Monday, November 19, 2012

Gorge-athon (Part 9)



Jell-O Pudding Pops (1982-Present (???))



The food-

Fucking mouth-gasm.
Holy shit.

The history-

Last I knew, Popsicle brand had them back on shelves. This was 2011, they may or may not be gone again.

But, they were gone for a long fucking time, and they were gone and back, gone and back, a whole bunch of times before that.

And, I don't know why they kept fucking going away, everyone loved them, they instantly become the best thing in the popsicle section, they make Fudge-cicles look like diarrhea, they make popsicles look like spittle, they're just fucking awesome.

They're just...one of the best things ever.
One of the best things in life.
Better than sex.
Sex is done in a couple minutes, you can keep eating the damned pudding pops.

Anyway, yes, Bill Cosby was the Jell-O pitch man, and yes, every hacky white guy who does a Cosby impression is obligated by law to mention "Zibbidy bop! Jell-O pudding pops! Aww-aww-aww!!".


Tilapia (2010-apocalypse)


The food-

It's not a fucking fish, assholes.

It's a fucking blanket name for a 100 types of fish, and I only started hearing it very recently, and I think it's pretentious phony Madison Avenue bullshit.

And, I'm being generous with 2010 to cover my ass, but...I swear it feels like only this year.

No, they didn't genetically invent a new fucking fish, and the gourmets haven't been hiding shit from us.

What I really think is happening, is this is how they're going to cover up the extinction of Haddock.
And yes, they are going fucking extinct.
And, I don't absolve myself in the shared guilt on that one.
But, at least I own up to it, and refuse to play fucking make-believe.

So, this is how the cover up works.
They use the blanket species term, get you eating a bunch of other whitefish, then, when Haddock quietly go away, you'll still technically be eating "tilapia".

And, all the while, you get to utter a pretentious new word to sound snooty, and impress your moronic dipshit white-upper-middle-class friends!

"Tilaaaapiaaa!", "Tilaaaapia!!", "EEEWW! Tilaaaapia!".
"I won't let my delicate tastebuds touch any other fish, but...tilaaaapiaaa!!".

*Flounce, flounce, flounce*
*Preen, preen, preen*

The history-

See above, there fucking is none.
Yes, I want to stab you people.
Thanks for asking.
Marketing led sheep the lot of you.


Citra and Citrus Frost (1996-present)


 

The sodas-

Let 22 year old me from 1997 lay it out...

From here.

Don't listen to mainstream advertising.

Don't buy Citra.

Adirondack's Citrus frost is far superior. It's got more citrus-y bite with a little tang of grapefruit on the back end. Very tasty, very refreshing. Citra WISHES it were as good as Citrus frost.

Citra is made by the big heartless Pepsi corporation. Don't be seduced by Citra just because Pepsi has more dough for advertising.They won't be happy until they take your 3rd party choices away and dominate the soft drink market.

Adirondack has a hit on their hands with Citrus Frost and Pepsi knows it. Citra tastes like a sugared up weaker version of Citrus frost. Obviously to please the uneducated masses who's palettes have been spoiled by too much Mountain Dew.

You deserve better. Try a boss of Adirondack citrus frost this week. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Pepsi has wanted to crush Adirondack for a long time. They'd go after RC if they could, but they've got too big a following.

Don't let Citrus frost get pushed off the grocery store shelves by the big guys. Buy lots of Citrus frost and boycott Citra.

Citra is a second rate knockoff of Citrus frost anyways, you won't be missing much. Try Adirondack's cranberry orange while you're at it, it's very yummy indeed.

Adirondack needs all the help it can get so it can become the next RC. We can't do anything about the Republi-crats, but by god, we can throw a monkey wrench into the Pepsi/Coke cartel.

Send a message with your wallets. Show them you'll have nothing to do with their bastardized body snatcher clone of Citrus frost they dare call Citra. God willing, Adirondack will get the message and start selling Citrus frost in cans. Join my campaign! All you have to do is buy a boss of soda. Spread the good word about Citrus frost! We've got to help Citrus frost kick Citra's copycat ass back to the factory it came from!! 

Okay, so, Citrus Frost...kinda won.
Yes, you can get it in cans now.
Yes, Citra died.
But, it's back as Fanta Citrus.

So...I dunno quite how to score that one.

