Wednesday, we got some casting news. Eric Roberts is the mystery celebrity Tom Six has been coyly hinting at for some months.
Also featured will be Tiny Lister, who some may remember as "Zeus", from Hulk Hogan's first feature, "No Holds Barred", and, as the convict who threw away the detonator in "The Dark Knight".
And, Robert LaSardo, from the "Death Race", remake.
And, Bree Olson, the porn star.
And, of course, Dieter Laser, Laurence Harvey, and Tom Six.
Here's what we know about the film itself-
It's going to have a 500 person 'pede.
It's going to have helicopter shots, and machine guns.
It's going to make part 2 look like a Disney film.
Parts of it are going to be filmed in real prisons (this must be to facilitate the wrangling of the 500 victims).
10 lucky fans will get to be in the 'pede.
The tagline will be "100% politically incorrect".
Tom Six asked fans early on for a guide to every scrap possible of American profanity.
It's going to resolve the mysterious endings of parts 1 & 2.
Animals are going to be involved.
Dwarves are going to be involved.
Repeated reference has been made to McDonald's food on the twitter feed, so...fast food might be a target of social/cultural lampoon...possibly 'pede fuel (my conjecture).
So, yeah, it's basically going to be a three ring circus of filth and depravity.
With Tom Six as the naughty Roman emperor orchestrating the festivities.
It's already a horror classic without us seeing a scrap of footage.
Haven't been this excited since "Freddy vs. Jason".
Last time, "Red Dragon", edged this one out, but, I go back and forth, and for now, "Manhunter", is my favorite of the two "Red Dragon", adaptations.
Brian Cox was the first Hannibal, and I think he does a damned good job.
And, I like the tone this one sets better.
Not just with the cinematography, and music, which are fucking great, but the performances are more understated, and real, not as Hollywood-y, and scenery-chew-y as the Hopkins ones.
The Hannibal TV series apes the former acting style.
TV Graham seems based more on the Graham in this one too.
Anyhoo, Bull Moose had 3 editions, a crappy no-frills fullscreen that was just out of the question, an edition that was just like the one I ended up getting, and then, The Limited Edition, which was exactly like that one, but had an extra director's cut disc, and a little booklet in the form of a (DVD case sized, of course) manilla folder full of loose pages like a real file.
The director's cut didn't let you jump right to the stuff that was added, you had to watch it all the way through.
So, here's what you get.
An extra few seconds of dialog referring back to Garrett Hobbs, and how Hannibal cut up Graham, and how only two of Hannibal's victims survived, one who was in a loony bin, and one on a ventilator.
The latter, would retroactively become Mason Verger in "Hannibal".
So, that's a neat little reference now.
An extra scene with the original Dr. Chilton discussing Hannibal with Graham just before he goes in to see Hannibal that's also in "Red Dragon".
Extra little seconds in the Hannibal conversation that make it exactly like the identical scene in "Red Dragon", except of course, for the differences in performance.
A scene after the final Dollarhyde fight, where Graham looks in on the family that would have been Dollarhyde's next set of victims.
This is not in "Red Ragon", and feels like Michael Mann's idea.
But, I could be wrong, it could be in the novel, I dunno.
Anyhoo, these scenes are cut into a slightly fuzzy print for some reason.
There's a fourth edition, a "Restored Director's Cut", that's (one assumes) as crisp as the theatrical cut, and has a commentary by Michael Mann.
Now, I'd really like that commentary, but you don't get the documentary with all the actors, or the little folder which actually has some good stuff in it.
So, you've either gotta be double-dipped, or make a hard choice.
I went with Limited Edition.
Mostly, because it was right there in my hands, and I always kick myself when I pass these things up.
It was also, oddly, two bucks cheaper than the edition without the extra disc, and booklet.
Last time, I bemoaned not adding this to my collection.
Well, that's finally done.
Two fucking years later...
Basic frills, commentary, documentaries, trailer.
Any flick made in the mid-00's onward gets 'em.
We kinda get spoiled.
I dunno, I like it.
It's Thomas Harris's vision, he wrote the screenplay, I dunno what people were expecting.
Sure, it's got shades of "Batman Begins", and "Revenge Of The Sith".
Young Hannibal is heaps better than young Anakin.
