So, after "Superhero TeeVee Three!!", I remembered a couple more, and then Hyla added one, and well...here we are..
Captain Power and
the Soldiers of the Future
Okay, so, J. Michael Straczynski started out writing for "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe", then went to "The Real Ghostbusters", and then, this was his first thing that was his baby from the ground up before breaking through finally with "Babylon 5".
So, the gimmick to this was, there was a toy spaceship that was also a light gun, and there'd be strobing segments of characters in the show that could be read by a sensor on this thing, and as a result, you could zap characters with the light gun, and get points.
So....it was supposed to be an interactive show...yeah...interactive..*eye roll*
Didn't work, and when it did, it was still stupid.
The show got lost in the gimmick, and the (justified) wailing of all the parents that shelled out for the piece of shit toys.
So the show itself ...eh, not very memorable, Captain Power and his flunkies had regular identities, and then, metal thingies on their chests could replicate their super suits on..somehow.
The transformation had a seizure causing strobe to it too.
And...the villains were these primitive CGI robot bird men things that had a gun that would fold out of their arm, that could break you down into pixels, and suck you up.
This was called "digitizing", and was said rather ominously.
The acting on this was terrible, like..bad 30's serial corny.
Most cynical marketing thing ever, glad it flopped.
Out of this World
A girl's mom had a fling with a deadbeat-dad alien, and now the girl can stop time by doing the thing with her fingers in the picture.
How this is a genetic gift, I have no idea but...meh.
Also, she had this thing that looked like two glass pyramids that opened up like a clam, and was her space communicator to talk to her dad, who'd dispense wisdom at the end of every episode.
Kinda like "Mork calling Orson".
Later episode writers would treat the thing like it was her dad.
No one involved with this piece of shit gave a damn.
"Swinging on the star", was the theme song.
It was just awful, I hated it.
But, literally, nothing else was on, and it was between two shows I liked, so I stoically suffered.
You whipper-snappers think "Two And A Half Men", is the worst show ever?
Fuck you, this was worse.
And "Who's The Boss?", is worse than even this.
You young-uns don't know what suffering truly is.
Hard Time On Planet Earth
So, essentially, what amounts to The Predator is sentenced by some invisible galactic tribunal for a crime we never really get the gist of, and his punishment is to be morphed into the evil coach from "The Karate Kid", and beamed to Earth to put up with the day-to-day crushing assholism of humanity.
He has an adorable sidekick in the form of a (again, primitive) CGI floaty thing that's a cross between the ship from "Flight of the Navigator", and a walnut, and was the size of a basketball.
Somehow, week to week, they end up getting caught up in bullshit that leads to them solving crimes.
Another one I dug as a kid, but Youtube clips make me beg for death.
The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles
So, Unca' Georgie was actually hands-on involved with this, even directing a bunch of 'em.
He's said in numerous interviews, that if he had his dream job, he never would have stopped making these.
Yeah, you're right, you should have done that, forever, and then you should have let Frank Darabont direct the prequels, and the Bantam Books novelists write 'em.
Then, we all would have been happy.
I knew it was on...but I was indifferent to it.
But then, I'm a person.
The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
Bruce Campbell's first show as the lead.
It was a western, but it had some sci-fi bullshit in it.
There was this gold ball with bumps all over it, and the bumps could pull off as these glowing fuel-rod things, and the glowing rods could give those that touched them momentary telekinetic abilities.
Later episodes revealed this thing to be from the distant future.
The bad guys were always after it, and possession of it bounced back and forth.
I didn't keep up with this much.
Um...a long car commercial for the Dodge Viper, really.
So, this Viper was equipped with guns and stuff, but its trademark feature was Batmobile armor out of the '89 Batman flick, but here, it assembled out of hexagon tiles.
The guy who drove the thing, I don't even remember.
He was car-stuffing.
I don't remember much else about it.
It was "meh".
Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters
From Beverly Hills
All these years later, and...wow...
