Happy New Year!

• 2012
• 2013

Ahhh, there, nailed it this time.
Unlike last year, where I was without internet for a week.

Um, okay, got 5 minutes to recap before the ball drops...

Post-Christmas reviews...

Flicks I've watched (Part 26)

That's it.

And, a lot happened this year.
Jade-Shade was born.
The Harry books turned a year old.
I saw 8 movies at the theater this summer.
Shmegalamonga turned 5.
Krazyfool's Den turned 14.
I turned 38.
I completed my seasons thingy.

And, we lost Digby. :-(

So, let's see what surprises 2014 brings...

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Flicks I've watched (Part 26)

Part 25.

Okay, my Christmas haul post is coming...someday....but like everyone else in America, all my shit still hasn't arrived from Amazon.

Plus, one of the DVDs I did get was scratched, so I gotta go to Bullmoose, and buy it again, and if I even bother, may as well do all my post-Chrismas shopping, so, the review will be a double duty Christmas/post-Christmas deal.

But, in the meantime, I saw these...


The MoleMan Of Belmont Avenue (2013)

See here.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Four fucking years, and they finally released it!!
They snuck it out without fanfare in September.

....and it's a piece of shit.

All that film festival buzz, and that was it?
PPPT.

Well, it's better than "Inkubus", but that ain't saying much.
"Inkubus", was punishingly awful, but this was....just not good.
I kept daydreaming off on it.
Staring at my wall posters, and trying to come up with Jade-Shade ideas, and such.
Kinda one if you have a friend there, you both start talking over it.

Imagine an episode of "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", with nothing funny in it, half the characters, and a monster that has like, two minutes of screen time, and you never ever get a good look at.
Yeah.
Or, imagine Abbot & Costello with no jokes, and they swear a lot.
But not in a funny way.

Well.....at least Robert Englund was good in it, but he's in it less than "Behind The Mask".

Total crap, avoid.


Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2011)

Okay, so, the new DVD version of the poster for "Moleman", had a critic blurb comparing it to this, and "Shaun Of The Dead".

So, figured I'd better see this.
And luckily, I saw it before "Moleman", or I might have passed on it.

It's good.
I'd put it....better than "Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer", not quite as good as "Behind The Mask".

The premise is as clever as "Behind The Mask", though.

Tucker & Dale are good guys, but they keep being misinterpreted by the stock college-age victim-kids as the stock horror movie archetype creepy rednecks.
Hi-jinks ensue.

Alan Tudyk from "Firefly", plays Dale, and...the other guy is in a bunch of shows I don't watch.

No fucking WAY is "Moleman", in the same neighborhood as this and "Shaun".
Another fucking moron critic.

Yeah, I'd rank it from worst to best, "Inkubus", "Moleman", "Jack Brooks", "Tucker/Dale", "Leslie Vernon", "Shaun Of The Dead".

And, that's those.
Hopefully next, Christmas haul.

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Happy 91st birthday, Stan Lee!

Thanks for for, y'know, creating everything.

Here's all the previous Stan stuff.

• Comic Documentaries
• The Silver Age
• Merry Threesmas!! (links backward to all the other Marvel stuff)

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Merry Threesmas!!

• Onesmas.
• Twosmas.

And, all the post-Thanksgiving stuff up to now...

• Superheroes Three: Part 1, Superman/Batman
• Superheroes Three: Part 2, DC
• Superheroes Three: Part 3, Marvel Cinematic Universe
• Superheroes Three: Part 4, Marvel (the rest)
• Superheroes Three: Part 5, All The Rest
• Flicks I've watched (Part 22)
• Flicks I've watched (Part 23)
• Flicks I've watched (Part 24)
• Flicks I've watched (Part 25)

Slim crop this year, but again, explained by the "post-Halloween holidays announcement".

Now, back to my presents. ;-)



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Flicks I've watched (Part 25)

Part 24.


What's it all about....Ralphie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Ralphie?
Are we meant to take more than we give.
Or are we meant to be kind?

Aaaand if only fools are kind, Ralphie, then I guess it's wise to be cruel!

And if life belongs only to the strong, Ralphie, what will you lend on an old golden rule?

As sure as I beeeeeliieeve there's a heaven abooooove, Raaaalphiiiieeee!!!!!

I knooow there's something much moooore,
Something even nooooon-believers caaan believe in.
I believe in love, Ralphie.
Without true love we just exist, Ralphie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Ralphie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
And you'll find love any day, Ralphie.....Raaalphiee.

