Night".
I really think I've got the handle on this recent crop of "films".


Wanted


The film-

This is the one with the whole stupid "bend the path of the bullet by whipping the gun around", deal.

I thought it was a piece of shit from the ads, I've seen it now, and it is a piece of shit.

Man, I've gotten good at nailing these.

I should trust my instincts about the all other ones I haven't seen.
Surprise, I did all along.

How do ya like that twist?

I didn't know this was a comic until I did the research for this thing.
So...that's even worse.
Not only did people go see this shitty thing, enough people bought the shitty comic to cause the marketing assholes to cause this thing to exist.
Hideous.

And what's with all these bland one word titles lately?

The history-

Cable.


Whiteout


The film-

Ah, we meet again, Whiteout.

Honey, go back to vampire killing in warmer climes, where we can see your ass wrapped in rubber.
That's a good girl.

The history-

See here.


Virus


The film-

Take one of the lackluster monster-movie episodes of Star Trek: TNG, drag it out an extra half hour to theatrical length, toss in Jamie Lee, count your money.

Damn, I'm good at this critic shit, and I don't even make you pay for it.
Which makes me lousy at this whole "America", thing.
Fuck it.

The history-

Cable.


Tank Girl



The film-

From here...

I had a weird crush on Lori Petty in this.
Eh, still had my 80's punk-rock girl fetish going on...
It's not a GREAT film or anything...but I enjoyed it.
You got Malcolm McDowell as a villain, that's always a plus.
Ice-T was a kangaroo man...
Rachel Talalay who directed and co-wrote "Freddy's Dead", directed this, she's pretty cool.
Just a fun flick that made me happy.
*Shrug*

Hey, at least my guilty pleasures have heart, and some laughs.

Where are they in an Angelina Jolie piece of shit?
Eh?
Damn right.

The history-

The above covers it.


Timecop


The film-

I liked the rendition of "time won't let me", in the end credits.

There are sequels. Who cares?

The history-

Sadly, I rented this back in the day. :(


Witchblade


The film-

A chick gets this "magic", ancient amulet that's really a piece of alien tech, that bonds with its user, and can grow into armor, and make weapons.

Think the Venom suit meets T-1000 with a teaspoon of Iron Man.

Nifty premise, pilot movie was boring as shit.

The history-

Cable.



Turok: Son of Stone



The film-

Um, shit, only recently discovered this even exists.

The history-

I know Jim Shooter keeps reviving this (the comic) through various companies, and it's got a devoted following.

Haven't heard this following go ga-ga about the film, or, I surely would've heard of it before a couple fuggin' days ago.

I'll draw my conclusions from that.
There has to be some filter there, or these movies would crush me.


Vampirella


The film-

Bah bah bah bah bow!!!

Vampirella psychadella!!

There's a certain cockle shell about yoooouuu!!

(Background singers)
Vampirella, vamp, vamp, -erella!!
Vampirella, vamp, vamp, -erella!!

(Back to me)
VAMPIREEELLAAAAA!!!!

Yeah, found out this one existed last night.
Now, the Vampirella fans are FAR more rabid than the Turok fans...so...I shoulda heard something.

This thing is buried in the same negative-zone as 90's Fantastic Four.

Roger Daltrey is the villain, huh?
Hmm...*thinks of seeing it*....no.

The history-

Years of seeing Vampirella's tits lovingly rendered as straining at her skimpy suits for...ever.

You're a dirty old man after my own heart, Forrey.

So, while we're on the horror track...


Tales From The Crypt


The film-

Yeah, there was a 70's version.
It happened.

Mnh, it's not so good...

Dull, as I recall.

The history-

Cable.


Vault of Horror


The film-

"Sequel", to Tales From The Crypt.

Haven't seen it, only just last night heard of it, but, if the schlock-meisters who did the first did this, then, ppppt!

The history-

N/A


Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight 


The film-

I really dig this one.

I put it up there with Creepshow.
Well, maybe not UP there, but, it's better than Creepshow 2.

Kicks all kinds of ass.
Fits into that whole "survival horror", deal with them stuck in a small house like in "Night of the Living Dead".

Jada Pinkett is smokin hot in this.

It turns Christian myth on its head, and I'm always up for that.

Yeah, fun ride.

The history-

Rented, bought.


Tales From The Crypt: Bordello of Blood


The film-

(Dennis Miller voice)
Your career is OVER, cha-cha!

The history-

Cable.


Tales From The Crypt Presents: Ritual


The film-

Straight to video, you never heard of it, they virtually snuck it out there...
It's gotta suck.

