Thursday, December 8, 2011

Superhero Flicks, Part 12: All The Rest (Part 1, Ninja Turtles)

And, with that one, I'm done with Marvel/DC...for awhile...

Now, the rest.
All of it.

Foist, da Toitles.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The film-

Eh, watchable, s'allright.
Liked it better in 1990.
Certainly an order of magnitude better than the fuckin' "Garbage Pail Kids", movie.
Closest to the Mirage Studios comic book.

Had violence, death, and Raphael shouting "DAMN!".

So...yeah, comic based movies were limping to life, I was hoping things would increasingly get edgier, but...well, I guess they have, but the time table was way off from my expectations...

The history-

Ho boy...lotta memories to sort through...
Okay, here goes...

So, yeah, Kevin Eastman was a local boy from right here in Maine, so, if you were a comic book geek from here, you followed Eastman's rise with interest.

I mean, what have we got?
Stephen King, and him, y'know?

So, no matter how kiddie it got, I kept an antennae out on Turtles stuff for awhile.

Oh, and then, there's this story from this location blog..

This hair place is where MoonShadow Comics used to be.
Ah, it was excellent.
Loved it.
That's why they got rid of it.
The grand opening, they had Kevin Eastman of Ninja Turtles fame signing autographs.
I still got those autographed issues stowed away somewhere.
Yeah, I remember that whole day...
Remember being late for the thing, cuz I had a case of the nervous shits hit me right as I was heading out the door.
Well, better than being AT the thing, y'know?

At the signing thing, they were pimping the movie, they had photos up of the clay models for the suits.
They looked meaner than the final versions.
Wish digital cameras had been around then.
I was all excited, thinking they were gonna do it up as R rated.
Well, clearly, if Eastman had had his way, it would have been, but, focus groups, or whatever, got in the way.

I also remember a lot of preliminary art for "Melting Pot", on display, and there was a woman with goat legs with her bush hangin' out.

I remember smirking, and thinking "oh, THAT'S nice for the kiddies!", and liking this guy even more.

I didn't work up the nerve to say anything for the autographing, it was sort of a cattle trudge deal.
Best I didn't, I was a fuckin' mess as a kid, it would have been stupid.

All of this was like, 2-3 years before the film finally came out.
Maybe 4.
I'd given up on the thing.
Then, it was like "yay!".
Disappointment followed, mostly with the sequels.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: 
The Secret of the Ooze

The film-

Ah, shit, do I gotta talk about it?
Well, I set it before myself by even picking superheroes, didn't I?

Well, maybe talking about it with y'all will be therapy...

Yeah....this is the one with Vanilla Ice.
No...I can do this...

The history-

So, as mentioned above, I was a stubborn follower of the Turtles stuff, cuz, as a Mainer, it was like, a national duty, or something.

And, the comics were still edgy, and it was still geek-hip to collect 'em, and the first flick had had an edge, so, there was no reason to suspect the sequel was what it was...

So, I see this piece of shit at the theater, and yeah, total walk of shame out of the thing.

Teenage girls giggling at me, my dignity took a pounding.
Not a banner day.
Most of them haven't been, frankly.
I've surely spent more days loathing existence itself , rather than welcoming it, to be honest.
If you tally it up in hours.
"Secret of the Ooze", didn't help with that.
Not at all.

Oh, how the world has changed though.
Now, cute girls go to conventions, and geek shit, even the kiddie stuff, is cool.
And James from Cinemassacre can talk a blue streak about the minutiae of Turtle shit, and people love him.
Glad I didn't off myself at 30 now.
It finally turned around.
All you depressives out there, hang on, y'know?

As for those girls, I hope they married slobs.
Dumb ones. Smelly ones.
Drunks. Gamblers.
I hope they followed their mommy and daddy's values, and were really fucking bored.
And they had to have their shit sorted out by Doctor Phil.

Yeah, said it way back here, I gotta get the fuck outta this town, and maybe even outta Maine.
Dunno where I'd go though, everywhere has fuckin people in it.
*Nose crinkle*

Yeah, "secret of the ooze", dredges all of this shit up.
Damn you, "secret of the ooze".
Damn you to...well, certainly not Detroit.
Yes, damn you to Detroit, "secret of the ooze".

Well, I cry about my petty troubles, but...think of what it must've been like to be Corey Feldman at this time.
See? Someone always has it worse.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

The film-


I've never sat through the whole thing.
Seen chunks of it on TBS, then recoiled in physical agony.

The history-

Are you kiddin?
After the last one made me bleed from my soul, like I was ever gonna touch this franchise with a ten foot pole.

Funny, even after all the dignity I've lost over the years to these pursuits...I've never once had the glimmer of a thought of trying to be "normal", as a result.
Not once.
I guess that counts as commitment, doesn't it?
To the bitter fucking end.
*Holds up toast goblet*


The film-

And then....the whole Turtle thing fizzled out, and went into hibernation for awhile, and everyone moved on, and the scars healed, and life went on, and new life was born, and bad old things died, and the world changed, and then...the cryo-pods opened, and they were back.

