Okay, so, J. Michael Straczynski started out writing for "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe", then went to "The Real Ghostbusters", and then, this was his first thing that was his baby from the ground up before breaking through finally with "Babylon 5".
So, the gimmick to this was, there was a toy spaceship that was also a light gun, and there'd be strobing segments of characters in the show that could be read by a sensor on this thing, and as a result, you could zap characters with the light gun, and get points.
So....it was supposed to be an interactive show...yeah...interactive..*eye roll*
Didn't work, and when it did, it was still stupid.
The show got lost in the gimmick, and the (justified) wailing of all the parents that shelled out for the piece of shit toys.
So the show itself ...eh, not very memorable, Captain Power and his flunkies had regular identities, and then, metal thingies on their chests could replicate their super suits on..somehow.
The transformation had a seizure causing strobe to it too.
And...the villains were these primitive CGI robot bird men things that had a gun that would fold out of their arm, that could break you down into pixels, and suck you up.
This was called "digitizing", and was said rather ominously.
The acting on this was terrible, like..bad 30's serial corny.
Most cynical marketing thing ever, glad it flopped.
Out of this World
A girl's mom had a fling with a deadbeat-dad alien, and now the girl can stop time by doing the thing with her fingers in the picture.
How this is a genetic gift, I have no idea but...meh.
Also, she had this thing that looked like two glass pyramids that opened up like a clam, and was her space communicator to talk to her dad, who'd dispense wisdom at the end of every episode.
Kinda like "Mork calling Orson".
Later episode writers would treat the thing like it was her dad.
No one involved with this piece of shit gave a damn.
"Swinging on the star", was the theme song.
It was just awful, I hated it.
But, literally, nothing else was on, and it was between two shows I liked, so I stoically suffered.
You whipper-snappers think "Two And A Half Men", is the worst show ever?
Fuck you, this was worse.
And "Who's The Boss?", is worse than even this.
You young-uns don't know what suffering truly is.
Hard Time On Planet Earth
So, essentially, what amounts to The Predator is sentenced by some invisible galactic tribunal for a crime we never really get the gist of, and his punishment is to be morphed into the evil coach from "The Karate Kid", and beamed to Earth to put up with the day-to-day crushing assholism of humanity.
He has an adorable sidekick in the form of a (again, primitive) CGI floaty thing that's a cross between the ship from "Flight of the Navigator", and a walnut, and was the size of a basketball.
Somehow, week to week, they end up getting caught up in bullshit that leads to them solving crimes.
Another one I dug as a kid, but Youtube clips make me beg for death.
The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles
So, Unca' Georgie was actually hands-on involved with this, even directing a bunch of 'em.
He's said in numerous interviews, that if he had his dream job, he never would have stopped making these.
Yeah, you're right, you should have done that, forever, and then you should have let Frank Darabont direct the prequels, and the Bantam Books novelists write 'em.
Then, we all would have been happy.
I knew it was on...but I was indifferent to it.
But then, I'm a person.
It was a western, but it had some sci-fi bullshit in it.
There was this gold ball with bumps all over it, and the bumps could pull off as these glowing fuel-rod things, and the glowing rods could give those that touched them momentary telekinetic abilities.
Later episodes revealed this thing to be from the distant future.
The bad guys were always after it, and possession of it bounced back and forth.
I didn't keep up with this much.
Um...a long car commercial for the Dodge Viper, really.
So, this Viper was equipped with guns and stuff, but its trademark feature was Batmobile armor out of the '89 Batman flick, but here, it assembled out of hexagon tiles.
The guy who drove the thing, I don't even remember.
He was car-stuffing.
I don't remember much else about it.
It was "meh".
Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters From Beverly Hills
So, "MacGuyver", had finally ended, and this kooky "UPN", thingy was struggling to life, so they were pretty much giving anyone a free show, and Richard Dean Anderson got this, and was treated like royalty.
Like seriously, it wasn't far off from "starring Richard Dean Anderson!! The king of TV! We fucking got 'im!! Holy shit!".
It was a western, and the best thing about it was John Delancie as the sidekick.
Can't lose with Q.
Well, okay, UPN did, this didn't last long.
Same deal as "Legend", UPN was like, "hey, Christopher Lloyd! Want a free show?".
And he was probably like "yeah, okay, what the hell? I got my eye on a new boat...".
So, then, this happened.
All right, so, the gist is, a physicist moonlights as a crappy game designer, and his anti-matter experiment somehow lets all the villains out of his game into real life, and Christopher Lloyd is the lead baddie.
