Spoiler Alert!: 2013

Previously with 2013-

• The big summer movie recap. (2013)
• Big summer movie recap-recap (2013)

Previously with these-

Spoiler Alert!: 2012


Explained it all last time, so let's just jump into it.
Oh, and again, spoilers.

1. Man Of Steel

Holy fucking shit!!
Superman finally lost his murder cherry!!!

I wanted SO badly to say that in the original review.
Six years later, here we are.

Superman was ripped off from Hugo Danner, and Hugo was lethal, so I'm fine with it.
Zack Snyder did his homework better than the crying fanboys did.
Good on ya, Zack.

Also...there's no way to interpret the ending of "Superman II", where Zod, Ursa, and Non didn't die.
Bare minimum, Superman man-slaughtered them by passively letting them fall into either freezing water, or jagged ice spikes.
And there's no way to interpret the ending of "Superman IV", where Nuclear Man wasn't disintegrated inside that nuclear reactor.
That was straight ahead hands-on murder.
And that was Christopher Reeve!
The sacred Superman!
The holy Superman!
And no one said a goddamned word!

So, yeah, shut up, fanboys.
You aren't the experts you think you are.
Get over yourselves.
Snyder owes you fuck-all for an apology, or punishment in his career.
Twats.

2. The World's End

Evil aliens gave us all our modern tech in exchange for being subservient, and keeping the secret that we ever even made contact.
Anyone who finds out the secret is mulched, and replaced with an android full of blue juice.

All of this is revealed during a reunion pub crawl with Simon Pegg and his buddies.

Simon Pegg's character is a ride-or-die rebel against authority (and alcoholic) who tells the aliens in the finale to fuck off, so they do.

But not before they blow up all our tech, and reduce our civilization back to the stone age.

I'm probably not supposed to, but I side with Simon Pegg.
The leaders of humanity didn't have to take the deal with the Devil, and the aliens didn't have to be assholes, and blow it all up.

Simon didn't blow up the world, the aliens did.
Fuck 'em.

And fuck the system.
If the bosses won't be moral, they gots to go.
Preferably with democracy, but if they burn down democracy, well...

3. Evil Dead (2013)

Mia is the final girl, and the new female Ash.
They throw you off the scent by possessing her, and fake killing her, but she recovers.

We were supposed to get a trilogy, where in part 3, she crosses over with Ash.

Instead, we got 3 seasons of "Ash vs Evil Dead", and then Bruce retired the character.

I still want an Evil Dead remake sequel where Mia meets up with Pablo, Kelly, and Brandy to tie it all together.
I won't hold my breath on that ever happening, but...nothing is impossible.
Marvel got Spider-Man back, and then X-Men and Fantastic Four back.
And Ghostbusters 3 is happening.
And we got a Punisher series.
Never say never.

4. Kick-Ass 2

The good guys take some losses, but then the Real Life Superhero Movement grows, and The Motherfucker and his minions are defeated by a bunch of fresh troops.

It's left wide open for part 3, but....its been 6 years, and Chloe Grace Moretz is all grown up, so....doesn't look like it's happening.

Moretz's star hasn't risen as fast as I would have liked, but she's getting up there.
If she can snag a Marvel or DC, or hell, a Star Wars, that'll break her through.
Here's hoping.

5. Despicable Me 2

Pointy nosed guy falls in love with Kristen Wiig, and they get married.
Cute, but I heard Part 3 is ass.

I missed Kristen Wiig's years on SNL, so this was my first exposure to her, if you can believe it.
Second was "Paul".

I had a bunch of homework to do on 3 out of the 4 female Ghostbusters in 2016.
Time well spent, I'm a fan of them all, and "Ghostbusters: Answer The Call".

6. The Wolverine

Led right into "Days Of Future Past", which was the "The Avengers", of the Fox X-Men-verse, which still hasn't been topped.

And then the director of this got his second shot to get it right with "Logan", and nailed it.

Spoilers for this...hmm...oh, right, the old man youths himself with Wolverine's stolen healing factor, and is the Silver Samurai.
Ehh.....the third act is cartoony, but the first two acts are well acted and done.

7. Thor: The Dark World

"Avengers: Endgame", redeems the fuck out of this.

So, yeah, The Aether is the red infinity stone, and its given to The Collector which leads into "Guardians Of The Galaxy", and pays off in "Infinity War", and "Endgame".

This movie matters.
Suck it, haters.

8. Iron Man 3

Also pays off in "Endgame".
Tony's PTSD arc, the Pepper Potts romance, and even the kid pops up again.

And The Mandarin is fake.
He's an actor hired by Aldrich Killian.

Fanboys cried about that too.
They cry about everything.

Kevin Feige says the real Mandarin will pop up in a future film.

The way the plan for everything came together like a solved Rubik's Cube in "Endgame", people should just have faith in Feige, and shut up, and stop blubbering.

9. Star Trek Into Darkness

I spoiled it back then.
Kumberbatch is Khan.
It never should have been secret in the first place.

Also, 50 years later, Starfleet still has a problem with evil Admirals.
This time, Peter Weller.

Either Starfleet only promotes evil Captains, or something about promotion drives Admirals fucking insane.

Star Trek needs a new trope.
This one is played.

10. Pacific Rim

It's "Independence Day", with robots.
The sequel was a failure.
Kiss this franchise goodbye.

11. Elysium

Message- eat the rich.

"The World's End", did it better.

12. World War Z

Brad Pitt has plot armor as thick as the Hulkbuster suit.
Naturally, he pulls through.
Yawn.


And, that was those twelve.
Next time, 2014!