Superhero Flicks, Part 18: Other Comic Films (Part 2)

More of what I did last time.

Here we go...



Red Sonja

The film-

Brigitte Nielsen when she was cute.

Arnold as "Kalidor", cuz he couldn't be Conan, cuz in this point in the Hyborean timeline, Conan isn't born yet.

Sandahl Bergman as the evil Queen Gedren.

Mmm, Sandahl....*cartoon hearts*

Eh, this one is alright.
A rainy day movie, not a favorite.

The history-

Wow...did Neilson ever end up a trainwreck for awhile there....

That's what everyone thinks of now, innit?
Least she seems to have pulled up out of it before she became another Anna Nichole.


Sheena

The film-

Sheena is, a punk rocker, Sheena is, a punk rocker, Sheena is, a punk rocker now.
A punk, punk.
A punk rocker.
A punk, punk.
A punk rocker.

Okay, stop that, me.

The history-

Uuum, I don't remember much of this now, but I remember loving it as a kid, cuz, it got pretty damned nudie for a PG movie.
PG-13 hadn't quite come around yet, I guess.

So...despite my folks reservations, I got to see the thing.
Lots.
Heeheee!

Robert Crumb tells the story in "Crumb", of the 50's version of Sheena ushering him into pubery as well.

Dammit, we need a Sheena every 15-20 years for the kids, they've missed the last 2 generations.
I weep for you, children.

Yeah, you got internet porn, but it's just not the same.
There's no romantic adventure.
There's no tease.
And when they say those knuckleheads are amateur, boy, are they.
I've seen dogs hump better.

Aaanyhoo....



Men In Black

The film-

Eh, s'cute.
Strikingly similar to Ghostbusters, but...if we're gonna have a goddamned 25-30 year dry spell of Ghostbusters, this will do in a pinch.

The history-

Dammit, I can't think of this without the theme song ear-worming on me....


Men In Black II

The film-

Not as good.

The history-

N/A


Judge Dredd

The film-

Meh.

The history-

Critics turned themselves inside out to hate this thing.
It was fucking ridiculous.

It's not extraordinarily bad, I mean, it's bad, but, I can sit through the fucking thing.
There's movies on this list so far, that are punishingly awful.
That beat you the fuck up, and leave you on the floor moaning.

I've seen WAY worse than this.

So, why did critics lose their fucking shit?
Cuz they just don't like Stallone.
Why don't they like Stallone?
Cuz, fuck them, that's why.
Professional critics are a bunch of bitchy little high school girls.
They spitefully fucking pick people to hate.

And vice versa.
I think Robert Downey Jr has made his share of horrible movies, ditto Liam Neeson, but they get a free  pass.
It's a joke.
Fuck off, critics.
In the internet age, who the fuck needs you, anyway?
We, the people, can all shoot the shit amongst ourselves what movies we like, and don't.
Critics are a whole social caste of humanity that could get toilet flushed, and I wouldn't miss them.
Seriously.
Wouldn't twitch an eyelash.


The Losers

The film-

Yeah, this looks like the sort of shit AICN assholes stroke off to.

The history-

The same withering comment I made about "30 Days Of Night".

I'm willing to be wrong, but if I am, put your A-game in your trailers.
Show me something to make me give a shit.


RED

The film-

...I like the people in it, but...this just doesn't do it for me.

Straight action doesn't do it for me anymore, there's gotta be irony, or wit, or a tongue in cheek, and a wink...something.

If that stuff is in there...show me in the trailer.

All I'll remember, is the bullet shooting the bazooka rocket, and feeling insulted.

Guess I'm getting old, I dunno....

The history-

The above covers it.

And double-ditto what I said about "30 Days Of Night".



Painkiller Jane

The film-

Um, yeah, a chick with nano-biological regenerative invincibility, but she still feels the pain.

Harry Hembock with tits, basically.

They're all ripping him off a chunk at a time, it's starting to grate at me a little.
Especially since his copies are pale, and yet vastly more successful.
I could hack it if I were getting my ass handed to me by superior duelists, but, I'm not.

 Yes...it's long past time to step back into public life, and squoosh these fucking people.

The history-

The above covers it.


Monkeybone

The film-

Now, THIS is a movie to lose your fucking bitchy little minds over, critics.

THIS is an authentically minted piece of shit, complete with certificate.

There is nothing good here.
It's not funny, it's not cute, it's not endearing, it's not clever, it's not innovative, it's not visionary,  it's not anything it shamelessly tells you it is.
And anyone who said it was these things, is a sad dopey fucker.
Or, paid off.
Or both.
I'm looking at you again, Ain't It Cool News.
I'd like to beat you all individually with a human femur until you lose a sense.

Someone has to pay for this.

Yes, this is what I call "punishingly awful".

You just feel BAD watching this.
Awkward, ashamed, crawly, out of sorts, kinda ill, bits of you cramp up on you involuntarily, and there's no escape from it, nothing comes along, and antidotes it.
You wait for a "good part", and more bad comes along, and punches you in the face.
The whole hour and a half process is literally a torture.

THAT, critic motherfuckers, is a BAD movie.

Recognize it next time, when you're crying about some fucking mildly unpleasing explosion-fest like Armageddon.
Learn to actually DO your fake jobs, assholes.
Don't make it so blatant you're part of a big fat fucking con.

The history-

N/A


Josie and the Pussycats

The film-

Um, it's not my cuppa chai, but, it is what it is, and it seems to succeed at what it is.

You can't say it fails at being a big screen update of a goofy-ass Archie-verse cartoon from the 70's.

Mission accomplished, folks.

Yes, I said Archie-verse, I never actually knew that until they popped up in the Archie/Turtles, and Archie/Punisher crossovers.

So, hey, besides being comics, they dance in the hero-verse too.

The history-

I...have faint memories of the cartoon...I seem to recall having a 'toon crush on the evil skunk-haired chick.

I was a Velma booster when it came to Scooby too...I've always been the oddball...


Richie Rich

The film-

Yeah, Macauley was a little punk when he was this age.
It came through onscreen in flicks like this.
Thankfully, he grew out of it.

And divorced his awful dad.

The history-

I remember the cartoon fairly clearly.
Had an omnibus edition of the comics too.

I was strangely fascinated with the robot maid, Irona.

In hindsight, that was some more budding sexuality.

Boy...I hope it was just a thing for redheads, and not a chrome fetish....


Sabrina The Teenage Witch

The film-

Haven't seen it.
It was the backdoor pilot for the show though, and I couldn't stand that.

I wouldn't kick Melissa Joan Hart out of bed for eating crackers though.

The history-

Yeah, this is Archie-verse too.

Apparently, she pops up in a crowd scene in Punisher/Archie.

It's disturbing to know this hacky treacle-y show theoretically co-exists with The Punisher.

I leave you to dwell on that...


Up next, one more batch of these.