Friday, September 12, 2008

The Krazyfool Show!

(A sperm enters an egg, cells divide.
Time lapse of a fetus developing.
Cut to Krazyfool fully grown, clothing and all curled up in a fetal position in a set
made to look all fleshy.)

(A midget dressed up as a gray UFO abduction type alien is lowered down next to Krazyfool on a rope.
The midget/alien has the added feature of fake looking wire antennae with red glitter covered hearts at the ends sticking out of his fake rubber bulbous head.)

Alien- Time for the show Krazy! Waaake uuup Kraaazy. Waaaake up!

Krazyfool-*Opens eyes* Yaaawwn! Um num num. Not today Alium, there's only heartbreak and disappointment out there.

Alium- Tough shit you weird faced bastid! *Pulls a cartoon lever on the fleshy uterine wall that makes Krazy fall downward with a "kerflussshhhh", sound*

(Krazyfool is set against bluescreen footage of an endoscopic gynecological probe.
It makes it look like Krazyfool is falling through the vaginal tract like sliding down a chute.)

Krazyfool- WHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Alium- Whheeeeee?

(Opening credits animation with clips of various past episodes.)

Announcer- It's the hallelujah, holy shit, biff bam boom, anything goes KRAAAAAZYFOOOOL SHOOOOOWW!!!!
With tonight's special guests, Christina Ricci!! Cyndi Lauper!! Jeff Goldblum!! Warren Beatty!! Danny Devito!!
With the Krazyfool orchestra and the usual cavalcade of characters!!!

(Cut to the talkshow stage.)

(The song "Black Sabbath", by Black Sabbath plays in the background.
When the song gets to the part where Ozzy screams "OHH GODD PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!", Krazyfool emerges on stage from a chute that ends with a giant Krazyfool head with dry ice smoke coming from the mouth. An effect of a synthesizer deepened voice going "MUUAAHAHAAA!! MUUAAHAHA!!", is dubbed over for the duration of Krazyfool's exit from the giant mouth.)

Announcer- Now here's your host FUUUCKINGGG KRAAAAAZYFOOOOLLL!!!!!!!!!

(Instead of a canned applause track, sounds of moaning and orgasming is played.
Krazyfool seems oblivious to this, and jogs up to his mark with a sarcastic deliberate stupid grin on his face.)

Krazyfool- Welcome ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you today.
Well, let's cut through the bullshit and get to the monologue shall we?
Have you heard bout this new pill Viagra??? Is this kooky or what?? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?? Am I right folks??

(Cut to the studio audience, which consists of a 10 year old boy with a propeller beanie, the dwarf from the opening with his mask now off, an 80 year old man in a fishing cap, a 50 year old woman in a fairy costume, and up in the back row, a couple in their mid 20's actually fucking.
The other audience members seem oblivious to this, but you can tell it's been coached ahead of time as the boy and the dwarf keep looking out the corner of their eyes.)

(The camera zooms in on the guy's cock plunging in and out of the vagina and holds there for an uncomfortably long 30 seconds that seem like an eternity.)

(While this takes place, Zam Fir pan flute music plays in the background.
At the bottom of the screen are the words "FCC penalties", next to a telethon style counter rapidly spinning.
The numbers are already racked up to 5 million closing in on 6.)

(All of a sudden, the guy reveals himself to be drunk off his ass and starts shouting. The camera pulls back to reveal him shouting and hooting like a sports fan.)


(The girl pulls her shirt up to reveal her tits are painted her school colors)

Fucking couple in unison- GO MEERKATS!!! GO MEERKATS!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!

