Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Best Of: I Love The 70's.

Yeah, I always wanted to trim the fluff off these...

Plus, no one fuckin' read 'em cuz they were so fuckin' long, so....

Original full version.

...and part 2.


The Jackson 5

Oh, man...y'know, it wasn't worth it.
I hope America sees that now.
The way Michael went out, that was pathetic.
It just wasn't worth it.
I'd gladly give back Thriller, ABC-123, the whole deal for him to be alive, and not crazy.
Poor bastid.
Fame, and his crazy old man fucking devoured him.
And his old man ain't sorry. His old man truly thinks the fame was worth it.
Well, the MONEY was worth it to him.
Just so his ass ain't gotta work.
Sunuvabitch oughtta be executed.

Wife swapping

Eww, 70's were groosss!


These lingered into the 80's.
Always seemed a stupid idea from the time I could form thoughts in my head.
I was teeny-tiny thinking they were dumb.
I love being an adult now, and knowing that I was right.
About everything.
Everything that seemed stupid, was stupid, and I can philosophically back it all up now.
Like, waterbeds.
Imagine you're fucking right?
How do you get purchase?
Got no leverage.
Nevermind springing leaks, sleep apnea, SIDS if you put a baby on one...
Boy, people are stupid.
The inventors of all this garbage need to be punched in the chops.

Easy Listening Music (specifically The Carpenters & Bread)

My folks were into this stuff.
Soundtrack of my early childhood.
Still wistful for some of it.

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

He was the man.
Sesame Street would get me all hyper, and Mister Rogers was the chill-pill.
Good show.
Never be another one like it.
It's all mind-rotting insulting toy commercial crap for kids now.
I pity them.

Hawaii Five-O

There's a remake of this on now.
No interest, looks like a million other slick cop shows.
As for the original, never saw it.
Although there is the story that my uncle used to say to my grandmother "you just like McGarret's carrot!".
Insert Beavis laugh, and we move along...

First floppy disk

I wish I could say I missed these, but, good riddance.
What a pain in the ass way to run a computer, swapping a million damned disks around like it was a damned stereo set.
Thank the gods of silicon valley for the fucking harddrive.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes

Oh, yeah, the really depressing one...
Still quality though.
Before the budgets went to shit.



Aw ghahhd!
People are fuckin' dumb.
They just are.

All in the Family

Archie! Meathead!
I gotta own this on DVD.
Gotta do it.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Game of death with Bruce Lee.
That's the sphere I know him from.
Don't give a damn 'bout sports.

H.R. Pufnstuf

H.R. Sucknfuck!!
He's the one who likes it rough!
*Evil cackle*

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

Masterpiece, still holds up.
Gene Wilder rules.
Roald Dahl was beautifully fucked up.

Billy Jack

Saw this in film history class.
Um...okay...so...peace loving hippies...need a karate-man white-half-indian to protect 'em?
Doesn't that as much admit pacifism doesn't work?
It boggles me every time I think of it.
And the song is burnt into my head along with WKRP.
It just won't leave.


Loved these as a kid.
Had a million of the little film disks for it.
They made 'em for everything.

Grateful Dead

Overrated as fuck, I'm sorry.
Not into jam-band shit.
Buncha tootling that goes on forever and ever.
Play a fucking chorus, ya bastids!
Play a fucking chorus, and bring it to a finale, so I can take a fucking piss!


Lol, the I-tunes of their day.


The Bermuda Triangle

It's methane.

"I Am Woman" and the Women's Liberation Movement

The Paul Lynde Show

America seriously didn't know he was gay?
Well...they bought pet rocks, and talked to fuckin' plants, so....

Alice Cooper

Y'know he got to hang out with Salvador Dali?
Son of a bitch.

Richard Pryor

A real original.
You gotta suffer these new young hacky black comedians saying how much they worship him, but they swim in his fuckin' wake.
There's no new Pryor coming.
I mean, Dave Chappelle does the edgy socio-political material he liked to do...but he dropped out of showbiz.
Kat williams does the deal of acting smooth, but then his material reveals his flaws, and foibles, and vulnerabilities, he does that well, and no one else is touching it.
So, they're both great, but, no one is Richard.
You only get one of those in a millenium.
Dammit, they always die on us too.


A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Loved all the Charlie Brown shit.
Still watch it sometimes out of nostalgia.

Live and Let Die (first James Bond outing for Roger Moore)

Roger Moore was my James Bond.
Could've done worse.
Some kids didn't even have a James Bond.
*Eyes the chasm that was the post-Dalton years*

Charlotte's Web

One of a litany of specials that made me bawl as a kid.

Shrinky Dinks

Worshipped this technology.

