Oh-Em-Gee-Too!

So...this "God", character, he's beloved by millions, if not billions, and yet...the works of fiction that contain his various adventures...aren't exactly a good advertisement for his alleged virtues.
To put it mildly.

At least, that's the impression part 1 of this gave me, let's see if it gets any better.

Maybe I'm "missing", something...


The Seventh Sign

The film-

So, the end of the world is coming about Bible style, and only Demi Moore can stop it with her magic womb.

Well, at least you've got a woman playing a heroic role in the Jesus-verse for a change.
I mean, one who isn't a virgin for once.
That seems to be diabolically important for some reason, to some people.

Anyway, same cockbag God from "The Exorcist", but cranked up to eleven.
Same "clean up my spilled milk, humanity", bullshit in the end too.

The picture of God is not getting better so far....

Anyway, The Good News...

Naked Demi Moore!
She's knocked up, but hey, if that's your thing....
Remember when everyone lost their fuckin' minds over that nude knocked up magazine cover she did?
Well, she did this flick way before that.
And here, you see bush.

Gee, remember bush in movies?
Whatever happened to that?
Eh?

The history-

Rental.
I didn't pick it.


One Magic Christmas

The film-

Ohhh....I've wanted to tear into this one for a loooong tiiime!

I aaaalmost put this into the Santa review, but....it would have fucked up the positive vibe that one had going.

Anyway, this has got to be the most jaw-droppingly VILE fucking Christmas film I have ever fucking SEEN.

It brings me no end of dark joy to see that big fat Disney logo emblazoned right across this miserable evil turd.

So, Mary Steenburgen is a mother of two kids, and her husband is into fixing bikes, and they're all hanging by a financial thread, yadda, yadda...

And THEN, the husband is gut-shot by a bank robber, and fucking dies in front of the kids, and then the robber kidnaps the kids, and goes off on a high speed police chase, and veers off into a frozen lake, and everyone thinks the kids drowned, and Steenburgen has a nervous fucking breakdown.

Oh, and did I mention she got fired?

Ho-ho-ho!! Meeeerry Christmas!

Murder in a Christmas movie!
A Disney Christmas movie!
Enjoy!

Anyway, the kids aren't dead, they're rescued by their Creepy Guardian Angel played by Harry Dean Stanton.

Hey, Harry, where were you back at that fuckin' bank robbery?
Their dad coulda used some magic bullet deflecting there.
He's kinda fucking dead now.

So, everyone's more concerned about Mary Steenburgen getting back her stupid fucking "Christmas spirit", so Creepy Gaurdian Angel takes the kids to the North Pole to see Santa.
Yeah, you heard right, fuckin' Santa.

And Santa's like "well, geez, I just deliver fucking toys, kids, if want your dad re-animated, try Herbert West".

And they're all like "pleeeaase, Santa? We know you can do it, you conquered Martians, and beat up the fuckin' Devil!".

And Santa is like "seriously kids, I'm really just a metaphor for an abstract concept...I think it's "the spirit of giving", or some horseshit. Just because I'm theoretically "mystical", doesn't make me a fucking witch doctor. Why was I even the first person you fucking thought of for this? How old are you kids? And you, Angel, what the fuck is the matter with you? You're a grown ass man! You of all people should have known better! Look, people, I'm a busy man, I've got Kindles to stamp out, X-Boxes to hand solder, and all of this in a bad economy, this "bring back my daddy!", shit is the last fucking thing I need".

But, the children persist, and Santa gives them a letter to give to their mom.

It turns out to be the letter she wrote to Santa as a little girl, and then, she believes in Santa Claus, and gets back her Christmas Spirit, and this makes her wake up the next morning time warped into the day before everything went to shit, and prevents everything by...get this, being nicer to people with her new found Christmas-y-ness.
Sheesh, wasn't like she was a bitch before, or anything...

Yeah, turns out all the murdering bank robber needed was some kindly hobo-bucks slipped his way not to murder.

