Previously with 2014-
Previously with these-
Again, let's just get to it.
Spoilers!!
1. Guardians Of The Galaxy
The Guardians win, except Groot dies.
But he grows back from a twig, and becomes Baby Groot.
I dearly wanted to talk about Baby Groot, and how Disney was caught with their pants down, and didn't have Baby Groot merchandise out in time, cuz they didn't forsee a movie about obscure characters being such a monster hit.
But, spoilers, and ethics, so...I had to button my lip.
Well, there, now I have talked about it.
And Disney has more than closed the Baby Groot merch gap.
And we got Baby Groot out the wazoo in Guardians 2.
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Winter Soldier is Bucky!!
It's BUCKYYYY!!!
Phew, there!
And now he's getting his own Disney+ show.
3. X-Men: Days Of Future Past
Like I said in the 2013 entry, the "Avengers", of X-Men.
The original and "First Class", casts cross over.
And young Mystique does a face-turn, and reboots the timeline, and purges out "The Last Stand".
Yep, this is the one.
This is the one where the timelines got tricky for the average person.
But, I'm above-average, so I sorted it out for ya.
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4. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Gwen Stacy dies.
And Andrew Garfield acts the shit out of it.
Too bad the other stupid shit dragged the rest of the movie down.
If it had just been the Peter/Gwen story, it would have been a beloved film, but the studio had to sell toys, so it was crammed full of villains, and bogged down.
No..."too many characters", has been a refrain since "Batman Forever", but that's bullshit, because we just had "Endgame", with hundreds of characters, and that was good.
It's how you manage the screentime of those characters.
"Batman Forever", and "Amazing Spider-Man 2", just crammed, and didn't let characters breathe.
All that said, it's not a horrible film, I actually kinda enjoy it for what it is.
Oh, and other spoiler, it tries to set up a Sinister Six movie by having Vulture's wings, Doc Ocks tentacles, Scorpion's stinger, and other villain gizmos all built by Ozcorp.
We all know how that all turned out.
5. Edge Of Tomorrow, A.K.A Live Die Repeat
Tom Cruise gets "Groundhog Day", powers from accidental exposure to alien blood,
After a bunch of loops, thy pull a Star Trek: Voyager, and history erase the whole alien war away.
It's better than Voyager though, trust me.
Execution matters.
And Emily Blunt steals the movie.
Cuz she's Emily Blunt.
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6. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For
I saw this again recently, and it's even goofier than I remembered.
But, I also re-watched the original, and that's starting to look goofy too.
I dunno, back in '05 it felt deep, and it massaged something in my broken bleeding male soul.
Now, not as much.
I guess I'm growing up.
Despite my stubborn resolutions not to.
The first is still better though.
So, spoilers....
Marv is alive somehow.
Don't try to find a way to resolve the chronology of his life and death in the first one.
Your ears will bleed.
Also, Nancy* and Marv team up and kill Howard Roarke.
Again, trying to make this make chronological sense with the first film will make your ears bleed.
*That's Nancy with the black hair and scars on the poster.
If you loved the original, skip this one.
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7. Godzilla
Giant bugs with cum for skin show up.
Godzilla kills them.
Bryan Cranston dies too quick.
He was there in the commercials to trick you into watching this thing.
They'd better not kill Millie Bobby Brown in the sequel.
I'm not watching it at the theater to find out.
Neither is anyone else, apparently.
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8. Lucy
Scarjo gets juiced by brain-steroids, and gets mental powers, and evolves into a glob of nanites, and then distills down to a flash drive.
In my mental fan-canon, the flash drive becomes "Her", and falls in love with Joaquin Phoenix.
Basically, it's female "Lawnmower Man", with kicking and punching and shooting.
It's not great.
Skip it.
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9. Transcendence
If "Lucy", was "Lawnmower Man", this is "Lawnmower Man 2".
With a wife beater.
Ohhhhh!!!!
Oh, snap!
Oh, snap!!
No he di'n't!!
No he di'n't!!
Yes, I did, muthafucka.
*Mic drop*
And that was 2014.
Next time, 2015!
1 comment:
What happened with "Sin City" was that between 2005 and now you realized that Frank Miller was sort of a rightwing crankpot douche and you don't like those people anymore so you're having a hard time liking Miller now. Marv's scenes and Dwight's (Josh Brolin's) scenes take place before the original SC. They also had a bunch of people who weren't in the original playing parts from the original.
I think the big failure in the movie was the Joseph Gordon Levitt subplot. Now that Levitt is no longer the most overhyped actor in Hollywood people can look back at this part with clear eyes and realize that it's just a really weak story about a doomed kid. Levitt couldn't do anything with it but probably no actor could.
The original SC - I watched it probably ten times so I'm probably not going to watch it anymore but if you're just looking for entertainment, it's still a lot of fun.
I was never really in love with Johnny Depp as an actor. He's given some good performances but I think the fact that he turned up on the cover of "Rolling Stone" three times a year somehow gradually soured me on him, so I didn't really feel any big loss when he turned out to be the new Ike Turner. I'll bet RS did, though, since they'd have a hard time defending that.
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