All righty, we've done meals, desserts, now for sniffies and humpies.
Bathroom.
Glade spray.
The day the flow of toilet paper and Glade spray is cut off is the day civilization truly ends.
Yeah, nothing in this section is going to be food, but it resembles food, and/or smells like food, so that's close enough for me.
Anyway, now that I've brought up Glade spray, I can talk about the whole line.
Like I did with the taffys.
So, here's my favorites.
From right to left-
-Cashmere woods, that's the champ. It smells like cedar, and pine cones, and...y'know like when old dead leaves get soaked in the rain, and make a kind of tea? Yeah, that. Cedar, pine cones, and leaf tea. Takes the stink away without gagging you.
-Blooming peony & cherry. Smells like red Kool-Aid. I'll take Kool-Aid over poop, farts, and cat puke. Yesiree.
-Lavender & peach blossum. Smells like purple Kool-Aid with a squeeze of mandarin orange.
-Hawaiian breeze. Pineapple. With a little bit of orange in there. Mostly pineapple.
-Blue Odyssey. Blue glass cleaner and blue popsicles with the volume turned down so it's just fresh, and doesn't hurt your nostril hairs.
There's an apple cinnamon one that comes out during Christmastime.
That one's okay, but a little bit goes a long way, so you have to be careful.
I like it all right, but it doesn't make my top five.
Haven't had the pumpkin one.
I imagine it's a similar case to the apple one.
Air Wick Plugins.
These are too fucking strong.
These are for blasting the stink out of a hoarder's house after you remove all the garbage, turds, and dead cats.
Put one in every corner of the house, and it'll go from shit and death to a French whorehouse in 20 minutes.
But for your bathroom?
Jesus, only if your bathroom is the size of Bruce Wayne's panic room in "Dark Knight".
If it's a normal bathroom, you're gonna be strangling on the stuff.
No, this is why I prefer spray, you can control the dose.
There's a volume dial on the plugin, but I didn't notice that it did anything.
Candle.
Okay, so here's my scented candle story.
I'm at Wal-Mart, and my section is stationary.
Without being told, the scented candle guy on day-crew decided his candles were also part of my territory.
Finally, I'm informed I was supposed to be doing candles, and so I go help the candle guy, and he's flying into a fucking rage, and hurling the candles into their slots, and acting like a 4 year old fucking toddler.
It ain't my fault, there was a lack of communication.
Nope, dorko's gonna take it out on me anyway.
We filled his stupid candles in under 10 minutes.
It wasn't a big deal.
That just pissed him off more.
I think he wanted to feel special and have his ass kissed, or something.
Well, that wasn't gonna happen.
You're scented candles guy, get the fuck over yourself.
It's a little shelf in the middle of greeting cards.
It was also pissing him off that his tantrum wasn't making me quake in my boots.
Motherfucker, I've seen women punched in the face over making a crappy supper, you're nothing to me.
Assclown.
Guy looks like Ichabod Crane with a porno stache.
Yeah, I'm shaking.
Anyway, why I had avoided that area, and didn't know it was my duty, is greeting cards have their own vendor that comes in.
If you fuck with shit done by a vendor, they have a worse shit fit than candle guy.
You're pissing someone off no matter what you do.
Goddamn, there's a lot of venal ego driven pricks in retail getting rage-aholic over their petty little fiefdoms.
I didn't see my section as a fiefdom, I couldn't have given two shits.
I just made sure the shelves were full, and organized neatly.
That's what you're supposed to do, not play these lame dick-sword-fighting games.
And if I were the day person on candles, I wouldn't have felt entitled to have them filled for me by the night guy, I'd do it myself.
It's 10 minutes.
What the fuck else does that asshole have to do all day?
So, the second chapter, is I tell this story over at WF in my diary thread that was in a flame-free area.
Y'know, thinking it's gonna get some laughs over what a bunch of tight-assed fascists they were at Wal-Mart.