So, remember that, kiddies, Santa can resurrect your dad, God will take back tragedy in your life if you whine and beg enough to the right people, if these things don't happen for you, you're just not well connected enough, because you're not special enough, bad things in life unfurl because of something your mommy did, and buy off hobos, or they'll kill your dad, and it's your own fault if you don't.

How d'ya like them morals, eh?
Almost makes ya yearn for Moses back.
Almost.

Hard not to judge this one on its morals, cuz it's pretty much about them.
And it flings Angels and Christmas at ya, so there's no mistaking what morals.
I wonder if Christians even liked this...

The history-

Saw this at the theater as a kid.
Was expecting another "Santa Claus The Movie".

Had a heavy religious trip laid on me instead.

Walked out with a cold, bleak, eerie, goosebump-y, washed out, lead-in-the-gut feeling.

It wouldn't be the last time, indeed, this sensation has dogged large swaths of my adult life.
So, yeah, this film gave me a premature sip of adulthood.
It wasn't pleasant.

(Horror announcer voice)
One...magic...Chriiistmaaasss!


The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy

The series/film-

In this one, God has the good sense to fucking disappear, and never come back.

Best thing he's ever done.
Seriously.

The history-




Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

The film-

This one has Bill & Ted dead, and sauntering all over the afterlife for the whole middle chunk of the picture.

But, we only get God for less than a minute, and he only helps them by giving them a map of Heaven showing them where to find Station.

The only other clues to his mental workings we get, is in what a fucking mess the afterlife is in this.

It's way worse than "Heaven Can Wait".

Innocent people can be mugged in Heaven, The Future Saviors Of Humanity can be sent to Hell, meaning the letter of a rigid intractable moral code matters more than the causality of the fucking universe, said unjustly sentenced souls can however, trick their way out of it with the whole "beat the reaper", deal, and then all knowledge of this can be exposed to all of mankind at a rock concert, and not blow up existence the way it would in say, "Dogma".

But, at least it's a satire, and fucked up as God's Heaven is, good does triumph.
So, you can claim God meant it all to play out that way.

This viewpoint almost fixes "one magic Christmas", but...why give the people who made that any help?
They made their awful movie, let them lay in it.

So, yeah, Bill & Ted, love both flicks.
And, Carlin is in 'em.
He'll pop up again later.

The history-

Rental, own it, need to upgrade to DVD.


Dark Angel: The Ascent

The film-

Not to be confused with that dreadful 00's show starring Jessica Alba.

This is a fucking Charles Band movie, so naturally, it's a clunker.

If you don't know, Charles Band is kinda like Troma.

Well...Charlie wishes he were Troma...
Troma never went bankrupt, and Troma has always had a continuity of identity as Troma, no reboots.

But, I still get a kick out of some of his flicks.
Puppetmaster, Trancers, Subspecies, he did those.

I remember being deeply fascinated by this one when it was new.
For really no other reason, than the star, Angela Featherstone.
Major boner for her.
Yowza.

I gotta track this down, and see if it has the same effect.

It seems like only..well, not yesterday, but months ago, I saw this,...but it's been almost 20 fucking years, and in new photos, Featherstone is in her 50's.
*Sad sigh*
Dammit, time.
Maybe if I ask Santa...

"Santa, rewind time, and give me young Angela Featherstone in a box with a bow on it. Pleeease!?".

"First, you have to make Mary Steenburgen  believe in me. It's important".

Anyway, in this, Angela is kind of a cross between the chick from the "Underworld", movies, and Spawn, but as violent as Toxie.
This was WAY before "Underworld", understand.

That's right, Big Hollywood is using Charlie Band plots.
Savor that cold reality.

So, anything with Hell in it is also a God thing, cuz "gentle Jesus meek and mild", invented Hell.
Nice guy...

And, Angela is the bestest sexiest thing to crawl up from Hell's bowels.
So, hey, finally, paydirt!

So, I dunno quite how to grade God here....

