Postcards from Podsville #13.

Petty squabbles.
Tch, where to begin?

We all saw squabbles as kids, didn't we?
Either at home, or when we were dragged out to other people's houses.
And weren't your parents friends always fuckin' dysfunctional?
Notice that one?
Jayzus, we've got a lot of fucked up people in this country.

I was fortunate enough to be at ground zero of some real red-faced shriekers.
What a show.
*Sarcastic clapping*
Weren't they just so stupid?
Weren't they just so fucking stupid?
Goddamn they were fucking stupid.

Just think of the topics.

Fucking FOOD, y'know?

People shivering in despair over fucking mashed potatoes.

And you no doubt, as I did, thought to yourself as a kid "Jesus, this shit is fucking stupid. I wish these noisy unstable people would just shut the fuck up".
Swears and all, you thought it.
Admit it.

What a goddamned hamper on your day y'know?
Trying to just mozy along, watch some fuckin' TV, play with some fuckin' toys, and then this shit.
A fiiight *eye roll*.

Everything, and everyone, has to be frozen in timid awkwardness, because two noisy idiots in the room have to fiiight.

Potatooooesss!! Poootaaatoooess! Aaaaarraaauuaaaarraaghh!!!
*Object flies across the room*

Jay-zus Keeee-rist!

It was about potatoes, or car keys, or missing change, or some shit, but it was always stupid shit.

When I got a little older, when the insolence started kicking in, around 7 or so, I made some comment on fights being dumb.

Can't remember the exact exchange, it's fuzzy now, but what stuck with me was the response.

"You'll understand when you're older".

Lotta bullshit hid behind that one.

It's really a restatement of that "just because", shit.

Y'know, the person can't put it into words, so ya gotta figure it's some "feelings", things, and you'll "understand", when you feel it too.

Like the religion thing.
Until you get that magic special Jesus-buzz, you just don't "get it".

Bullshit.
Plenty of ex-religious atheists to crush that one.
It's brain chemicals, folks.

"You just don't get it", "just because", "you'll understand when you're older", "you'll understand when you die and go to Heaven", all the same shit.

All the same lie.

And they pretend it's "wisdom".

It's not, it's bullshit.

Anyway, getting back to the squabble thing, y'know what there is to understand when you're older, kiddies?

Nothing. It's shit.

I mean, okay, there's all the powerful grownup emotions, and deep psychological underpinnings, yeah, but, the first guess is still the right one, fights are fucking stupid.

Let's just pick it apart.

The potatoes fight isn't really about potatoes, it's about finances, and job stability, and bills, and debt, and...

But, it's not even about that, it's about deep memories of childhood baggage.

And a kid would understand childhood baggage, because that's what the fucking fights are.

So, right off the bat, the "you'll understand when you're older", line is a straight up line of bullshit on its face.

Nevermind that it's just a careless lazy dismissal anyway.

See, what you really have to understand, is most fucking people, live in a gut reacted world of raw emotion, no thought whatsoever.

And your intuition that it fucking sucks, and no good comes of it, is right.

Look at the news "offended", Muslims, butt-hurt Catholics, sniveling tyrants, and all of 'em after someone's head on a plate for their wounded widdwe feewings.

It's shit.
A big pile of shit.
There, your sense of reason is confirmed, you're not crazy.

And not only are the fights stupid, but no one wins!

NO ONE WINS!

Have you ever in your fucking life seen anyone win these fucking things?

Have you ever talked to anyone who saw someone win one of these things?

Is there a fucking fight trophy somewhere?

Surely it would have been a fucking Olympic event by now.

"Oh! And Agnes just busted his balls with "boy did your mother do a number on you!", let's watch the instant replay!".

No one wins.

And if ya did win, what would you get?
There's no crown, or money, or nothing.
Shit, not even a fucking candy bar.
Nothing.
And if you did win, it'd be fleeting, because the same shit is just gonna happen all over again.

So, all this meaningless selfish behavior passes on more baggage to the next generation to be turned into more stupid fights...

...until someone finally ends up on fucking Dr. Phil.

Okay, if you've never seen Dr. Phil's show, lemme lay it out for you.

Two squabbling self-absorbed chaos addicts are trotted out on stage after a fake staged home video of their dopey private homelife problems is shown in a giant big-screen TV, and then Dr. Phil condescends to them with some bootstrap conservative horseshit sprinkled with some goofy-assed pseudo-yokel catchphrase-y platitudes.

Maybe, if there's time, another tribe of idiots is paraded, and treated to the same abuse.

The zombies in the audience applaud intermittently.

The assholes never get better, but Phil pats himself on the back anyway.

That's it. That's every episode.
You've just seen the whole series.
I've saved you countless hours of frustration, and pain.

Okay, here's Dr. Mike's diagnosis for 98%of the idiots who go on this show, so if you're such a person, listen up, and save the public embarrassment, and annoying plane flight.

First, divorce this stupid horrible prick the femptosecond you get off this show.

Secondly, women of the planet within reach of my voice, do NOT do NOT fuck this man!

He's an illiterate, ignorant, inbred, narcissist, piece of human flotsam, and his genes need to die off this fucking planet!!!!

Do this enough, and there'll be no more fucked up people, and there'll be no more shows like Dr. Phil, and we can get on with our fucking lives!!

(Okay, if it's a woman, switch the pronouns around, and throw "cunt", in there somewhere)

There, that's the cure for most of these people.

The other 2% call the cops.
Or, grow a pair, and learn to tell people to go fuck themselves, and stop caring what they think, and avoid them.

See, that's my whole show, done in 5 minutes, and why I couldn't sell shampoo for a network.

And it's really why you'll never hear that shit from Dr. Phil.
Not "manners", or anything.
Are you kidding?

Sure, he talks a good game about "nutting up", but he'll never nut up, and say the obvious shit everyone in the audience is thinking.

Well, there's also the problem that, a "lefty", might say that, and he's strapped himself to the Sisyphus-ian boulder of "family values".

So, you have to suffer the grueling insincere gauntlet of...

"Aaahhh caaain't teeell yoouuu what to deeuuuoooo!!! Yoouu gotta de-saaahhde whuuut's raahhhght for yeeuuu to deooo-eeooeeaarrghh-gurgle, gurgle, duhr".

How about this?

We know that no one wins fights, so why not lose the word altogether, and call it what it really is?
"The airing of grievances".
Y'know, like Festivus.

Make a weekly ritual of it.
Push back from the dinner table, and proclaim "and now!! The airing of grievances!!", and then let the venom and bile fly.

And then, when it's all done?

Those dead silences humans seem to enjoy.

Shit, this is too good for just households, let's try this shit at the UN instead of wars!

Naw, shit, you're right, wouldn't work, no one makes a buck off that....

Good old Goya had it right about the world.
Always did.

(Scroll back to the opening picture)