Krazyfool- Well, that's enough of that foolishness. You've spoiled it for all of us.
Back to the goddamn thankless monologue you awful selfish people you.
So, have you heard the latest in science? It seems we're in a godless senseless universe that's spiraling towards its inevitable destruction like a loose chariot wheel flying off its axle after all.
Still, you gotta laugh! It's really funny when you sit down and think about it! You assholes are gonna die!! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! Oh yeah, that stuff is just funny to me. Sorry. No I'm not.
In celebrity news, some plastic phony people got divorced, while the ones who got divorced yesterday got remarried. Why don't they just have wife swapping orgies and be done with it??
Ahh fuck Hollywood , and they call the south inbred.
The only haven for creativity in American cinema is Troma and I'll shoot in the face with a gatling gun the first damn dirty oily haired Mexican who says otherwise.
BTW, religion is a crutch for weak minded fat Negro housewives, and the New York subway system is loaded with queers with AIDS who'll fuck you if they get the chance.
Am I right little baby JC??

(Cut to pre-filmed footage of a rubber baby puppet in a high chair. Except the baby has a sloped Neanderthal-ish furrowed angry brow that obscures his eyes. He also has a jutting jaw, five o clock shadow and is biting down on a stogie.)

Baby JC- (Badly dubbed pre-recorded voice of an angry New Yorker as the puppet mouth barely keeps sync) JEEEEZUS!!!! JEEEEEZUS CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Krazyfool- Hey, howabout this whole Monica Lewinsky on Jenny Craig controversy eh?? I won't bore you with all the "protein diet", jokes all the other hosts are doing, so this monologue is over.

(Krazyfool gives a hate filled look to the orchestra who looks back at him with equal enmity.
The orchestra crosses their arms and refuses to play. This awkward unexplained moment lasts 4 seconds but seems to last 15 seconds.)

(Krazyfool turns to head towards his desk.)

(Camera pulls back to reveal the talkshow set is set up in a warehouse building the size of a Target store.
The entrance curtain, orchestra and audience bleachers are at one end, and Krazyfool's desk is all the way at the other.
Krazyfool runs deep and hard to the desk which takes about 25 seconds, an eternity on TV.)

Krazyfool-*Takes a drag off asthma inhaler* HUHHHHHHH!!! Ahhhhh that's the stuff!
Okay, time for banter with the sidekick "sigh, this always death".

(Krazyfool presses a button on his desk.
With a really bad camera edit, in which everything jumps, Pheemp appears in the sidekick/guest chair.)

Krazyfool-So how's things going with you??

Pheemp- Okay.

Krazyfool- How far along are you in Pet Sematary now??

Pheemp- I'm half way through, it's getting really good.

Krazyfool- Have you got to the part, oh shit, I don't want to give it away if you haven't. Have you gotten to the part where the THING happens?? Y'know the THING????

Pheemp- Which part do you mean?

Krazyfool- Oh forget about it, you'd know what part I meant if you'd read it. It was like the thingiest thing in the book, it's the THING y'know? You'd know it if you read it trust me.

Pheemp- *Rolls eyes* So.... what was up with those people..uh..doing it...that was DISTURBING don't you think??

Krazyfool- You weren't supposed to acknowledge that, now the joke is ruined. Damn your eyes!!

Pheemp- Sor-RY!!

Krazyfool- Well, the director is giving me the "cut it short", signal.

Pheemp- No he's not.

Krazyfool- Porno must've ate up the time. Sorry Pheemp, time to say goodbye.

(Canned audio of audience going "awwwww")

Pheemp-I'm the sidekick!! I'm supposed to stay through the show!

Krazyfool- Yeah, well, it's just as the writer I can't imagine everything you'd really say through this whole thing. I've got enough trouble predicting my own erratic behavior. *Pushes the desk button again*

(With an even worse bad editing effect, Pheemp becomes a mylar cell with his picture glued on held over the camera lens. The cameraman removes it.)

The real Pheemp reading this at home- That bastard!! That...fucking...BASTARD!!!!!

Krazyfool- Oh yeah, I forgot to mention tonight's guests are Christina Ricci, Cyndi Lauper, Jeff Goldblum, Warren Beatty, and Danny Devito.
Here's a commercial.