*Snarky grin*
All right, let's get to it.


A Christmas Story (1983)

See here.

Pretty much said it all there, but I'm also going to cover the sequels.
I've worked out the chronology, and this is where it all starts, even though it's actually not the first Jean Shepherd adaptation by a longshot.

And, as popular as this film is, it's startling how little everyone knows of the larger Shepherd-verse.
Well, I'll try to fix that today.


My Summer Story (1994)

A.K.A "It Runs In The Family".

Came out in the early 90's but picks up immediately after "A Christmas Story".

Pretty good, actually.
Shepherd was still alive, and narrated again.
Adapted from other stories in the same book as "A Christmas Story", "In God We Trust (All Others Pay Cash)", which I own.

The only actor/character that carries over from ACS is Mrs. Shields.
Kieran Culkin plays Ralphie, Mary Steenburgen plays the mother, and Charles Grodin plays "the old man".

Ralphie competes with spinning tops, the conflict with the Bumpuses comes to a head, and the mom starts a revolt over "dish night"

I'd recommend it.


Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven Of Bliss (1988)

Expanded from one story in "In God We Trust", and padded out with some stuff from "Wanda Hickey's Night of Gold Memories (And Other Disasters)"

Another good one.

Directed by Richard Bartlett, who also did "The Great American Fourth Of July (and Other Disasters)".

Jean Shepherd narrates again.
Jerry O'Connell plays a 14 year old Ralphie, James Sikking (Star Trek III, Hulk) is "the old man", and Dorothy Lyman is the mother.

Here, the central plot is the family goes on an annual road trip to their favorite camping site, and the misadventures along the way.
It's sort of Ralphie meets "National Lampoon's Vacation".

Recommended.


A Christmas Story 2 (2012)

Yeeccchh.

Not as cringe-inducingly awful as I thought it would be, but not good either.

They just aged the characters ahead a few years, and echoed all the moments of the first movie, and didn't use any of the sequel material from Jean Shepherd at all.
They either seemed oblivious to it, or didn't give a shit.
The latter seems more likely.

And again, "official", sequel my ass, Jean Shepherd is dead, and his material isn't in this at all.

Where's Wanda Hickey? Where's fuzz-head the wonder dog? Where's Ralphie's delivery job at the steel mill? Where's Flick's budding life of crime?

And most of all, where's the bleakness?
Shepherd sprinkled twinkly nostalgia over it, but it was the fucking depression.
This thing tries to be Norman Rockwell, and Shepherd isn't that.

In fact, as you'll see, Ralphie's adult chapters get even bleaker.

Ralph gets a car? Bullshit!
Ralph gets a beautiful girlfriend with no flaws? Bullshit!
The Old Man gets another leg lamp, and lives happily ever after?
BULLSHIT!!!

No, I'd skip this one.
I only forced myself to watch it to make this review complete.


The Phantom Of The Open Hearth (1976)

A PBS special, it came out when I was 1 year old.
The actual first one of these.

Shepherd narrates, and actually also plays the adult Ralphie onscreen.
He's not just a voice this time.
He's there for this whole sorta-trilogy.

Mainly about teenage Ralphie taking Wanda Hickey to the prom, even though he thinks she's a dog, but heaven forbid he not go to prom, or worse, go alone.

Wow...Ralphie really grew up into a shallow asshole.
And he doesn't learn from this, he stays an asshole.

Wanda Hickey is actually cute in this, I thought, but...that's the actress, maybe the one in the book looked like a horse or something, and had a personality like Sarah Palin, but geeze...

If you're not attracted to someone, leave 'em the fuck alone.
This "last chopper out of 'Nam", mentality guys have in this country has to go.

It really seemed to be some gloomy message of compromise, and surrender, and settling.
Fuck you, Shepherd, fuck you.
And fuck all the rest of you jelly-spines across America.
I've been using that word a lot lately, but godDAMN America is full of cowards.
Leading their pathetic lives of defeat.
"Home of the brave", my ass.
*Spit*

Aaaanyhoo...
The characters you like and remember are there, but...ehh...like I said in the original "The Christmas Story", review, adult Ralphie kinda sucks.

Oh, yeah, and the leg lamp and dish night stories get rehashed.
But, where this came out first, I guess it would be a...pre-hash?

Interesting to see though, as a prototype for the better adaptations.
I actually didn't DISlike it, despite my barking at it.
Even though I disagree with Shepherd's jaundiced worldview, he is/was a damned good storyteller.
I would recommend it.
I'd recommend all the actual Shepherd ones.
"A Christmas Story 2", is the only real dud, and I consider it counterfeit.
Anyway...

