Just to get this shit out of the way so I don't socially fumble with it anymore...
Not a fan of "The Big Bang Theory", to put it mildly.
My flesh literally crawls when I'm at the computer, and whatever channel happens to be on fires up the reruns, and that theme song starts up.
"American Idol", or "Dancing With The Stars", or any of those judged talent shows make me wanna ice-pick a muthafucka.
If you watch anything on MTV, you're a sub-human to me, I don't even see you as a lifeform.
"Scrubs", is a piece of shit, it actually causes me spasms of physical pain.
Bad enough people think that miserable schlock is good, but there are some that get pretentious about it, and claim up and down that it has "brilliant writing".
These people need to die, preferably burning alive in overturned car wrecks in front of their children.
"30 Rock", is the most overrated fucking thing ever.
I used to think it was "X-Files", but a more obnoxious cultural fad always comes along.
"Modern Family", can pretty much bite my crank.
"The New Girl", and "Ugly Betty", make me want to kidnap babies out of maternity wards, just to sell them to lesbians.
And rewinding to the past a bit, the fandoms of "Ally McBeal", and "Sex And The City", and "Gilmore Girls", needed to be riddled with an industrial staple gun...for hours.
And...did I mention "Modern Family", can bite my crank?
All right then.
Oh, shit, right, and "Glee", fuck "Glee".
What do I like?
"It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", and "Louie", for the misanthropy.
Ditto "House", but that just wrapped (unsatisfactorily I might add).
"The Walking Dead", cuz people fucking die.
"The Boondocks", for being the embodiment of the middle finger.
"The Venture Bros", for really being the geekiest comic-bookiest show ever, not some shitty cutesie shitcom.
And, FOX cartoons.
Except Simpsons, which needs to be put down like a sick animal.
There, I've gotten that off my chest, and I feel better.
Well....I've kinda roped myself into doing all of these...but this one is always a bit of a fuddle for me.
See, I've soured on patriotism, I've "had issues", with our wars since this country became a superpower, so, pretty much all the ones in my lifetime, I think that war has been a cold-blooded corporate racket for a good goddamn long time, I don't believe in an afterlife, and I don't think anyone else should, I have no sentimentality at all for the comfort that idea brings people, I think cemeteries are an obsolete idea, and that dead people should be carved up for organs, donor card or no, and everything else fed to forest animals to keep the chemical elements in the cycle of nature, or else, used for science, and then fed to the critters, and only in extreme special cases cremated.
So, naturally, I'm an unpopular fella when this one rolls around.
I call it "awkwardness day".
But, if this day means something to you, hey, have a good one (?).
So, I'm watching all the bonuses on "American Psycho", and they're saying this-and-that about how it represents the 80's, and...yeah, I'll go for that.
But then, it got me to thinking, well, what other flicks represent other decades?
Could one do the whole century this way?
Mm'yeah, ya can...
I had to struggle a little once I got out of my lifetime, and had to give my film-history memory a nudge with Wikipedia, and, had to put some creative thought into a couple tie-breakers, but...it came together in about half an hour or so.
So, here's that.
Professor Dickynoo's history class....
There Will Be Blood.
Yep, shitty, thuggy, little oil barons, it would set the tone for the rest of the crummy century.
All Quiet On The Western Front.
World War fuckin' One.
One can safely argue World War fuckin' Two had to be fought,....but this one didn't, who gave a shit about a fucking archduke?
And, the residue of this one led to World War fuckin' Two.
Millions of people dead, because a douchebag in a coffee house with syphilis had to shoot a guy.
Fuck, it's like having World War fuckin' Three over the whole "impress Jody Foster", deal.
Yes, take it in, be bowled over by the horror.
Anyway, this had the balls to show war as shitty, and...yeah,of course it was one of the first books on the list that the Nazis burned.
Can't be saying war is stupid, and shitty, and whup up the patriotism in the proles, now can we?
No, we can't.
Burn that shit.
You make human frailty illegal, you create criminals, and create a fuckin' mafia.
Then, you need the g-men to bust the fuckin' mafia.
This goofy fuckin' country learned absolutely nothing from this.
Ah, well, ya gotta laugh, or you'll cry....
The Grapes Of Wrath
Ah, the dust bowl, and the depression.