(Cut to pre-filmed commercial starring Krazyfool)

(Krazyfool is standing in a labcoat holding a big blue box with the word "POB", emblazoned on it in big yellow letters.)

Krazyfool- *Points to the box* (with a really weird growly/caveman grunty voice) AAAAAHHH.
*Lets tongue dangle out stupidly*

(Cut back to show.)

Krazyfool- There, they won't ask me to do THAT again!

(A "clanking", sound is heard off camera. The camera turns to reveal a drumstick hurled in anger by the drum player that only made it a few yards across the warehouse. The reason for the separation between the host becomes immediately clear.)

Krazyfool-(Caught in a split second of relaxing face from hate filled grimace of rage back to jovial demeanor.) Without further ado, let's introduce our first guest, Warren Beatty!!!

(Warren Beatty steps out nervously from the entrance curtain and makes a break for the desk fearing being pelted by a drumstick, or something heavier.)

Krazyfool-(With fear in his face) RUN DAMMIT RUUUUUN!!!!!!!

Warren Beatty- (Breathing heavily) I..made it..phew!

Krazyfool- So you did Ishtar boy.

Beatty-*Laughs it off with a not-quite-a-laugh-grin-that says "that's not too funny, but I'm being cordial".*

Krazyfool- So, what the fuck WAS with Ishtar anyways?? I mean what the fucking hell?? EH??? EHHH!!!???

Beatty- Hey, listen buddy...

Krazyfool- No YOU LISTEN!!!!!! I only made it twenty minutes into that piece of dung and it's twenty minutes I'll never get back!!!!

Beatty- Can we talk about my campaign for President?

Krazyfool- WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!!?!?!?! I'm raking you over the coals about ISHTAR here!! Jesus Christ man!! NO!! Alright!? No, we WON'T be talking about your goddamn "bid for president", what a fucking JOKE!! You were in ISHTAR for Christ's sake!! Clinton just got a blowjob!! YOU were in ISSHTAAARR!!!! OHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beatty- Listen motherfucker!!!

(Krazyfool puts a 357 magnum under warren Beatty's nose.)

Krazyfool- (Whispering in a very scary tone) I'm calling the shots now muthafucka!

Beatty-*Trembles in fear*

Krazyfool- I'm your god now understand?

Beatty- *Nods with a single tear streaming down face*

Krazyfool- Now, I need some entertainment for our guests. So, I want a show from you bitch.

Beatty- *Nods again, trembling and sobbing*

Krazyfool- You know I'm actually nuts enough to kill you don't you??

Beatty- *Nods*

Krazyfool- Smart lad. Okay, time to do a trick, doggie.
Hmm....I know. Shit your pants.

Beatty- *Looks up in horror*

Krazyfool- *Waves the gun* You heard me, shit your fucking pants. Good and full.

Beatty- (Tears stream in humiliation and rage as he grunts out a loaf into his drawers.)

Krazyfool- PEE YOO!! Oh my God!! He actually did it folks!!!!

Beatty-*Hangs head in emotional destruction*

Krazyfool- Okay, has he suffered enough folks??

(Canned cheers)

Krazyfool- *Pulls the trigger. A flag that says "Bang", pops out* HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

(I don't have an ending for this, so hired goons just drag Beatty away.)

Krazyfool- Now, for our next guest, star of Sleepy Hollow, Christina Ricci everybody!

(Christina Ricci having got a head start during her introduction, has already made it to her seat and shakes hands with Krazyfool.)

Christina Ricci- There was no TV in the green room, did I miss something? The audience is going all weird.

Krazyfool-Nope, just some jokes and stuff. Well, one of the animal acts made a mess. No real biggy.
Tell us about your latest project.

Ricci- Well...

Krazyfool- (Utters in a low, trying not to be heard, but still audible, creepy high-pitched "here doggie", voice) Christiiinaaa Riiiiicciiiiiii. Christiiiiinaaaaa Riiiiiiiicciiiiiiiiii.

Ricci- .........