Well, he sits on his thumbs, lets a demon escape from Hell, and lets her commit brutal acts of vigilantism, therefore cleaning up the mess of evil on the Earth he won't take care of, so...I guess he's still the Limp-Dicked Exorcist God.

The history-

The above covers it.


The Prophecy

The film-

Released a year after "Dark Angel: The Ascent", it's more or less the same formula.
Except, Christopher Walken is The Archangel Gabriel on Earth to kill people violently.

Doesn't it say something that all Christianity seems to be good for anymore is fuckin' horror movies?
Huh?

Anyway, there were 4 sequels to this.
If one of them isn't called "more cowbell", then I weep.

The history-

Tried watching one of 'em on SyFy, couldn't do it.
"Joe Dirt", left Walken with more dignity.


The Stand

The miniseries-

Stephen King's...interesting take on The End Of The World.

Here, God plays out another one of his "brilliant plans".
For his last "brilliant plan", see again "King of Kings".

So, the "brilliant plan", goes like this...

Be the same impotent eunuch in "Exorcist", and in the first one hundred thousand years of human history (see again "King of Kings") and watch as humanity is decimated by a genetically modified strain of super-flu.

Then, sit and watch some more, as the beleaguered and bedraggled immune remnants of humanity gather together.

The bad people in Vegas, the good people on a dumb little farm.

Then, pit these "forces", against each other for "the final battle".

Do this, by letting The Anti-Christ, in the form of one Randall Flagg run amok, and do whatever he fucking wants.
Y'know, like Pazuzu.
Y'know, for instigation, I mean, motivation.

And, give as the avatar of good...a centenarian old black lady on her last legs.
Y'know, for balance.

Jerk everyone around with vague dreams and visions as needed.

Beset the good people with extra tragedy for no good reason.

Then, when the time is right, and all the dumb visions have been decoded, get a small pitiful band to go into the lion's den of evil for some pointless abuse, manifest as a glowing hand, and set off a nuke, wiping out all the bad people.

Which...could have and should have been done in the first place, and without all the loss of innocent life.
See again, Noah's Ark in "The Bible".

And of course, this whole nuke thing naturally has the side effect of killing off more of your good guys.
Give no reason whatsoever for why they had to be there.

In the novel, let Flagg live, so this shit can happen all over again.

Bask in the dopey goo-eyed praise of the remaining suckers.
Jack off.
End of plan.

So...yeah, I'm glad I can totally blame cocaine for this story.

The history-

TeeVee.
Um...it got me hooked on the Blue Oyster Cult song "don't fear the reaper".
*Shrug*


The Devil's Advocate

The film-

Pacino as The Devil.
What more needs to be said?

Well, except the line "God likes to watch".

See "The Stand", "The Exorcist", The Holocaust, 9/11, etc, etc.

The history-

Showtime, I think...


The Messenger: 
The Story of Joan of Arc

The film-

A schizophrenic kills a bunch of people, and puts a rotten king on the throne, y'know, for France.
And cuz God said it was a good idea.

Well, France might not exist today if not for her, so, history is just messy sometimes I guess.

Milla Jovovich's big career defining pic in between "5th Element", and the Resident Evils.

Y'know...it's another one that's grown on me, I actually kinda like it.
Probably cuz Joan is portrayed as tragically nutty.
Don't ever say Milla can't act.

This one's on the total opposite polarity as "Brother Sun Sister Moon", in every way I can think of

The history-

Rental.


South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut

The film-

Yeah, with the exception of a handful of now classic episodes in the 00's, South Park pretty much peaked here.

The whole Heaven/Hell thing plays a big part on the SP-verse.

I love how everyone is in Hell, except the Mormons, but Mormon Heaven is hellishly boring, and even God doesn't like it.

*Laughs*

The history-

Y'know, it wasn't until about 5 years ago now, that it finally caught up to me that the title is a dick joke.
*Smacks forehead*


Jack Frost

The film-

Another from the "God will bring back your dead daddy", genre established by "One Magic Christmas".

