Saturday, October 20, 2012

Werewolf-wingding (Part 3)

So, I did the biggies, Wolf-Man, (fame wise)  Howling, (quantity wise) now, the rest....

I Was A Teenage Werewolf (1957)

The film-

The companion to "I Was A Teenage Frankenstein".

Michael Landon is the titular Teenage Werewolf.

And...he's pretty fucking scary looking/acting for the time.

Stephen King had him be one of the forms of Pennywise, in "IT", so, it must have scared the hell out of him back in the day.

It's also safe to assume the whole teenage werewolf idea inspired "Teen Wolf", and the fake movie Michael Jackson and his girlfriend watch in "Thriller".

The history-

Have seen bits of it, not all the way through...

The Beast Must Die (1974)

The film-

A group of people are gathered together at a creepy castle, and then, some of them start to die, and they figure out that the culprit is a werewolf, and that it's one of them.

"Ten Little Indians", with a werewolf.
But then, "Alien", is "Ten Little Indians", with a Xenomorph.

Among the cast, are Peter Cushing, and a guy who looks/acts an awful lot like 70's comic book Blade.

Highly fucking recommended.
It oozes 70's, in a really cool way.

As you probably know, I mentioned this got ripped off as "Howling V".

The history-

I only recently accidentally stumbled onto the real title of this.
Luckily, for this review.
Saw it on TCM a couple Halloweens ago, and missed the title, and have been calling it "the one with Cushing, and Blade", in my head.

An American Werewolf In London (1981)

The film/history-

Title totally inspired by "Werewolf Of London".

Strip it down to its skeleton, it's pretty much an updating of "The Wolfman".

'Cept, y'know, a jillion times better.

John Landis came a long way up from "Schlock!".

An American Werewolf In Paris (1997)

The film-

An in-name-only "sequel", to the Landis flick.

It was a  bomb. 
Thank goodness.

Only bears mentioning, because it hearkens all the way back to the title of the first werewolf novel, and was an alternate title Landis considered if he couldn't shoot in England.

Other than that, fuck it.

The history-


Wolfen (1981)

The film-

A crime film where the culprits ultimately prove to be werewolves.

Adapted from another Whitley Strieber book, like "The Hunger".

No one knew he was gonna go UFO-batshit.

Sad, a lost talent...tch...

The history-

Mnh...doesn't ring any bells, every horror junkie I know prefers "American Werewolf". 
If there's a "Wolfen", cult, they made themselves as invisible in society as the titular creatures....

The Company Of Wolves (1984)

The film-

Directed by Neil Jordan, who would go on to do "Interview With The Vampire".

The Red Riding Hood story with werewolves, 28 years before that modern Twighlight-y piece of feces.

Eh...I finally saw this, and, it's pretty pretentious.
Like, Calvin Klein ad pretentious.

The history-

Why it sticks out in my mind, is the guy on the poster with the wolf snout coming out of his mouth.
That freaked the hell out of me as a kid.

Just that fucking poster!
Gave me nightmares.

Then, that transformation variation became a theme.
Off the top of my head, it popped up in the FOX "Werewolf", series, and an issue of Alan Moore Swamp Thing.

Anyway, that change is in there, but it's the only gory part, the rest is pretentious dreamy romance crap with a pose towards some sort of Freudian deconstruction of Grimm, or...something.

"'Little Red Riding Hood', is really about periods, and fucking! I went to college! I wrote a paper!".

Fuck off.
Fuck off, and die.

Silver Bullet (1985)

The film-

Adapted from Stephen King's "Cycle Of The Werewolf", which is one of my favorite werewolf stories ever, and does for werewolves what "Salem's Lot", did for vampires.

The movie is a pretty decent adaptation.

It pretty much nails the story in perfect detail...but this is just my hangup, the werewolf, for my money, doesn't look quite as cool as the Berni Wrightson illustrations in the book.

But, I can let it slide.

Anyway, as a character, this werewolf isn't a haunted guilty victim, like "Wolfman", or "American Werewolf".
He's a piece of shit, he enjoys it, he's scum.
He's the Jerry Dandridge of werewolves.

And, he's a fuckin' clergyman, so you know I get my jollies off of that. }B-)

Also, to top all of that off, you've got Gary Busey as a good guy.
And, you've got Corey Haim trying to even up the monster-killer scoreboard between Corey Feldman.

The history-

Seen it floating around various channels since it came out.
I think AMC still plays it.

Teen Wolf (1985)

The film-

A comedy redo of "I Was A Teenage Werewolf".

Eh, it's cute...hasn't stood the test of time.

Always hated the boring basketball game at the end.

Anyway, Michael J. Fox owned the world in this time period.
"Family Ties", "Teen Wolf", "Back To The Future", he could do no wrong.

Matter of fact, Fox was trapped shooting this thing while they were filming the Eric Stoltz version of "Back To The Future".

The history-

Saw it at the theater, it was all right.
Friends thought it was way funnier than I did.
Eh, my tastes have always been a bit off from the rest of the herd....

Teen Wolf Too (1987)

The film-


The same plot, and all the same jokes as the first one, except the sport is changed from basketball, to boxing.
And, the teen idol is changed to Justin Bateman.

