Also, also, Happy 20th birthday, World Wide Web!

Or, as we call it today, "the internet".

Behold, the first webpage.



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Oh, and also....

Amazon finally cut me my check.

So, there, I'm a paid author now. Transaction complete.

Ben Franklin was a self-publisher, and he got on our money.
So, anyone who thinks it's not "the real deal", because I didn't stand before some self-appointed Simon Cowell figure, can kiss my ass.

That whole "big house", thing was just a temporary sales model, and you're going to live to see it go the way of the dinosaur like Blockbuster Video, VHS tapes, and Malls.

And, to all the rotten people, who don't consider someone a lifeform until they're making green paper, and don't mind saying so, well, I've made my paper, so shut the fuck up now.
This is my work.


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Happy 4th anniversary, Iron Man!

See here, here, here, and here.

The one that got the whole ball rolling for the Avengers-verse.
A.K.A. "Marvel Cinematic Universe".


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Horror doc news.

"Invaluable", has a trailer, so, that's finally coming.




Then, the next one from the folks that did "Never Sleep Again", and "More Brains", is "Crystal Lake Memories", about the Friday franchise.

I'm...not a big Jason fan, but at the least, it'll be another crack at "Freddy vs. Jason", and these productions are top notch so far.

Course, they already DID a Jason one, but...they weren't given enough money to do it right, and it was only an hour and a half, and the framing/hosting stuff was lame, and the Freddy one was 4 hours, and the fans have been screaming for an upgrade ever since, so...they're getting it.

I've committed myself to getting every one they do from "Never Sleep Again", onward, so, I'm on board.

Still no word on "There Is No Jesse".


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Happy Arbor Day again!

Last year.


Geez, once again, nothing on the Google homepage.
And look at all the stupid obscure bullshit they DO celebrate for fuck's sake.

German expressionist painters no one's heard of, 18th century turd sculptors that died of syphilis infused madness.
Arbor day? Generic fucking logo.

And, it's the one holiday that's been quietly allowed to fall off the calender.
Who got bribed for that hit, huh?

We've got two nature-based holidays on offer, and we keep the one founded by a murderer.

Einstein? Darwin? Nothing.

An Italian racist murderer douchebag who's accomplishment has been debunked?

Oh yeah! Keep HIM on the calender! Forever!

If we lived in a country that made sense, reinstate Arbor Day, fucking get rid of the bigot and murderer holidays, and pepper the calender with scientists.
It would take a couple minutes to fill out the forms.
Nope, we don't live in that country.
Martin Luther King day took a fucking movement!

Shit, I shudder to think of the civil war it would take to get Andrew Jackson off the fucking twenty.
And he was a Nazi.
Seriously, Hitler admired the trail of tears.

So, I guess I'm saying this whole holiday thing is kind of goofy, when you look at it.
S'why I got no problem at all calling anniversaries of my favorite movies, and my own personal creative milestones holidays.

It's as good as anything else they've got up there.

Now, go hug a tree.

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That's IT?!!?!?

Couldn't squeeze out another "Miserable Movies", or "More Miserable Movies", cuz, these aren't miserable, so much as "ehhhh".

But, overrated, overhyped, overblown "ehhh".
Mystifyingly dumfoundingly overblown.

So...this is kind of part 3, but I couldn't give it that title in all honesty.


The Idiots (1998)

This is yet another one, like "Gummo", that got lumped in with fuckin' "Salo".

What the fuck is it with people badly comparing other shit with "Salo"?
Don't people have fucking eyes?

This time, it was Josh Martin from the Krazyfool/Jason-World days who linked those two.

He had this, and "Salo", as his top 2 grossout films.
I'm...not seeing it.
He must have been a sheltered lad, or something.
Or lying, to look cool.
I dunno.
Something.

So, plot is, some Eurotrash assholes pretend to be mentally retarded to make people uncomfortable, and like typical Eurotrash, they think it's clever, cuz they think every shitty thing they do is clever, and have all these bullshit philosophical excuses for it.

And that's it, it just goes on like that, and finally stops.

It's like watching Eurotrash "Jackass".
It's supposed to make you squirm, but I was just checking the clock.

The only "gross", part, is at one point they play with their food.
Big fucking deal.

There's a few scenes of nudity.
Big deal, there's porn out there, and we all have anatomy.

There's one part where they spontaneously decide to have a gang-bang.
There's a pile of parts, and three seconds of full-penetration.
Again, big deal, there's porn out there.

And that's it, 3 seconds of cock-in-pussy, and another 2 solid hours of boredom.
Not angry "Gummo", level boredom either, just regular dentist office boredom.

"That's it?!!?!? That was the big fuckin' deal?!?!".
My brain screamed.
Yeah, that's it.
And that's the theme of these.
"That's it?!?!?!", movies.

Okay, it pretends it's trying to have this deep message about rebelling against "Bourgeois middle-class values", with this retard-aping thing, and the group, in the final analysis, lacking the courage of their convictions in the end to stick with it, and live by it, and everyone goes back to their shitty boring little lives, and yadda yadda.