Some Republican dill-hole with the username of Demiurge gives me a whole dad-lecture about how I should have basically gotten on my knees, and kissed candle guy's ass, and not only done his candles, but begged for more chores, and more chores, and be a good little "sir yes sir!", soldier, and blah, blah, blah, and anything less than that, you're a bum, and an ingrate, and deserve all the abuse you get, and blah, blah, blah.
And all the little Republicans cheered him on.
And it was a flame-free fora, but I couldn't get this asshole warned.
So, the rules don't stick to people they agreed with.
Hey! Like the Trump administration!
So, here comes chapter three.
Years go by, and Demiurge vanishes for some months.
He comes back, and he had cancer that he survived by getting a bone marrow transplant.
And everyone including me is all "glad you're alive, glad you're back, hug, hug, hug, kiss, kiss, kiss".
Then he starts being a worse asshole than ever.
Not just to me, but everyone on the left spectrum.
And getting away with it because of the cancer.
And the right-wing mods.
I broke the social rules, I had a meltdown at him, and told him what I thought of his stupid petty bullshit, and how pathetic it was that he had this second chance at life, and he was pissing it away on being on a stupid board playing out this tired dipshit dime-a-dozen right-wing Demiurge persona.
Bystanders were horrified, but someone had to say it.
He didn't storm off in that moment, but he drifted away.
Now, chapter four.
More time goes by. A couple years.
He comes back, and he's totally swung to the left.
He's seen how the housing bubble and predatory loans fucked his neighbors, and it woke him up to how corrupt and full of shit Republicans really are.
No apology for me though.
Or anyone, really.
To this day, the mods have never apologized for letting him run amuck in my diary, and I never got an "I'm sorry", from his ass.
That day ain't ever coming, I've just had to eat that.
But, I let it be water under the bridge, and acted grateful for his conversion, and him getting the stick out of his ass, which is what I'd wanted in my rant at him.
And for awhile he's really good.
But then, the constipated uptight-ness comes back.
And he's just as much a prick as a leftie as he was a rightie.
But now he's the righties problem, so I just eat popcorn.
Fuck them.
Finally, it all comes to a head when one of the resident trolls post an image from South Park of Kyle in the middle of a Human Centipede from the "Human Cent-I-Pad", episode.
It wasn't even directed at him.
Demiurge claims it's "kiddie porn", and if it isn't removed, he's leaving.
It isn't removed, so he leaves.
And everyone is laughing at him.
No one misses him.
He's pissed off both sides of the aisle by now, he's got no friends.
I don't know who he thought was going to have his back on this.
Come on, this is an image from a show everyone has seen.
It probably still gets rerun.
It's a goddamned cartoon.
They've done worse.
It's all imaginary.
No one's getting their rocks off to this shit.
"Kiddie porn"???
Jesus Tapdancing Christ.
Anyway, a couple years later, he came back, and apologized for being a tight-ass.
Then the same troll posted the same image again, and he stormed off, and NEVER came back.
*Laughs maniacally*
Anyway, I had my stupid diary thread over there deleted ages ago.
As if I need crypto-fascists abusing me in my vulnerable raw tender moments.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Well, they groom you into thinking you're friends, like a pedophile does.
All predators function like this.
I've learned my lesson.
Anyway, all the biggest tough-guy fascists ran away like little bitches when the board got a left-wing owner.
But half of them had already run away when "rep was de-nutted".
Meaning they couldn't wield like/unlike points as a bullying weapon.
Yeah, their toy was taken away.
They ran off over a toy.
Really butch.
Smell the testosterone.
And the remaining fascists have doubled down over Trump, and exposed their true selves, so they're not to be listened to.
And that Wal-Mart went away, and became Marden's which is Maine's answer to K-Mart.
And the employees and management there are all calm and casual, and not constipated Nazis.
And it hasn't made them go out of business.
So much for "sir, yes, sir!".
And candle guy?
I hope he got AIDS from a pay phone at a peep show.