I mean, come on.
It's its own thing, though.
It doesn't rehash the Hopkins ones, it's its own style.
"Red Dragon/Manhunter", and "Silence Of The Lambs", were police procedurals, "Hannibal", was Gothic horror, this is a dark fairy tale.
The tone shift is deliberate.
I appreciate it, maybe it pissed some people off.
Another complaint, is Hannibal's kills aren't varied enough "why does he only eat people's cheeks?".
Well, for one, his killings are often poetic justice, and the story lays out pretty clearly what that connection was about.
The other thing you have to consider, is a line right from Hopkins-Hannibal in "Red Dragon".
"We mustn't judge too harshly, Will. It was his first time".
"...and that's what our pilgrim is doing. He is refining his methods. He is evolving".
That's the point, he's not Hopkins-Hannibal yet, he has to get there.
I don't know what people expected....
Anycrap, if this had been a trilogy, the next ones would have been his Chesapeake-Ripper years, and then third would have taken it up to "Red Dragon", but the TV series is covering that period just fine.
So, we haven't really missed out on anything.
...except for the "Hannibal", sequel Hopkins wrote.
Would've liked to have seen that.
Well, while I'm obsessing over Hannibal stuff, may as well talk about the show....
The end-date is (perhaps) wishful thinking, but Bryan Fuller wants the full arc to be 7 years.
Just yesterday, NBC finally committed to the second season.
Bryan Fuller wants David Bowie to guest star as Hannibal's uncle, and that now becomes possible thanks to that renewal.
Yes, I am a fan, this series is well done.
Not just for Hannibal fanboys, it's one of the best fucking shows on.
Up there with "Breaking Bad", and "The Walking Dead", and stuff of that caliber.
Anyway, I guess 2 3rds of this post could count as Hannibal series part 2, couldn't it?
So, there's a third title for this sucker....
You can actually stay pretty clean, healthy, and fed when you're effectively homeless.
You can bathe and shave out of public restroom sinks, a little bit of pocket money can get you toothpaste, and breath strips, and wet wipes, and deodorant, and then, there are laundromats.
There's no reason to be a humanoid dog turd.
Except, you know, alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental illness.
Society has no plan for what to do with these people.
Oh, there are obvious things, but, there's no political will for it.
The rich need these people to fulfill the evil self-esteem narrative they have going on.
That they're special, that they're chosen, that they're "hard workers", that they're "self-made".
How can the rich deserve to be rich, if the poor don't deserve to be poor?
So, they HAVE to be hated, and they have to be there to be hated, so, they have to be created.
If we had a scheme to publicly house these people, then they're not homeless, and that breaks the whole fairy tale down.
The rich, the powerful, with rare exception, don't deserve to feel good about themselves.
The proof is in the lies.
I'm going to have to do something about that someday.
He served, but didn't see "action", the war ended in the nick of time.
Just as well, the conventional invasion of Japan would've made Normandy look like kindergarten, and woud've killed....pretty much everybody.
So, the first nukes probably made it so I could exist.
Anyhoo, as noted from another anecdote, he was as atheist as I am.
So, my rant last year on religion and afterlife being a bunch of booga-booga probably wouldn't have offended him.
Memories are all we have left.
Which, given the name of the day, is as it should be, I suppose.
Something was fishy though, the guy was WAY too smiley.
He didn't mention Phidippus-Dude at all, he just gave JS his next mission.
Find some missing persons, one of them, yet another superhero.
This time, The Prodigious Mass.
A bodybuilder/wrestler type, painted himself green, claimed his strength and the coloring were from radiation.
JS knew that bit had to be bullshit.
Radiation doesn't grant powers, it'll just fucking kill you.
Well, radiation in the frequency and doses needed to cause significant changes in the body anyway.
He had read as a kid, back in his bookworm days, that all electromagnetic energy was technically radiation.
Radio waves, microwaves, infra-red, the rainbow of visible light, ultra-violet, X-rays, and then, gamma rays.
He always envisioned it like a cosmic radio dial.
Crank up the channel, you head toward gamma, crank it back down, you head toward regular radio.
Everything else of normal every day experience was in between.
Infra-red to ultra-violet, no way would that do anything exotic to you.