Is that....rasta Cryptkeeper?
Oh...*facepalm*

The history-

N/A
Wouldn't take the gift of it.


Weird Science


The film-

Veeeeeery loosely based on a comic.

The title is from an EC, it seems the rights were hard won, and the story is again, veeeeery loosely based on "made of the future".

But, come on, what do I gotta say here, it's Weird Science.

The history-

It's Weird Science!

This thing was in our bloodstream as kids right after Poltergeist, and Ghostbusters.

...if you're a gen-xer, that is...

There, that's those.
Some good ones in the mix that time.

Up next...Transformers!!


16 comments:

hyla2 said...

Did you ever read the 'Wanted' comic? Dunno if you're a Mark Millar fan or not.

In the comic they were supervillains, not assassins, who had secretly banded together and slain ALL of Earth's heroes decades ago, wiped EVERYONE'S memories of super-anything, except as comics and tv shows, and rule the world as a shadow government.

Fuggin magic assassins . . . Although, you can see why they went that way with it instead of with supers. You'd have to be a HUGE nerd to cotton to who even half of the characters were supposed to be spoofs of. Kingdom Come-itis.

Diacanu said...

Aahhh....wow, totally not the thing I watched n the TeeVee...

It's like if they started with Cujo, and ended up with the CareBears movie...

hyla2 said...

Yeah. Basically, Morgan Freeman is supposed to be (if I'm getting this right, as I avoided the movie like the plague) this character who, in the book, is basically Dr. Sivana/Lex Luthor, the kid they induct into the Fraternity is supposed to be the son of Deadshot/Deathstroke-guy, and Jolie's character is essentially Catwoman.

MUCH BETTER. And the 'rogue assassin' guy, I figure, is supposed to be 'Mr. Rictus', the book's Joker.

A fun read if you're in a black, amoral mood.

Diacanu said...

Well, if they had to butcher it up that much, well...I wouldn't have bothered, but the suits had to get their money back, I guess.

Do they even read this shit as they buy it up?

I don't think so, I think they see what hits Iron Man, Spider Man, Sin City, etc, etc, are, and they just whip out the checkbook.

Diacanu said...

Mr Rictus!?!?

Dammit!!

*Scratches that off my name list*

Fuckers!!!

hyla2 said...

Sorry, dude. They also had a Clayface-guy made out of human shit.

Classy stuff.

Diacanu said...

With very rare exception, the comics industry blurred past me in the 00's.

Mark Millar fan?
Mark Millar who?

*Looks him up*

Oh...The Authority guy...I heard that sucked.

hyla2 said...

Aw, The Authority was alright. And it was created (writer-wise) by Warren Ellis, the guy who created/wrote Transmetropolitan.

Millar came in later after Ellis left the book. He's also the writer of Kick Ass, and pretty much the guy at the spearhead of the start of the whole Marvel Ultimates thing.

Very love-or-hate kinda guy.

Diacanu said...

"Superman vs. The Elite", is supposed to be a middle finger to "The Authority".

I can't wait to see that.

I peeked at the comic, and without The Authority for reference, I don't know if the writer was kicking down straw-men or not.

Diacanu said...

Transmetropolitan...I got called the guy from that after a rant I posted at Jim Shooter.

Had to look it up.

Was grateful there was a comic reference to sop up my social-stupid. :P

Diacanu said...

Yeah, love-or-hate guys, lot of them in the business these days.

hyla2 said...

Yeah, I'm not a huge Millar fan. I do dig Ellis, though. Love Transmetropolitan. I recommends.

Diacanu said...

*Amazons checks*
Ah, dammit, it's another one of those with 8-plus volumes...

hyla2 said...

Yeah, but they're all skinny little suckers. Shouldn't be TOO crazy expensive, individually anyway.

I've actually only got the first three, myself.

Diacanu said...

Well...all right, goes on the list then...

JohnDeering20 said...

Hold up.

Hold up.

Article writer, you are WRONG about 70's Tales From the Crypt - you just haven't seen it in so many years, you watch it again and go "WTF. OMG. I can't believe how different it is watching it this year." It's one of the most mentally intense movies ever made - not to be quickly passed on.

Basically it's 5 short stories in one film - a better way of making a movie of a comic book, than the two 90's movies which only had one long story per movie.

Just look it up on YouTube alone and find the "Poetic Justice" segment. There's no blood, but it's the most mentally-piercing story. Except for the ending, the whole story could happen in real life, and all it is, is one man finding ways to pick on and hurt this old man, who hasn't even done anything to anyone. Watching it again, as an adult, you will forget the lack of action and find it to be one of the most difficult-to-forget-thinking-about movies.

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