Watch it here on Youtube.


The Great American Fourth Of July 
(And Other Disasters) (1982)

Another PBS special. This time, part of "American Playhouse".
Came out just a year before "A Christmas Story", hit theaters.
From the director of "Ollie Hopnoodle".

Picks up from "Phantom", and this time, Matt Dillon plays Ralph.

Pre-hashes the fireworks story from "My Summer Story", and mentions Wanda Hickey like she was a humanoid bout with the clap.
So, Ralphie is still an asshole.

This time, he gets his just desserts, when he takes out a beauty queen, and figures out he's the pathetic favor-date.
This kinda-almost antidotes the Wanda Hickey story, but comes along way too long after.

Also, pre-hashes the marching band baton story from "My Summer Story.

It's cut up into 6 pieces, but...

Watch here on Youtube.


The Star-Crossed Romance Of 
Josephine Cosnowski (1985)

Another "American Playhouse".
Came out 2 years after "A Christmas Story".

Has a different Ralphie, and The Old Man, but all the other same actors are back from "4th Of July", as are all the same sets, and establishing shots.

Same director as "Phantom".
Some shmuck I've never heard of is Ralphie.
Just like in "Phantom", and ACS2.

Ralphie's boner leads him into lady trouble again.
After Wanda Hickey, and learning jack shit from "4th Of July", he deserves everything he gets.

Watch it here.


Aaaand, that's it, that's all seven.

Tomorrow, CHREEEEESTMAAAHHHSSS!!!!

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Flicks I've watched (Part 24)

Part 23.

So, after seeing "Chronicle", one of the last straggler superhero films from my 2011 Christmas/new years reviews, and liking it enough I'm totally gonna buy it, I was naturally craving more, and got digging around for anything else I may have missed.
And, well...


The Wild, Wild, World of Batwoman (1966)

Terrible.
I saw the MST3K version, and do not, do NOT see it without Mike and The Robots helping you through the pain.

Pretty much, take "Rat Pfink A Boo-Boo", and suck the remaining joy out if it, and you get "Batwoman".
At least "Rat Pfink", has corny but catchy songs.


Samson vs The Vampire Women (1962)

See here.

Another one vastly improved by MST3K.
Plus, it was the one where TV's Frank left/died, and I had never seen it, so, viewing it served double duty.

They're all out there on Youtube.
Explore, enjoy.

I also watched the last Comedy Central episode, cuz I'd missed that one.
Remember, these were the years our shitty cable company refused to give us Comedy Central.
I only caught MST3Ks when I went over my grandfather's house, and he wasn't hogging the TV with drywall shows.
*Sigh*

Anyway, yeah, this is terrible.


Mister Freedom (1969)

Ahhh, now this was more like it!
Another one of those "how in the Hell did I miss this one?", ones.

It really blows my fucking mind that this was around during the final season of Star Trek.
While Trek had to play coy with its political allegory, this really fucking WENT for it in full R rated glory!

So, the director of this got fed up with America because of Vietnam, ran away to France, like all good intellectuals at the time, and made this blatant rampaging slice of outright anti-American propaganda.

And I agreed with, and laughed at every fucking bit of it.

So, Mr. Freedom is America if it were a guy.
A bully, a moron, a racist, clumsily bursting in everywhere without being asked, randomly and casually murdering people while telling you he's granting you freedom, and singing retch-inducing patriotic jingles.

Yep, nailed it.
Truly, no one knows you better than your enemies.

But you know, much as this no doubt caused an outrage in its day, it's actually kind of soft nowadays.
South Park regularly beats the shit out of America way worse than this, and Matt & Trey are Libertarians.

Hell, "Team America", was almost this same exact movie, but done better.

Although, it gets high points for its fucking prescience.
You could change the corporation names, and it'd be about the various Reagan scandals, or Bush Jr. and Iraq II.
It's all the same fucking conspiracies.
They never stop, they never slow, they never miss a beat.
This'll be relevant 200 years from now.
Sadly.

I enjoyed it best of this batch, but overall, worth one watch, not worth owning.
IMO.

It's heart was in the right place, its messages are timely, but as an actual entertainment film, it's just kinda clunky.


Soooo nope, I've seen all the good superhero movies.
If a lost masterpiece is hiding from me, it's hiding really fucking well.

So, that gets us up to #24, and I have another batch loaded and ready to go for tomorrow for #25.
25th on Christmas eve, how perfect is that?