Every week, they re-capture a different mini-boss, and every week, we find out each villain is based on a real person who wronged the programmer.
Spoiler, Lloyd/Jackal is his dad.
Best part of the entire series...
So...Lori Singer accidentally cobbles together a VR rig that lets her phone-modem into people's subconscious minds, and mess with their heads.
A Vulcan mind-meld through the phone lines, essentially.
And the person on the other end doesn't have to have VR, or even a computer, just a phone.
The bullshit was really thick.
Oh, and the British guy from Buffy was in it, playing essentially the same drip.
On around the same time as X-Files, I was hoping they'd both be cancelled, I got half my wish.
Created by Peter David (who wrote for Hulk in the bad years) and Billy Mumy (who was Will Robinson on "Lost in Space").
See the girl with the rainbow hair?
She grew up into Kaylee from "Firefly".
So, this thing was, like, Star Trek for kids, and all the kid crew members had some kind of alien superpower, so...that basically made 'em a superhero team as well.
My young cousins were into it.
Justice League of America
A failed pilot.
Yes, there was a live-action JLA show.
It's on Youtube.
And it's just awful.
See the discussion thread on "DC TV", starting here.
Imagine "The Tomorrow People", but they've all got the powers of "Manimal", but instead of latex change-o heads, it's accomplished with a shitty morph of a still photograph of a person head to an animal head.
Sounds great, huh?
G vs E
Um, Tarantino-esque blaxploitation-vibe...and they're cops working for heaven working to kill demon...things...
Made by USA Network,...they had a helluva time getting their shit together...
The middle one is Gina Torres, she ended up on "Firefly".
That's all this was good for.
Hmm, what happened to the one on the right with the abs?
Special Unit 2
They were like Ghostbusters, except, they were everything-else-but-ghosts-busters.
The midget was some kind of elf, or troll, or something.
He was surly, and foulmouthed.
Upon reflection, every show needs this character, or his equivalent.
UPN was a silly place, wasn't it?
Imagine "Route 66", if the guys ran into monsters that they had to kill every week.
This is kinda what I hoped "X-Files", would be when I first heard of it.
Y'know, none of this "Aaaa! A monster! Oh, it got away,..phew", bullshit.
Roll up your sleeves, and kill the fuckin' thing, ya pussies!
Anyway...by the time they got around to this version of the concept, I didn't care anymore.
And...I'm not gonna say "done", or variations of anymore, there'll probably be more...dammit.
The sequel to "Fist of Legend", so, one presumes, also a retro-sequel to "Enter The Dragon".
Note the character wearing a mask like Kato in "Green Hornet".
Speaking of Kato....
...I thought this character was Kato.
The look and m.o. is so damned close...
Anyway, this is also from Kong Kong, and got a stateside release, and even commercials...the sequel...not so much...that I can recall...
Black Mask 2
The Heroic Trio
Featuring Michelle Yeoh, who broke through over here in Jackie Chan's "Supercop", and of course, you all know her from "Tomorrow Never Dies", and "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon".
An invisible being (who turns out to be Yeoh) is kidnapping babies, and two vigilante karate chicks have to save the babies, and defeat the Evil Master.
Yeoh turns good, or...where else does the "trio", come in?
Part 2 of "The Heroic Trio".
From Hong Kong...
Michelle Yeoh is back again as a chick in a silver outfit, riding a motorcycle, and rescuing kidnapped pandas.
...holy shit, sign me up for some of that!
Cool Dimension: Innocent Assassin
A chick is raised from babyhood to be a programmed assassin, but one day, her memories come back, and her programming goes kerflooey, and she starts killing her handlers.
From Japan...(well, it had damned well better be..)
Taste the madness.....
Japan's Mickey Mouse.
An android kid with Superman-ish powers, and who I'm dead certain that Megaman is a lock, stock, and barrel rip of.
The Red Eagle
Man, with all the kiddie-banging going on over there, they need a superhero...
Indeed, he does kill a child pornographer, so...hey, going in the right direction there.
Another one from Thailand.
Okay, so, unlike Red Eagle, this dude actually has powers.
Granted to him by being stabbed with a magic amulet, his powers seem akin to Human Torch's, with extra strength and agility, and regeneration tossed in.
Here, in a parody of "Spider-Man", he drinks coffee contaminated by a virus infected gecko, and gets gecko powers...that being sticking to walls, and eating flies.
And, there's a bad guy to fight, natch.
Cicak Man 2: Black Planet
Bad guy from part 1 comes back, everything is ratcheted up, plots come to a head, yadda yadda..