Otherwise, people would be getting powers all the time from tanning beds.
It would've been on the news.
Radio to micro, again, everyday life would have made stadium crowds of superheroes by now.
That only left gamma.
And people exposed to extraordinary doses of that...envied the dead.
On that mental note, JS requested a Geiger counter for this one.
Maybe it was paranoia, but why leave things to chance?
David Peterson's life flashed before his eyes....
1993, bullies kicked sand in (the handsome and svelte) David Peterson's face.
That afternoon, he was hit by a mysterious bolt of energy that would later turn out to be a test firing of a military gamma test gone haywire.
David was endowed with superior size and strength, and became the being known as The Prodigious Mass!!
(Proma for short).
David/Mass immediately went back, and taught those nasty bullies a lesson!
From then on, he realized, it wasn't enough to just stop those bullies, but all wrongdoers, and so, he waged a one man war on crime!
1994, between crimefighting missions, David/Proma wins bodybuilding competitions to raise funds.
1995, David/Proma meets his sweetheart, Rose Betting.
1996, David/Proma meets his sidekick, Joe Ricke.
1997, David and Rose introduce Joe to his girlfriend, Phyllis Raymond.
1998, David and Rose, and Joe and Phyllis, have a big joint wedding.
Rose's asshole father, Lenny "Lightningcrash", Betting, interrupts the service, and shoots Joe in the shoulder.
David/Proma beats him like a redheaded stepchild.
Rose cheers him on.
1999, David, Rose, Joe, and Phyllis all go on a Hawaiian honeymoon, and meet and befriend Will Jameson, who, promptly dies of AIDS.
Someone somewhere utters the word "faggot", so Proma beats everyone in sight like redheaded stepchildren.
Rose cheers him on.
2000, Rose flirts with another super strongman, one Prof. Solomon.
Proma beats him like a redheaded stepchild.
Rose cheers him on.
This starts to become a kink.
2001, David/Proma flirts with a green female cosplayer, Jugerella.
Rose beats her like a redheaded stepchild.
David/Proma cheers her on.
2002, David, Rose, Joe, Phyllis, Solomon, and Jugerella just go ahead and start having orgies.
It's the Ubermenschian way.
2003, Rose, Joe, Phyllis, Solomon, Jugerella, and even Lightningcrash, became David's extended family of sorts, even aiding him in crimefighting.
2004-2011, David/Proma and his family fight many mad scientists and monsters, saving the entire planet on every occasion.
2012, David/Proma acquired the original radiation equipment that caused his transformation, and empowered his "family", creating the superhero team known as The Mass Mass.
The Mass Mass built their own underground cave base in an abandoned salt mine.
2013, the government, apparently fearful of beings that powerful going unchecked, attacked The Mass Mass, slaughtering everyone but Proma himself.
Proma went into a fury of vengeance, and declared war on humanity itself.
Finally, in a last ditch attempt, they sent their own superhero, The Jade-Shade, after him.
This Jade-Shade was a vile techno-sorcerer, who resembled Death itself, who clouded Proma's vision with some sort of mysterious shroud....
No....his vision wasn't clouded...it was becoming clearer....
...the veil of self-deception fell away at last...
1993, David Peterson is assaulted in the showers of a YMCA.
Both physically, and sexually.
So that this would never happen again, he begins to lose weight, get in shape, and takes up weightlifting.
1997, it took David 4 years to lose and keep off the extra 200 pounds, but he reached his goal.
2000, David went beyond what he thought was possible with his training, and began winning bodybuilding competitions.
2003, 10 years to the day, David avenges himself upon his assailants.
They're never seen or heard from again.
2004, David decides it's not enough. Others must be protected from his fate, so he paints himself green, invents a cockamamie backstory involving radiation, dubs himself "The Prodigious Mass", (Proma for short) and continues fighting crime.
2012, The supplements and steroids are no longer enough, in an act of desperation, he illegally actually exposes himself to large-dose radiation with a disused cancer therapy machine from the 80's found by a bodybuilding friend in an abandoned hospital.
The machine had a glitch, and he received a hundred times the chosen dose.
2013, His mind rotting away, David/Proma kidnaps several people, naming them after people in his fantasies, and exposes them to the gamma machine in an attempt to make a "family".
