Tuesday, October 25, 2011

...and then, (Hollywood) horror started to blow.


So, with the Phantasms, that pretty much finishes off all the modern classic iconic monsters/slashers.
The ones with running franchises, anyway.

The 80's gave us all these great franchise killers/monsters that are the new immortal classic monsters in the pantheon of the Universal/Hammer monsters.
IMNSHO.
The 90's gave us...Ghost Face...and Gorton's Fisherman...*eye roll*

So...since I promised you guys out there I'd get through all the franchise slashers, let's power through this 90's shit, and get it over with...


Scream



The film-

S'alright.

Clever and original when you see it the first time, hasn't held up all that great for me.
Like the movie, hate what it did to horror.
Up to, and including, delaying "Freddy vs. Jason", cuz their brand of horror went out of fashion for a awhile.

Well, glad it was delayed, instead of them trying to Scream-ify Freddy/Jason.

They were gonna y'know.
There was a draft like that.
Blah.

The history-

Well, I wanted to plow Drew Barrymore back in the day.
I remember that pretty damned clearly. (mentioned it before here and here)
I could still vividly describe the porno in my head.
It would be better than the movies coming up next in this review, believe me.
Aaanyhoo..


Scream 2, 3, & 4


The films-

Turdballs.

Seen 2, it was an abortion, I hear 3 is worse, and 4 gets better than 3, III'm gonna pass, thanks.

I'll watch Hellraisers 5-8 before these.

The history-

N/A


So, that's those, we need more, and we're still in the 90's, so let's keep going.


I know what you did last summer (fuckin' all of 'em)



The films-

Remember when I said I hated what Scream did to horror?
Well, here we fuckin' go.

They kinda count to me as Scream spinoffs, cuz the first one is written by the same guy, it has the same tone, same look, same style, the same unrelatable underwear model kids you wanna smack around with a shovel, and it set the style for the other two, so he may as well have done 'em.

This style is pretty much what poisoned the Freddy Remake.
And as you know by now, that fills me with the hatred of a thousand suns.

Anyway, saw the first one of these, that was enough.

Third one went straight to DVD, that tells you enough.

The history-

N/A


And now, the 90's draw to a sad close with....


The Blair Witch Project (and the other one)


The films-

The first one, overrated as fuck.

Thanks, Harry Knowles, you sack of crap.

You see it that first time, it spooks ya a little, then, after that, PPPT.

The "sequel"?

Utter steaming pile of shit, and the glossy/glitzy style of it further poisoned horror by laying the seed for the hacky imitators that would churn out all that "Ghost House", shit in the 00's.

BTW, I'm not gonna fuckin' do those.
Did any of 'em produce the possible next Freddy or Jason?
Then, fuck off.
This is fuckin' Halloween we're coming up to, not a Zima and Redbull sipping party.
Fuckers.

Anyway, to steal a quote from a friend, "Blair Witch 2 remains one of the three or four least essential/necessary movies ever made".

Nailed it, Billdude.

The history-

I mentioned Harry Knowles, right? Okay.


So, aside from the odd gem that strayed from the herd, like a "Bride Of Chucky", horror was in dire straits.

But...it would only get worse...

Next, the 00's bring even MORE pain...

5 comments:

hyla2 said...

Shoot, I should've saved that email thread we ran up today for a comment thread, huh? (Or did you give away too many spoilers?)

But in the vein of series that got away (or were blocked out due to the traumatizing pain), so long as you're dealing with weak 90's horror, what about . . . the Final Destination series! Or does that categorize under '00's? I'm too lazy to check . . .

Diacanu said...

Final Destination didn't have a "Jason", did it?
It was sort of a de-personified force of death, wasn't it?
Anyway, fuck 'em, they're shit.

Diacanu said...

Aw, shit, I forgot to say in the main review how Blair Witch inspired all those shitty "Ghost Hunter", shows that are feces smeared across the channel dial.

Diacanu said...

And no, I didn't spoil anything in this one.

The next one though...but, fuck Saw.

hyla2 said...

Indeed. Never seen 'em, no plans to ever.

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