And the middle-class folk are indeed portrayed as mean, and ugly, and chickenshit in their conformity, but "the spassers", are no fucking bed of roses either.

Totally unimpressed.
Pretentious bullshit.
That's it, huh?
Hmph.


The Brown Bunny (2004)

Okay, so, this one, Roger Ebert said "was the worst film in the history of Cannes", to which Vincent Gallo (writer, director, star) retorted that Ebert was a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader", to which Ebert responded "one day I will be thin, but Vincent Gallo will always be the director of 'The Brown Bunny'", then Gallo said he put a hex upon Ebert's colon, to which Ebert responded that watching a video of his colonoscopy had been more entertaining than watching "The Brown Bunny".
And, the rivalry went on like that like a couple prima-donna wrestlers.

So, that's the hype.

Umm...it's boring art-house swill, but the worst in the history of Cannes?
Fucking impossible.

Wasn't even the worst movie I saw THIS WEEK.

Okay, so, the REAL hooplah over this one, is Chloe Sevigny performs a real blowjob on Gallo.
Whippidy dee!

Again I say, there's porn out there.

I've heard the blowjob justified as "daring", and "revealing", and "bold", because character emotion comes through during the act.
Okay, Sevigny makes whimpering grunts like she's a baby sucking a ba-ba.
Yay.
Give her a Golden-fucking-Globe.
*Eyeroll*.

A mediocre blowjob with an hour and a half of boring bullshit in front of it.

That being, Gallo driving around, picking up girls, doing nothing with them, telling them to go away, moping, and driving some more.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
I did some fast forwarding to get through it all sane.

Nope, sorry, "Gummo", is still worse.
This was just a big paper sack full of air and nothing.
Left no impact on me at all.
Just drained away an hour and a half of my life.
Okay, less, cuz I fast-forwarded.
And multi-tasked between the player and my browsing.


Funky-Forest: The First Contact (2005)

Okay, this one wasn't hyped so much, as I really wanted to like it, and was let down.

It was almost a case of false advertising, but not really.

Okay, Youtube is fucked up right now, so I'll do it as links...

Clip 1.

Clip 2.

Clip 3.

Clip 4.

So, it looks like a fucked up weird twisted movie, right?
Right up my alley, I'd love to see 2 more hours of stuff that fucked up.

Well, guess what, you don't get it.
Nope, the other 2 AND A HALF HOURS are pure crap.

No grossout, no nothing.
Those are all the good parts.
The rest...is like really bad "Kids In The Hall", sketches stitched together like a Monty Python movie.
And some lame musical/dance numbers.
I dunno, maybe it's the Japanese cultural difference, but, I never laughed, except when those sick parts came back on.
And it's a miserable trudge to get to them.

As a whole movie, blah.

But, it's not quite false advertising, cuz, the film didn't advertise, Youtube-ers did.
It's not the movie's fault.

Still, I was left with an unsatisfied "that's was it??", feeling.
Enjoy those clips, and avoid the rest of the movie like a plague.


Eraserhead (1977)

I always keep seeing this one lumped in with "Pink Flamingos", and, I can see its influence in a lot of other things, and you'd think I would like something like this, but....it didn't do a damned thing for me.

I thought "Twin Peaks", was overrated boring swill too.

I mean, this has a couple interesting images, but overall...ehh.
Seen better.
Even the stuff it influenced was better.


Basic Instinct (1992)

More typewriter diarrhea from Joe muthafuckin' Eszterhas.

See "Showgirls".
Well..don't see it, see my review.

This has got to be one of the most overhyped fucking movies ever.
This, "Pretty Woman", "Home Alone", the early 90's were some outrageous years for acting like utter sewage was sent from Jesus on a flying gold limo.

Anyone else remember those shitty Cinemax Friday night movies with Shannon Tweed, where she jiggled her tits, and solved a lame murder mystery out of Scooby-Doo?

This is just like that.
Nothing at all separates it as anything more special than that.
Nothing.
It's utter shit.
But it's not even "omigawd, I can't believe what shit this is!!", type of shit.
Just..ehhh.

Just lame Cinemax pseudo-sleaze for puritan wimps scared of real porno.
The shocking thing, is how it made it to fucking theater screens, and people pretended it was a real movie.

I rented it, watched it once, and said "...that's all???".

People acted like it was the filth of all filth.
Where was the filth?
I squinted hard looking for it.
My dick didn't even move!!!

You're fucking stupid, America.


Boxing Helena (1993)

Okay, this one qualifies both as "that was it??!?!", and a miserable movie.

It could have just as easily gone into the last one, but I just plumb forgot.

So, this is from the daughter of David Lynch, and....the talent skipped a generation.

Another one that was "Omigawd!! So sick! So sick! I can't believe it!!", and....it was a bag of air and nothing.

Basic premise, a dude is obsessed with this chick, the titular Helena, captures her, cuts off her limbs, and keeps her in a box.

"Omigawd! So sick! So sick! Omigawd!".
Hey!
Simmer the fuck down!

Firstly, it's not shot like a horror movie at all, it's like a lame Lifetime movie.
Very girly in its style.
Like a bodice ripper.
The writing is absolutely fucking horrible.
Like a Lifetime movie, but several magnitudes clunkier.
The acting is painful.