Their hideous deaths, and his own culpability for same, are concealed from David in a haze of delusion.
Their bodies were hidden in an abandoned salt mine.
Police inspectors find the bodies, and call in backup.
May/June 2013, Jade-Shade arrives on the scene, and blinds David with a flash of green light.
In that moment, David begs "please...do it....kill me".
Jade-Shade gives him his wish.
He coats David's face with some sort of glue, and suffocates him.
Jade-Shade followed the cops through the salt mine, his Geiger counter switched on.
They showed him the bodies.
It was a gruesome and pathetic sight.
Blood and pus smeared everywhere.
The meat had fallen off the bone like a roast chicken.
The women, horribly violated, even in death.
The Geiger went crazy.
JS got the hell out of there.
Soon, they found the culprit.
With the Geiger, it was a snap.
It was a hideous squirming mass of grey scar tissue, and greenish pustules, that used to be a man.
One of its eyes was whitened like an egg yolk.
JS could barely see traces of the being that used to be "The Prodigious Mass", in it.
It bolted forward shouting "Proma Smash!!".
JS whipped out his green lasers (from Peerless Person) and shot it in the eyes.
For all the good shooting the already blind one would do, he figured "fuck it".
It stopped dead, writhed around, sputtering guttural curses, then...as if stricken by a strange realization, looked blindly in JS's general direction, cloudy tears dribbling out, and gurgled "please...do it....kill me".
Jade-Shade gave him his wish.
He threw the glue bomb from Phidey, coating the creature's face, and suffocated him.
It took an uncomfortable 5 minutes from start to finish.
There was a lot of thrashing.
One of the cops vomited.
JS went outside to reflect, while the meat wagon arrived.
"Hope they bring lead suits", he thought grimly, smirking behind the mask.
He thought of the old footage he saw of Proma, from his prime.
Cocky, strutting around in his stretch pants, and little booties, and his little pony tail, flexing his green painted muscles.
Kind of...reminded him of Phidey.
Same swagger-y energy.
"It was a mercy killing in both cases", he gloomed.
Speaking of killing...The Mayor had to know Proma was an irradiated carcass.
What if he hadn't demanded the Geiger counter, and had gotten into a direct hand to hand tussle with him/it?
"Sonovabitch tried to kill me...he's scared of me".
He then smiled wickedly "okay, fucker, be scared, I can totally use that".
Then, he reflected on how, he'd used up all of his vacation days on the Phidey trip.
For this one, he was certainly fired.
The life of his secret identity was destroyed either way.
Something more to despise The Mayor for.
As if such a thing was needed.
"I'm going to have to tell the cowardly little rat to go fuck himself in no uncertain terms next time I see him", JS resolved quite coldly.
But, this time, he was really in no hurry to get back home.
What was there to run to?
The next day, Dusty Irwin had his Jade-Shade gear and what travel items he needed packed up in a duffle bag, and started hitchhiking.
Okay, so here's the good news on "Crystal Lake Memories".
To accommodate all 12 movies (the main 10, and then FvsJ, and the remake), and give them the level of coverage that "Never Sleep Again", did, it's going to be 7 hours long.
There's going to be stop-motion buffers for the main intro, and each movie, like NSA, and the narrator is going to be Corey Feldman, and it's going to have absolutely everybody who isn't dead.
Including 3 years later re-updates on the FvsJ cast.
And, it's coming this summer.
August 27th, to be exact.
The bad news....
To cram this beast onto one disc, so that the main feature is un-interrupted, it's going to be Blu-Ray only.
If you follow me on Facebook, you've probably heard all this, and are sick of it. :P
The Girl Who Returned (1969)
Lloyd Kaufman's first film from Yale.
Boring, lousy, but...interesting....
In black & white, no audio, with narration dubbed over.
About an alternate future where there are only two countries left, Luxembourg, and Mongolia, the former, inhabited solely by women, the latter, by men.
Every year, they compete in an Olympic games for control of the world.
Set on this backdrop, the film's heroine rebels against her bitchy track instructor, and blowhard teachers, and runs off to Mongolia to try to re-unify the genders, and bring about "the new golden age".