Just hope freezing rain doesn't rip out our power.
That's usually my luck this time of year.

See you tomorrow...hopefully.

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Happy Winter!

There we go, NOW it's winter!

Even though we've had 2 fucking snowstorms that required snow-blowing, now the CALENDAR says so!

And there, now here's my 4 seasons mosaic at last!

Boom.
Done.

Oh, also, it's been a whole year since Mayan Doomsday.
I re-mock you, superstitious assholes.

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On pegs.

This goes out to any insecure dicks who think they have to start shit with me, because they think I "need to be taken down a couple pegs".
Fuck you, I'm keeping my pegs.
And I'm taking some of yours.
I ate humiliation for the first 20 years of my life, I don't lose pegs anymore, I get 'em back.
It's like a tax return.
School alone, 50 pegs. Just right there.
Wal-Mart, 20 pegs.
Then I put 'em in the peg bank, and get peg interest.
What, you thought it was a peg 401k, where I don't get to touch my pegs until I'm 60?
Fuck you. Dream on. I'm using my pegs in my fuckin' prime, man.
No, muthafucka, YOU lose pegs.
Every time you say I should lose some pegs, you lose 5 fuckin pegs.
Even whisper it behind my back so you think I can't hear, BAM, 5 pegs. Gone. Just like that.
You'd be amazed how fast it all goes.
One good hour of insecure uptight lip quivering seething, I get all your fucking pegs.
Doesn't bother my conscience at all.
Go earn your own fucking pegs, and leave my pegs out of it, asswipe.
And hey, what's with the peg system anyway?
Isn't that an antiquated system?
Why are we climbing the self-esteem ladder with removable pegs?
We've got fucking escalator technology.
Fuck, we've got rocket packs!
21st century, and we're still fucking around with pegs?
Doesn't seem right. Sounds like some bullshit a Republican economist would have thought up.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna cash in my pegs for a fucking rocket pack. Then you just try and get at me, ya assholes.

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Flicks I've watched (Part 23)

Part 22.

All righty, this batch are all friend recommendations I finally was able to get to after chiseling away the fuggin' mountain of Halloween ones (1, 2, 3).

Here we go...


Video Nasties: Moral Panic, Censorship, & Videotape (2010)

A documentary on "the video nasties", the name given to sicko horror movies in the UK.
They were outright banned, and possession or sale of them could get you sent to jail.

Some of the films mentioned, and most of my own censorship rants are here and here in my "worst of the worst", series.

And, like in there, the British horror fan commentators say when you actually saw these things, 9 times out of 10, they didn't deliver the goods, and it was just "people playing with butcher meat, and trying really hard not to laugh".
They agree with me.
But, the puritan assholes acted like they thought this shit was real.

So, yeah, my rants on this aren't a frivolous meaningless thing, people served time, they lost their livelihoods, their lives were ruined, and over nothing. Absolutely nothing.
And it CAN happen here.
You gotta watch out.
We've missed it happening in this country by a razor thin margin.
Multiple times.
We were just lucky.
People don't appreciate that.
Especially young kids that don't know the history.
For example, the PMRC deal really almost lost us freedom to listen to what albums we want to hear.
That "parental advisory", sticker ought to chill your blood, that was a buying off and appeasement of outright fascists that wanted to abolish the first amendment.
All in the name of children.
Yeah, right, children.

So, anyway, there I go ranting again, but this documentary has it all.
You get to see the censorship actually happen, and you get to see how they do it.
It's important to see how the enemy thinks and operates.

Hell, you can see some of it here.
Evil Dead used to be on "the video nasties", list for awhile, and Raimi had to put up with that shit.
Witness the hysterical moron-itude for yourself.

Well, it hasn't gone away, right now in Britain they're trying to Big-Brother the internet in the name of children.
Making you opt in for porno to try to shame you.
Next it's going to be "subversive sites", and they'll make up what that means on the fly to arrest anyone they want.
And there are people who want to try it here.
Whatever the new medium is, people want to control it.

Yeah, I know I beat this topic to death, but you HAVE to beat it to death, these horrible utopia-minded fascist control-freak people never ever go away.

Anyway, great documentary, get it to your eyeballs however you have to.

Hopefully, "Rewind This!", will also cover some of this stuff.
If Lloyd Kaufman is in there, you can bet he'll touch on it.
He's even more ranty than I am.