And, the big THING of the title, of the movie, is almost incidental.
Almost a bored formality.
It's really about Julian Sands's character being this annoyingly whiny wimp, and all his friends being disgusted with his whiny obsession with Helena, and Helena being this miserable unlikable ball-busting cunt with no redeeming value, and it drags on and on like this, and Julian Sands's character never ever snaps out of it, he just keeps whining, and whining, and whining.
Until finally, he does the deed, and captures Helena....and then whines at her some more.
And she busts his balls some more.
This feels like it goes on another fucking hour.

Finally, he turns her into a torso in a box.
But...it's not quite a box, it's more like a weird little throne in a shrine.
So, the title is a lie.
Unless by "boxing", they meant the verbal sparring.
There's not a drop of blood, she just wakes up a torso in a fancy piece of lingerie, the stumps tastefully covered over.
You can totally see where she's hiding her limbs.
They don't even do it cleverly.
Anyway then...she fucking falls in love with him!!!
And they fuck!!

Oh, and then it was all a dream.
Yeah, I feel obligated to spoil it.

"That was it?!!?".
That was it.

Yeah, everyone acted like this stupid thing was "The Human Centipede", or something.
Not even close.
Misses by a light year.
Even for its DAY it's fucking wimpy.
Garbage.


Pulp Fiction (1994)

Okay, it's got good parts, I kind of enjoy it, but it's got stupid parts, and unimpressive parts too.
And that annoying overly chatty Tarantino dialogue that always irks me.
Overall, just plain good.
I don't love it.
It's just all right.
Okay?
Can you deal with that?

But what it utterly fails at, is living up to the hype.

And the hype was fucking outlandish.
From critics, from fans, from everyone.
Scared me away from it for a fucking decade.
Seriously.

Okay, I get it, it was fuckin' 1994, and we'd just suffered through the wave of absolute utter shit, like (again) "Pretty Woman", and "Home Alone", and "Basic Instinct", and then this comes along, and is actually a fucking movie, and people were like "wow, where did THIS come from!?!?!".

Okay, you were trauma victims, I get it.
And now, it rides a wave of nostalgia.
It's eternal, and I'm going to have to gag that down.

But, seeing it for the first time in the 00's after all the other water that had gone under the bridge...it's just a movie, okay?
It wasn't Aphrodite spreading her pussylips, and shooting sunbeams out her snatch.
Get a grip.
Get a fucking grip.

Y'know what?
I liked "Sin City", better than this.
It had that same non-linear overlapping story structure, but I liked the characters better, and it had way more edge.
There it is.
I said it.

And while we're on overrated fuckin' Tarantino....


Kill Bill (2003-2004)

See here.


From Dusk Til Dawn (1996)

See here.


The Matrix Series (1999-2003)

See here.

Okay, THESE are more fucking overrated than "Basic Instinct".
By a good football field length.

Seriously?
These little pieces of candy being some fucking epoch?
Come on.

AICN has to be burnt to the ground for helping to hype both this, and "The Blair Witch Project".
Hipster douchebags the lot of ya.

And, that's those.

I think my safari  (started here) is finally done.

...I think.


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More Miserable Movies

Ayep, I knew I'd think of more.

Part 1.


Showgirls (1995)

Shit, I remembered "Ishtar", and not this one?

Joe Eszterhas needs his hands chopped off.
"Flashdance", "Showgirls", "Basic Instinct", "Jade", he's a war criminal.

So, Ebert was afraid "I Spit On Your Grave", would make men want to rape.

Nope, I love women, and I also love "I Spit On Your Grave".

But, this movie...well, not rape, but you'll be so sick of Liz Berkley's tits, you'll want to punch a tit.
Punch a tit right in its goofy unsuspecting nipple face.

There's a sentence that never existed on Earth before.
Thanks "Showgirls".
See what you've unleashed?


Battlefield Earth (2000)

What a flick to usher in the new millennium, eh?

Between this, the Tom Cruise meltdown, and the two dedicated South Park episodes in rotation, I really hope this has set $cientology back some.
I really do.
Couldn't happen to a nicer cult.

As for Travolta, he creeps me the fuck out, and I enjoy his death in "The Punisher".
It's one of the highlights.


Bugsy Malone (1976)

From here...

*Sneers*
Scott Baio, there's nothing good about what you do, or who you are.

I rest my case.
I rest....my case.

Garbage like this flew right through the greenlighting process, but it took almost 30 years for a "Dark Knight Returns", movie.
Feel the rage boil within you.
It's healthy, and natural.


Iron Warrior (1987)

It's Ator 3, actually.

See here for Ator.

My dad picked this one out.
Good gravy....
Yeah, he lost his picking privileges for awhile after this as I recall.

Sample quote...

Girl- What if you die?

Ator- Then, I will be dead.


Light Years (1988)

A.K.A "Gandahar".

So, the poster claims Isaac Asimov wrote it, and you've got Glenn Close, Bridget Fonda, Jennifer Grey, Christopher Plummer, Paul Shaffer, and Penn & Teller in the English voice cast.