Crap as a film, but if you dissect it, it's the subliminal mission statement for Troma.
You've got rebellion against the system, you've got girls exercising, and touching each other, you've got a dystopia obviously brought about by radical feminism, which Lloyd is on record as being no fan of, and sexual love as the highest goal.
Bam, there you go, there's Troma.
Anyhoo, this flick is an Easter-egg in "The Sexy Box", a boxed set of Troma's early films, and, I'm bouncing back and forth on whether to get it or not.
On Youtube, the ending cuts off.
Hope the DVD one is fixed.
Although, I doubt it would help much.
The Battle Of Love's Return (1971)
Well...better than "The Girl Who Returned", I'll give it that.
Lloyd actually stars in this one.
He plays a shlubby guy who shlubs around shlubbily, like the Little Tramp, and then the film switches to black & white, and characters are taken out of the reality of the main film, and are interviewed by Lloyd as a filmmaker instead of a character, and they spout philosophical bullshit.
Bullshit, because, they turn right around, and don't live up to it, when they cut back to color, and the universe of the main film, and tell Lloyd's character to go fuck off.
This goes on and on, until finally Lloyd bumps into an Army recruitment sign, teleports into the world of the sign, and is suddenly in 'Nam, gets shot, and teleports back to Jersey in a parking lot, as a corpse.
Helicopter shot pull back to a cityscape view of Jersey, the end.
Oliver Stone got his start in this one.
Seeds of "Platoon", perhaps?
Lloyd's father said his favorite part was "when Lloyd dies".
Can't be a coincidence he mostly hid behind the camera for the next 30 years.
Although, there's more Troma seeds here, the documentary cut-away thing is kind of the precursor to Lloyd's digital camcorder filming of the DVD bonus interviews and "All The Love You Cannes".
A poster for this can be seen in "Tromeo & Juliet".
This one is also an Easter-egg in "The Sexy box".
Big Gus, What's The Fuss? (1973)
A miserable piece of shit that Lloyd hates, and was mentioned both on the Toxie 1 DVD, and in "All The Love You Cannes".
A detective comedy filmed in Israel in Hebrew with English subtitles.
I only got 5 minutes into it, and couldn't stand it anymore.
This is also an Easter-Egg in "The Sexy Box".
So then Lloyd and Michael Herz invented Troma in 1974, (I've heard it stands for Tits R Our Main Attraction), then, Lloyd played a wino in Rocky in 1976, then Lloyd directed 4 pornos, dunno if they're hardcore or not, I heard they were artsy, but you can't acquire them now, then, the first actual Troma movie...
Squeeze Play! (1979)
Very goofy and corny.
But...revolutionary for its day.
Lloyd doesn't get any credit, but he invented the teen sex comedy.
R rated sex, and screwball funny, had never been combined in American cinema until this moment.
"Porkys", "Screwballs", "Revenge Of The Nerds", "Zapped", they all ripped these next 4 off.
And then "American Pie", ripped those off, and pretended they got it all from "Porkys".
Nuh-uh, all Uncle Lloydie.
Now, as lame as this one is in hindsight, I still like it better than "Porkys".
"Porkys", sucks. Fuck "Porkys".
The one Toxie seed I saw in this one, a heel named Bozo.
Except he was a big fat hairy guy instead of a weightlifting bully.
Anyway, the plot of this one, the guys of this small Jersey town (not yet Tromaville) are all wrapped up in playing softball, and the wives can't stand it, so they make their own team to fight with the guys.
Everyone comes together at the end.
Shades of "The Girl Who Returned".
Also, some blatant "Rocky", parody scenes.
A poster for this can be seen in "Tromeo & Juliet".
This is one of the main features in "The Sexy Box".
Better than "Squeeze Play", but still pretty corny.
Imagine a string of the Barth's Burgers skits from "You Can't Do That On Television", interspersed with boobies.
You can see seeds of "Poultrygeist", there in the grossout gags in the kitchen.
So, the plot revolves around the three separate but interconnected stories of three waitresses.
One, sent undercover to the restaurant to write an article for some women's rag-mag.
Another, the spoiled brat bad-girl daughter of the owner sent to work there as punishment.
She was kind of Paris Hilton meets Ryoko, and was my favorite.
