SCHLOCK!!

These were lost, buried deep at the back of my mind where I couldn't get at them during Christmas.

Probably, because they're SCHLOCK!
And man....I put up some junky, clunky, fucking movies in those reviews, so...these are...these are special.

This is about as bad as it gets, folks.
But...they're superhero-ey, so...in they go.....

All right, let's just put on the galoshes, and wade in....


The Projectionist

The film-

"Introducing Rodney Dangerfield"!!

Thaaat's right, if you're an obsessive Rodney fan, and you've got everything, including his "rapping Rodney", video...you gotta get this baby too.
There is no escape.

The story, a shlubby projectionist gets bored with his job, and starts daydreaming of being a superhero in an old black and white serial.

My guess is, they went with serials, cuz this thing has no fuckin' budget.

The flick occasionally goes meta with the guy at the fake premiere of this very movie, and other such divergences.

Rodney is the shlub's dickhead boss, and the mustache twirling villain in his fantasies.

The protagonist never experiences any sort of victory, or change, or anything, the thing just sorta happens.

It's um...yeah, not so good.
Thinks it's smarter than it is, but it's just dull.
And depressing.
Everyone in it seems bored, and beaten down.
Meh.
Not even a good one for making fun of.

The history-

Found it buried under several boxes at Shady Dave's.

Kept threatening to subject Hyla and Spencer to a double feature of this, and "Bloody Mama", if they didn't behave.
I didn't actually have "Bloody Mama", but...I knew where to get it.

"Horror Express", would have made an adequate substitute, I suppose.

I can reveal now, the threats were empty.
They probably knew that though.

I wouldn't even subject an Al-Queda operative to that.


The Exterminator

The film-

Imagine Punisher, but with a skeezy-ass budget of, say "Death Wish", and a cast of nobodies, and directed by nobody, and written by a guy who I hope has pneumonia right now.

Well, at least he runs a guy through a meat grinder, that's kinda cool...
..although, we don't get to see it.
Riki-Oh let us see it.
Riki-Oh was a good movie, that cared about us.
Not Exterminator.
Exterminator poops on your morning cereal, and likes it if you cry.
*Sulk face*

The history-

Another Shady Dave's special.


Exterminator 2

The film-

Yeah, they fuckin' made another one.

I've skimmed reviews, and...a lot of 'em said it was a letdown after the first one.

REALLY??

REEAAALLYY???

...ooo...kayyy...

So, yeah, they managed to make this even worse, and...there are people on this Earth saddened by that...that had dashed expectations...

*Head shake*

The history-

Shady Dave's had a shitload of copies of this, like, enough to literally fill a pickup truck, and every last one, the box was beaten to fucking fuzzy pulp.

They were almost literally giving the things away.
I was never a taker.
And I brought home "The Projectionist".


Robot Ninja

The film-

I've never worked up the nerve to sit through this turkey, but, the consensus of the brave souls who have, seems to be that this is the second worst thing made by human beings.
The first, being The Holocaust.

Like, seriously, look at the IMDB reviews, this thing has ruined lives!!

Anyway, the only "star", in this, is a walk-in cameo by Burt Ward.

The history-

Nicely's always had this sitting on the shelf, but...there was always something better to see...always dodged this bullet.

Didn't dodge XTRO though...put both barrels of that one right in my face....I shouldn't be alive...


Hologram Man

The film-

Imagine "Lawnmower Man", but with worse science, effects that would make SyFy wince with pity, and a script by a sixth grader.

Then, realize, William Sanderson from "Bladerunner", is in it, and sob softly into your hands for a half hour, while rocking back and forth.

The history-

Nicely's rental.
Couldn't tell ya why.
Looking for the next Toxie, I dunno.
Don't know 'til ya try.
Although, by that logic, I shoulda rented "Robot Ninja".
I don't know...I don't know what I was going through....


Stan Lee's Lightspeed

The film/history-

See here.

Yeah, it's a repeat, but it really is the worst fucking one I've ever seen, and belongs in this category.

If "Robot Ninja", is worse than this, I really don't think I'd survive it.


Up next, out with the bad schlock, in with the good schlock!!