Nowadays, I recommend having one can of Citrus Frost for the taste, then, washing out your kidneys with 3 big glasses of water, and then, never again.
Remember the experience real hard.

Otherwise, when you're closing in on 40, you'll start peeing glass.
And, that's not fun.
Nothing says "party's over", like peeing glass.


Fryeburg Fair Fudge (????-????)


The food-

That's a nice picture of how proper peanut butter fudge should look.

If yours is translucent, and bland, go stir your guts with a butcher knife.
That's the blunt version.

Here's young-me doing a deliberate parody of every snotty shitty restaurant review ever.

From here.

I may not know much (and I have an ugly voice, an obnoxious personality, and everyone I meet hates me instantly) but if it's one thing I DO know, it's fudge.

When I say a fudge is bad, you can pretty much accept it as gospel that it IS bad.

Let me tell you, never EVER buy fudge from the vendors at the Fryberg Fair calling themselves "Copper Kettle Candymakers".

Their peanut butter fudge (if one can even call it that) is a pale imitation of anything even approaching edible.

There is no peanut butter flavor anywhere to be found. It's like eating a chunk of pure sugar.

No, pure sugar would at least assault ones senses. This "flavor", is weak, diluted, and waxlike lying limp and flaccid on one's tastebuds.

It's an utter insult to the palate!

An outrage!!

Even the most troglodytic of country bumpkins could not possibly be bamboozled by such a confectionary farce as this.

This is by no definition one could care to apply "Peanut butter fudge".

They dirty the name by stamping it on their packaging!!

As if the "taste", weren't bad enough, the "fudgy", texture is notoriously absent as well!! These little desert dry clumps of nast crumble in the hand at the lightest touch and fall between ones fingers all over the ground.

My advice is let it.

BOOO! Copper Kettle Candymakers, BOOO!!!

My advice, pack up those much vaunted copper kettles and move on to a less demanding fudge eating public.

Try Gorham, they wouldn't know fudge from a blob of congealed cake icing.

0 out of 5 stars for the most unfortunate example of fudgmaking it has ever been my misfortune to experience!!

Good LORD, what were you people THINKING??

If you ever wrote anything like this, and were sincere, and got payed for it, end yourself.
End your-fucking-self.
Use the aforementioned butcher knife.
Please, please, please, do the rest of us a favor.


Slime (doesn't matter)


So, for a generic image, there's Horde Slime.

The good shit I mentioned in my review of ectoplasm.

How does this tie into food?
Well, this is a story and a recipe in one.
Do not make the recipe, it is foul, and will ruin your week.

So, to set it up, this incident happened last summer, and I wrote it down the night it happened, and I finally found an excuse to blog it.


I'm no damned kitchen scientist.

I've been noticing when I cook the fucking supper, it doesn't make me want to vomit, so, I was getting a little full of myself. 

Like, do you know, frozen fish isn't supposed to be a dried up crust- 
bomb? 

Yeah, when you cook it right, it's juicy, and actually fuckin' edible! 

And all you have to do, is do math in 15-20 minute increments, and 
watch the fucking clock! 
Not fall asleep in the recliner watching boring-ass hot-rod auctioneer 
assholes. 

So, again, I'm full of myself after tonight's spaghetti, so I get it 
in my fool head "hey, I wanna do some Mr. Wizard shit. I miss slime 
from when I was a kid, I'm gonna make me some slime!". 

And I reason it out, y'know...I've seen on some shows corn starch is magic ingredient for gummi candies, and gummi is just thickened 
gelatin, and candy-making geletin is just...corn syrup, so...I 
figure.."shit, we got Karo and corn starch laying about, let's give it 
a whirl!". 

So, I start mixing this concoction in one of the little dishes we use 
for putting dipping sauces in, and..it's going pretty good...it's not 
translucent like I want, it immediately goes opaque when the corn 
starch hits it, but the consistency is LOOKING good....but...I  wouldn't touch it bare handed, it keeps being sticky, so...I figure "well, maybe it'll lose its stick if it thickens enough, then I can handle
it...", so, I pound the starch to it, and it starts to turn into a 
(still sticky) hard taffy shit...."ohhh, shit..". 

