Friday, June 22, 2012


Yeah, actually, saw this this Wednesday, but, y'know, book n' all...

So, let's get down to business...


Okay, short and sweet of it, I was entertained for 2 hours, and I'd gladly plunk down for the sequel to get the final answers on the space jockey.

Now, the longer version.

Was it a letdown?
Well, no, because I kept my expectations in check in the first place.

From the Halloween 2011 Alien series review...


The upcoming prequel to the first Alien that will give the backstory on the Space Jockey.

I don't know how to take it, in any other universe, a return of Ridley Scott to this universe would be exciting, but...he's made a bunch of stinkers in his old age.

I mean, remember how excited we were about George Lucas's return to Star Wars, and how that turned out?
And have we seen a prequel YET that's been worth a shit?
I'm not gonna let myself get worked up.

Was it a SW prequels level letdown?
Oh, fuck no.

Worst movie ever?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Watch some Adam Sandler rom-com piece of shit, and get back to me about bad movies, you melodramatic crybabies.

Now, to describe the actual film...well, you've probably either already seen it by now, or spoiled yourself with any of the millions of reviews out there....

...but if not....

Hmm, how to do it without really spoiling....

Okay, let me put it this way...

All the Alien franchise films....are really all the same movie done in different directorial styles....

So, let's do a quick recap from that vantage point....


Haunted house meets "Ten Little Indians", in space.

Chestbuster becomes drone, stalks hapless crew, picks them off one by one, Ripley survives by shooting it out the airlock.


"Alien", Turbo Edition.

More drones, a queen, Space Marines help to mow 'em down, Marines get picked off one by one, Ripley survives by shooting the Queen out the airlock.

Same movie, but bigger, louder, faster.
Y'know, Jim Cameron style.

Alien ³

"Alien", again, but all Fincher-y.

Y'know, all visually pretentious, like a late-80's music video.
S'alright, if you like that sort of thing.

Single drone again, picking off hapless inmates, they kill it with molten metal, and Ripley....well, doesn't survive.
But she sacrifices herself to kill her chestbuster-queen,'s kinda like the previous monster flushings, but Ripley checks out too.

Alien Resurrection 

"Alien", again, but directed by....*has to Google*...guy who did "Amelie", and written by guy who wrote/directed "Avengers".

Ripley's cloned back to life, there's multiple drones, and a Queen, the drones get out, and start picking off hapless scientists, and smugglers, all of which are complete assholes, a new kind of human-hybrid "newborn", craps out of the Queen, like a reverse chestbusting, and gets extruded through a hole in a window, counting as this entry's monster-flush.

Ripley and Winona Ryder escape by blowing up the space station.

Ripley later dies in Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator,  and Winona dies in Star Trek.

Okay, so, now that you've got all that refreshed into your memory, let's apply this back to....


"Alien", again, but with the first guy back.

Hapless scientists are picked off, but now by a zoo of alien beasties, and even a couple zombies, all unleashed by Space Jockey (now called Engineers) bio-weapons.

Lisbeth Salander is the new "Ripley", but now "Ripley", is an adorable Swedish midget, instead of an exotic  bony giant.

NuRipley survives by flushing the monster out...of herself!

Also, Space Jockey is God, and we're a lab accident gone wrong, and God hates us, and wants us all dead.
Like the ants that attack your jelly roll, and ruin it.

As an atheist, and a cynic, this warmed my heart.

So, this left a lot of unanswered questions, which hopefully will be answered in "Prometheus 2: The Search For Space-Jesus".

I'm sure hapless knuckleheads will be picked off one by one, and something will be flushed out of something.
And goo, there will be goo.

Overall, in the series, I'd place it....way better than 3 and 4, not as good as 2.

Now, if you want a more thorough, and spoilerrific take on things, check out this one from Mrs. Hyla.
She didn't liiike eet so maaach.
She thought eeet was steeenky.

Update: Mr. Hyla just added his to the pile too!

No comments:

Blog Archive