And it's about genetically engineered mutants vs robots.
And it's got boobs.

Wouldn't YOU have eagerly grabbed it off the shelf?

Keep in mind, there was no internet, much less a Rotten Tomatoes to check it against.
It's early 90's, and just you, and your gut.
You'd grab it.

So, don't give me no bullshit.

Anyhoo, Asimov only adapted the American dub script, but that's enough for a writing credit, and that's enough to say it's "from", him.
Were you really that hard up for money Isaac?
Come on.

So, if I recall correctly, a blue guy with a mullet has to save his topless girlfriend from a giant talking brain that looks like the head of a dick.
Along the way, he meets some freaks who become his quest pals "Wizard Of Oz", style.

The dickbrain thing has armies of robots that are really hollow armor telekineticly controlled by little globs of the dickbrain.

It SOUNDS interesting, doesn't it?

Nope, somehow, they took these ideas, sucked out all the life, made the characters blander than "The Phantom Menace", paced it like "Gummo", or "Puppetmaster", gave it a score that sounds like a monkey on downers apathetically slapping a keyboard, and it's like watching fucking paint dry.

I showed it to Hyla and Spencer, and Spencer begged me to burn the tape.


Cool World (1992)

Kim Basinger was coming right off of "Batman", Brad Pitt's star was rising, Ralph Bakshi did "The Lord Of The Rings", what could possibly go wrong?

Fucking everything.
Ho-ly shit.

I saw it in the theater, it was empty, and my fondest memory was the gummi peaches I bought at the concession stand.

If cartoons were indeed real, like in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?", this thing would instigate cartoon racism.
We'd be having the 20th anniversary of the great riots.
It would have dwarfed 9/11.
It would be something we all referenced.
Bakshi would be cartoon Hitler.
Godwin's law would be about calling people Bakshi.

Yeah, it's that fucking awful.


Carnival Magic (1981)

I...can't describe this.

I mean, I can tell you the plot, but it doesn't really help....

A magician has become a drifter, and somewhere along the way, he's found this talking monkey.
It can only say a few short words, and only randomly, and it sounds like an old lady.

So, magician guy and the monkey stumble their way into a carnival.

Magician guy falls for one of the girls, and some other asshole is jealous, both of the relationship, and the monkey act, and wants to hurt the monkey.
I seem to recall the villain was rapey for the chick too.

This thing was allegedly for children, but it was chock full of heaving, sweaty, hairy sexuality.
No one knew what to do with the thing.
It vanished for ages.
TCM unearthed it a couple years ago.
Now it's got a Blu-Ray.

It's...bad...but fascinating.
Like "Troll 2".
You can't believe what you're fucking seeing.
Weird acting, weird looking actors, film stock that looks like it was from the 60's, it's like an alien planet.

I...saw it, and I still can't process it.
If you see it, you'll share in the dismay.
"What the fuck just happened?", you'll say.
And you'll be right.


Now, for a trilogy of shitty Robin Williams flicks...

Toys (1992)

There are movie insiders, the type who also call themselves "cineastes", the type with shitty names, like "Drew McWeeney", who will immediately knee-jerk, and spit out the pre-programmed sentence "but the original screenplay was genius!", like a fucking Terminator.

Fuuuuuuck yoooouuu.

See my closing potshot at "Bugsy Malone", it applies here too.

Also, there's a scene where they're riding golf carts over little artificial speedbump hill thingies, and this dumb bitch in the theater held her hands over her head, and went "wooo-wooo-woo-woo!!".

I remember that more clearly than the movie.
Lesser of two evils.


Patch Adams (1998)

Ohhh! *Clutches heart, flutters eyelashes*
The murdered girlfriend comes back as a butterfly!
Sob! Choke!

Fuck you.

"Faith Of The Heart", in the credits?

Fuck you.

People still go to Rod Stewart concerts after he took a check for that?

Fuck you.


Dead Poets Society (1989)

"Oh captain my captain!".

*Shotgun cock*
*BOOOM!!*

Honorable mention goes out to "Good Will Hunting".


One Magic Christmas (1985)

See here and here.

I'm this movie's fucking Captain Ahab.


The Projectionist (1971)

See here.


Lightspeed (2006)

See here and here.


Super Mario Bros. (1993)

See here.


It feels like I got 'em all, but there'll probably be more.

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Miserable movies.

Title says it all.


Gummo (1997)

I think this might be the worst fucking movie I've ever seen, and given the Hells I've deliberately subjected myself to, that's really fucking saying something.

Right off the bat, Harmony Korine can go fuck off and die in a fire, and all his pretentious douchebag fanboys can can go swallow molten silver and thrash around like a suffocating fish.

So, what this is, is a pseudo-documentary of two filthy little redneck kids that go around shooting cats with air rifles, and selling them to be butchered by a black guy who runs a Chinese restaurant.

Along the way, they meet other charming characters.

It's not "shocking", it's not "disturbing", it's not "challenging", it's pretentious, and fake, and class-snobbish, and petty, and mean, in that pathetic cowardly way that nerds like to be mean, and boring.