And...the movie was good.

Not great, a passable DC animated flick, or a decent Marvel animated flick, but, with Turtles.

Stock stuff from the comics, but...they were back, and that's what mattered.

It was good to see 'em.

And, there's nods back to the first three.
Their trophy room has the time-staff thingy from three, and the shredder mask from 1-2.
So, it's really four, if you want it to be.
Or, a reboot if you want it to be.

Yes, this passes muster, I'm...glad...this one exists.

The history-

Saw it on CN.
I was healed.

Turtles Forever

The film-

Oh, this one kicks fucking ass!

This commemorates the 25th anniversary of the Turtles, and has the 2003 animated Turtles dimension warp, and meet the 80's/90's animated Turtles, and then, at the end, they all meet the black & white original Mirage Turtles.

And 2003 badass-Shredder upgrades the 80's/90's Technodrome into a modernized badass Technodrome.

This exorcises all the bad mojo, it's a celebration, bitches.

Watch, enjoy, feast.

The history-

Saw this online somewhere after seeing it in a Cinemassacre review.
Was happy.
Very happy.

Well, feels like I need something special to wrap this up with....

Here, a "fuck you, world, I like this", song.
And it's from fuckin' Turtles 3 too.

Up next, more of this stuff.
Dunno exactly what yet, maybe a mixed assortment bag.


hyla2 said...


As a fellow (albeit, transplanted) Mainer and former Turtles enthusiast, I approves this message.

And I also endured the shame of seeing Secret Of The Ooze in the theater. :(

hyla2 said...

And I was also, as a fan of the comics over the cartoons, disappointed by the lack of balls in the original Turtles movie. Not surprised or anything. Just . . . disappointed.

I'd foolishly envisioned ALL RED bandanna/masks on all of them, PG-13 degree ninja kills, the works.

Should've known they'd wuss it up like the cartoon. Probably the only reason the Foot weren't crappy robots is because the whole budget went into the rubber suits.

Diacanu said...

Yeah, I opened a vein for this one, debated with myself all last night whether to go there, but, fuck it.
It ends happily, anyway.

Yeah, that experience was at Maine Mall Cinema.

That place is gone now.

Empty parking lot.

IHOP is still there though.

Diacanu said...

Re: Lack of balls.

Well, ditto on that, like I said, given what I saw of the development stuff at Moonshadow, that's the way they WANTED to go.

Someone somewhere got to him.

Fuckin' 90's and their market research, and test audiences.

hyla2 said...

Re: Maine Mall/IHOP

BAH! It isn't the same IHOP I grew up with anyway, with the mile-high A-frame ceilings hung to the rafters with crazy-ass nicknacks and tchochkes and bricabrac, like your grandmother's shelves exploded. But with pancakes.

They ruined all that before I even moved away, with their international flags and redecos and suspended ceilings.

(staggers off, frothing, and clawing at the air in random fits)

Diacanu said...

Oh, creepy thing though, the Pizza Hut on the other side of the MMTheater, the 9/11 hijackers ate there before taking off form Portland airport.

Place is gone now.
Wonder if it legitimately went out of business, or the home office pulled out of there because of the creepy memories.

Spooky to know, that with a time machine, and a shotgun, I could stop 9/11.

hyla2 said...

Wow. Welcome to historical South Portland, huh?

Whelp, time to carjack ol' Doc Brown . . .

Diacanu said...


hyla2 said...

'How do ya theyah, naybah? Gorry, ent this's gonna smaaat sumthin wickid . . .'


Diacanu said...

*Anthology story starts forming in my head*


hyla2 said...

Uh-oh. Here come the Buxton devastating mechaspiders again . . .


Diacanu said...

Yep, tucking that away for later...

Diacanu said...

Re: Mecha spiders.

Lol! That's a separate one, I think...

hyla2 said...

Ah. Thought you meant you were going to include this stuff in that group of stories when you said 'anthology'.

Diacanu said...

Oh, yeah, yeah, that, of course.

Thought you meant the same story.

Diacanu said... there any hope held out for the Michael Bay/Platinum Dunes Turtles being any good?

Or, are we in for a Clash Of The Titans style "rebooting", up the arse?

hyla2 said...


Michael Bay . . . Turtles . . .

I think I knew that then blocked it out. Yeah, I definitely knew they were giving live action Turtles another go . . . but I don't think I'd heard about Bay.

Well as long as they don't have anything unspeakable dangling out of their shells. Or try to hump April's leg.

Diacanu said...

Well, they gotta work in that Michael Bay trademark racism quotient in there, so...maybe they'll make splinter "urban", and throw off gang signs, and toss around the latest MTV approved wanksta catchphrases.

I'm excited already.

hyla2 said...

Oh, why go that far afield for ethnic yuks?

Bay can just have them play up Splinter's ratty buck teeth, swap out his 'r's and 'l's, and get him to say 'Ah, so' a load, building up (naturally) to a crass 'ah-so/asshole' joke in the final reel!

(wearily sighs & lowers head into path of oncoming traffic)

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