The Dating Game

Pabalum katering to the suppressed prurient impulses of whitebread middle-America.
How's that for snooty/sniffy, eh?
*Mean grin*

Match Game

Paul Lynde was on this, wasn't he?
Paul Lynde or glory?
You decide!
(See "Liberace")

Homosexuality no longer considered a mental disorder

Well, clearly the "Liberace or glory?", guy would never agree to that
(Again, see "Liberace")

Elvis: Aloha From Hawaii

Was this before, or during his descent into the jumpsuits period?
Y'know who talked him into the jumpsuits?
Liberace or glory?
(Again, see "Liberace")


Little House on the Prairie

Ugh, this lasted foooreeeveerrr.
And it's still on in reruns on like, 3 channels.

Hong Kong Phooey

*Nods with a smile*

Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama"

Not as good as free bird.
Good working music though.
Gets ya through shelf stocking and such.

Day of the week panties

People are dumb.

Blazing Saddles/Young Frankenstein

Put 'em in the Louvre.
I'm dead serious.

Magic 8 Ball

Okay, this silly little thing was never taken as seriously as Ouija, I think cuz it was an 8-ball.

An oversized componant of a sport that can't possibly function in that sport makes a humourous juxtoposition in the human brain for some reason.

Think of the wretched religions that could've been stopped if say, you had to wear an oversized catcher's mitt on your head.

Wouldn't have worked.

Or...maybe it would've.
Maybe Muslim fundementalists would take themselves just as humorlessly scary-seriously if they dressed up as Basketball mascots.
We'll never know.

Patty Hearst

Fuck her.

Electric Light Orchestra

Chico and the Man

Chicooooo doooon't get discouraaaaged...
...and shoot yourself.
Yeah, that theme takes on a chilling tone considering RL events...

So...because of necro nepotism, we had to put up with Freddie Prinz Jr's trainwreck of a career.

You're dumb, America.
Pet rock dumb.
Talkin' to plants dumb.
"Liberace or glory?", dumb.
Stop it.
Just stop it.

Burt Reynolds

Only good movies were Deliverance, and Boogie Nights.

And, here comes '75, and I finally exist.


Welcome Back, Kotter

Cought up on this on Nick at Nite.
Good show.
Predicted my pre-teens.

One Day at a Time

Hated it.
Liked Shnyder.
The broads needed a smacking.

Pet Rock

Once again, people are really fuckin' dumb.
Great googa mooga.


Didn't have one.
A friend did though.
I sucked at it.
Still do.
Have it on "Atari Museum".
Asteroids is more my game.
Not too shabby at Centipede either.

The Secret Life of Plants

....people are really, really, REALLY fucking dumb.
It's staggering.
Almost awe inspiring.

Saturday Night Live

Ahh, this is when the world really started to get good.
The 70's SNL, another masterpiece for the Louvre.

Erhard Seminars Training

Gawd, more cult crap.
People will believe any bullshit you just fucking make up.
Un-fucking believable.
Me and my pesky morals.
I could be rolling in it.


Once, I saw graffiti on a small storage barn that said "Liberace, or glory?".
Saw it every day on the ride to Sweetser.
It was up there for a fucking decade.
WTH did that mean?
Was Liberace an adjective?
I'm sure it was meant as some homophobic statement involving AIDS, but...how incoherant and obscure can you get?
And it was in big letters that covered a whole wall.
Some idiot thought that was clever enough to spend some time saying.
Well, I leave it for the reader to ponder.
Liberace, or glory?

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Source of one of my favorite songs.


Okay, I gotta get this out, Warren Beatty, male bimbo.
Can you point to any movie he was in that was one of the GREAT films?
All right, MAYBE Bonnie & Clyde.
Depends on the tilt you're looking at film history with.
Robert Redford's another one.
Overrated male bimbo.
Tired of hearing about these people in the same breath as people like Anthony Hopkins.



Ah, the novel/movie that put Stephen King on the map.
And yet he doesn't like it.
The book, that is.
He's just fucking wrong.
So there.
He's just fucking wrong about the Kubrick Shining too.
The limp-dicked Shining miniseries is empirical proof that he's wrong.
So there, you've got my clearinghouse King rant buried in this too.
Oh, and all his best books were on cocaine.
So, don't say coke never did any good.

Taxi Driver

Finally saw this 5 years ago, fucking great.
Holy shit.
Where was this all my life?
Everyone quotes the goddamned mirror scene to death, but all of it is so fucking great, that dumb little quote doesn't do it justice.
Fuck hipster quoters who don't even see the flick.
Ruiners of life.
See this fucking movie.
If you like stuff like Sin City, and Punisher, and Dexter, see this fucking movie.
Do it!

Starsky and Hutch

*Eye roll*
Okay, so one time, in my late teens, there was a marathon of this, and Spencer wanted us all to watch this all fucking day, and I didn't know how long it'd last, and I just faintly offered to maybe bring a movie from my collection as a backup in case,..I dunno, cable went out, or something, and Hyla's brother wanted me to, and I just started rattling off the top of my head what I had, and Ghostbusters was the first one, and he picked that, and we ended up watching Ghostbusters INSTEAD of Starsky and Hutch, and I could tell I had stepped on toes, and Spencer was huffy, cuz I ruined his little thing, but, clearly, no one else wanted to watch fucking Starsky and Hutch, and um...yeah.
So, tiny little things like that, probably resulted in tiny little acts of spite (in the bigger picture with everybody) that seemed inexplicable to me, because, those little moments of umbrage were things I had let go. I was oblivious.
I hate umbrage, if people have a problem with me, fucking say so, and hash it out with me, don't get all pissy, and commit treachery months later.
People suck.
Man, they suck.
And did I mention they're dumb?
"Liberace or glory?", dumb.
And Starsky and Hutch sucks.
I think Spencer would admit this, watching it was like, an irony hipster thing.
Screw that noise.
Goddamned 90's.
Ah, but we'll get to those....