Except, it's neat to see it all happening again for the first time in these other countries...
So, a dude gets superpowers to save the whole freakin' universe via some loopholes in Hindu mythology.
'Nother one from India.
So..Drona is Superman-ish, so I guess this guy is their Batman.
This was the highest grossing movie in India ever...for 6 months..but, Krrish 2 is a-comin' so...
An arrogant punk kid is gifted a flying super car that he doesn't know is super at first, then he does, and uses it for selfish frivolous bullshit, until, in a turn very similar to "Spiderman", he neglects saving his own father, and then turns his worldview around, and uses the car to fight crime.
Yeah, some of these actually look pretty fuckin' decent.
Got some new stuff to check out, that's always good...
So, here's some I kept expecting to slip into other categories down the line, and they just didn't fit in, and kept getting pushed down.
Or...I just plain forgot 'em, or didn't know about 'em.
But, mostly that first one.
The Matrix Series
*Grits teeth* oh, ALL RIGHT!!
Neo can dodge bullets, and fly, and all that shit, so, I gotta count him in....
*Shrug* didn't like 'em.
They didn't do a damned thing for me.
Like X-Files, it's one of those cultural phenomena that just passed me by.
Latest one is "Dancing With The Stars", you can explain to me all day why that's supposed to interest me, and I still wouldn't get it.
WHY did I loathe the Matrix?
...it would take up this whole post to really pick it apart properly...but the biggest ingredient...the pose.
The preening Gen-X pose.
Everything that made me want to vomit about the 90's came to a head, and sprayed its puss with these flicks.
And then, it made me extra sick to see geek culture go down that path of wanting to BE these posers.
It's like my Tick story (see here) first they become another exclusionary clique, then they turn around, and envy "the cool kids".
Real losers are those that loathe their own individuality.
The fandom of this mess did so with abandon.
This is fucking great, and I fucking HATE "The Matrix". See? Decent writers and artists can make anything good.
So, yeah, if you're one of the rare people like myself who despised "The Matrix", but loves quality adult animated anthologies, check this out. The prequel/flashback at the beginning gives you the whole lowdown on "The Matrix", so you don't even have to see the original film. And then the main characters pop up, and several new characters go through similar story motions as Neo. So...it's Matrix remade good. Ignore fuckin' Keanu, and just get this. And again, pretend it's Heavy Metal 2.
That should be "remade well".
Yeah, Animatrix just shut up, and told me a story without the "hip", bullshit.
So, after "Superhero TeeVee Too!!", Hyla reminded me of a couple I forgot, and that made me remember a couple more, then he remembered some more, and we bounced back and forth, next thing I know, I had another big list on my hands, and couldn't believe I forgot that fuggin' many.
So, here we go, starting all over again from the 70's...
The Sixth Sense
Um...interesting as hell, I dug it when I saw it, it's hard to nail down....
Okay, imagine X-Files, but it's just one guy, and he's mildly psychic, like, Oija board psychic.
Then, the cases he goes on are out of Scooby-Doo, but the ghosts are real.
All right? NOW, imagine, his powers gradually getting stronger, and then the show essentially mutates into Doctor Strange. The Disco Doctor Strange.
Yeah! Now you're interested!
Yep, this is actually the show we might have gotten if the Dr. Strange pilot had taken off.
And now, on top of all of that, you've got Gary Collins from "The Home Show", and more recently, night time infomercials, as the main character, Dr. Michael Rhodes.
Sound good? Damned right it does.
Or, at the least, you're curious.
Good, get hunting.
Okay, now this is weird, and I've never heard of this being done before, or since...
"Sixth Sense", and "Night Gallery", were on the same network, and...I don't know the fine details of the business deals that went behind this, but to fluff up their episode counts for syndication, "Night Gallery", and "Sixth Sense", were smooshed together.
SO, if you got ahold of "Night Gallery", and started watching, and then got to the last couple seasons, and you started wondering "hey...what happened to the anthology format? Where's Rod Serling? And why is Gary Collins the guest star every single time?".
Well, now you know.
And that's what made/makes this show a bit tricky to find.
Aaanyhoo, I caught it as pseudo "Night Galley", episodes on Sci-Fi Channel.
The Tomorrow People
A BBC import.
Um...well....it's Dr. Who meets X-Men, with kids, essentially.
Like in X-Men, kids start manifesting powers when they hit puberty.
And like with X-Men, some of these kids have gathered together, and have a base, and have equipment that can scan for new "Tomorrow People", and help them with their development.
