Tuesday, April 22, 2014


So, here we go again.

Another cinema inspired religious revival.
Time to get out the knives again, and wade into the fray.

Noah (2014)

First off, I haven't seen any of these flicks, and I'm not going to.
Does that hinder my ability to dissect these films?
Yes, and no.
Yes, in that I can't rate the writing, direction, and performances, no, in that...come on...it's the same old shit.
It's Malibu Stacy with a new hat.

First, I gotta mention the controversy surrounding this particular flick.
The Christians hate it, because of the departures from the biblical account.
The Atheist hate it, because, well, come on.

So, who's going to see this thing?
Soft-Christians who don't really know the Bible, never attend church, but collect their X-mas gifts, and Easter eggs.
Which, is a lot of fucking people, when you think about it.

Same lot that got sucked in by "The Passion Of The Christ", actually.
How'd that work out?
Oh, right....*mean smirk*

Now to the "same old shit", portion of this review.
My breakdown of the Noah story from "Oh-Em-Gee".

...and we get Noah's Ark, where God commits genocide, not just on the people that pissed "him", off, but on millions of innocent children, and animals.

Say, couldn't an all-powerful God just make all the assholes have simultaneous spontaneous heart attacks, or something?
You would think.
Or , heck, teleport 'em into the sun, and atomize 'em.
No smelly body cleanup that way.

Nope, apparently, drowning everything in lots and lots of water is more "dramatic", or...something.
This omnipotent entity, who shouldn't even give this much of a shit about humans in the larger scale of things, cares about impressing people.

And, nice of him to leave the traumatic nightmare of all that cleanup to Noah and his kids.
Imagine finding a bird-pecked child up in a tree when you go apple picking.
Now imagine a present like that every day.

And from "Oh-Em-Gee-Too", re: "Evan Almighty",....

Hollywood, don't take evil Bible stories, and make 'em cute anymore.

Stop making "cute", comedy period, wouldja?
Take this saccharine Capra-crap, and blow it out your asses. 

If you're gonna spoof religion, have some fucking balls, like in the Python days.
No one's got any fucking balls anymore.

So, anyway, see again my rant on the "real", Noah's Ark.
That's some vile apocalypse-wank, but Hollywood had the balls to lay it steaming in our laps.

Apparently, they took my advice to heart, but not in the way I intended.
Instead of making a cute comedy, they made it serious again.

Hollywood, go back to the cute comedies.
I take it back.

So, yeah, this story doesn't get less disgusting or foolish, no matter how you dress it up.
I'm not going to stare into the heart of some big special effect, and go "woooowww, I so totally believe in this now!! It's suddenly not nonsense!!".
Go ahead and ad pornstars, and interactive dancers popping out of the walls of the theater on rollerskates, Noah's Ark still sucks donkeys as a story.
The core morals will still be gross a hundred thousand years from now.

And it's not harmless drivel, people do fall for this crap.
And then that gets used in bad ways.
Always does.
Louisiana just announced they want to make The Bible the official state book.
Fuck you.
If it were the Koran, you'd all be shrieking, and ripping your hair out.
Church/state separation, muthfuckas.

It's not harmless.
To quote Carlin for the zillionth time "it's all bullshit, and it's all bad for you".

And I'm sure there are people reading this thinking "tch, Miiiike, can't you just accept it as a movie?".
Would you go to "Mein Kampf", the movie?
Would you really?
Would friends telling you "Johnny Depp puts in such a tear-jerking performance as teenage Hitler, you're really missing out", sway you?
I would hope not.

Is it over the top to compare The Bible to "Mein Kampf"?
Um...not of you really actually think about it instead of knee-jerking.
Christianity is responsible for its genocides.
Open a history book.
There's authorization for genocide right in the fucking Bible.
Look at all the people Moses and King David wipe the fuck out without batting an eye.
Shit, "Noah", is a genocide!!
Slavery, totalitarianism, thought crime, it's all in that damned book.
And it ain't con, it's pro.
Pretty damned fascist.
If you don't know it's in there, you haven't read the thing, or you did through some foggy fucking goggles.
I don't know what to tell ya.

It ain't getting my money.
Any more than Chick-Fil-et, or "Ender's Game", or The Salvation Army.
Kiss my ass.

God's Not Dead (2014)

You know what would prove the assertion of this title?

God showing up.

Muthafucka just steps down from his cloud, and gives an interview.