Solaris (1972)

Friends raved over the remake, and it's been 10 years, so I figured it was finally time to get to it, now that everything else on Earth is out of the way, but FIRST I had to see the original.

Anytime something's a remake, I see the original first.
I break the rule sometimes, and kick myself every time.
So, lately I'm more strict about it.

Anyway, it's really good, but slow and plodding in a lot of places.
The run-time is two and a quarter hours, and a lot of that is spent on long driving scenes, long scenery pans, etc, etc.
It makes "2001: A Space Odyssey", look spry and jaunty.

Anyway, plot is, it's Russia, some unspecified time in the future (as seen by the 70's), people still wear normal clothes, houses are still normal houses, but there are video phones, self-driving cars, and we can go to extra-solar planets as easily as taking an airline flight.

The protagonist goes to the Solaris space station orbiting the planet Solaris.
The planet is covered by an ocean of weird living goo of unknown composition that scientists theorize is one big sentient lifeform.

When you go to the Solaris station, the planet reads your mind, and creates a solidified sentient replica of a dead relative or lover for you.
The protagonist gets a duplicate of his dead wife, and the rest of the film is spent with him trying to philosophically sort out this insane situation.

It's good sci-fi.
But again, slow as hell.
Take caffeine pills for this one.


Solaris (2002)

Okay, so the immediate plus this has over the original, is it's trimmed down to a lean hour-thirty.
It gets to the fucking point.

It's pretty much the exact same story.
George Clooney is the guy.
The effects are better.
The technobabble is more updated.
The future is more future-y.
The planet is plasma-y instead of liquid-y.
The race and gender of a couple secondary characters is changed.
A couple plot elements are shifted and tinkered, but we end up in pretty much the same place as the ending of the original.
Other than that, same movie.

It's good.
Not mind blowing, or Earth shattering.
I like both versions, each one does some things better than the other.

If you had to see only one, I'd rather you see the original, but the remake is easier to get ahold of, so, you're not committing a crime seeing only that.


The Wicker Man (1972)

Well, if you've seen AMC's "Top 100 Scariest Movie Moments", that spoiled the whole damned thing for you.

I still enjoyed it though.

It has Christopher Lee, and it kicks religion in the dick, and either one of those is enough to make me happy, but to have both...WHEEE!!

So, basic plot, if you haven't seen anything about it somehow, Edward Woodward is a cop, and a devout Christian, who goes to investigate a missing child report in this town full of Pagans run by Christopher Lee.
Naturally, their beliefs and customs collide.
Hi-jinks ensue.


48 Hours (1982)

Yeah, wow, I know, it took me a long time to finally see this.

So, there's a backstory to this.
Buckle in.

So...'82...'82..I would have been 7...but it was on HBO, which took about a year, so I could have been 8.
7 or 8.
Anyway...
So, my parents were strict about actually sticking to the stupid age guidelines on the ratings, and wouldn't let me see PG-13 until I was 13, and R until 17...but later on, they relented, and let me see PG-13 at 11, and R at 13.
Course, I sneaked my share of movies at friend's houses anyway.

But, all my parent's friends let their kids see everything, so I was the uncool doofus, but this is where it gets weird, my parents let those other kids see that shit at our fucking house, and I still had to go to my fucking room, and be the uncool doofus in my own fucking house.

I got treated like a nerd, even though they were making me the goddamned nerd!
Still pisses me off.
You don't get over a thing like that.

So, "48 Hours", was one of those fucking movies.
And the one that burnt into my mind, because my friend's asshole sister (the one who thought "Avenging Angel", was high art, and who worshiped at the alter of Madonna) laughed her ass off.
Not a metaphor, she sounded like she was trying to unhinge her fucking head like a snake with laughter power.
Through the whoooole fucking movie.
After the thing was over, she was literally like "omigawwwd! That was the funnist movie IN THE WORLD!!!".

So, I thought I actually had missed the funniest movie in the world, and I seethed bitterly, and it became a scar.
I suppressed it away, and consciously forgot about it, but it was always there.

And, magically, an opportunity to see it NEVER came up again, not even by accident.
30 fucking years, and it just never came together.
It would never be on basic cable, whenever it was movie rental day, there was always a new movie to see, whenever it was movie night with Hyla and Spencer, there was always something else to see, then video stores died, and all through the history of this blog, I had a mountain of other shit I wanted to see first.
Well, it finally got down to the bottom of the mountain, I finally shoveled it all away with a spoon, and it finally popped into my head to see fucking "48 Hours",

Well, it's a decent little buddy-cop movie.
One of the first, if not the first, according to film historians.
It hasn't aged so well.
It's okay.
Three out of five stars.