The third, and probably the main character, was an aspiring actress obsessed with being cast as Joan Of Arc, who you see there on the poster in the armor on the horse.
In "Squeeze Play", the hints were there, but in this one, you really start to see Troma become itself.
Another Toxie seed, a nerd named Melvin is a secondary character.
Also a scene where a character is chased around in a baggy clown suit echoes a similar sequence in "Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD".
Calvert DeForest (a.k.a. Larry "Bud", Melman) makes a cameo.
A poster for this can be seen in "Tromeo & Juliet".
Also, it's one of the main features in "The Sexy Box".
Stuck On You! (1982)
Bigger in scope, and in terms of stuff going on, than "Waitress!", but, for some reason, I dig "Waitress!", better.
About a bickering couple who are breaking up, and are suing each other for palimony.
The judge (who turns out to be the angel, Gabriel) takes them into his chambers, and becomes their de-facto marriage counselor, and listens to their flashbacks of their relationship, and he compares it to some couple in history with similar troubles.
So, really, the whole divorce court thing becomes a framing device for these history vignettes, and it's a roundabout way for Lloyd to do his own "History Of The World Part 1".
There's a bit with chickens in the middle that's a seed for "Poultrygeist".
And, a gag with a chicken being ground up, and the machine spitting out processed fast foods was recycled in "Citizen Toxie".
It's got some mild chuckles, and it's got a syrupy lovey-dovey ending, but...think about it, if you remade this today with say, Steve Carrell, and Tina Fey, it'd be box-office boffo.
This kind of thing still sells.
Anyway, the title comes from a scene where the couple flashes back to an incident where they got high on pot, waxed philosophical, put on hippie body paint, accidentally mixed Super Glue with the paint, and got stuck to each other.
A poster for this can be seen in "Tromeo & Juliet", and a t-shirt with its logo can be seen in "Class Of Nuke 'Em High".
This is also one of the main features in "The Sexy Box".
The First Turn-On! (1983)
Probably my favorite of these 4.
If I give in, and get "The Sexy Box", it'll be for this, and "Waitress!", and the rest will be bonus features.
Still corny, but the closest one to the Toxie and beyond Tromaverse.
And, this one came just before Toxie.
Mark Torgl who plays Melvin in Toxie 1, and Evil Melvin in Toxie 4 shows up, and his performance is so weird and outrageous, I think Troma as we know it is truly born the minute he steps on camera.
The final Toxie seed in this one, is a nature film played by one of the head counselors is from a New Jersey toxic waste manufacturer.
So, you see the topic was on Lloyd's mind.
Anyway, the plot,..um, imagine a hornier "Meatballs".
Or..."American Pie Presents Band Camp", if it didn't suck.
It's a fun one.
Vincent D'Onofrio got his start in this.
The poster for this can be seen in "Tromeo & Juliet", and a t-shirt of its logo can be seen in "Terror Firmer".
Also, of course, it's the final feature in "The Sexy Box".
Then came Toxie, then "Class Of Nuke 'Em High", and then they were off and running.
Troma's War (1988)
Oh man, I'm sooo happy to re-discover this one!
I saw this way back when I was a teenager on basic cable, and it was censored all to hell, and therefore, boring.
Also, my dumb young mind wasn't ready for the politics.
But, seeing it now, uncut, oh man, this is the movie I've been looking for, and dreaming of!
If you ever wanted a lefty revolutionary antidote to Rambo 2-3, and/or "Red Dawn", this is for you.
This was deliberately made as a middle-finger to Reagan.
SO getting this on DVD.
I consider this, Toxie, and Nuke-em, "The Classic Trilogy".
They all came one after the other, they all interconnect through Tromaville, they all highlight a hellish facet of Reagan's America, they're all equally great, and they're just before...the bad years.
Also, (the actors that play) Bozo, Slug, and Mayor Belgoody are in Nuke-em, and Cigarface is in War.
So, yeah, I did it, I forced myself to watch it again for the first time in almost 20 years to see if it was as lame as I remember.
It's fucking WORSE!!
It takes 40 fucking minutes for the boring unfunny normal guy to turn into Kabukiman, then they piss away the middle 15-20 minutes with him as a clown instead of Kabukiman (see "Waitress!"), then, the big monster fight at the end is a stupid unfunny anti-climax.