Then it finally hits me "damn, there's a LOT of this...how will I 
dispose of it if it goes to hell? I don't wanna fucking EAT it, I 
already got a conspiracy phobia against corn syrup, like I'm gonna eat a solidified wad of the shit...", plus, I've already tasted it off the 
spoon, and it's fucking foul. Pure corn syrup is repulsively sweet, 
it's offensive to me they use it as a sweetener, even without the 
Monsato terrors. Then it occurs to me "hey, I know, I'll FLAVOR it!", 
and I dig around in the spice drawer, and Ma's got like 20 year old 
extracts from when she used to make candies for my (now 
dead) great grandparents, and "hey, mint! That'll be good!". 

And I try to dribble a couple drops in, but it's so thin, that *GUSH!* "aw shit..", and I stir it in, and just in the time it took to rifle through the spice drawer, it's turned into an even tougher taffy, and I'm wrestling with it to complete a turn of the spoon, you can't even call it a stir, and I taste this shit...and it's a fucking nightmare, worse than Altoids, and there's some weird medicinal aftertaste going on that's either 20 years of disintegration, or what mint tastes like when it goes beyond mint, and your tastebuds say "fuck it", but,
whatever, it's fucking horrid. 
So, I'm already thinking, I gotta throw this shit away. 
I'm virtually done now. 

But, I figure hey, maybe if I water it down a little, it'll balance it back out...so,I do...now it turns to a soup. 
So, I figure, maybe the starch will overtake it if I keep stirring, 
and stirring, and maybe it'll weaken down the fucking flavor too.... 

And...yeah, it's less soupy, but it's more like a runny gravy now, and I've already pounded enough heaping spoonfuls of cornstarch into this mess, Dad's gonna notice the shit gone...eh, maybe he'll think he used it, he uses it on the gravy, and how often do we have fucking gravy... 

So, I'm stirring this horrific minty library paste and it pops into my 
head "fruit! Fruit will make this swill somewhat palatable! Yes, fruit 
cleanses everything! Blessed fruit!", and sure enough, spice drawer, 
lemon extract! Yay! 

And again, try to dump in a couple drops, a coat of it splashes out 
like I'm milking cereal, I stir it in, it smells..interesting... 

I taste. 
I can't fucking describe it.... 

I haven't had medicine taste that horrible. 
I've gotten Absorbine Jr in my mouth, I've tasted bug repellent, it 
was fucking worse. 

Maximum mint, maximum lemon, that's 20 years old....and you can't lose it, I still fucking taste it. 
It's breathing up from my guts as I type. 

So, that does it, I gotta kill this shit. 
The experiment has failed. 

If I had my own lab, and unlimited supplies, I could keep trying until 
I nailed the recipe, but with the junk here..it ain't happening. 
Time to cut my losses. 

Y'know, I think that's really what makes a scientist. 
Grant money. 
All the goddamned starch and syrups you'll ever need. 
That's the deeper insight I've gained from all this. 

Anyway, back to the adventure. My monster is too juicy to dump into 
the trash, and...I don't feel quite comfortable washing him down the 
kitchen sink...so, it's time for my good old reliable pal, Mr. Toilet 
to destroy some evidence yet again. 

Down it goes. 
I spill a drop, I wipe it up with my sock, I wash out the sauce cup in 
the kitchen, I refuse to lick the spoon off, I try water picking it 
off with the hose-gun thingy. 

It gets most of it off. 
Let the damned dishwasher do the rest. 
So, so much for slime. 

I got taffy turned to paste with the worst taste ever. 

Now my creature is making friends in our septic tank. 

So, that's what goes on when you're really fucking bored, and really 
fucking alone. 
Wacky hi-jinks. 

Imagine if I'd hopped into a car. 
Yeah. 

All right, so, here are some real recipes for slime.


And, if you happen to have polysaccharide, guar gum, and sodium tetraborate in your kitchen, you can whip up some actual Horde Slime.

Failing that, polyvinyl alcohol, and borax does a good impression.

...corn syrup, and cornstarch, and flavorings, not so much.

So, that's that entry.


1 comment:

Diacanu said...


Oh, all right, Haddock isn't quite in the "Tilapia", family, but I still find it...fishy that Tilapia became a "thing", right when the Haddock started to die out from over-fishing.

And I still want to stab people who get all preeny and flouncy over uttering "tilaaapiaaa!".

Gortons makes a fucking tilapia patty, get over yourselves, scum.

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