Holy fuck, is it booooooring.
I've never been this bored.
Not even at the fucking DMV.

I had to keep stopping the video to go listen to the stereo, or browse sites, or Facebook, or make a sandwich, ANYTHNG to scrub the punishing boredom of this piece of dogshit out of my head.

But, I kept soldiering on in 10 minute chunks, hoping something I would give a shit about would happen.
It never did.

It just ended.
A mentally retarded girl sings "Jesus loves me yes I know", over, and over, and over....and then, it's done.
The movie finally just stops.
It tires out of slapping you in the face, and just walks away.

There's no message, no through-line, no nothing.
A bunch of crap happens, and then it stops.
And....the crap doesn't even happen, because it's fake.
That's what's really galling, if this piece of shit were a real documentary of these dumb obnoxious kids, and the even more stupid and obnoxious adults in their lives, that would be one thing, but this is fiction, some asshole WROTE this fucking shit.

If this stupid thing "shocked", you, you're a moron.
A real fucking mental infant.
Or else, your life has been such a sheltered cushioned little playpen, the difference is negligible.
I grew up with the real thing this movie fakes.
These people were my neighbors and classmates.
I've SEEN this shit, okay?
The playing with dead animals, the cousin-fucking, the drug taking, all of it.
The real thing is more entertaining, they should have just done a real documentary.
It would have been cheaper, and easier.
Get out of my face with this pretentious, snotty, college boy, douchebag bullshit.

If you like this crap, you're an enemy.
It's as basic and primal as that.
You have no taste, and you have to get the fuck away from me.

Seriously though, don't even see this out of curiosity.
It doesn't even have the thrill of forbidden fruit, it just sucks.

Okay, that was my review, here's the backstory of how I encountered this dog turd.

The BloodyDisgusting.com review of "A Serbian Film".

Every fucking new horror DVD you buy now has a blurb from them.
They're the new ass you have to kiss in the industry.
Now, I thought these folks were supposed to be the new Fangoria.
I thought these were hip fucking people with cast-iron stomachs who could properly assess the fucking genre  on its own terms, without puritanical, constipated, whiny, WASP-y bullshit.

So, after seeing "A Serbian Film", for myself, I was naturally curious what they thought of it.

What an incredible puss this reviewer was.
It was like a time machine back to Ebert on his fucking "I Spit On Your Grave", crusade.
I couldn't believe what I was fucking reading.
This is the kind of shit you would expect from toilet paper for elementary school children like Entertainment Weekly, not BloodyDisgusting.
That's right, you heard me, I didn't stutter, Entertainment Weekly is a fucking rag.
A rag of the zombie zero establishment.
It's "E! News", on paper.
Fuck Stephen King for writing for that pamphlet.
May as well do Goofus and Gallant strips.
For shame, Unca' Stevie.
For shame.

Aaanyhoo, how it tied into "Gummo", was the snapper-headed trout-leg listed it among the most disturbing films he'd ever seen, to go on to say that "A Serbian Film", topped all of those.

Well....YEAH, but this worthless no-talent idiot had "Gummo", right next to fucking "Salo".

*Grabs your head and shakes it*
SALO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you hear what I'm fucking saying??

So, not knowing jack-shit about "Gummo", I figured "well, if this pussy was emotionally violated by it, it's probably GOOD, I ought not leave any stone unturned".
Because, I hadn't written my big "A Serbian Film", write-up yet.
I was going for a full-fledged sequel, not just the minor update it ended up being.
I wanted more sickie-flickies to throw into the cauldron.
Naturally.
Right?

Well, loop back to the top, and you can see what a crashing disappointment that was.
And, fuck BloodyDisgusting.
They're just another bought-out bland corporate entity, you're not gonna get reality nor balls out of them.
Apparently.


Kids (1995)

Directed by some other tedious asshole, but written by the same tedious asshole who wrote and directed "Gummo".

Critics everywhere sploodged out every last droplet of cream their balls had to offer all over this thing.
It was bukkakke.
I find critic-bukkakke more stomach churning than anything "A Serbian Film", has to offer, frankly.

I want every last one of them dead.
Of something horrible, that lingers, and costs a lot of money, and makes their children cry over their lost inheritance.

Okay, after "Gummo", I was curious, and checked it out, and only got 10-15 minutes in, and it was the exact same slow-paced, obnoxious, pretentious bullshit, with insufferable, miserable, stupid characters spouting annoying dialogue that no one would ever say.
Like "Gummo".
"Gummo", is "Kids II".
There is no difference.

I was NOT going to suffer for another 2 hours.
There's a fine line between endurance testing, and masochism, and that would have crossed it.
Nope.
*Click*

So, unable to review the whole thing, let's just mock some more critics.
*Dials up Rotten Tomatoes*

"Frightening, frank and serious, a wake-up call to the world".
-Some Risible Imbecile.

"There really are some kids who think like this, and these are the kids who should see this film".
-A Malingering Arm Dragging Numbskull.

"Kids shows what transpires when children are set adrift in a heartless world, and warns us what happens -- and is already happening -- in the absence of love and guidance".
-An Absolute Feckless Fucking Nitwit.

