Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Superhero Flicks, Part 11: Marvel Animated

There, that ( parts 1, 2, 3 ) took care of the DC animateds, now the Marvel stuff.

Huh...thinner crop, this...

Ultimate Avengers: The Movie

The film-

Bland. Glum. Slow.
Fuck the Ultimates universe.
Fuck it with a red rubber dick.

Man, they'll really have to work at fucking up the live-action Avengers this bad.

The history-


Ultimate Avengers 2: Rise of the Panther

The film-

Fucking ditto.

The history-


The Invincible Iron Man

The film-

Piece of shit.
Especially with good Robert Downey Iron Man to compare it to.

Geez...I don't wanna go into a laundry list of all the reasons this sucks...but here it comes...same slow glum blandness as the Avengers ones....origin story mutilated to blend it with the Mandarin...then...we don't get no fuckin' Mandarin, we get his stupid ghost, and only for a minute or so, and no real fight with him....and the lion's share of this piece of shit is spent on fighting these stupid Chinese golem statues with elemental powers someone pulled out their ass.

Yheeep, too much fuckin' magic in Iron Man, you know it's gonna suck.

Plus...same problem as a lot of the comics, no one GETS him.
It took 'til the Downey one before they GOT it.

Liberal writers couldn't get a handle on him, cuz they felt like making an industrialist good in any way was anathema, and conservative writers wanna make him John Galt.
Both miss the mark.

Weell, this felt like the former, they had Tony's Dad alive, and Tony whining at him like Meathead to Archie.

Yeah, it's really a wonder that a good Iron Man got greenlit after this mess.

The history-


Doctor Strange: The Sorcerer Supreme

The film-

Oh, boy, another slow, bland, glum, Marvel animation...

Porno-hair Disco-Strange had way more heart than this fuckin' turkey.

The history-

Are you fuckin' kiddin?
Go read the fuckin' Ditko's that's some fuckin' history.

Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow 

The film-

Slow, riddled with plotholes, kids might like it...I didn't care much for it.
Not quite as glum as the first 4, cuz the child cast were full of fresh energy, and that's hard to beat down.
They try though, with the post-apocalypse setting.
Someone at the turkey factory that makes these needs medication.

The history-


Hulk vs Thor/ Hulk vs Wolverine

The film-

Yeah, this was probably the best of the sorry lot.

The Wolverine one had Deadpool, and you can't not have fun with Deadpool.

And, the Thor one was actually pretty epic.
It even journeyed across death.

Guess someone took their meds finally, this one remembers it's alive.

The history-

You really want some good Hulk battles though?
Get this.

Planet Hulk

The film-

Okay it's a coin flip which is better, this, or "Hulk vs..".

From here...

Hulk meets Heavy Metal.
Not for kids.
Lotta friggin death.
Good flick.

Yup, I stand by that...

The history-

You want the real Planet Hulk though?
Get this.

Thor: Tales of Asgard

The film-

Unh! They get me excited with two good ones, then, back to slow, and bland.

Here, they turn Thor into a bland, bedraggled, going through the motions, predictable, listless  "Lord of the Rings", knockoff.

I kept pausing this thing to check e-mail, and have one-sided conversations with Batcat.
Basically, to compliment him on the good job he's doing.

Come on, do I even have to mention the live-action one kicks this thing's ass into the stratosphere?

The history-


Soo...that was those...check out the Hulk ones, if you're a Hulk fan, but...don't bother with the rest.

Man, it was a TREAT to watch those DC ones, THIS felt like a punishment.

Hmm....think this FINALLY finishes off Marvel/DC...up next, all of the other hero flicks.

(BTW, after much divergence, this comes after this)


hyla2 said...

Boy it's so sad--yet so consistent with the contemporary comics they're based on--that the covers for these things have such stunning, kick-ass art, but the dreck inside is such a 180 degree letdown.

Let me know if they do any straight to DVD movies of the new Avengers animated series; if Marvel can keep on THAT track, they might just turn things around.

Diacanu said...

1. Damn, you really like that Avengers doncha? Guess I gotta wach it..

2. Hmm, guess I gotta do an entry or four on animated SERIES..but not right now.

I gotta kill off the movies, then, I'll swing back around.

hyla2 said...

1) I DO!!! Seriously, it's like Justice League animated . . . but the Avengers. THAT GOOD. And it's SO Marvel--personality issues and clashes abound! Decent writing, fun animation/character design (if you like the whole 'animated' style of character design, which I actually do) . . . YES. You see that.

2)Oh, geez, yeah, no, wait on that! Just because the straight supers are out of the way . . . still so much meat on the hero movie carcass. One gluttonous feast at a time.

hyla2 said...

Oh, fair warning (too late if you already YouTubed up an episode), but Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes has a VERRRRY annoying, off-putting opening theme song.

Kinda emo-ish. Singer sounds like he's trying to push out a poo.


No worse than the awful cock-rock guitar they plugged into the opener for Justice League Unlimited, though. And easily skipped over! :)

Diacanu said...

*Isolates just the theme*

Yeah, kinda Linkin Park-ish...

I can tolerate it.

hyla2 said...

Yep. I've actually built up a tolerance for it. The opener seems to go more quickly with the sound on, for some reason.

Watch out with the ep order on the YouTube though; either they or the wiki ep list I was using as a guide had things all effed up. The show started as a micro-series of ep fragments--kind of like the Tartakofsky Clone Wars shorts--and then started up as a regular length show.

But the listing I'd been using STARTED with the opening string of the FULL LENGTH eps, then jumped to combined versions of the mini-eps . . . which took place in show continuity BEFORE the full length eps (meaning the ep with Iron Man fighting Hydra outside the UN is the actual pilot ep). At least they have them in the right order on the DVDs.

Woo. Mouthful. Forewarned is yadda, though.

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