So, I was going down an Amazon rabbit hole, and I found some stuff that fit a pattern, and that pattern expanded into a full-on Google rabbit hole, so here's the result.
Stuff made of chicken, and flavored like chicken.
Let's start with.....
Underwood Chicken Spread.
Yep, Underwood Deviled Ham was my first food product reviewed like a movie, and I've had the chicken, so, good place to start, I figured.
Chicken blended to the consistency of peanut butter with a chicken soup flavored after-gravy can understandably fill the modern palette with apprehension.
Nice cooking show chef way of saying "don't be a fucking pussy, millennials!".
Once you get it on the bread, and chew it all up, it's great.
If you like solid chicken, this is no different.
If you're weirded out by mouth feels, you adapt to it in seconds.
You know when you dip bread in chicken soup, and you sometimes get a glob of meat on there?
It's like that.
It tastes like that.
Calm the fuck down.
Shut up, and get it down your neck.
(I have no sympathy for fussy eaters)
Speaking of chicken soup, that segues nicely into....
Campbell's Chunky:
Grilled Chicken Sausage Gumbo.
Chicken, sausage, jalapenos, carrots, and rice.
Mmm, mmmm, fucking, mmmm!!
I could almost drink it like a beverage.
The only thing that stops me is fear of choking on the bigger chunks.
If it were diced better though...*guzzle*
Campbell's Chunky:
Chicken Broccoli Cheese with Potato.
I could just hook myself to a hose hooked to a truck full of this, and have them pump it in until I explode.
That's how I wanna go.
When I'm 80 or so, and I've had enough, have Campbell's bring around the chicken broccoli cheese truck.
Enough of chicken in goo form, let's pour the chunks on to something....
Chicken, bacon & ranch pizza.
You can usually get any family owned non-chain pizza place to make this.
I get mine from Low's.
Where you can also grab a Mike's Fancy Cakes treat for dessert!
Chicken quesadilla.
A toasted cheese sandwich with chicken chunks.
So simple, and yet it's crack.
Most food-crack is.
Simple, I mean.
General Tso's Chicken!
There's no such thing as a Chinese food chain, the family owned local mini-chains don't coordinate with each other, and General Chicken has other names across the US besides Tso's, and yet, you can get this in any town.
And YET, I still find people that don't know about it.
So, to the uninitiated, it's boneless fried chicken in a sweet fruity glaze so the crust is all gooey, and it's pretty much super-crack.
And there's always a sprig of raw broccoli on the side for some reason.
Glutton guilt? I dunno.
Experiment with different restaurants to find the place that gives you the biggest portion for the smallest price.
Typically, you're gonna want supper, and tomorrow's lunch off of one hit.
Teriyaki wings.
Okay, your state might be different, but I can't find a restaurant that makes these, even though they're so easy.
You'll have to home-make 'em.
All you do, get a big bag of frozen wings, and some big Ziploc bags, put the wings in a Ziploc full of teriyaki sauce, and let 'em soak in the fridge over night.
Pour 'em onto a cookie sheet, and put 'em in the oven at 350-370, for about 40-60 minutes, until they're cooked all the way through, and the sauce turns into a candied coating.
They should look like the picture.
Take 'em out, let 'em cool, scrape 'em onto a plate, serve 'em at a party.
Or, eat 'em all yourself, you selfish fat bastid.
There's fancier recipes to make the sauce better.
You can add balsamic vinegar, or garlic, or honey, or a million other things.
Just keep the fucking sesame seeds and green onions away from them!
I dunno where some asshole decided they needed sesame seeds and green onions, but it multiplied like a fucking plague, and I can't find a recipe online that doesn't have them.
No!
It's not traditional, this is pretentious Food Network bullshit, get the sesame seeds away from my fucking teriyaki wings!
Stop it!
Arrgghh!
*Bangs head against the wall*
Moxie chicken
See Moxie review here.
There's a million recipes online, I just happened to lazily grab this one.
Moxie Chicken Recipe
Ingredients:
Can of Moxie Soda
1 cup of water
Whole Chicken
1 small potato or onion
Directions:
Preheat the oven to 500 degrees. Empty a third to a half a can of Moxie soda in a roasting pan with one cup of water. Position the whole chicken upright over the can. If the neck is not still attached, plug the neck cavity with a small potato or onion. Roast the chicken in the oven for 20 minutes at 500 degrees. Then reduce heat to 375 degrees. Cook for another 30 to 45 minutes until a meat thermometer measures 165 degrees in the thickest part of the thigh.
There, and now we're down to the chicken flavored products from the Amazon rabbit hole that actually started all this.
Chicken In A Bisket
Okay, they're in the cracker aisle, but they should really be in bags, and be in the chip aisle.
They're totally for pouring into a bowl, and shoveling into your face like chips.
Don't think so?
Eat just one.
I dare you.
I challenge you.
I openly challenge you.
Eat just one, and fight back the craving it induces.
You can't.
They're for wolfing.
Chicken chips.
Yep, another update to this whole saga!
So, fuckin' Humpty Dumpty up and stopped making them.
Thankfully, I got to have 3 bags before they stopped.
BUT, you can still get them on Amazon under the Walkers brand.
Chicken candy canes!!!
Yep, they're a thing.
So are bacon, pickle, and (dry heave)....clam.
Chicken & waffles taffy.
I had these on my 40th birthday.
They're shockingly good!
Just type "chicken and waffles taffy", into Amazon, it's the only search result you'll get.
Buffalo wing soda!!!
I could have sworn there used to be a plain fried/roast chicken one, but I guess its gone by.
Anyway, this a thing.
And all of that's scraping the surface, but that's as many as I wanted to talk about.
Go down your own Amazon rabbit hole if you want more.
Use this stuff to start your navigation.
Enjoy.
Previously-
New posters for Tarot
1 hour ago
5 comments:
*Smacks forehead*
Duh!
Chinese places make teriyaki wings, but they're always part of a larger meal, and you only get like, 3 of 'em.
Homemade is the only way to get a meal out of 'em.
I'm glad that Chicken in a Bisket is still made, but Bedder Cheddars or whatever the eff they're called taste like plastic now.
I never liked Beddar Cheddars.
Best cheese crackers are white cheddar Cheez Its, then hot n' spicy Cheez Its, then plain Cheez Its, then Goldfish.
Then those crappy orange crackers they use for the peanut butter sandwich crackers in vending machines.
THEN Beddar Cheddars.
Cheez Its had a wonderful Mozzarella flavor that they dumped because...I guess because they thought it was redundant to have Mozzarella AND Four Cheese, which I substituted.
That's weird to have a food that tasted wonderful when you were a kid but you can't eat now.
The only thing I can think of I liked as a kid that's gross now is Chef Boyardee shit.
You can tell now with adult taste buds they dope the sauce with sugar.
Blechh.
And I think I've told the story before, most soda is gross to me now.
I've been drinking those flavored seltzers for about 10 years now, and my taste buds have adapted, and now sugar soda is like drinking pancake syrup.
Fucking revolting.
Doesn't quench thirst either.
It's just fucking candy.
Really thin stuff like Sprite Zero isn't too bad.
Or 7-Up.
Or Sierra Mist.
I don't miss cola drinks at all.
I have them once and awhile for birthday parties and such, but...meh.
Good riddance.
Post a Comment