Krazyfool- Go on.

Ricci- (Really creeped out now) Uh....what was I...? What the hell were you just doing??

Krazyfool- What? Oh, the voice thing? That's just some silly in-joke thing my co-host Pheemp and I. He dared me to do the weirdest thing I could think of if certain celebrities came on.
We sat around thinking and that's what we came up with for you. Trust me, you got lucky. We got to you towards the end of the day, the other celebs didn't get off so lucky.

Ricci- Uhh..alright then...

Krazyfool- Finish what you were saying.

Ricci- Uh yeah. Well in this new movie I play.....

Krazyfool- (In creepy high-pitched dog calling voice again) Criiistiiiiinaaaaa Riiiiiiicciiiiiii. Enricciiiiii Tiiiiiikkiiiiiii. Rich thick and beeeeeeeefyyyyyyy.


Krazyfool-.....................What? Oh, you're still on about the voice thing??

Ricci- Yeah, would you stop that?

Krazyfool- *Thinks about it*........No.

Ricci- *Leaves*

Krazyfool- *Holds up an action figure of Wednesday from Addams Family* Chriiiiistiiiinaaaa Riiiiiiiiiciiiiii!!!! *Holds up a toy of a Tikki head* Enriiiiicciiii Tiiiiiiikkiiiiiii!!!!
*Hits the two toys together like they're fighting. Then, begins rubbing them together like they're humping. He then throws the toys back towards the band but the distance is too far.*

(Krazyfool snaps out of it and composes self in 2 seconds and snaps back into goofy grinning host mode.)

Krazyfool- Well, okay. Let's squeeze in another guest before the music, what say eh?

(Most of audience has left. Only the old man and the dwarf remain.)

Krazyfool- Now for our next guest, Penguin from Batman Returns, Daanny Devitooo!!!

(Danny Devito likewise got a head start and is at the desk to shake hands with Krazy.)

Devito- Man, I saw the wacky stuff you were doing backstage! This show is totally WILD!! I love it!!!

Krazyfool- Really? Aww shucks (blushes). Hey, there's no TV backstage how did you see what was going on!?!?

Devito- Godblum did some stuff with his I-mac. Patched it in or something.

Krazyfool- I see....

Devito- You're Krazy alright, but you just may be a genius.

Krazyfool- I dragged him out there to quote that line folks!
So, what was it like being Penguin in Batman???

Devito-(Laughs) Batman!?!? That was 8 YEARS ago now!!

Krazyfool-.......really?? Shit, I'm feeling old now.

Devito- Yeah, being the penguin was cool. I liked the part where I bit the guy's nose off (laughs.)

Krazyfool- Yeah, that was cool. Jesus, 8 years ago. Holy SHIT! I just came to! It's been 20 damn years since 1980!! Holy crap man!!! My youth is flying away here!!! Shit!......SHIT!

Devito- (Amused grin) You gonna be okay pal?

Krazyfool- Yeah, I'm all bored with that train of thought. Speaking of trains, what the hell was up with throw momma from the train??? That ending was fucked!

Devito- Hey, you ain't gonna go all "Ishtar", on me are you??

Krazyfool- Psshht, heck no. That was ISHTAR for cryin' out loud. Action needed to be taken.

Devito- Well, yeah, the ending of Throw momma from the train was all screwed up.

Krazyfool- THANK YOU!

Devito-.......Howabout we talk about Twins now? (Grins).

Krazyfool-........damn, I need a woman so bad. Uh yeah, Twins yeah sure. Go nuts.
(Stares off into daze of painful memories.)

Devito- Yeah, Arnold's a pretty cool guy. *Grins while making a "get a load of this guy", gesture in Krazyfool's direction*.

Krazyfool- ....Why couldn't she love me??? I tried so hard......oh, ahem! Uh yeah, that was a great story Danny, we should have you back sometime.

Devito- (Gives a "help me out here, what do I do, just leave?", look to the cameramen and audience and anyone who can shed some light. No dice.) *Shrugs* okay, bye.