The good old days, when bankers jumped off window ledges, and splatted on the sidewalk.
Now, they smugly make toasts at ya.
Nothing historically indicts every shitty rotten breed of authoritarian assbag-ism like Nazis, and nothing indicts Nazis like this fucking book/movie.
Yeah, "Judgement at Nuremberg", is a great flick too, and lets us pat ourselves on the back and all, but...this has a bit more bite.
To literally point the finger at humanity from the grave, man, that dips the whips in vinegar.
And...I don't want the decade represented by a flick where you see those racist nationalist fuckwads clomping around in their little booties.
They don't even deserve to be recorded.
Nope, the effect they had on innocents is their legacy.
Eat it, Nazis.
Forever, and no matter what you try to re-brand yourselves as.
Invasion Of The Body Snatchers
Yeah, a sci-fi for the 50's.
I found it fitting.
The 50's were all about b-movies, and saucer-men, and....fuckin' McCarthyism, and conformity, and censorship, and "duck and cover".
And, this flick nailed it as it was happening.
Fuck "Grease", with a red rubber dick.
That's white people Americana, it's a distorted fucking lens, it's pablum, it's treacle, and after "Romeo And Juliet", it's the fucking play that's made more high school drama classes miserable than can be fucking counted.
Nope, sorry, 50's, you're "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers", and that's that.
Diacanu has spoken.
Long live Diacanu.
Dr. Strangelove. (or, how I learned to stop worrying, and love the bomb)
Similar to "..body snatchers".
Fuck the hippies, fuck Woodstock, they fuckin' failed, we still have this rotten fucking culture war, so, all that hippie shit, it's amusing to watch, but as far as history cares, in the big fucking picture, it was a bug on the windshield.
Nope, it was about The Red Menace, and nuclear prick-waving.
That dictated everything, including Vietnam, which dictated the hippie push-back.
And this is the definitive nuclear prick-waving movie.
Everyone else rips it off.
Fuck "Hair", fuck "Platoon", fuck Oliver Stone's "Nixon", fuck 'em all.
Hell, while I'm at it, fuck all 'Nam movies that aren't "Full Metal Jacket".
There, that's finally said.
70's the movie.
Dead stop, period, the end.
I thought of this one second after "American Psycho".
Third, the one for the 00's coming up.
They flew right to my mind almost instantly, and that's when I knew I had some blog fodder.
Anyway, fuck "Saturday Night Fever", fuck "54", and fuck "The Deer Hunter", for not being "Full Metal Jacket".
Best fucking superhero movie ever.
Well, there's still "The Dark Knight Rises", and "Iron Man 3", and "Avengers 2", to contend with.
But...best so far.
Hard to discuss this without spoiling things....but here goes...
Everyone gets a moment to shine.
Hulk is fucking awesome, best he's ever been onscreen, indeed, he gets the funniest/coolest moment in the whole flick.
Banner ain't so shabby either.
Every Robert Downey Jr. line, fucking liquid gold.
Sam Jackson gets back every droplet of coolness that was robbed from him as Mace Windu.
Scarlett Johansson is a goddess. The script, and the camera, love her.
Continuity porn out the yin-yang.
Every CG disaster/invasion movie of the past 20 years was really practice for this.
This single flick body-slams the prequels into their hobo coffin, it's got everything that makes original SW good, and then some.
If they get a trilogy out of this franchise, which they likely will, forget it, it's over, the shadow of 'Wars is finally shrugged off Hollywood.
This is the new saga. Envy the children that'll grow up with it.
This is no fly-by-night summer flick that you forget about, this is the new epoch.
This is history making.
The box office records are justified.
And, as someone who knew the Marvel universe had this in 'em all along, I can only say, it's about goddamned time.
So, Amazon has a shitload of great little indie flicks for a buck-fitty and under, probably due to Blu-Ray taking over, so, I went to town, and here's the result.
Some nice recommendations for y'all.
The Man From Earth
Written by Jerome Bixby, who wrote the "Twilight Zone", where Billy Mumy is an evil little kid who wishes people into the cornfield, and the Mirror Universe one on Star Trek, and "Requiem For Methuselah", with the immortal, Flint.
This one, is set in modern day, and is about a college professor, who at his goodbye party, claims to be a 14,000 year old caveman.
