I keep seeing ads for restaurants we don't have here, so here's a post dedicated to just that...
Sonic
Not to be confused with the cartoon hedgehog Sega mascot.
*Glares angrily at Google*
This is the one we still get the most ads for.
Who the fuck is controlling the switchboard for what commercials Maine gets?
Are you stupid, or trolling?
Or, both?
Muthafucka, the closest one is in New York.
I'm not driving that far away for a fucking pickle flavored Slush Puppie.
That's just not going to happen.
That's piss in a Mountain Dew bottle, shit in a diaper, popping amphetamines kind of driving.
Nuh uh.
Nope.
Oh, invent teleportation, and I'll try Sonic.
Hell, I'll pop over to Paris for a duxelle and crepe casserole with a teleporter.
But with the level of tech we have now?
Neee-oooope!
Nuh-uh.
Forrr-GET it.
Cici's Pizza
This is the one we get the second most ads for.
Closest one is in fucking New Jersey.
I've been to Jersey on my way to Florida.
If you start out from Maine at 7 am, by Jersey, it's dark, and you're refilling an empty tank.
It's a fucking slog.
Their macaroni and cheese pizza looks tempting, but guess what?
I can buy a fucking pizza crust, and a box of Kraft mac, and make that shit myself for less than the price of the fucking gasoline.
I'm good.
We're all good here.
We're gonna be just fine.
Hardee's/Carl's Junior
I haven't seen these ads in awhile, but for some time, we were getting them about as regularly as the Cici's ones.
They were about tied.
In Youtube taste tests, their burgers were second only to Five Guys, followed by Whataburger, then Wendy's, then I think Jack In The Box, then Burger King, then McDonald's.
Mickey's is always dead last no matter how many burgers you pile on the test.
A&W
Another one out in Jersey.
When we were getting inundated with Sonic, Cici's, and Hardee's ads all together, every once in awhile, an A&W would leak through.
Like, one out of every ten Sonics/Cici's it'd slip in.
Now, not so much.
It wasn't until I saw an ad for the restaurants that I knew that's where the root-beer comes from.
I just thought they were a root-beer brand that competed with Hire's.
Nope, there's a whole restaurant that goes with it.
Man, am I the only one creeped out by "All American Food", as a motto?
Ever since Trump, I've been learning to pick up on racist/xenophobic dog whistles, and now I see creepy sneaky evil bigoted shit everywhere, like I'm wearing the glasses from "They Live".
What does "all American", mean in this context?
Let's look at their menu...
Burgers and hot dogs are German*.
French fries are Belgian.
Ice cream started in China.
Fried chicken is Scottish.
Cheese curds are typically enjoyed in Canada.
Whatever they're selling, it came from somewhere.
(*They invented the meat grinder, so anything ground is pretty much theirs).
I'll be charitable, and assume they're celebrating the diversity of our cuisine, and not that...y'know, they mean *wink-wink* white people food.
Even though I don't exactly see any tacos, or crab rangoon, or chicken vindaloo anywhere....
Nah, I'll be nice, and assume it's innocent.
Jack In The Box
Another one out in New York.
These ads dropped just slightly more often than the A&W ones.
I saw enough of them to at least know their mascot is a guy with a weird plastic clown head with dot eyes, a stick nose, and a party hat.
Like a Jack In The Box.
But human from the neck down.
The only other thing I know about them, is people kept getting food poisoning from them in the 80's & 90's.
Or, was it just the 80's?
Anyway, it was a rash of food poisonings.
Enough so it stuck to my memory.
They don't talk about it in the ads.
But, Subway doesn't acknowledge that Jared ever existed either.
I'm sure they're fine now.
Whataburger
Google maps couldn't even find this.
I think it was outside my zip code force-field.
...why the fuck were New York and New Jersey IN my force-field?
What, do some people consider a drive that needs a sleep and a shower at a motel "a hop, skip, and a jump"??
Or is hopping a plane for fast-food supposed to be in my budget?
Fuck you!!
Anyhoo...
Mid-westerners and southerners who have both chains will pretty much break out into a broken bottle and knife fight over whether Whataburger or Five Guys have the superior burgers.
I say they're both wrong, it's Denny's.
But don't tell them.
I'll get murdered.
The only way I'm willing to be murdered over food is via chicken, broccoli, cheese soup.
Also, DC Comics seriously needs to sue over that logo.
C'mon, it's goddamned Wonder Woman.
Waffle House
*Googles their menu*
So....I don't get it, what's the big fucking deal?
They just look like the redneck southerner version of Denny's meets IHOP.