You know what this movie is better than though?
"The Hangover".
Easily.

My friend's stupid sister must have laughed at every single instance of foul language.
That's the only thing I can think of.
There's raunchy talk, but it's not actual jokes or anything.
It's not a comedy, it's a fucking cop movie.
Okay, she can almost be excused for being a kid, feeling like a grownup for being allowed to see this shit with grownups, and that these type of movies were brand new.
Except, she didn't grow up into a fucking Einstein.
So, fuck it, and fuck her.
Go listen to fucking Madonna.
Bizatch.

Ahhh, anyway, that chapter is closed at last.
This is the curse of remembering everything.....


Dancer In The Dark (2000)

From the director of "The Idiots".
Looking at the years, it must have been his very next film, in fact.

Wow, is this ever fucking depressing.

So, Bjork plays a woman who fantasizes about being in musicals to escape her reality, because her reality is fucking horrible.

She works at a factory that seems to be making metal kitchen sinks, and shes going blind, and saving up money for an operation for her 13 year old son, so that he won't have the same blindness.
Hence "dancer in the dark".

A so-called friend steals her money, and dominoes of misery and pain begin to fall.
You'll cry til you puke.

Definitely better than "The Idiots".


Memento (2001)

From Christopher Nolan (of the Batman trilogy, natch)

A fucking masterpiece.
Loved, loved, loved it.
My favorite of this batch.

Understood it on the first try too.
Some people need to watch it 2-3 times.

So, the movie has two chunks, one in black and white, and one in color.
It cuts back and forth between the two.
The black and white bits go forward in time, the color bits go back in time, and they intersect at the middle, which is the chronological ending.
And, it has to be that way.
The character suffers from short-term memory loss, so we're discovering what happened the way he does.
If we could watch it chronologically, retaining the memories he can't, it would spoil it all.

But, the main plot is, he's hunting for the murderer of his wife.
As he goes along, he writes himself notes, takes Polaroids, and for the really important stuff, he tattoos it onto himself.

Guy Pearce is the guy, Joey Pants is his frien-emy, and Carrie-Ann Moss is in it, in the only thing I've ever seen her in besides "The Matrix".

See it if you haven't.


Inception (2010)

Also from Chris Nolan.

Eh, it was all right.

Liked "Memento", way better.

Well...at least this one has Ellen Page.
*Blushes, cartoon hearts*


Hanna (2011)

See here, and here.

There, finally seen it.

It's really good, but nothing awe inspiring.
Worth one watch.
I personally found the ending to be predictable.
Yet another curse of remembering everything...

She does indeed count as a superhero, she is a genetic augment.
Just not the laser beam and flight kind.
More a peak athlete.

Saoirse Ronan is so gorgeous, she's practically an alien.
My eyeballs were hypnotized by her.
Wow.

Yeah, check this one out.


Chronicle (2012)

See here.

I really liked it.
I'm totally going to be adding this to my superhero collection.

I'd put it on the level of oh..."Unbreakable".
Yeah, about there.

I dunno, critics nitpicked this one to oblivion on a technical level, and didn't even treat it like a fucking movie.
Some weird kind of fix seemed to be in.

As a movie, it's good, you'll fucking like it.
Don't be a hipster douche, and just let it be what it is.

It's definitely a better "super-powered youth falls from grace", story than the fucking Star Wars prequels.

And, it's a better "found footage", movie than....fuck, any of them.


Men In Black 3 (2012)

See here, and here.

Okay, everyone raved this was the best one, but...I dunno.

Definitely better than two....but better than one??
I dunno, I gotta think about it.

Nice little popcorn movie.
Probably would have been loads better on the big screen.


This Is The End (2013)

*Unhinges head like a snake*

HAAAAAWWWWW HAAAAAAAWWW HAAAAAAWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S THE FUNNIEST MOVIE IN THE WOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRLLLDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nah, it was all right.
Of the two apocalypse movies, I liked "The World's End", way better.

This was actually pretty damned good, but I can't see myself watching it repeatedly for years to come, like I plan on watching "The World's End".

It's leaps better than "48 Hours", and "The Hangover", I'll certainly give it that.

Anyway, I truly found myself relating to the character of Jay.
I'm all cynical, and think everything people do for fun is dumb, and that people are disgusting animals when they party, and that celebrity is phony, and all that.
Except, I'll never be sorry about it, even to get into Heaven.
*Thumbs in ears, raspberry*

You'll dig the flick.
Check it out.