"In its candid and bold approach, Larry Clarke's controversial film dwarfs all of Hollywood's youth movies, crossing new boundaries in its portrayal of sex and drugs; for a change, real teenagers, not actors in their 20s, play the roles".
-A Clot Headed Ninny.

"Pedophilia, pedophilia, pedophilia".
-Another Tiresome Constipated Puritan.

"Overrated reality slop".
-The Only Real Adult In The Fucking Room.
(Congratulations!).

Yeah, now you know what that drivel looks like through my eyes.
Always did.


Ishtar (1987)

Not even "so bad, it's good", bad, it's an endurance trial to get through it.
That's what all these are.
An ordeal.
Even bad movies can be fun, these aren't.
They're just harrowing.

Now, everyone rags on "Ishtar", but too bad.
Ignoring it because it's been done to death would be dishonest, and reverse-conformity.
No, sorry, this really blows, and has to be on this list for it to fucking mean anything.

It doesn't even live up to its legend of being supernaturally amazingly awful, like staring into the Ark Of The Covenant.
No, it's just not good.
On any level.

I haven't gotten through it.
I watched it with Hyla and Spencer, and we got 20 minutes in, and gave up.
I've never gone back to it.
I think TV played it once, I got a little further.
Another time, I caught the ending.
I've seen most of it in fits and starts, but getting through all of it straight through is a fucking chore.

I've seen dopey defenders of this thing be like "Herp! It's like a Hope and Crosby...", shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
Drip.

Family Guy does the Hope and Crosby thing with Brian and Stewie, and it's funny.
There is no excuse for this pile of excrement.
None.


Because I Said So (2007)

Cable just picked this up, and I think it was on just yesterday, and, I was writing something for this blog, and it was on TV, and I was listening to it, and just the dialog made me want to slaughter all the characters with a power tool.

That phony awful dialog that only comes out of the brains of hipster writers, and no one in real life ever says.
And if they did, you wouldn't be able to stop punching them until all your fingers snapped.
And even then some.

And that was just in the first 15 minutes of this piece of shit.
I could stand no more.

Here, have some samples to tear your hair out to.
Linky!

Now, let me just get this out of the way, I would totally fuck Diane Keaton.
No, not young, right now.
Oh, young too, but, yeah, Diane Keaton.
This second.
Every pose, every move.
Cowgirl, doggie, piledriver, everything.
EVERYTHING.
Eeeeeverything.
I'd lick up her armpit sweat.
Everything.
16 hours of sexual exploration.
I'd be getting that shit done.

But dammit, she can make some horrible fucking movies, and play some lame fucking characters.
And all right, she needs the money, and Hollywood hates older women, so she's gotta take the dregs she can get, I get that.
Fine.
Fiiiiine.

Those ugly realities don't make turds like this any less depressing.


For Your Consideration (2006)

Christopher Guest's "The Phantom Menace".
Don't listen to people that say it's merely "the least good of the bunch", it's a disaster.
A heartbreaking soul crushing fucking disaster.

And as the companion....


Brutal Massacre: A Comedy (2007)

I reeeeeaaallly wanted to like this one.

The idea is awesome, the cast is awesome.
It's a Chris Guest style movie, with all horror movie people, about making a horror movie.

Its got David Naughton (American Werewolf In London), Ellen Sandweiss (Evil Dead), Ken Foree (Dawn Of The Dead), Gunnar Hanson (Texas Chainsaw Massacre), and Brian O'Halloran (Clerks).

Doesn't just hearing that lineup make you fucking giddy?
It did me!

I wanted to love this soooo bad, and I can usually even get myself there if there's even a speck of good in it.

Nope, full of fail and AIDS.
Crushing.


Dick Tracy (1990)

See here.


Monkeybone (2001)

See here.


The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

See here.


Howard The Duck (1986)

See here.


S. Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale (2009)

See here, and here.


Inkubus (2011)

See here. 


There are probably more, but that's all I can think of for now....

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Happy Earth Day Again!!

Last year.

The only holiday created by a murderer.

As opposed to the ones created by bureaucrats to honor murderers.


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Bargain Bin Bounty Three!

Part 1.
Part 2.

Yep, here's some more.

Okay, not from Wal-Mart's bargain bin, but from Amazon for about two bucks a pop...


Horror Collection: 6 movie pack.

Yeah, I'm obsessed with pulling the slot machine lever on these multi-flick packs now.
So, let's crack this one open.

Blood Diner.

This is the one I got the whole set for, and it did not disappoint.
Blood, guts, tits, puke, it's a fucking blast.

So, these two kids see their psychopathic uncle get gunned down by the police, then they grow up, and dig up his corpse, and put his brain in a jar, and animate it with a spell, and then the talking brain bosses them around, and they open up a diner, and kill people, and serve the human meat to their customers, and assemble the parts of female victims into an idealized body for their eons-old cult goddess to possess, and, it's all as wacky as it sounds.

I loved it.
Total Troma-esque, total Garbage Pail Kids and Madballs sense of humor, took me right back to what I loved best about the 80's.