I've heard it both torn down as the ultimate sleaze pit, and elevated to a fucking Mecca.
*Shrug*
Okay....
Maybe it's like White Castle, and you have to be high.
Now, for one we technically have, but it barely even counts...
Tim Hortons
These were all over Canada (see my 1995 Nova Scotia trip) like a mosquito infestation.
You couldn't even make it a mile before running into the next one.
Canucks like their donuts and pastries!
And Tim Hortons is a hundred times better than Dunkin.
Hands down.
We used to have one out by the mall in the same parking lot as Toys R Us.
Wasn't as good as the Canadian ones, still better than Dunkin.
Now, it's a Popeyes.
And the closest Tim Hortons is up north in Clinton, which is right next to Bangor, which is almost as much of a hike upward as Jersey is downward, and at that point, I may as well hop the fucking ferry, and go to Nova Scotia again.
So, yeah, that's why it barely counts anymore.
When it's easier to hop the Canadian border, it being in Maine is no longer a convenience.
I guess it is if you're Stephen King.
If you're Stephen King, I'm sure it's just like a walk to the drug store.
Ohhh la de daaaah!
I'm Stephen King, and I'm up in Baaangooorr!!
I'm up in Bangor, and I get all the Tim Hortons I want, because III'm Stephen Kiiing!
Look at me, I'm Stephen King, and I'm eating all the Tim Hortons!
Tim Hortons makes me immortal, and I can fly!!
Cuz I'm Stephen Kiiiing!!
Wheeeee!!!
Oh, Gawd, I bet he sounds just like that!!!
*Shakes fist in the air*
*Grinds teeth*
*Tendons in neck pop out*
And finally, here's ones Maine didn't have for the longest time, but we'd still see the ads, and then, we finally got them!!
Popeyes
I had this down in Florida in 1990.
It was the best chicken I ever ate.
Something about Florida food doesn't travel/translate well though.
It's never as good up here.
Anyway, as said above, they replaced our one and only Tim Hortons.
*Shakes fist, and grinds teeth again*
Red Robin
Okay, they're not gourmet French restaurant expensive, but they'll make you go "ouch!", when you get the bill.
The burgers and fries are really good, but not THAT good!
They're only this > < much better than Denny's IMHO.
And with a yuppie-er atmosphere.
I don't like that.
I can feel the "you don't belong here", brainwaves pouring off everyone like UV light out of the sun.
And damaging me just about as much.
No thanks.
I don't need that experience again.
Same reason I avoid Target.
I hate Wal-Mart's rotten stinking redneck guts, but Target creeps me out even more for some reason.
Stuck in the middle.
Too nerdy for redneck shit, too poor for yuppie shit.
*Sigh*
Five Guys
Yeah, Five Guys is probably more my atmosphere.
Not quite all the way to redneck, but yuppie is nowhere in sight.
They have big drippy slobbedy floppity greese-bomb burgers like you'd grill at home.
Looks good, but if I ate their regularly, I'd be 600 pounds.
Best to just avoid them.
Maybe I'll try that new tofu Whopper at BK....
*Googles*
The Impossible Whopper.
Yeah, that's the one.
Circle K
"Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure", came out 30 goddamned years ago, and mentioned Circle K, and it took exactly this long for us to get them on this coast.
And.....they exploded like Tim Hortons in Canada, or Dunkins here, or McDonald's across...Earth.
There's one every five miles on Google maps.
Pull back far enough, and it's a bee swarm.
How did we get so fucking many Circle Ks so fast, and I didn't notice?
They crept up like a zombie invasion!
Anyway, see my ramble on Cumberland Farms.
Phew!
And that's all of that!!
All done!!
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5 comments:
My ranking:
1)Popeye's - I get the tenders. They're wonderful, both the spicy and mild kind. I don't *hate* KFC, but Popeye's absolutely has KFC beat. Certainly their Cajun gravy and mashed potatoes pound KFC's all to hell (remember, you ranted about how the actual Colonel said they tasted like paste or something!) and the red beans and rice, and pies, are all good too.
2)Five Guys - The cajun fries are WONDERFUL. You get loads of them 4 cheep. Wendy's and even iHop makes better bacon cheeseburgers, but the fries are the deal for me. Great simple place. But I'll feel like I ate ten thousand pounds of food afterwards and avoid their hot dogs which just aren't very tasty.
3)Wendy's - Okay, they're a big fat disgusting corporation alright but the Baconator is awesome, they have Coke Freestyle and the chicken sandwiches and fries don't suck ass, like Burger King's and Sonic's do.