And, everything that makes a flick Troma-y is de-nutted.
There's no edge.
The corners are sanded off.
There's no balls.
This ruined Troma for me.
I walked away from it for well...20 years.
I didn't lay eyes on a Troma flick until I re-bought the fucking Toxies.
(Well, okay, no, I saw Citizen Toxie back in like, '07 or so)
Thankfully, the fire in my heart is re-ignited.
Man, was I missing out.
This is what was missing from my life.
Not love, and fancy cars, fucking TROMA, man!
So...yeah, fuck you, Kabukiman.
Well, you got yours in "Citizen Toxie", so pppt!
Apparently, all longtime Troma fans (and Loyd) now look back on those years as "the dark times".
But, shit, the 90's were the dark times for everything.
Then, came "the rebirth", as everyone calls it.
"Tromeo And Juliet", "Terror Firmer", "Citizen Toxie", "Poultrygeist", and the upcoming "Return To Nuke 'Em High", which looks to be an apology the way "Citizen Toxie", was, and then Toxie 5.
Um, yeah, so that lays down the overall timeline....
I finally fucking saw it, and it's fucking wonderful!
Totally getting it on DVD.
Written and directed by Lloyd's brother, Charles.
He's a talented bastid. Wow.
So...yeah, imagine all the shit that sucks about "Friday The 13th", imagine the opposite, and here it is, it's this fucking movie.
This is the one you've dreamed of.
If you own the Friday series, take it out back, whole thing, burn it with lighter fluid, and replace it with "Mother's Day".
It kills the whole stupid lame-ass franchise in one stroke.
Good-guy women that don't suck, that have personalities, and back-stories, villains that are goofy, but not stupid goofy like "Last House On The Left", they're believably crazy like the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", and all the frustrating cliche horror movie bullshit that makes you yell at the screen, fucking antidoted.
And better kills, and more satisfying revenge.
I think it might even stack up with "I Spit On your Grave".
And you know how much I love that goddamned thing.
Yeah, that good.
When Troma is firing on all cylinders, they're the fucking CURE to fucking Hollywood drek.
Well....not as good as I remember it from childhood at all....
Even though it wasn't "ha ha", funny this go-around...it was strangely fascinating.
I miiight still get this on DVD for nostalgia's sake....
Another one written by Charlie Kaufman.
When Nature Calls (1985)
Another one from Charlie.
A collection of skits like "Kentucky Fried Movie".
This could easily stack up in a double feature with that one.
Got some cool celebrities too.
Gates McFadden just 2 years before she was Crusher on TNG.
Morey Amsterdam from "The Dick Van Dyke Show".
Freddie Blassie from wrestling.
And "Watergate celebrity", G. Gordon Liddy.
It's got a lot of corny bits, but...so does "Airplane", so does "Kentucky Fried Movie", so do a lot of fuckin' 80's flicks people have put up on a pedestal in their minds.
Despite a bunch of groaners, and forehead slappers, I liked this one.
I might just get this.
But, I kinda wanna support this one out of economic spite too.
See, that poster there, that's obviously a parody of "Gone With The Wind", right?
No big deal, right?
Fucking "Fletch Lives", got away with it fer chrissakes.
Well, fucking MGM threatened to sue Troma if they didn't change it.
Even though parody is fair use.
Troma couldn't afford the court costs, so they kowtowed, and rotated and flipped the bear and woman, and changed the sky to blue.
And that's what you get on the DVD.
And it's fuckin' ugly.
But, there's the fucking original, right there.
No harm to anybody.
Fuck you, MGM.
I happen to think "Gone With The Wind", is tedious overrated soap-opera bullshit, and you can cram it up your evil corporate asses.
Polish them apples.
Anyway, the poster for this can be seen in "Poultrygeist".
I won't say which one, in case MGM is actually sniffing around.
Combat Shock (1986)
The first one I'm aware of that Troma distributed, but someone else entirely made.
It's a good 'un.
I don't love it, but it is something special.
Plot wise...the song "Frankie Teardrop", dragged out into a movie.
Fuck, the character is even called Frankie.
So, if that's something you were looking for in life, a "Frankie Teardrop", movie, bam, there you go.