Always saw this on the shelves at Nicely's and I always passed it by.
Tch...well, that's fixed now.

Yeah, these 2,4,6,8,10 packs take me back to the good old days of the bargain bins at Shady Dave's flea market.
This is the next incarnation of that.
I'm loving it.

Anyway "Blood Diner", best one of the set, hands down.
Consider the rest bonus features.

Continuing along in the order I watched them...

Parents.

Like "Blood Diner", I always saw this at Nicely's too.
Always wanted to see it, and was always prevented somehow, and I just gave up.

Plus, Ebert said it sucked, and back then, he still held sway with me.

Okay, the IDEA of it is better than the execution.
A kid thinks his parents are creepy, and gradually susses out that they're cannibals.
Randy Quaid is the dad.

Okay, if you were a psychopathic cannibal couple, and you had a kid, wouldn't you...I dunno initiate him right into the cannibalism, and brainwash him into that it was acceptable (like, say, the Sawyer family), instead of hiding the cannibalism, and trying to act like he was a normal kid with a normal life, and THEN, when he's like 10 or so, starting acting all weird, and creepy, and suspicious about it, and acting like certain knowledge was forbidden, and places in the house were forbidden, like the villain in a Grimm fairy tale?

Well, the latter is what these two doofuses do.

Anyway, it's set in the "Leave It To Beaver", suburban 50's, and Randy Quaid's character works at some Military Industrial Complex lab making horrifying poisons, so...this was really just baby boomers saying "we hate our parents", for the zillionth time.

Yawn.

Glad I've finally seen it though.
Curiosity is satisfied.

Sundown: The Vampire In Retreat.

Okay, so when I first looked this up when I considered buying the set, I was like "Holy shit! A vampire hunter flick with Bruce Campbell, and David Carradine, and somehow I never heard of it?!?!?! How the fuck did THAT happen?!?!".

Ssss....ehhh...

Stinkah-winkah is how it happened.

Okay, every single film in this set held my attention, and gave me entertainment on some level, so, it didn't SUCK suck, but...y'know, I wouldn't go out of my way to see this when I've got so many better choices.

Um...it's weird, hard to describe, it's like....if it weren't for the one decapitation, and all the bullet wounds, this could almost be G-rated.
It's very cutesie and precious.
Kind of on the level of "Love At First Bite".
Just, not as clever.

Do NOT expect Campbell to be Ash in this, he's a bumbling nerd, and not very funny.

Okay, anyway, the plot is, a bunch of vampires create their own town in the American southwest, and use sunblock and sunglasses to walk in the day, and have a factory that makes synthetic blood to feed their cravings.

The town is founded by David Carradine's character, and a secret splinter group of vampires in the town wants to go back to the old ways of hunting humans. This will later escalate into a revolt.
In the midst of all this, arrives the ostensible protagonist, who comes with his family in tow, because he's got the job opportunity of fixing their blood substitute factory, oblivious that it's a food source for peaceful vampires.

Bruce Campbell's character's got no reason to be there, he just is.
He's a Van Helsing descendant, and just wants to hunt vampires, but he's a flop at it.
He's pretty useless.
He's there to trick you into watching this.

Anyway, the revolt happens, and it's a wild west shootout (with wooden bullets to act as mini stakes), hence the presence of Carradine, cuz of his western bona-fides.

Fuck it, I'll spoil it, Carradine turns out to be Dracula under an assumed name.

So, dammit, this should have gone into Dracula-thon.

Actually, looking at the old box-art from 1990, this was on the Nicely's shelves too, and my eyes always passed over it.
Never even picked it up.
Whelp, now I got it whether I want it or not...

Only watch this if you're an obsessive Bruce Campbell completist.
...or, you buy this set, and want your money's worth.

Fido

So, the next two are from the 00's.

In the universe of this one, the zombie apocalypse of the Romero dead flicks (see here and here) has come and gone, and humanity is rebuilding.
Everyone now lives in these walled off neo-50's suburbs (geez, what's with this neo-50's shit? "Parents", this, "Blood Diner", had sock-hop music playing...).

Also, the military has invented control collars that make zombies docile, so, everyone owns a zombie servant.

Thus, the stage is set for the misadventures of Fido, the titular zombie of the piece.

Another of those ones like "Aaah! Zombies!", where there's no real twists and turns, you just see the premise play out to its natural conclusion.
"What if this?".
"Yep, that's what it would look like".

And, if not for the flesh eating, this could have been G-rated.
Like "Sundown".
Very cutesie and sentimental.
The presence of the zombies and their inherently dangerous nature is the only thing that keeps jarring you that any irony is intended.

I thought it was *wavey hand* meh.

But, I'd gladly marathon all of these again over regular-ass boring-ass TV.
They're better than that by leaps.
And, I'd watch "Fido", and/or "Sundown", in a continuous loop rather than the fucking Puppetmasters.
This set is better than those without breaking a sweat.