What is it with Hollywood, and Christmas, and death?

Death and re-animation is an Easter thing, people.

Anyway, this would almost be a sweet movie if it didn't have the pall of death hanging over it.
I like to think Keaton's dark sense of humor picked this script.

The history-

Watched on basic cable to snark at it.
The above is the guts of that rambling boiled down.


Dogma

The film-

From here...

Eh, I've gotten past Smith's over-reliance on the Jay & Silent Bob characters, and this one's grown on me in the past 12 years.
And hey, it's got Carlin!
Tch, Smith hung out with Carlin & Stan Lee, don't think I ain't jealous...

This pissed off the Catholics, but what fucking doesn't?
The hoo-hah over this was way out of proportion.
But..again, ain't it always with religious folk?
Especially ones with fat wallets, and foolish hats meant to be impressive.

This, the 2 Clerks flicks, and "Zack & Miri make a porno", are the best Kevin Smiths
IMHO.
YMMV.

Well, this was fairly decent religious satire, but if you really want to see it done better, track down a copy of the original 1967 "Bedazzled", with Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.

Yeah, he pissed off the Catholics, even though he is one, and wrote this big ass-kissing rationalization, and, it didn't make them happy.

Then, "Jay And Silent Bob", had Jay's trademark homophobia, it's a fucking character saying this shit, one meant for ridicule, and GLAAD got their shorts in a wad, and he wrote an ass-kissing open letter to them that didn't make them happy.

Well, I've learned the lesson if he hasn't.

FUCK EM!!

You can't make people in "action groups", happy.
it's heir ugly job to be pissed.
So, fuck 'em.

If you don't like humor, kill yourselves.
Political correctness hasn't made the world better, it's made it worse, and if you can't see it, you're just stupid.

In fact, good humor is for pissing people off that need pissing off.
If you're not getting bitchy letters, you ain't doing your job.

So, Smith, stop kissing ass.
Wouldja?

While you're at it, quit your religion, it doesn't want you, and you don't wanna be in Heaven with those sour-pussed ingrates anyway.

Oh, right, and God has a vagina in this.
That probably pissed Catholics off more than anything.
Again, good.

The history-

Rental, cable, own.


End Of Days

The film-

The End Of Arnold.

Rehash the Apocalypse from "The Seventh Sign", toss in a hybrid-ripoff of Satan from "The Devil's Advocate", and Flagg from "The Stand", but less eloquent than either, and give heaping spoonfuls of "creeepy little giiirl siiiingiiing...creeeepy little giiiirl siiinging....creeeeeepy liiiiittle giiirl siiiingiiing....", until it thickens, until it won't stir anymore.

Flush down toilet.
Serves none.

The history-

Depressed rental.


Left Behind
Left Behind II: Tribulation Force

The films-

Sincere death-cult wish-fulfillment from a sincere death-cult.

Creeps me out talking about it, creeps me out having the pics up, creeps me out looking at Kirk Cameron's creepy vacant-eyed mug.

Creeps me out to no end that this trash is a bestseller.

But, no God-lit list would be complete without it.

At least "End of Days", and "Seventh Sign", were by cynical Hollywood, and "The Stand", was by a cokehead sloppily faltering for faith at that point of his life.

This loony bullshit has conviction.

Well, at least it looks like they both cost a hundred bucks.
But, so do Al-Queda tapes....

For more, see here.

The history-

Well....I heard a podcast by some atheist author, and lit-critic who laughs these off, saying essentially that while the target audience for these is busy stroking off to them, they can't get up to real mischief.
I guess there might be something to that...


Frailty

The film-

From here...

All right, the ending spoiled this at the last minute, but up until then, the whole psychological horror of a psycho-dad who thinks he's a superhero, but is really just a serial killer, was really a fuckin' cool idea.

I give it an A for effort, but a D overall, cuz that ending really blows.
Why put it on my list?
Eh, it did something really different I haven't seen before.
Hard to get that out of the horror genre anymore.