They also work with the government, and protect the world from bad aliens, like Dr. Who does.
And, they're members of a "Galactic Confederation", so there's some Trek in there.
Meh, *wavey hand*
There was a remake in the 90's, that's the second image in the graphic...
Saw reruns as a kid on early Nickelodeon.
Nickelodeon got ahold of the new one too.
Didn't watch that one.
The Man From Atlantis
Starring Patrick Duffy as a total ripoff of Aquaman.
So, here, he comes back for his son, and it's nowhere near as messy, and traumatic, and stupid, as XTRO.
Also, for some reason, Karen Allen's character has run out, and disappeared, so, they spend the show looking for her, and never find her, cuz they got cancelled.
Oh, and government goons are always on their tail.
...again with 80's movies and TV hating the government...
...not that you shouldn't, but...are they really twirling their mustaches, and getting boners imagining slaughtering peaceful aliens just to put their fluids in jars?
And if so, why are our taxes going towards this?
What's the pay out?
I don't get it.
Meh, nothing else was on.
Once A Hero
Oh! Yes! Remember that one I couldn't remember last time?
Oh, and round about this time, or earlier, there was this one, also a failed pilot, where a superhero inside a comic strip, that knows he's a comic strip, finds a way to fly fast enough to break the reality barrier, and come into our world, then from there, it becomes a sitcom. I can't find any information on that at all, I can't even remember the title. If someone remembers, help me out.
Well, this is it!
Man, that was driving me crazy...
And Hyla did sorta help out, he reminded me of another show, that when I Youtubed, had this on the sidebar.
So, hey, cool, thanks, Hyla's luck-powers!
Pretty much as I described, and critics dug it, the rubes, not so much.
These cool critics must have all retired and died by the time shit like "My So Called Life", and "Gilmore Girls", shat forth...
A school teacher is a crime fighter by night.
...and paints his face.
This is the one that Hyla reminded me of that connected to "Once A Hero".
...don't remember it...remember the comic that went with it, though...
Oh, man, I'm so sick of mopey fucking vampires, why can't we hit the werewolf part of the cultural cycle again?
And make it soon, please!
Anyway, Werewolf was...a werewolf...I won't bother looking up the character's human name, you won't remember it, and neither will I.
So...he wasn't exactly a help-little-old-ladies-across-the-street superhero, but...he was trying to rid the world of Chuck Connors, even if selfishly to lift his own curse.
And, he was pretty fucking badass looking for 80's TV, as you can see there.
One of Fox's earliest shows.
This Mike And The Mechanics song was the de-facto theme, and...the radio played it to death, even long after the show ended, but I always thought of it as "The Werewolf Song".
Well, Sam Beckett didn't have powers, a costume, and was a gun-wuss...but...he was a Boy Scout do-gooder, and patched up people's lives, and he was a Don Bellisario creation, so...yeah, let's throw him in.
Plus, he traveled time, so...there's your sci-fi angle.
Tch...that stupid oblique ending...only "The Sopranos", was worse...christ, I don't even wanna talk about it.
A guy gets an exo-suit like Iron Man, but not as good as Iron Man, like, really on the cheap.
And a super bike, but not as fast as Street Hawk.
And, a billy club that doubles as some kind of raygun.
Aaand....Patrick MacNee's mind is in a computer, and his face is pixelated...yeah, that's a good idea, pixelate your biggest star, Max Headroom didn't need to be pixelated, they just made it far enough into the future where the graphics would be good...meh...
Anyway, this was like, the companion show to Superboy...somehow...guess cuz it had "super", in the title.
Well...so long as they put thought into it....
Well, it's time travel...but the rules were really stupid.....
Okay, you could travel time, but only backward, and only to the 20th century from the 22nd, and you did it by being baked in this giant microwave, and your molecules had to be perfectly lined up, so you had to take this funky drug that froze your molecules, and because of the side-effects of the drug, you could only go back in time, and come back, a third trip would make you sick, and/or crazy, and a fourth would make you get lost in the time-stream.
So, the plot is, a crooked scientist got paid a bunch of money to send a bunch of criminals back to our time to escape justice, so the dad from "Pet Sematary", gets sent back to give them a second dose of drug to download them back to the future to get sent to jail.
He wields as his main weapon, a car-alarm keychain fob that can shoot blue knockout glowey things, and red glowey things that have the "beam 'em up Scotty", drugs.
There's green glowey things, but I forgot what they do.