No special effects, or spaceships, or explosions, it's all people just talking, and it's an order of magnitude better than most of the drek in the multiplexes.
Yeah, Ellen Page is awesome, I gotta collect all her movies now...
Speaking of Ellen Page being awesome...
So, it's Boltie vs. Night Owl as a pedophile.
That's all you need to know, and all I needed to know to grab this.
"The Man From Earth", and "Hard Candy", would both easily adapt into stage plays.
He Was A Quiet Man
Christian Slater plays a twitchy misfit who works in a cubicle who dreams of shooting up the place, but one day, another guy shoots up the place, and he (Slater) shoots him, and becomes a hero.
Pretty damned good.
Gotta mention, an asshole Amazon reviewer kinda-almost-spoiled the ending for me.
I thought he did, but it wasn't exactly how he said.
His version of the ending was more like one of the alternate endings.
Fuck you, shitty Amazon reviewer.
Why don't they delete spoilery ones?
Thought they had review cops for that...
Simon Pegg is going to finally complete this trilogy ("The Cornetto Trilogy') with "The World's End", sometime next year.
This is one that pretty much pivots on its twist ending, so, I can't say too much about it...
Okay, two girls go to a secluded country house of the parents of one of the girls, then a maniac shows up, and bad stuff starts to happen.
The girl on the cover is a lesbian.
The flick is French, and it's about damned time France put out a decent horror flick.
Italy, Japan, China, America, all the cool kids are doing it...
Oh, and don't read any fucking Amazon reviews, those sunzabitches love to spoil shit.
Saw a trailer for this in...I think "Hard Candy", and just had to have it.
Finally, the horror flick for foodies!
So, a chef gets a bad blog review, at the same time his cooking show is hanging by a thread, and his show gets cancelled, his restraunt fires him, and his cookware line goes kaput.
So, he snaps, and kidnaps the critic (played by "Josh", from Blair Witch) and subjects him to wacky tortures.
Naturally, things get out of hand...
Mario Batali from Food Network has a cameo role.
And, he's pretty cool.
Gets to swear his head off, and you can tell he loves it.
The People Under The Stairs
This came in a cheap 3 pack along with "Shocker", and "The Serpent And The Rainbow".
I needed to upgrade "Shocker", and hey, you get the others for free.
Well, less than that, given the whole set was two and some change.
This is the best of the lot.
Craven's most blatantly political allegory.
The psychopaths are clearly supposed to be Republicans, and white-bread America in general, the basement folks are meant to be everyone else, and individually, the guy is Reagan, and the wife is a redhead Joan Crawford.
I found it to be a knee-slapper, gore and all.
Love subversive shit like this.
The Serpent And The Rainbow
Eh, it's interesting, I'll give it that.
Probably the best Voodoo movie you'll ever see.
Every other movie that has Voodoo has some bullshit they call Voodoo, but it ain't.
At least this one's somewhat culturally authentic.
And...someone had to do the Voodoo movie, because Voodoo is the source of zombies.
You could do a lot worse than Wes Craven.
So..yeah, if we're gonna have this whole zombie genre, y'know, what better thing than to discuss real zombies?
Anyway, Bill Pullman (Spaceballs) goes down to Haiti to get a sample of the zombie drug for study by a big pharma company, and....hi-jinks ensue.
So, Wes Craven signed away all his rights to "A Nightmare On Elm Street", to get it made, and naturally, he felt fucked over when it exploded forth into the whole franchise monster it became in the late 80's, so...he tried to make his own franchise-guy in Horace Pinker, to compete with, and even possibly beat Freddy.
Obviously, that didn't pan out...
It's a fun little film, I like it mostly out of childhood nostalgia.
The end bit where Horace and the hero travel through TV programs is the best bit, and what it all builds up to. There should have been more of it.
Well, there could have been with sequels, but...
Um...if you're going to make "the next Freddy", he needs a gimmick.
I mean, Freddy had the dreams, and Horace had electricity, and TV, but...Freddy also had the glove.
What did Horace have?
The electric chair burns on his head?
The hunting knife?
No...he replaced that with a Nazi knife from a WWII movie.
So, he didn't even have a trademark weapon.
Well...he had the "no more Mr. Nice Guy", catchphrase...