Well, I'll spoil one of the big twists for the sake of this category; turns out, the guy's power to see sin, thus, his bloodthirsty version of God, and his mission for this guy, are real.

So, Magic-Axe-Man really is a dark superhero, of the mold of Dark Angel, Gabriel, and the dead dudes.

The history-

Cable.


Bruce Almighty

The film-

Basically, the same plot as TNG's "Hide and Q", where Riker gets the powers of Q for a day.

Carrey learns...I guess "it's not easy being God", the larger lesson, "don't rail against your lot in life", or to put it the way it sorts out in "it's a wonderful life", cherish mediocrity.

Hollywood keeps serving that one up in various forms.

Well, at least Morgan Freeman is the best God we've had since George Burns, anyway....

And hey, yeah, God works for Batman.

Sort that head-trip out, theologians.
We know you ain't got anything fucking better to do.

The history-

Cable.
I chose X-Men 2 at the theater instead of this.
Like I said there, I think I made the better call.


Evan Almighty

The film-

Hollywood, don't take evil Bible stories, and make 'em cute anymore.

Stop making "cute", comedy period, wouldja?
Take this saccharine Capra-crap, and blow it out your asses.

If you're gonna spoof religion, have some fucking balls, like in the Python days.
No one's got any fucking balls anymore.

So, anyway, see again my rant on the "real", Noah's Ark.
That's some vile apocalypse-wank, but Hollywood had the balls to lay it steaming in our laps.

The history-

Cable.
TBS loves this kinda shit.
Neo-Capra, and Tyler Perry.
Like a grizzly  bear to fluffer-nutters they wolf it down.


The Passion of the Christ

The film-

Now see, this film has the balls to be what it is.

A homoerotic torture/snuff film directed by a crazy violent drunk Nazi.

Course, it was made out-of-pocket outside the Hollywood system, but still....

The plot?
Think "King of Kings", with (way) more beating the ever-living shit out of Jesus, and (way) less of anything else.

The history-

Didn't you just love it when church groups took small children en masse to this bloody R rated movie?
Boy, I sure did.
Laaaauughed, oh, how I laughed.
B-)


Phew, there, that's enough of this awful God fella.
Nope, it didn't get better.

Oh, wait, gotta throw in reruns that link to the topic....


The Toxic Avenger Part III:
The Last Temptation Of Toxie

The film/history-

See here.

Toxie fights the Devil, God sits on his thumbs, and bails Toxie out at the last minute with a powers recharge.

Yep, it's the God of "The Stand", again.


Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV

The film/history-

See here.

Ahhh....God is Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf!

Well...everything kinda makes sense now....


Time Bandits

The film/history-

See here...

"Retuuuurn the map!
Retuuurn what you have stolen from me!
Return!
Retuuuurn!".

Hee hee, this next bit says it all...

Kevin- "Why DO you allow evil?".

The Supreme Being-
*Seems taken aback, and then doesn't seem to know himself*
"....I think...it has something to do with free will".


Excalibur

The film/history-

See here...

Pretty much Joan of Arc's God, but with Joan, the killing really happened.
Being a myth, this is less sad though.


Super

The film/history-

See here...

Yup, Joan of Arc's God again...
Results are funnier though.


Any Vampire Movie Where Crosses Work

The films-

See here.

Same theology as "Exorcist", really, but the humans have a better fighting chance.


Anything where the dude is sent back for vengeance.

The films-

See here.

Same rules as "Dark Angel", same theology as the dad in "one magic Christmas", and "Jack Frost".
But these are way more fun than those latter two.


Ahh, there, NOW I'm done with this...

And, thanks to those reruns, it got a little better.

Yeah, this was all heavily tilted towards Judeo-Christianity, but hey, gimme the Mormon movie to shred, and I'll go after it.
Gimme the great big "Muhammed rapes Aisha", movie, I'll really go after it with a fuckin' buzzsaw.

American culture is Christian biased.
These are the films I had to work with.
*Shrug*

Up next....Space Spoofs!!