Oh, neat little bit of trivia, this was the last DVD rented at the last Blockbuster Video.
Fitting.
And, a fitting end to this review.

Bye!

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Also, happy Friday The 13th Part 2!

I'll be damned, two this year!
(The other one)

And, here's "I REDO the Jasons", again.


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Superheroes Three: Part 5, All The Rest

• Ninja Turtles (2011)
• Transformers (2011)
• Robocop (2011)
• Toxie (2011)
• Ghostbusters (2011)
• All The Rest (2012)
• Star Wars (2011)
• Star Wars Two (2012)
• Star Trek (2011)
• Star Trek Two (2012)
• Assessing my collection. (Superheroes) (recaps everything else)

All righty, so, this'll go pretty quick...


Ninja Turtles 

The Michael Bay/Platinum Dunes one is coming this summer.


Transformers

Michael Bay again.
Summer again.

Transformers: Age Of Extinction.
Dinobots.

Bay lied, he directed after all.
Although, some random nut beat him up on the set.
So....karma????
*Shrug* *Head scratch*
Probably not...


Robocop

The reboot in a couple months.

...why does he have flesh hands?
That's gonna be a detriment, ain't it?
Meh.


Toxie

See here, here, here, and here.

So, Toxie 5, hopefully sometime next year, or in 2015.
Definitely whenever they're done with "Return To Nuke 'Em High", parts 1-2.
Part 1 is done, but still touring festivals.
They're starting on 2 as we speak.

And, word of a big Hollywood remake of Toxie 1 with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He must be the mayor, or the power plant owner, or a the Nazi police chief, cuz Toxie starts out as a teen.
Well, we'll see...


Ghostbusters

Remember when I said Bill Murray killed Ghostbusters 3 by turning it down?
Bless his little heart, Dan Aykroyd isn't giving up.
He's retooling the script for the zillionth time, and trying to get young comedians to be the new Ghostbusters.
The studio says they'll only do it if he can get at least 2 stars.
Well, we'll see...
If I'll never give up on a Punisher sequel, Dan has every right not to give up on his baby that he actually made.
Go, Danny, go!!


Star Wars

Pretty much that infographic.

Also, Hamill, Ford, and Fisher are back.
Lucas blabbed it.
Disney wants it to be a big thing when they reveal it, so they're being super secretive, even though we know.
These studios are so weird lately about their secrets.

And speaking of silly secrecy...


Star Trek

...it was Khan.
Should have been in the goddamned tagline.
Abrams even has said he regrets the secrecy.
Apology accepted.

Anyhoo, see here for the review.

Paramount wants Star Trek 3 in time for the 50th anniversary in 2016.
J.J has gone off to do Star Wars 7.
They can't nail down a director.
And they have two new writers, and Lindeloff has been shown the door.
YAY!!!

And, all the rest from last year?
Um...fuck it.
Dig through the archives of last Christmas if ya want.
Basically, all the other rumored sequels and remakes are still hanging in the air.
I'll post 'em when they become real.

Oh, Lone Ranger happened.
And bombed.
So, there's that one...

And, that's the end.
Cuz, like I said here...

"...since my summer reviews grew into En-Mike-lopedia 2.5, you pretty much got your goodies anyway, you just got them early. 
Count that as Thanksgiving and Christmas".

So, here's that again.

En-Mike-lopedia 2.5

And, we're done!


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Superheroes Three: Part 4, Marvel (the rest)

• Spider-Man (2011)
• Spider-Man (2012)
• Spider-Man (2013)
• X-Men (2011)
• X-Men (2012)
• Misc Marvels Part 1 (2011)
• Misc Marvels Part 2 (2011)
• Marvel (2012)

So, here's what the other studios are doing....


The Wolverine (2013)

See here.

And up very next....


X-Men: Days Of Future Past (2014)

...in May.

With a teaser stinger at the end of "The Wolverine".

Yeah, they don't have a good final poster still, and I don't like the teaser ones.

Then, there's rumors of Apocalypse being teased in this one, heading towards "X-Men Apocalypse", for the third one of the "First Class", casted prequel-verse.

And, Fox is keen to get Jackman back for a sequel to "The Wolverine", which would mean re-upping him since his contract was up after "Future Past".

And, Jackman has said he'd love it if Fox and Sony could set aside their foolishness, and let there be an ultimate mashup of all the characters. Wolverine, Spider-Man, Avengers, the whole ball of wax.
I agree.
We all agree.
I don't forsee it happening though.
Be cool if he could use what pull he has to try though.
Maybe whisper in Robert Downey's ear too.

