Sunday, October 11, 2015

Fun Sized Movie Treats (Part 6)

"Ooo! Piece of candy!".
-James Woods.

Today, you get five in one.
Don't get excited though, cuz it's just...

The Godawful Hellraiser sequels.

Long before Clive Barker officially ruined the series in canon with his own ten typing fingers (see "The Scarlet Gospels"), he quietly sat back, and let others destroy it for him.
Who knew I'd end up missing those days?

From here.

I can't watch 'em.

If they get worse than Bloodline, I just can't fucking watch 'em.

And, apparently, they do, Rotten Tomatoes savages these ones.

I love Pinhead, I love Doug Bradley, I'm glad he kept getting pay-days off of this franchise, and if some suckers bought these, I hope they at least liked 'em.

I just will not be seeing them.

Well, that was 2011, and I held out for 4 years.
I marathon-ed 'em this summer.
I barely survived it, and needed antidote movies and recuperative bed rest after each one.

Jesus only suffered for two days, this shit took a week.
Am I saying I should be on necklaces, and constantly in your thoughts?
No, but shares and likes would be nice. ;-)

Here we go...

Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)
The old "the cop is the killer and doesn't know it", plot.
Pinhead shows up almost as a cameo.
Heartless cash grab, miserable movie.
Teenagers on IMDB like it. Fuck you, whippersnappers.

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)
Kirsty Cotton comes back, and she's evil and sucks now.
Fuck you, movie.
Also, again, Pinhead is practically a cameo.
There are people that consider this one of the better sequels.
Those people can wash my balls.

Hellraiser: Deader (2005)
Something about a cenobyte cult, Kari Wuhrer (from "Beastmaster 2", and MTV's "Remote Control") is the protagonist who gets sucked into the bullshit, and has to find a way out.
Her character doesn't matter, it's Kari Wuhrer.
Pinhead wanders in at the end for his cameo.
So boring, my brain barely absorbed it, there's only flickers.

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)
The Hellraiser movie universe gets made into an MMORPG, and "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory", style, a bunch of dummies win a trip to meet the maker of the game, and get bumped off.
Willie Wonka is played by Lance Henriksen, and he's the only one there (besides Doug Bradley) that can act.
Almost worth watching to see him.
Also, Pinhead makes his obligatory cameo at the end.

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)
Doug Bradley is replaced by a guy trying and failing to hide his pot belly.
Indescribably awful.
I thought the first four were boring and terrible, but this took it to a whole new level.
It's like bad Hellraiser fanfic written by a 12 year old, directed by his dad, but given a half-decent Hollywood trained director of photography, so a primal part of your brain thinks it's a real movie, but is perpetually confused by the rest of it.
One of those ones that's so bad, it reaches out of the screen, and beats you up.
Avoid this.

So, the only good things involving Pinhead were the first two movies, really.
And the Motorhead video makes me smile.
Three has good parts, but the bad is starting to creep in, four, good parts, but the balance tilts towards bad, then it falls right off a cliff after that.

And "Leviathan", was boring.

Then..."The Scarlet Gospels"...*cough*.........*cough*.....

So, yeah, first two movies.
Let's happily remember those.

It doesn't look like anything new and good from this series is going to come out in our lifetime.
A pity, the potential was there for such magnificence.
But, Barker fumbled it.

Candyman too.
But, that's a ramble for another day.

Next up, for God's sake, get out!!

1 comment:

B. D. said...

I haven't even seen the GOOD "Hellraiser" movies...

"Her character doesn't matter, it's Kari Wuhrer." TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN!!! (Also the name "Kari Wuhrer" screams "washed up 90s B-movie actress" pretty loudly doesn't it? I'm not going to look up if it's her real name)

"Doug Bradley is replaced by a fat guy trying and failing to hide his pot belly" - LOL.

Blog Archive