Okay, so...imagine a Power Rangers knockoff, imagine it having the production values of "Commander USA's Groovie Movies", and imagine it taking itself dead seriously.
So, "MacGuyver", had finally ended, and this kooky "UPN", thingy was struggling to life, so they were pretty much giving anyone a free show, and Richard Dean Anderson got this, and was treated like royalty.
Like seriously, it wasn't far off from "starring Richard Dean Anderson!! The king of TV! We fucking got 'im!! Holy shit!".
It was a western, and the best thing about it was John Delancie as the sidekick.
Can't lose with Q.
Well, okay, UPN did, this didn't last long.
Same deal as "Legend", UPN was like, "hey, Christopher Lloyd! Want a free show?".
And he was probably like "yeah, okay, what the hell? I got my eye on a new boat...".
So, then, this happened.
All right, so, the gist is, a physicist moonlights as a crappy game designer, and his anti-matter experiment somehow lets all the villains out of his game into real life, and Christopher Lloyd is the lead baddie.
Every week, they re-capture a different mini-boss, and every week, we find out each villain is based on a real person who wronged the programmer.
Spoiler, Lloyd/Jackal is his dad.
Best part of the entire series...
So...Lori Singer accidentally cobbles together a VR rig that lets her phone-modem into people's subconscious minds, and mess with their heads.
A Vulcan mind-meld through the phone lines, essentially.
And the person on the other end doesn't have to have VR, or even a computer, just a phone.
The bullshit was really thick.
Oh, and the British guy from Buffy was in it, playing essentially the same drip.
On around the same time as X-Files, I was hoping they'd both be cancelled, I got half my wish.
Created by Peter David (who wrote for Hulk in the bad years) and Billy Mumy (who was Will Robinson on "Lost in Space").
See the girl with the rainbow hair?
She grew up into Kaylee from "Firefly".
So, this thing was, like, Star Trek for kids, and all the kid crew members had some kind of alien superpower, so...that basically made 'em a superhero team as well.
My young cousins were into it.
Justice League of America
A failed pilot.
Yes, there was a live-action JLA show.
It's on Youtube.
And it's just awful.
See the discussion thread on "DC TV", starting here.
Imagine "The Tomorrow People", but they've all got the powers of "Manimal", but instead of latex change-o heads, it's accomplished with a shitty morph of a still photograph of a person head to an animal head.
Sounds great, huh?
G vs E
Um, Tarantino-esque blaxploitation-vibe...and they're cops working for heaven working to kill demon...things...
Made by USA Network,...they had a helluva time getting their shit together...
Jack Of All Trades
Bruce Campbell's other show.
Um, so, it was set in the 18th century after the American revolution, and Bruce was a secret agent operating at the behest of President Jefferson.
It was "Legend", levels of goofy.
Can you imagine the fucking pitch meetings for some of this shit?
I mean, seriously.
It defies parody.
Barely remember it, ain't about to dig it up on Youtube.
A stripper (the one on the left) gets frozen to the future, and gets caught up in the resistance movement led by the other two chicks.
That's about it.
Thin plots, Xena-karate, repeat.
The middle one is Gina Torres, she ended up on "Firefly".
That's all this was good for.
Hmm, what happened to the one on the right with the abs?
Special Unit 2
They were like Ghostbusters, except, they were everything-else-but-ghosts-busters.
The midget was some kind of elf, or troll, or something.
He was surly, and foulmouthed.
Upon reflection, every show needs this character, or his equivalent.
UPN was a silly place, wasn't it?
Imagine "Route 66", if the guys ran into monsters that they had to kill every week.
This is kinda what I hoped "X-Files", would be when I first heard of it.
Y'know, none of this "Aaaa! A monster! Oh, it got away,..phew", bullshit.
Roll up your sleeves, and kill the fuckin' thing, ya pussies!
Anyway...by the time they got around to this version of the concept, I didn't care anymore.
And...I'm not gonna say "done", or variations of anymore, there'll probably be more...dammit.
Up next: The Silver Age!
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