The history-

My friend, Steve, dragged me to this thing.
I used to have the shirt button that came free with admission.
Pretty sure it rusted, and I tossed it.
Wonder if that woulda been worth somethin.
Probably not.
It's 80's...but it's fuckin' "Teen Wolf Too".

Werewolf (1987-1988)

The series/history-

Pretty much another redo of the whole Larry Talbot/Wolfman formula, structure-wise.

The guy gets a bloody pentagram on his hand before he changes.
In "Wolfman", Larry sees the pentagram as kind of projected on by moonlight.
That bit got forgotten in the sequels.
Got forgotten again after this show.

And...this show itself is pretty forgotten.
Don't even think there's a (non-bootleg) DVD.

Anyway, Larry Talbot could only pray to die, but this guy, he's hoping to cure himself by killing the one who bit him.
Here, "severing the bloodline", ends the curse.

Chuck Connors (from "The Rifleman") is that guy, and his change is the aforementioned "snout out the mouth", deal.
What, if you're a bad enough werewolf, your change is grosser?
How does that work?
I never got that.

Anyway, Chuck died of lung cancer during the time of this show, and...he looked like death in the damned thing.

Wolf (1994)

The film-

Critics raaaved about this thing, and I want them all dead.
Okay, death is a bit much, maybe.
A week of extreme genital discomfort.
Yes, that'll do.

Anyway, another pretentious one.

Here, werewolf-ism is an allegory for battling baby-boomer middle-age.
Shut up, boomers.
You fucking people never sucked up age with dignity, did you?

Pills, face-lifts, creams, dyes, botox....

I look at that generation, as the opposite in every way of what I plan to do.
I'm going to ENJOY being  a mean grizzled old bastard.
Just you watch.

Anyway, yeah, if boomers really could get a youth-boost with werewolf bites, in a salon type atmosphere, at an outrageous 3-4 digit price tag, they would fucking do it.
Yes, they would.

Ahem, back to the film...Nicholson performs well... 
...but, when doesn't he?
He made "About Schmidt", good.
He's Jack-fucking-Nicholson.

The history-

I dunno, SyFy, USA, one of those channels...

Project: Metalbeast (1995)

The film-

A government project captures a werewolf, and makes him a cyborg-werewolf.

Okay..I kinda ranted about this before in "Silico-sapiens", why is the government/military so evil, AND stupid in movies?

Repeatedly, we see this idea of making monsters into weapons throughout sci-fi/horror.

They're monsters, they're not going to fucking march in formation, or take orders!

If this were a good idea, why not make cannibal serial killers soldiers in Afghanistan?

It doesn't fucking work! 
They're psychopaths, by definition, they're only out for themselves, and their own sick jollies!'s been done!
The Nazis tried it!

Guess what?
Didn't work!
They did exactly what you'd think they would, they ran off, and played with themselves, and ate people's faces, and shit on doorsteps, and didn't take orders.

Now...a monster is like a psychopath, with claws, and fangs, and super-strength, and maybe some super-speed.
Yeah, that's gonna work.

Oh, and here, they've made the fucking werewolf bionic!

Eh, yeah, brilliant!
*Sarcastic thumbs up*

*Sigh* these movies are written by college-hippies.
Only explanation.

The history-

Nicely's had this, and either Hyla, or Spencer, always wanted to see it.
Could never tell if it was sincere interest, or post-modern snark.
I was always like "".

I dunno, maybe I just can't turn my brain off for "dumb fun"...maybe I'm a stick in the mud...I dunno.
Yeah, probably...

Werewolf (1996)

The film-

A guy finds a werewolf skull, and scratches himself with the tooth, and, that's all it takes.

MST3K did this one, and, pretty sure it was the newest movie they had ever done up until that point.

The history-

Yeah, do not watch this without the help of MST3K.

Ginger Snaps (2000)

The film-

Ties werewolf-ism to sex, and menstruation, but not prancingly pretentiously.

More like a John Hughes movie.
...with entrails.

Heard a lot of critical raves for this. you can see from the rest of this post (and numerous other posts), I don't trust those bastids.

The history-

Seen bits of it, gotta see it all the way through.

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004)

The film-

More of the same, the dead girl is back as a ghost/hallucination.

The history-


Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004)

The film-

The girls of the first two play their own ancestors in the 19th century.

Filmed back-to-back with part 2.

The history-


Dog Soldiers (2002)

The film-

Soldiers vs. werewolves.

Critics and fanboys alike dig this one, and, the poster compares it favorably to "Evil Dead".

Well...that's quite a bold claim...I must admit, I am intrigued....

Could it be true?
Could werewolf films finally have climbed out of the long, long, long slump?
Dare I dream?

The history-


Underworld series (2003-2012)

The films/history-

See here, and here.

Van Helsing (2004)

The film/history-

See here, here, and here.

Eh, maybe this should've went into the Wolfman entry, cuz, it is an homage to the Universal series...

Ah, well, it's in here now.
As long as it's in Werewolf-wingding.

Strippers vs Werewolves (2012)

The film/history-

So, that's it, that's werewolves in cinema.
Some classics, some turds.
Same as other sub-genres.

And, again, if you think I'm doing "Twilight", fuck off.

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