Also, he has a credit card that's really an AI computer that projects as a hologram of a chick, but she's plain, and dressed up like a school marm.
I liked it back then, but just describing it, man, it was stupid...
So, a black dude (don't get many of those) who's paralyzed, is also an electronics genius, and builds an exo-skeleton that can make him walk, and then he's like "hey, it just so happens this thing also makes me strong enough to turn people to paste with my bare hands, and the fabric is bullet proof, why not fight crime?".
There, that's vented, now we can finally move on....
Seriously though, this was just awful.
No wonder MTV just gave up, and shat out reality shows....
The Secret World of Alex Mack
A Nickelodeon thing.
Okay, so this girl gets splashed with chemical waste off of a truck, and gets telekinesis, finger-lightning, and the power to morph into a silver liquid ripped off from T2.
Not only does she keep her powers a secret, she puts up with miserable bullshit from the morons around her.
And, no one in her life isn't an obnoxious twat on some level that could use a zap.
Anyway, Jessica Alba, who'll pop up again later, was in it.
My younger cousins watched it as kids.
Only saw about 3 episodes over their house.
Didn't care for it a bit.
No one makes a good kid show anymore, it's really insulting to our youth.
We should be ashamed.
A guy trains his senses to the point he's like a human crime lab.
Sounds better than it was.
The Evil Government genetically engineered some genius kids, then, terminated the project, and one of 'em (as an adult) got away, and now he uses his genius to be able to do any job a human being can possibly do, plus disguises, to pose as anybody, to do missions...and stuff.
No, not the one from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".
No, this one, a mulleted saxophone player dresses up as a ripoff of Batman.
Buffy's little spinoff about her little boyfriend.
In the last seasons, her other little boyfriend joined up.
Joss Whedon needs to be taken out back, and beaten with a tenderizing mallet for this.
Heat Vision And Jack
A parody pilot by Ben Stiller, starring Jack Black, and Owen Wilson, and written by the guy what did "SCUD The Disposable Assasin".
Pretty much a note-perfect mockery of well...all the shit on this list.
So...Jack Black is an astronaut who gets exposed to "inappropriate amounts of solar radiation", and becomes the smartest man in the world, but only in daylight, and The Evil Government wants to remove his brain, so, he tries to escape, and calls his roommate, played by Owen Wilson, to come and get him, and the government stooges try to shoot him (Jack) with an experimental ray, but hit Owen Wilson, and he gets merged with, and becomes, his motorcycle.
"Heat Vision", is the bike, and "Jack", is Jack.
So, they're on the run from Ron Silver, and every town they go to, there's an unusual crime to solve.
Check it out.
And now, the opening to "Dead At 21".
See the similarities?
Man, you'll never look at TV the same way again....
*Yawn* another genetically engineered child escapes from another Evil Government Project...in another future that never happened.
So, this was produced by Jim Cameron, and starred Jessica Alba, who later was in "Fantastic Four", and "Sin City".
And, in that latter one, the little bitch wouldn't flash her titties, even though she was playing a stripper that flashed her titties in the book, and it was an R rated fucking movie.
What did Nickelodeon even breed you for, dammit?
What a waste.
Throw yourself in the rubbish.
A British sitcom? In the 00's?
Howcome I just a few days ago heard of this?
Well, it sounds goofy, but it was on for 6 seasons, so, it must've had something going for it....
Anyway, the premise seems to be, imagine if Superman came to Earth as an adult, and not a baby, so he had an extra Starman-ish fish-out-of-water thing going on.
And...I think that pretty much tells you what you'd be in for with this....
See above, especially the links.
A guy gets infested with nanites, and gets way less impressive superpowers than you would expect him to get.
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind", meets "Heroes".
Except, suck out all the joy, ala the new "Battlestar Galactica".
Man, I hated that strain in our culture....
So, I guess Chuck kinda had, like, sorta-powers.
He had a bunch of programming downloaded into his head that helped him...
..I never watched this.
Never got into "My Name Is Earl", or "Scrubs", or 30 Rock", or...meh.
Yeah, more Whedon crap.
He peaked at Firefly.
He's gotta go away now.
Okay, so...The Evil Government has a bunch of chicks they keep in little garages (I call 'em cubbies) like the Voltron Lions, and they program their brains with false identities, and skills for their missions.
...this is some spooky revolting shit that came out of 9/11 and Bush, this shit of The Evil Government doing worse evil shit than they EVER did in the old shows that HATED the government, but at the same time, seducing us that The Evil Government is working towards The Greater Good, therefore, are our pals.