Anyway, I see what this was going for satire wise, every zombie-war movie it's like "We'll rebuild! We'll rebuild!", but this is what you'd get; fucking white people, and their suburban sprawl, and conformity, and social climbing, and a new kind of slavery, and, yuck.
All that shit all over again.
And you see seeds of it in the Romero flicks, this just plays it through all the way.
But, execution wise, it's as I said, cutesie.
It entertained though.
Just not a 5 star fave is all.

Boy Eats Girl.

Irish "Shaun Of The Dead", pretty much.

Another 00's one.
So, a dude (mistakenly, as it turns out) thinks he's been cheated on by his girl, plays around with a noose, and accidentally hangs himself, and gets resurrected by his mother via a magic book, and he starts normal at first, but gradually starts to go zombie.

He infects his bully, who starts infecting everyone else, and mayhem ensues.

Eh, it's all right.
It'll hold your attention for 90 minutes, the leads are likable, the villains are properly detestable, the gore is fairly well done, there's just no great quotable lines or nothin.

Its got a "little engine that could", spirit to it, so I respect it on that level if nothing else.

Earth Girls Are Easy.

See here.

Okay, what the fucking fuckety fuck is this one doing in the set??

It's not horror, shit, it's barely comedy.

As a film, abominable, as an 80's time capsule though, a bucket of ironic/nostalgic laughs.
I was right to save this for last.

Everyone in this became a star, except poor Julie Brown.
She was busting with talent, she deserved better.
Ah, well.
The world is an awful place, as attested to by the message some of these flicks.

Anyway, with the 80's/90's flicks on this, and the Puppetmasters, and the Freddys, and the Chuckys, and "Return Of The Living Dead", I've fairly well re-created the horror section of Nicely's.
There's a handful more to fill in, but I'm about there now.

So, that's that set.
Now, on to...


4 film favorites: Vampires Collection.

The Lost Boys.

See here, and here.

Got the whole set for this one.
The rest are bonus.

Lost Boys: The Tribe.

A total rehash of the plot and structure of the first one.
Watchable, held my interest, was better than all 9 Puppetmasters put together.
Better than "S. Darko", by a Hulk sized leap.

A B-movie for sure, but an okay one.

Only glaring flaw, not enough Corey Feldman.
If you're gonna have this thing exist for 80's nostalgia, have your nostalgia star front and center.

Lost Boys: The Thirst

Better than "The Tribe", but that's not saying much.

Corey is the star, and should've been in the other one.

The girl, Casey B. Dolan, is a total cutie, I'd totally like to see more of her.

I watched "Tribe", and "Thirst", first, because, y'know, watch the ones you haven't seen first.
Then, I went back to the original, and...it's only 80's nostalgia that makes you think it's better, these are actually up to par.

I liked the delightful twist of who the head vampire of all head vampires turns out to be.
Given the series title, it should have been a no-brainer from the get-go.

Yeah, I enjoyed these.
They are what they are.

Queen Of The Damned

See here.

Bonuses are nice.
Commentary, documentaries, the Lestat music videos, everything you'd expect, and be pissed if you didn't get.

And, that's that set.
On to....


Rocky Balboa.

See here, and here.

To go with the I-IV set.
Natch.

I think this one might actually be my favorite of the Rockys.


Taxi Driver.

From here.

Finally saw this 5 years ago, fucking great.
Holy shit.
Where was this all my life?
Everyone quotes the goddamned mirror scene to death, but all of it is so fucking great, that dumb little quote doesn't do it justice.
Fuck hipster quoters who don't even see the flick.
Ruiners of life.
See this fucking movie.
If you like stuff like Sin City, and Punisher, and Dexter, see this fucking movie.
Do it!

Grabbed this one at the grocery store, actually.


Final Fantasy: Advent Children.

See here.

Sooo...I've finally seen it now, and....eh.

Turns out, you don't need to have played the game, there's a little documentary thingy that catches you up.

Well...what can I say?
It's like watching someone play a game.
But, it was made by the guys who do the game cut-scenes, so, there you go....

The way fandom was creaming over this, I was expecting the Moby Dick of game movies, or something.

It was pretty, and stuff blew up good.
And the "One Winged Angel", song featured prominently.
It has that going for it.

All right, I'll give it this, I liked it better than "Avatar".

As an anime, though, stuff like "Cowboy Bebop", and "Ghost In The Shell", eats its fucking lunch.

Well, y'know, if I had grown up on Final Fantasy 7, this probably would have been like Lost Boys sequels to me.
So, I'll give you fanboys a bit of a break.

Anyway, this is another one I grabbed at the grocery store, as is the next....


The Artist.

Yeah, wow, this one is really delayed.
I got/watched this one way back on September 26th.

I wanted to do a thing on it then, but I had soooo much crap on my list to get out of the way on the ramp-up to Halloween.
It just got lost in the shuffle, and forgotten.

But, I finally got breathing room to dig 'er back out.

So, yeah, this was great, it deserved its Oscars.
Bonuses are nice, but I would've liked a commentary.
I can see why they didn't do one, talking, even in commentary, over a silent pic would ruin the...thing.

I got this sight unseen totally one Hyla's Recommendation.

See his rant here.
It does a better job of gushing for this one.
I'm...not a gushy guy.
My emotion chip is broken.

And, that's those.

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