Bigfoot/Loch Ness Monster


Captain Kangaroo

My main mayun.
Great show for kids.
Up there with Mr. Rogers.
Slim Goodbody spun off from this.
And Bill cosby did Picture-pages.
Happy times.


Beautiful, and depressing at the same time.
The depressing part is its prescience.
What a horrible world.

Paul McCartney/Wings

Y'know...I think we'd be looking back more fondly on "Sir Paul", if he were dead.
What we've got now is just an old geezer with an air of sniffy bored arrogance.
It'll be Ringo next though.

Freaky Friday

Jodie Foster or glory?
Oh, that's awful...


Wonder Woman

I called her "Tuts", for some reason.
Massive full on blushing boner crush on Linda Carter, even at two.
Her, n' Dolly Parton.
And Princess Leia, and Lois Lane.
But Tuts and Tits were at the top.


The ads for this horrified me as a kid.
There was always some goofy broad letting her kids saw their arms off out in the garage or something, while she relaxed in her magic bath.
Advertising hasn't gotten much better in 35 years.

The Kentucky Fried Movie

Plato's Retreat

Plato's retreat or glory?

The Deep and Orca

I remember seeing this on TV, and only seeing the killer whale die at the end, and me bawling, thinking it was real, and wanting justice.
Damned lucky I didn't end up a PETA activist.



Yep, changed my life.
With this, and Star Wars, I was a geek forevermore.

The Incredible Hulk

And this.
I actually met Lou Ferrigno at an autograph signing at a racetrack/civic center a few towns away...and I don't remember...dammit....I was too damned little.

Debbie Does Dallas

I tried to watch this online once.
It's like "football players fucking the cheerleaders right out of the gate? ...this isn't my fantasy, this is how shitty fucking high school was set up".
Turned it off after 5 minutes.
"Behind the green door", was some pretentious bullshit too.

Louise Brown

Oh, yeah, the first "test tube baby", that was like, an insult all through grade school.
Now, half of everybody is in-vitro, and no one cares.
Must've been some churchy bullshit that made this scary to people.


Eh, doesn't do it for me.
Maybe I gotta be a boomer?
But...new generations dig it too...
I dunno.
Maybe I had to like being a teenager, and I just plain didn't.

CB radios

The message boards of their day.
And my grandmother was the Diacanu of her day.
She hacked someone off enough once they cut her wires.
Yep, the first board banning in my family.
I'm a chip off the old block. :)


Had a lot of fun with this little electronic beeping box.
Tic tac toe, music maker, neat little gadget.


The Warriors

Waaariooorrss, come out and plaaaay-aaayyy!!!
Wow, I saw this 5 years or so ago, and it clearly inspired every side scrolling street fighting video game like Double Dragon, Final Fight, Narc, etc.
They even did a Warriors game fairly recently.
Very ahead of its time.
Jaw dropping in its prescience.
Very cool.

The Jerk

Tied with Holy Grail for funniest goddamned movie ever.

The Village People

Had no idea they were gay, or what gay even was.
I bounced on the bed singing "macho man", once with no sense of anything.

The Muppet Movie

Knocked my socks off, loooved the goddamn Muppets.
The part where Doc Hopper almost roasts Kermit's brain made me bawl though.
Damn, I was a tender kid then.

Rock 'n' Roll High School

Finally some real fuckin' rock n' roll after the siren song of submission for so long.
Your fault, boomers. 
Dunno what the fuck happened to ya.

The Amityville Horror

Based on a true story my ass.
They goddamned made it up like any Stephen King book.
They still lie this shamelessly, there's that new Anthony Hopkins possession flick out that says it really happened.

Well, Amityville's got Margot Kidder...that's somethin...

Oh, yeah, speaking of Margot Kidder, check out "some kind of hero", she plays a hooker who fucks the shit out of Richard Pryor, and you can see bits of her naked.
My childhood fantasy after all this time.
And that flick wouldn't even exist without Pryor.
Thank you, Richard.
You really were some kind of hero.

Disco Demolition Night

Well, the populace did turn against disco...maybe humanity CAN be redeemed...

McDonald's Happy Meals

Ahh, yes, a happy childhood memory, manufactured by a heartless corporation.
I'm conflicted, naturally.

So...yeah, pretty decent decade, a lot of awful bullshit, but...cinema at large was undergoing a revolution.
Not too shabby.

On to the 80's...

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