4)iHop - I get a surprisingly good bacon cheeseburger, and a pancakes/breakfast combo. Costly but good! There's other stuff to order there too.
5)Chipotle - Steaky tacos! Chicken tacos! Chorizo tacos! Costly though. And no Coke Freestyle machine.
6)Sonic - The drinks are nice. The chili cheese coneys aren't bad. The burgers are okay. I guess I still like these guys after all these years.
7)QDoba - Cheaper than Chipotle and mine is located right next to a Baskin Robbins and they HAVE the Coke Freestyle machine and you get more meat in the tacos, but the meat doesn't taste as good!
8)KFC - I don't hate these guys, they're just not as good as Popeye's!
9)Burger King - Okay, the Bacon King and Sourdough King weren't too bad, and I was able to eat the $1 tacos without dying, but I think I'm going to cut these guys now that the Sourdough King is gone and replaced with those new ridiculous burgers people are making that pile BBQ or onion rings or something onto your burger. Yuuck.
10)A&W - Last time I went there it took them thirty minutes to make me two bacon cheeseburgers and a root beer float and cheese curds. And it's generic as hell. Mine is paired with a Long John Silver's which is also generic as hell.
11)McDonalds - I won't go here at gunpoint. Screw these guys.
I'm in Kansas, never eaten Whataburger, Red Robin, Tim Horton's, Waffle House.
Popeye's, Five Guy's, & IHOP are all by The Mall, and I hate that traffic.
It's like Pee-Wee saving the snakes from the fire in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure".
I'll go in there if I absolutely have to, but if I don't have to....pass.
Wendy's- Agreed about the baconator.
Trying to arm wrestle my weight down, so I get the apple pecan salad now.
The name is deceptive, its really got all 4 food groups.
Lettuce, apple bits, pecans, dried cranberries, boogers of blue cheese, and a chopped up chicken patty.
It'll actually fill you up pretty good.
Chipotle, y'know, we've got one in Westbrook, but I've never been!
QDoba- Don't have it, never heard of it.
Burger king- They're getting away with cloning everyone lately. Dunno how they're not sued. The Big King is a Big Mac. Bacon King is a Baconator. And they've got some other one that's DQ's Flamethrower.
Y'ever have a Flamethrower?
It's basically a Baconator with sriracha mayo.
It's spicy enough to sting, but it doesn't stick to your mouth forever and burn you like crazy. The fries and soda wash it out.
Going to Long John Silvers or Red Lobster in Maine is tantamount to treason.
Family run or nothing for our seafood.
McDonald's, agreed. Especially after seeing "The Founder".
*Checks*
Nope,they still have the Bacon King, but no more Big King, and the flamethrower clone is either gone, or I imagined it.
https://www.bk.com/menu/burgers
An Impossible Whopper is only 30 calories less than a regular Whopper.
Ohhh, all the calories are in the fries!
https://www.bk.com/menu/sides
WTF??
How the hell are fries even more calories than fried mozzarella???
Well, shit, guess I'm getting onion ring if anything for now on.
I didn't mention Taco Bell. The Nacho Fries are glorious (and pretty damn cheap), they keep coming and going from the menu though so watch out. The beefy nacho "Stacker," with red tortilla stripes in it, is yummy, the other two flavors (chicken chipotle, cheesy potato) are just okay.
All other
I only was ever curious about going into Taco Bell because of the nacho fries--when I was a kid, like three Taco Bells got shut down out here because of health code violations, shudder shudder. Like somebody's hair got in the freakin' taco meat, yuuuuck. So I always thought of Taco Bell as the lowliest of the low, but I guess the nacho fries and stackers are good. Other menu items I've tried, like their nachos bell grande, weren't so hot.
I don't like sriracha stuff at all so I'll probably never try a Flamethrower. Come to think of it I haven't been to a Dairy Queen in about twenty five years. They were where I went to get ice cream as a little kid and only then once or twice. I'd have to go to one and report back to you. Those commercials sure were annoying!!
Qdoba is a taco/burrito/Mexican line-grill place like Chipotle.
I only bother with regular fries at Wendy's, if I'm at Five Guys it's cajun fries, and if I'm at Taco Bell it's Nacho Fries, and if I'm at Sonic or anywhere else I'll get mozzarella sticks or something.
iHop has nice monster mozza sticks too. And cannoli and red velvet pancakes.
I think I had the nacho fries once.
They were pretty damned good as I recall.
Nope, it's not sriracha in Flamethrower sauce, it's Tobasco, I just looked.
Hmm, Maine has a place called Blast From The Past that's a 50's diner.
I gotta compare their menu to Sonic's see how much if anything they copy.
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