Yep, the season is upon us, so I went through Amazon, and like the chicken stuff, I found the pumpkin stuff that jumped out at me.
It was so much, it needs three parts.
Here's part one.
Breakfast.
Cereals.
Yep, from the very moment you wake up, you don't have to be without your pumpkin spice.
Cheerios, Life, Mini Wheats, and Special K have got your back.
Course, if they were really smart, they'd think of an excuse to make pumpkin spice a year round thing.
Hell, I dunno why retailers haven't figured out to make a sequel to Christmas in the summer like in "Santa Claus The Movie", so they can stretch that year round.
Cereal bars.
Or, if milk isn't your thing, say you've got some lactose deal going on, you can have you pumpkin spice in portable bar form.
Look, let's have it out in the open. "Energy bars", are just candy bars.
You get the same nutrition content out of a fucking Snickers.
Hell, the "you're not yourself when you're hungry", campaign pretty much sells Snickers as an energy booster.
It's candy.
Either eat something healthier, or remove the guilt.
Pick one.
The middle ground doesn't exist.
If you choose removing the guilt, and chowing down on candy bars, just count the calories, and have a salad and water for supper so it balances out.
Being a candy hog, and pretending it's a diet is fucking bullshit.
Pop Tarts
Now Pop Tarts I can respect.
Pop Tarts are for people who have long ago abandoned the pretense of "energy bars".
Nope, they want bread with sugary goo inside, and they know there's no magic vegan gluten free solution to that craving.
Pop Tarts used to use palm oil from evil companies that chop down rain-forests, kill rain-forest monkeys, exploit child labor, and commit human rights abuses.
Activism got them to stop.
Check out this site.
Pepsico however is still dipped in monkey killing and child rape though.
So, y'know, might want to avoid them.
Oatmeal.
If you want an actual healthy breakfast, nothing beats good old oatmeal.
And you don't have to worry about monkey eyes and baby brains falling in the grinder like you used to get with Kellogg's a couple years ago.
Yeah, Kellogg's murdered people not just in some ancient past, but a little while ago in recent memory.
But not Quaker.
*Googles*
Oh, shit!!
Pepsico owns Quaker!!
FUCK!!!!
GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!!!
Well, enjoy these fun facts for when your conservative relatives tell you at Thanksgiving how de-regulating everything will produce utopia, and you have to beat them with a sock full of quarters.
Yep, Thanksgiving's coming right after Halloween.
Numb the pain in pumpkin spice.
Mmmm, mmm!
Tea.
Nothing can soothe your jangled nerves like tea.
Well, heroin can by a factor of a million, but let's stay with legal substances.
That don't kill as many kids as a Pepsico product.
Mmmm, teeeaa.
*Sip*
*A single tear rolls down*
Minute muffin.
That's neat.
A cup full of muffin mix that you add water and nuke into a muffin.
Why didn't I think of that?
I probably did, and someone told me it was dumb, and I collapsed into a months long crying jag, and then forgot what it started over.
Life is a horrible thing.
I need some more pumpkin tea.
And a muffin.
Oh, there's one!
*Grab*
Cocoa.
For when the tea isn't cutting it, and you have to take it up a notch.
But the dealer hasn't gotten his supply of pumpkin spice smack in yet, so you can't take it up to THAT notch yet.
Pancakes.
A real breakfast.
A man's breakfast.
An American breakfast.
Heh heh!
Entenmann's is owned by Grupo Bimbo, a Mexican company.
So's Sara Lee.
Stuff your conservative relative's faces full of Entenmann's and Sara Lee foods, and giggle behind their backs.
Hateful fucking monsters.
Syrup.
To go with the pancakes.
The pancakes of revenge.
Against the monsters that voted for concentration camps.
Destroy, pumpkin spice, destroy.
Destroy their evil souls in the name of The Great Pumpkin.
Lunch/supper.
Peanut butter/
Bacon peanut butter
It occurs to me, if you can syrup a pancake, you can syrup bread, and if you can syrup bread, you can have a peanut butter and syrup sandwich, and if you can do that with normal PB and syrup, why....yeah, it works with pumpkin spice, and it works with bacon.
And guess what else?
You can have tea and cocoa as a beverage any time of day!
I just gave you your lunch menu.
You're welcome.
SPAM!!
Yep. It's not an Onion joke.
Pumpkin spice SPAM is a thing.
I'd try it.
Hell, I'd fry it into an omelette, and serve it next to the fucking pumpkin pancakes.
For breakfast OR supper!!
Or lunch, come to think of it.
SPAM doesn't care what time it is.
Ask a Hawaiian.
Soda.
To wash down the SPAM.
And/or the revenge pancakes.
Whichever.
And, that's 12 things, so that's good enough for part one.
Next up, dessert.
Previously-
Duet
6 hours ago
4 comments:
This will be on Netflix October 11. Aaron Paul turned 40 two days ago BTW. I, uh...guess...they can still pass him off for a guy in his mid to late 20s?
http://www.engadget.com/2019/08/25/el-camino-breaking-bad-movie-netflix-october-11/?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZW5nYWRnZXQuY29tLzIwMTkvMDgvMjUvZ29vZ2xlLXNlYXJjaC13aXphcmQtb2Ytb3otZWFzdGVyLWVnZy8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAANNJoppsTTyDZ-8w_DsXYVMsgBXcmNPLfOrpInXX9kQ-QvA7eMbQ4V_QYBQyHGZkrsFS9jzoX3gWDQ27U7_cBxFJruV4tGd4jkthb6RQxn6OMtaFNTfXtm2ShaDN4RBUH4wPBIAGJtkbv71w8TMmynXzCVB-znlOJjENKwPficGk
I predict it will be the most perfect thing ever made by humans, and it will transcend art, transcend existence, project out of our TV as a living energy, and evolve us a trillion years in a nanosecond, and we'll never be sick or die again, and live forever in the higher planes of existence until the end and restart of time forever and ever.
Or, it'll destroy the franchise, and we'll fall into an abyss in the floor screaming in darkness, and terror, and infinite cold.
That's my hot take, hire me, Buzzfeed.
Heh, if it destroys the franchise we get a "Breaking Bad: Fire Walk With Me" scenario and future unused ideas will end up being revisited 20 years from now when Vince Gilligan will be in his 70s and people will just be injecting entertainment into their veins.
It's Breaking Bad, so you'll have to smoke it. ;)
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