(Suddenly, a big green fleshy tentacle wraps around Danny Devito.)

Devito- Heh hehhh this show is just nuts!! This thing is crushing the life out of me over here!!

Krazyfool- Damn you tentacle!! Damn you to HEEELLL!! *Dives out of chair and begins beating on the tentacle*

(Captain Kirk fight music begins to play).

Krazyfool- Let Devito go you foul abomination!! Fie!! Fie upon thee foul fooferaud!!!

(Ba da da da da da daaaa da da daaa DA!!)

Krazyfool- Let him go you goddamn THING you!!!

Devito- You...did your best........(the tentacle pulls him off stage. A gurgling "crunch", is heard.)

Krazyfool-Actually, I probably could have tried a little harder.

(Hangs head and walks back to desk.)

Krazyfool- (Sits in daze of emotional pain again, the clinking of another drumstick being hurled snaps him out of it) Oh yeah, the musical guest.
Shit, we don't have one.
I guess I'll have to lip synch to an album again.

*Groans from the band and crew*.

(Krazyfool Lip synchs to "The Dreamers", by David bowie and does a fairly passable job at it. All the while doing some rudimentary little slight of hand tricks. The place is really wowed when Krazyfool, during the last really big chorus, actually flies out into the audience and does some tight maneuvering around the set putting the blue angels to shame.)

Krazyfool- *Sits back down after number is over* Yeah, so I can fly. Now you know. Big deal. Why don't you go tell all your goodtime pals now??

(With some really clever juggling of bluescreens, it suddenly appears that the whole roof of the building is being torn off. Holding up the roof and looking down in on Krazyfool is a giant old lady in a floral print dress.)

Krazyfool- *Grins 5 times more idiotically than before, and points upward in mock childish wonder*.

Big Giant Granny- Oh you HORRID little man!!!! *waves finger*.

Krazyfool- *Stares blankly with a "Gawrsh!", look on face until BGG lowers the ceiling back down and goes away*
Our next guest, is the dame what wrote and sung She-bop and one of the top ten broads I'm like, totally psychotically obsessed with! Cyndi Lauper!!!

(Cyndi Lauper takes the long walk all the way from the entrance curtain. Fortunately, she is unmolested by any hurled objects.)

Krazyfool- Cyndi , I'm not even gonna bother with the preliminaries, I love you!! Marry me now or I'll die! For the fate of all mankind marry me!!

Cyndi- Wow! I'm so flattered! Sorry, I'm already married.

Krazyfool- Really? You sure?

Cyndi- Umm, Yeah.

Krazyfool- Cyndi, you are my Helen of Troy! My Dulcinea!! If I cannot take you as my wife may I at least fight in your service as your loyal knight and devote my quests in your name???

Cyndi- Uhh Sure. (Pronounced Shoo-wa.)

Krazyfool- Okay, cool, good enough then. So got a new album?


Krazyfool- Jeez, we really could have used your singing awhile ago.
That lip synching and flying stuff really ate it back there!!

Cyndi- Yeah, I watched it on Goldblum's I-mac.

Krazyfool- Pssht, Goldblum and his bloody I-mac! Hey, you guys did Vibes together didn't you??

Cyndi- Yeah we...

*Star Trek red alert buzzer*

Krazyfool- Ahhh shit, not NOW!

Cyndi- What??

Krazyfool- Ahh, it's the sunsabitchin' Klingons again.

(Camera angle changes to behind Krazy facing outward. The area a couple yards in front of Krazyfool's desk is now chroma keyed into the viewscreen of the Starship Enterprise.)

(The screen wavers, and a Klingon appears on the viewer.)

Klingon- Jak Dok!! Surrender Hu-mon!

Krazyfool- Nope. *Taps the button that formerly performed the Pheemp disappear/reappear effect in a rapid fire fashion*.

