Previously with 2015-
The big 2015-2017 movie recap.
Previously with these-
Here we go!
Spoilers!
"What, still?".
Yes, goddammit!
1. Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Han Solo is killed by Kylo Ren.
And Luke is only in the last minute and a half.
And he says nothing.
Most frustrating cliffhanger ever!
The "Last Jedi", haters rip their hair out about how Rian Johnson treated Luke; muthafuckas, be mad at J.J. Abrams for making Johnson have to write his way out of that cliffhanger!!
How the fuck would you explain him being on that island, and not have it be fan-fic bullshit??!?
Your ass couldn't.
You think you could, but it would only make yourself happy, and be a flop.
Johnson did the best version a human being could.
1.5 billion at the box office says so.
You don't crack a billion without re-watches, and re-watches says people liked the fucking movie.
But nope, for some reason J.J. is bulletproof on this.
The fan narrative covers his ass.
Whatever, I like TFA and TLJ, and I can't wait for TROS.
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2. Mad Max: Fury Road
Furiosa is the real protagonist.
And I still want more of her adventures.
3. Creed
Um...y'know, there's really no big "twists", in the Rocky-verse, it's all about character.
Creed loses by split decision, if that helps ya.
But even then, it's never been about who wins, it's what the characters do after.
4. Ash vs Evil Dead (season 1)
Well, I already spoiled every detail in the individual episode reviews.
Okay, I'll boil it down.
Who wins?
Ash's character flaws win.
He sells out humanity to be left alone, and have his Florida retirement.
Fanboys didn't scream and cry about that ending!
Cuz Ash ain't held precious on a pedestal like Luke Skywalker,.
Fans know Ash's an asshole!
...also, we knew we were getting season 2. ;-)
5. Avengers: Age Of Ultron
It's like I said with "Iron Man 3", and "Thor: The Dark World",
This pays off like gangbusters in "Endgame".
Everything does.
Well, not so much "The Incredible Hulk".
They still need to address the fate of Abomination and Leader someday.
Anyway, spoilers...
Quicksilver dies.
Vision is born.
Ultron is destroyed.
A Ukranian town called Sokovia is destroyed, and this ripples out into "Civil War".
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6. Ant-Man
Sokovia is referenced from "Ultron".
The quantum realm is set up for "Endgame".
Spider-Man is vaguely referenced.
Wasp is set up in the mid credits.
"Civil War", is set up in the after credits.
Turns out this unassuming little movie was the pivot point of the whole MCU.
7. The Human Centipede 3 [Final Sequence]
The bad guy wins.
But come on, did the good guys even come close to winning in the first two?
Really?
No.
No, they didn't.
This is a pretty nihilistic franchise.
But here's the real spoiler.
The secret deleted ending on the DVD/Blu-Ray has Billy Boss wake up as Doctor Heiter from the first movie, and he sets up all his equipment to get ready for the events of HC1.
It's an infinite time loop.
Muahahhaaa!!
8. Terminator Genisys
John Connor gets nanite-absorbed, and becomes a Terminator.
Terminator 2, 3, 4, and most of T1 get erased.
None of this bullshit matters, because "Terminator: Dark Fate", erases this one.
9. Jurassic World
....y'know what?
Just watch the original "Jurassic Park", again.
10. Fantastic Four
They did the thing again of Doctor Doom being the fifth member of the group who goes bad because he has a boner for Sue.
Yeah, you don't need to do that a third time.
It's not comic accurate, but even if it were, enough already.
Don't do that, MCU.
Oh, and Doctor Doom can make people's heads explode like "Scanners", in this one, but he never thinks to use this on the FF.
Because of this, he loses.
What, did he run out of magic points for that spell?
Did the dice roll not come up right?
Explain this, movie!
Whatever, Fox wanted to squeeze out one last buck before Marvel got them back.
11. Vendetta
Dean Cain is in Christian anti-abortion movies now.
That's all you need to know.
And that's those.
Next time, 2016!
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