Why the Weird Al version is always better.

Ranted here about how Weird Al got me through the 80's (along with Freddy movies, and MAD magazines, and all that good stuff).

And I always noticed, the Weird Al version of a song was always better.

As much as I liked 80's music...I look back, and the stuff that's made it through the time barrier as my batch of beloved songs....didn't tend to be up at the top of the charts.

The stuff in the top 5, the stuff MTV tended to play all fucking day...was the shit.

And the shit tended to be...well, the stuff Weird Al goofed on.

I generally knew that the Weird Al version was better, and that the real version was crappier...and vaguely knew why....

But, I can wrap words around it now, and if I could travel time, I'd explain it to myself thusly...

Well...I gotta take the long way around, Mike, so bear with me...

I gotta start with...grownups are liars.
So, let's pick apart some lies.

Religion? Fake.
Religion got grown adults to believe in a big invisible man in the sky.
And...maybe you went along with it, because grownups are supposed to know what the fuck they're talking about...but in your deepest heart of hearts, you always knew it was shit..that's why it always felt creepy to be in church.
It IS fuckin' creepy.
Your gut knows, your lie sense knows.
The creepy feeling is in struggling against your lie sense.

Then, comes patriotism.
Patriotism says your country is right, no matter what it does.
Well, your gut knows that's a lie.
If you rob a bank, it's bad, and you're called bad, and you go to jail.
Your grampy goes bad, robs a bank, he's gotta go to jail, you're gonna have conflict, but it's fucking wrong.
But patriotism says, if America robs a bank it's GOOD.
It's GOOD that it robbed a bank, because it's America.
Well, America can't rob a bank, but it can rob another country, and they'll call it a war.
Yayy! Yay, war! Wave your flag!
So, patriotism is a lie.

And patriotism uses religion.
"God bless America!".

Then comes advertising.
Advertising is a little patriotism for a company instead of a country.
"Our apple juice is better than their apple juice!".
Then they sing a terrible song about it.
Just like the terrible national anthem.
Then, you see on the news their apple juice had fucking alar in it.
Well, I guess they weren't the best.
So, they were lying.
They're all lying.
And some of advertising's lies use patriotism and/or religion.
You're not a "real American", if you don't swill this beer!

So, now we come back around to music.
I think the term "the music industry", says it all.
"The steel industry", "the timber industry", "the record industry".
They're just another company.
They'd put alar in your music if they could.
Well, they do, Madonna.
Madonna is musical alar.
Shitty music is a commercial for a record company.
Just like those awful jingles that stick in your head.
They're doing a fucking dance for their mini-patriotism for a company.
For money.
That's it, a buck.
They're whores.
Some of 'em let their shitty songs become shitty jingles.
It's happening to the boomer shit now, but you watch, this 80's shit will get raped in the 00's/10's.

Music made under those conditions is almost always gonna suck.
A thin trickle of real musicians gets through the filter, but it's a thick fucking filter.

SOOO, that's why the Weird Al version is better.
Weird Al is a nerd, and nerds are smart, so he's smarter than the dummies that make "real", music.
It takes a  brain to make fun of things.
And that's why it heals your brain to listen to it.
Humor kills the lie.

And that's why those tapes are gonna get you through this doofy fucking decade.

What gets you through the 90's?
Yourself.
Cartoon your fucking brains out, kid.
Like your life depends on it.
Because it fucking DOES.
They're gonna do every nasty trick they've got to MURDER your brain.
Fight.

Yeah, that's what I'd say....

And I think that sums it up.