And, Fox has said they want to emulate the whole shared universe deal, starting with the Fantastic Four reboot. So, don't look for the relinquishing of characters to happen soon.

And speaking of Sony...


The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

This is right around the corner.
Also in May, in fact.
Competing with X-Men.

I dunno, everyone's drooling over the trailer, and even people who worked on it, including Spider-Man himself are saying it's way better than the first one.

Maybe...maybe...we'll see.

It is cool they're using the 100% un-fucked-with comic book costume.


Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

See here.

No "yes", or "no", on  a threequel, just crickets.

If something's a hit, you hear immediately.
Not raising my hopes, but if it happens, I'm right there.


And, looping back to Marvel Studios, they've got back the rights to Daredevil, Elektra, Punisher, Ghost Rider, and Blade.

Daredevil of course, is going to be a show, and part of The Defenders, there's faint whispers they want to reboot Blade, and no word on the rest.

Yes, I AM still holding out for a Tom Jane Punisher sequel.
I know it's hopeless, I know it's naive, but dammit, Freddy vs Jason happened after 10 years, SW episode 7 with Hamill, Fisher, and Ford is happening after 30 years, it could happen!
I'll never give up!!

Aaand...*strains brain*...I think that's it.

Yhep.

Tomorrow, all the rest.


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Superheroes Three: Part 3, Marvel Cinematic Universe

• Hulk (2011)
• Hulk (2012)
• The Bigass Incredible Hulk Review.
• Avengers (2011)
• Avengers (2012)

So, here we go, Avengers Phase 2 is into full swing...


Iron Man 3 (2013)

See here, and here.


Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Meh, I'll wait for DVD.

Hyla saw it though.


So, that leaves...

...Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Guardians Of The Galaxy, and Avengers: Age Of Ultron left to go.

Then, as a little spinoff thing...

Iron Man/Hulk: Heroes United (2013)

See here.

Marvel animation still has to iron out their kinks.
Animation is good, story/dialogue are still weak.
Getting better though...
An Iron Man/Captain America sequel is up next for that.
I'll give it a miss, unless I hear raves.
Probably won't.

Then, up next, for Phase three...

Ant Man, and Dr. Strange for sure.

Stan Lee has blabbed Black Panther, but Marvel Studios has gone into Yoga contortions to deny it, but we know after "The Dark Knight Rises", and "Star Trek Into Darkness", how the big-wigs will bald-faced lie right to our faces to keep a secret that doesn't need to be secret.
Frankly, I'm gonna trust Stan.

Also rumored is Inhumans.
Alongside that, a live-action "Planet Hulk", was rumored, and totally debunked, but the Inhumans thing stands unscathed.

Add on Avengers 3, and that fills all 5 slots.

Marvel has answered the criticisms that they don't have any standalone female superhero flicks, and remember, I bitched about that last year, and they just lamely said they can't squeeze it in to phase 2 or 3, that tells me the slots are filled.

So, fuck it, it's Ant Man, Dr. Strange, Black Panther, Inhumans, and Avengers 3.

But as for female characters, Avengers 2 has Black Widow, and Scarlet Witch, and there's token chicks in Guardians Of The Galaxy, and Inhumans.
And, hopefully, Ant Man will have Wasp.
I'll say it outright, it'll suck without Wasp.
She'd better be there.

But, for Phase 4, I'd love a Spider-Woman, or She-Hulk, or Ms. Marvel.
Hey, give Black Widow a spinoff movie, and it can be all chicks.
They wouldn't do that though, Hollywood is sexist, despite the face they try to show to the world.
And they think you and I are even worse.
Hollywood projects in more ways than one.

Aaaanyhooo...

On to TV...


Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013-???)

Um, I'll come right out with it without pussyfooting....boring.
I give a show 5 episodes to hook me, and I actually fell asleep at number four, and never went back.
I wanted to like it too.

And I'm not alone, it's not doing well.
Despite this, ABC has stubbornly ordered another season.

Well, let's hope some radical re-tooling, and/or snowglobe shaking happens next year.


Marvel also has lined up Netflix shows based on Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Iron Fist, and Luke Cage, and then they're all going to join forces, and merge into The Defenders.

This will of course, unfold over several years.

So, hey, a Jessica Jones show, that's something.
It's no movie, but hey.


Aaand, that's all of it.


Tomorrow, the rest of Marvel.

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