His candles sucked anyway.
They were all gross defective versions of good smells.
None of them were pumpkin spice.
Maybe pumpkin spice would have mellowed that miserable fucker out.
No, it needed to be pot.
That Nazi fucker needed to be high.
Do they make pot infused candles?
I bet they do.
I bet they make them in pumpkin too.
Yeah, nix the AIDS thing, I hope he turned into a hippie living in a VW van doing giant bong rips.
Then clearing away the pot stink with a pumpkin candle.
A "Pumpkin Spice Up In This Bitch", candle.
That would be cosmic balance.
Marshmallow pumpkin latte body creme.
Jesus fucking Fuckballs, if a woman smelled like that, I'd give her a fucking tongue bath.
Holy shit!!
Body butter.
I dunno what makes "butter", different from lotion besides the consistency, but same comment as the creme. I knew about chains, and whips, and gags, and dildos, and butt-plugs, it all seemed rather pedestrian and tedious, but pumpkin spice?? I didn't know I had THESE options!!!
Pumpkin marshmallow latte liquid soap.
Oh my God!!
Enough!! Enough!! You've got me!!
I've found my kink!!!!
Witch Hippie bar soap.
Seriously, you had me at the creme, this is just overwhelming.
I'm so happy, I could explode.
Chap Stick.
Pumpkin flavored kisses?
They've thought of everything.
This is it, this is my kink.
It has all the pieces.
Okay, okay, enough of eating and sniffing, can I find sweet release by FUCKING pumpkin?!?!!??!
Can I put my newfound kink to use???
Yes.
Yes, you can!!!
Bedroom.
*Races through Amazon*
Okay, future-miss-Diacanu, you're gonna wear this...
Pumpkin wig.
...and these....
Pumpkin earrings.
...and this...
Pumpkin (and skulls and eyeballs) LED necklace.
...and these....
Pumpkin lingerie.
...underneath this...
Pumpkin dress.
..and then to complete the outfit, these.....
Pumpkin colored stockings.
...yeah, yeah, there we go...*closes eyes, and imagines them wrapped around me. Bites lip*...and then these...
Pumpkin shoes.
....and then I'll wear one of these...
Pumpkin hat.
...and then I'll bust my nut into one of these...
Pumpkin condom.
...yeah, there we go.
Now it just needs a song.
Apples, peaches, pumpkin pie.
And a setting.
The back supply room of Marden's (formerly Wal-Mart)!!!
In the candle section!!!
Yeah, let's make all this happen!
Y'know who would have just loved all this sex humor?
Paula Kirby.
She just loved filth.
Couldn't get enough of it.
No prude was she.
Nosirree.
She'd never block you on Facebook forever after 11 years of friendship over a mild fart joke.
Nope, her humor was bold and raw.
Next time you see her, tell her The Aristocrats Joke, and say it's from me.
She'll grin like...well, like a pumpkin.
*Evil wink*
And y'know who would've loved the Halloween-ness of all these pumpkin posts?
Tamar Garish.
Boy, did she love Halloween.
Every time the Jack-o-lanterns started showing up, and people started using pumpkin smileys in their posts, she'd squeal with delight.
Not be a weird Christian tight-ass fun-killing prude.
In spite of being into porn.
Nope, no hypocrite was she.
Halloween was her favorite season.
She'd be smiling down on these posts.
If there were a Heaven.
Which there isn't.
Which she also loved me pointing out.
So, this series is dedicated especially to you, ladies.
*Evil shit eating grin*
And, that ends this series on pumpkin stuff.
You're probably grateful at this point.
;-)
Previously-
- Munchies & Crunchies!! (MC #1)
- Ghosts of tummy-aches past. (MC #2)
- Chicken shit!! (MC #3)
- Maine stuff. (MC #4)
- Not-Maine stuff. (MC #5)
- Pumpkin spice season: Part 1. (MC #6)
- Pumpkin spice season: Part 2. (MC #7)
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