That easy.

Nope, instead, we get Kevin Sorbo and Dean Cain playing cartoon super-villain atheists for Christians to boo and hiss at.

Oh, well, that's me converted.

This title protests too much.
Why would an omnipotent entity need defending, much less it be a worrisome concern that he can die?
It bespeaks a deep seated insecurity.
It subliminally admits the contrary.

Especially with the lack of what I pointed out at the beginning.
Any proof of God movie really needs God.
Anything else fails instantly.

And if God showed up, it wouldn't need a fucking movie, the news would have it.
It'd be on every channel and website.
You couldn't fucking miss it.
Trust me.
Just look back at how ubiquitous 9/11 was, then add a factor of 10.

So, explain why I even need to see this.
You can't.
I don't.
Once again, it's the same old crap.

And it ain't getting my money.
If it's getting yours, you're a sucker.
Even if you believe in this shit.

Heaven Is For Real (2014)

Another insecure title with no hard proof.

What proof do we get?

Same as in "The Demon Murder Case".

In fact, just from the ads, and what I've heard of the book, tells me this is the angelic mirror image of "The Demon Murder Case".

A kid being coached, and his parents making a buck.

At least this time, his big brother isn't trying to get off for a murder wrap.

Heaven is for real?
Don't give me hearsay, show it to me.
Open the fucking portal.
"It doesn't work that way"?
No, it never does, does it?
Except when it does, like Luke 24:1-51, and Mark 16:9-19.
But all those other times, you gotta die.
Because we say so.

Now, here's a case where your ticket money unquestionably goes into the hands of charlatans.
You can believe this shit with every fiber of your being, and these people are still crooks.
And if they aren't, what the fuck do you have to DO to be a hoodwink???
How blind does faith have to be to be dangerous??
Is there really no limit?
Anyone waves a cross around, you're on board?
Again, I don't know what to tell you folks.

So, I saved this shit for today, so as not to pee on Easter, but come on, folks, really?
These three stink-bombs are the source of the big revival?
Enough for Louisiana to pull its shit with everyone applauding?

Just fucking wow.

I don't want to be on this planet.
Every passing second makes it worse.


Anonymous said...

What if you really, really, really, REALLY like Kevin Sorbo?

- Lanz

Diacanu said...

Oh, well, then go for it.


Billdude said...

Supposedly the big scene in "God's Not Dead" is Kevin Sorbo acts like a jerk the whole movie, then gets hit by a truck, and converts to Christianity in his last few moments thanks to the hero of the film who is right nearby? Arghhh!!! Shouldn't real Christians be PISSED OFF at deathbed conversions? Ugh.

I didn't know Sorbo was a Christian, when doing some Wikipedia research on this film I also found out that he's damn near 60 years old. I guess "Hercules" was a long time ago.

"Noah" is supposed to be one of the goofiest epics ever filmed. I hated "Black Swan," and am not really that keen on Darren Aronofsky as a director.

"Heaven Is For Real" really bugs me more than the other two though because cinema types will sneer at "Noah," and most people will just ignore or sneer at "God's Not Dead." HIFR though, has inspired a great big movement though. And, of course, the kid can't really "do it again," but what really gets me is what he "saw." God is "really, really big," Jesus rides a fiery rainbow horsey (LGBT crowd will have a field day with that one) and wears a crown with a big pink diamond in the middle of it (ditto.) And of course all this was due to medicinal hallucination. Cripes, once when I was coming back from the dentist I hallucinated a gigantic steam iron floating around out on a nearby lake. I didn't know some little kid's vision of heaven would resemble a 1973 prog-rock band's album cover.

Diacanu said...

I just saw "Heaven Is For Real", is #2 on the box office top 10.

Man, people are sad.
You can tell 'em anything.

Like you said, prog rock Jesus, and they listen.

Anonymous said...

You know "Heaven is for Real" is a book with a huge cult following, right? Long before it was a movie. That's probably where the audience is coming from.

- Lanz

Diacanu said...

Yes, I'm well aware of the book.
Doesn't make it less depressing.

Billdude said...

What would be really funny: if all the HIFR people went and immediately watched Greg Kinnear in "Auto Focus" immediately afterwards, where he played BOB CRANE!!!

Diacanu said...

(see video)
Geez, that was the evidence?
The kid ID-ed his grandpa with some photos and leading questions??


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