(Stock footage of the Enterprise firing photon torpedoes looped repeatedly. Stock footage of a Klingon ship getting blown to shit. The Klingon reappears on Krazyfool's viewscreen with some fake purple blood down his head.)

Klingon- Ker plop!! We will meet on the field of battle again!!!!

Krazyfool- Nope *Pushes the all purpose button, this time holding it like an intercom button*.
Scotty, channel the sewage through the transporter beam and target it on their bridge!

Recording of Scotty from show- Aye cap'n.

*Real shit splashes down on the Klingon*.

Klingon- (Out of character) Sniff. Aww man, this is REAL SHIT!! You FUCKING ASSHOLE, MAN!!!

Krazyfool- Yep. *pushes button*.

(Klingon disappears from screen.)

(All this time Cyndi Lauper has just sat in horrified silence.)

Krazyfool- Well, it was nice having you. Maybe next time you can sing us a little song. Eh?

Cyndi- Yeah, next time maybe I will. *Shakes hands and leaves*.

Krazyfool- *Faces the guest/sidekick chair* Do you think she was just giving me the big brush-off??

(An edited in split screen duplicate of Krazyfool but in a black denim jacket is now sitting there.)

Krazyfool2- (Sarcastically) No, she really wants you.

Krazyfool- There's no need to be like that.

A jar of apple sauce- Yeah, chill out man.

Krazyfool- I dunno, that Star trek bit was kinda stupid.

Krazyfool2- Fire some writers, that's what they're there for!

Krazyfool- Once again, you're right evil me. Thanks! *Pushes the button*.

(Cut to a room full of Starbucks sipping, goatee having, flannel wearing college boys sitting around a table writing unfunny shit for TV. Suddenly, the same shit that splashed down on the Klingon pours down on them, but in much more substantial quantities.)

(The writers look up dumfounded at the camera viewing them.)

Krazyfool- Oh yeah, you're fired too.
*Pushes the button*.

(The close-up footage of copulating genitalia from the begining of the show plays again.)

Krazyfool- Nope, not that again *pushes button*.

(Scene is replaced with another porno of lesbians having oral sex.)

Krazyfool- There, that's better. *watches for a bit*. Okay, that's enough. *pushes button and it stops*.
Now, for our final guest, Jeff Goldblum.

(Goldblum has been standing there for the last 3 minutes holding his I-mac under his arm.)

Krazyfool- Jeff, I gotta start by saying, I think of some genuinely profound stuff when I'm sitting on the shitter.

Goldblum- .....

Krazyfool- one of the things that occurred to me, is that I absolutely cannot imagine you saying the words "stinky winky".

Goldblum- Stinky winky????

Thanks Jeff, goodbye.

Goldblum-What....what the? yes....uhmmm..............

(Goldblum walks off in a flabbergasted stupor.)

Krazyfool- Oh, look, he left his I-mac! Free I-mac folks!! *Picks it up and looks at it*.
*Blinks a few times*.
*Throws I-mac carelessly over shoulder. The crunch of plastic and the tinkling of glass is heard off camera*.
Goodnight everybody!

(Clip of the fucking shows again. Once again accompanied by the FCC fines counter which jacks up to 8 million as the credits roll.)

(End credits animation includes reverse film of Krazyfool turning back into a fetus and splitting back into a sperm and egg. Animation of Krazy guy getting carted off to loony bin is the last thing we see as the "BWWEEEEEEEEEEDIDDLE DIDDLE DIDDLE DUUUUUUUMMM!!!", from "a day in the life", by the Beatles plays.

The End.


B. D. said...

Your idea of you sliding onto stage against footage of a gynecological probe has probably been ripped off by now.

So that's where the phrase "Hangs head in emotional destruction" comes from. I've had that in my head for years and didn't know where I'd seen it.

Diacanu said...

"Your idea of you sliding onto stage against footage of a gynecological probe has probably been ripped off by now".

You would think, but I still haven't seen it.
If you ever do, throw up a Youtube link.

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