Nahh....there needed to be something more.
Also, I sense the MPAA neutered the violence some...
But, it's got the trademark Craven philosophizing, here, flipping off television.
No one listened, it's worse than it ever was.
Well, here's a zombie flick with a twist we haven't seen yet....
And...it's actually surprising it took to the late 00's for someone to do it....
All right, so, these two teenage boys find and explore this abandoned hospital, and they find this naked zombie girl strapped down in the deepest bowels of the place, and the creepier of the two friends decides to use her as a sex toy, and invites his creepy pals down to join in on the fun.
The good kid struggles morally between what he feels is right, and keeping his only friends in this shitty podunk town.
Strangely,...despite it's unsettling theme of zombie necrophilia...it plays more like a dark coming of age teen drama.
I mean, shit, I KNEW little bastards like this.
You'll probably recognize people you knew too.
Good performances, interesting arty little film, if you can let yourself get past the surface stuff.
This could have been schlock in less competent hands, but, it's a fun little ride.
Gore hounds will delight and rejoice.
I got this literally for a dime, and...I see why, the disk came (used) in a lousy case, and scratched all to hell.
I have a spare player that has a crappy everything else, but better scratch correction than my PS2, so, I was just able to watch it.
I'm thinking of pitching it in favor of a decent package of the whole trilogy.
This one was really late delivery wise, and I'd given up, and started writing this review yesterday, but lo and behold, roundabout when I was typing out the chunk for "High Tension", the mailman rolls by, and drops it off.
So, I spent the rest of last night digesting the flick, and all the bonuses.
Anyhoo, it's pretty good, but part II is way better, and they're both better together.
This is an homage to 80's slasher horror, especially the Jasons.
Adam Green made this character/story up when he was 8 years old, so...hey, that gives me hope with Harry...
Kane Hodder stars as Victor Crowley, and...fuck it, Victor is way better than Jason, and Hatchet the duology is way better than all fucking eleven of the Jason flicks.
So, hooray for Kane Hodder, he's finally involved with something good!
Robert Englund is in this for like, a couple minutes at the beginning, as is Tony Todd (Candyman, The Man From Earth) , Richard Riehle (The Man From Earth, various Trek appearances), and Joel Murray (God Bless America).
Like I said, way better than 1.
There's a 5 year gap in between the release of these, and Green's improved experience shows.
Tony Todd's role is expanded in this one, and the survivor girl from the last one is recast as Danielle Harris (the little girl from Halloween 5 grown up), and she's so much better than the other chick, it ain't funny.
Other horror stars include Tom Holland (director of Fright Night), R.A. Mihailoff (Leatherface in part 3), John Carl Buechler (effects man, and director of Jason 7), and a quickie cameo by Lloyd Kaufman (the Toxic Avenger series, and also cameos in "Super")
Well, the first one is a bit slow, but, you've got Gary fucking Busey as the guy who gets turned into the talking killer cookie, so...there you go, what more do you need?
The second one, there's no Busey, and it's really barely about Gingerdead man, the core plot is a self-parody of Full Moon, and Charles Band, and...it's a fucking riot.
I enjoyed this the most of the two.
They (Full Moon) seem to kind of know they suck...but...on the other hand, the Charlie Band parody character gives an enchanting uplifting speech justifying their existence that'll appeal to all us struggling underdogs out there.
A must-watch if you grew up on Full Moon flicks, for sure.
Oh, yeah, and the imaginary flick they're filming during Gingerdead's rampage is "Tiny Terrors 9", a parody of the "Puppetmaster", series, and that there are 8 of the suckers.
The parody puppets are Treasure Chest (a pirate with tits), Hemorrhoid (I couldn't make out the visual pun to this one), Knob Goblin (a wizard with a lawn gnome hat, a beard, fangs, and a bloody mouth), Percolator (a coffee pot robot with laser gun arms), Shit-for-brains (a kewbpie doll in overalls with a turd on its head), and Haunted Dildo (yep, exactly what it sounds like).
The summoning scene for these characters alone made me crack up, and was worth the price of the disk.
The villain in this is actually not Gingerdead, so much as an evil blog reviewer.
Well...I'll try not to take it personally, Charlie....
Wyeehhll...I got it to be a Robert Englund fanboy...but...not worth it.