Superhero Flicks, Part 24: Video Games To Movies (Part 2)

All right, waited long enough, let's wrap up these vidya game flicks, what say?


Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

The film-

Seen bits of it.
Wasn't impressed
Couldn't tell ya if it was a good adaptation or not.
The Resident Evils kick this thing's ass, if you can believe that....

The history-

N/A


Lara Croft Tomb Raider: 
The Cradle Of Life

The film-

Heard it was better than the first one.
Um....well...

The history-

Saw it on TeeVee, hung in there for about 10 minutes or so...


Street Fighter:
The Legend Of Chun Li

The film-

Apparently, worse than the Van Damme one.
That's quite a feat there, folks.

The history-

N/A


Hitman

The film-

Wow, this is more hated than Chun Li.
Tch, and wonder why vidya game flicks are a cultural joke to people.
But...y'know....so were Marvel movies once upon a time.
Whether it takes another 30 years, game movies WILL live up to their potential, dammit.
If only these fuckers would TRY!

The history-

N/A


Max Payne

The film-

Supposedly even worse than Hitman.
*Sarcastic clapping*
Way to go!
Good job!

The history-

N/A


Prince of Persia:The Sands of Time

The film-

A tepid response, and faint praise, hey, maybe the tide is turning around.

...and it's gotta be said somewhere, the Gyllenhaals are just awful.
Why are they in show business?

Is that fucking Ben Kingsley?
Fuck.

The history-

N/A


DOOM

The film-

Watch a kid play Doom, there you go.

The history-

Someone on a board wrote a big review of this, and I cracked wise with something like "too long, didn't read", y'know, just being playful, and he spazzed the fuck out, and deleted the whole thing, and gave me some tantrum-y lecture that had the phrase "...the almighty Diacanu", in there.

I was destroyed with guilt, and it's ruined my whole entire life.
I self mutilate, and shoot heroin, and I'll die of it soon.
Nah, not really.
Fuck you, Kyle.

Tsh, destroying one's own hard work, who does that?
Baby.
Well, if this world made any fucking sense, there wouldn't be a Doom movie in the first place...


Bloodrayne

The film-

Uwe Boll, nuff said.

The history-

N/A


Tekken

The film-

The director hates it, so, there you go.

...play Tekken, Johnny!!!
(See history for reference)

The history-

From here...

Tekken

Okay, I never played this, or knew anyone who did, but I do have a memory involving it.
A spambot was gatling-gunning the early boards I went to with ads for this fucking thing.
Annoying ads.
Fucking annoying ads.
And 'round about the same time, the dot-com bubble was still inflating, and this whole new generation of miserable Wall-Street obsessed, day-trading, neo-yuppie pond-scum were slurping off of the game industry, and thus, part of the ad was like, arcane sales figure shit about the game that only one of these insufferable yuppie douche-bags would care about, so I flipped the fuck out, and attacked the bot with a parody.

I can't remember how exactly it went, but the thematic arc was how all these gen-y kids coming up were being hypnotized into the game industry for cynical money reasons, and not artistic creativity, and button-mashing mind-numbing fighters like Tekken represented that cold intellectual dullness, and one of the key repeated lines was "play Tekken Johnny!!".

Johnny, of course, being the imaginary child being browbeat by his striving yuppie parents to get into tech via gaming, and Tekken being his hellish training simulator.

See, while I admired this world of tech progress, I could see its dark side sprouting already.

Man, when the dot-com bubble burst, and a whole generation of scum-yuppies with their shitty z-string dot-coms where wiped the fuck out, I was loaded to bursting with schadenfreude.
I was like those dancing 9/11 Palestinians.
Anyway, it was indeed a good thing in the long run, the evolutionary chaffe was cleansed away.
The real digital future could proceeed unhindered by greedy morons.
Well...less of 'em.
I hope those people are still in pain, and that Johnny shot his folks, and ran away to Mexico.
And he tossed the Tekken CD at their surprised dead faces.
It's a warming image, and I can dream...


Silent Hill

The film-

More crap with an under 30% score.

The history-

N/A


Alone in the Dark

The film-

Wow, one of the worst films ever made, they say.
Not just of this bloodied, beleaguered, and bedraggled genre, but period.
That took some doing!

The history-

N/A


Despite all of this, I really do still think video games, like Marvel, are waiting to come into their own.
There's promise there, even in this sewage.
There WILL be a Moby Dick, a Citizen Kane, a Watchmen, of video games, and a film to go with it.
Every medium has its day, and leaves us something for the ages.
It will come.
But...clearly, we're in a wilderness phase.
Ooof.


Up next, Slayers of Things From Beyond!