They Call Me Macho Woman (1989)
Ayep, same year as Toxie 2, and we're back into the dark years.
Couldn't watch it, saw the trailer, and it looked fucking miserable.
But, the poster for this is all over the place in "Terror Firmer".
Guess it has a cult.
A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell (1990)
Now doesn't that title just sound fucking great?
And, the opening 4 minutes promise a comedy branching off of the Tromavillian Lloyd-verse.
But, alas, from there on, it takes itself seriously, and is kinda dull, with hardly any dialog.
The stop-motion monsters are good though, but too far between.
Anyway, the title is a lie, there are no dinosaurs, the monsters are mutated animals, its landscape is lush, and far from a Hell, and the Barbarian isn't a nympho, much less a nymphoid, and...she's not much of a barbarian, come to think of it.
Her pits are shaved, her hair is clean, her teeth are straight and white, and, she's built like a yoga chick.
Nope, the title promises a flick ten times what is actually delivered.
Give it a miss.
...although...I hear the DVD has a funny commentary.
For me, it's not worth it, but it might be to you.
Fertilize The Blaspheming Bombshell (1990)
Another one with a great title.
Another one I couldn't bring myself to watch after seeing the miserable trailer.
But...I could SWEAR I saw it on "USA Up All Night", back in the day.
I can totally picture Gilbert Gottfried mouthing that title joyously.
Def By Temptation (1990)
All right, now, Troma is proud of this one, but, I think it sucks.
Just not my cup of tea for some reason.
Well...it's more Exorcist rehash shit.
The reason they're proud of it, is it's Sam Jackson's first movie.
Well, if it were me, I'd be blowing that trumpet too.
Anyhoo, the poster for this can be seen in "Tromeo & Juliet", and "Terror Firmer".
So, it's counted among their classics, I guess.
Wow, another one that didn't hold up to how I remembered.
Acting as bad as a bad high school play.
I couldn't get through it.
I peeked at the final fist fight though, and that's still fun, but...gawd, what insufferable crap to get there.
All The Love You Cannes (2002)
And, we're back to the renaissance age.
And, back to Uncle Lloydie.
But, this is split off, cuz it's a documentary.
It's fucking brilliant.
And a laugh riot.
As hard as I used to laugh at "Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters", I laughed at this.
I thought I'd lost that laugh.
Thank you, Uncle Lloydie.
Take your Michael Moore DVDs, and burn them next to the melted plastic that used to be your Jason DVDs. This is the only documentary you need.
I own "Class Of Nuke 'Em high", and "Tromeo & Juliet", and "Terror Firmer".
Short review, they're fucking wonderful.
Ran out to Bull Moose Music, and nabbed them days after the Toxie review, in fact.
And taking its sweet time arriving by Amazon is "Poultrygeist", and, I'm heroin craving for "Troma's War".
But, I'll review all of those next time, once the collection is all together.
Anyhoo, here's some left over non-Troma flicks I watched.
Alexandra's Project (2005)
So, "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome", was on TV, and it gets to the part where he finds that village of wild children, and he has a battle of wills with the teen girl who runs the show, and I thinks to myself, I thinks, "man, she was a hot little pistol, I wonder if she ever went anywhere".
So, I IMDB her up, and she's Helen Buday, and one of her flicks is this "Alexandra's Project", and, it's supposed to be this disturbing psychological horror.
So...well, you know me, that's right up my alley.
All right, plot, Alexandra is the wife, and her husband goes to work on his birthday, he comes home, Alexandra's gone, kids are gone, and Alexandra's left a tape for him to play...and it's got creepy shit on it.
Apparently, she's unhappy in the marriage.
Well....I thought it was a dud.
I was expecting a lot better.
The performances are great, but the writing is a bit in love with itself, and the plot is implausible, and the ending is really stupid.
My logic processor wouldn't shut up, it was constantly saying "yeah, but if she felt that way about it, why not just...", and "he's an asshole, but he doesn't deserve this drawn out bullshit".
And most of all "wah wah, what a drama queen".
Consider this entry a teensy followup to "That's IT?!!?!?".
Cuz, critics raved about this thing.
My expectations were raised.
I saw this at Shady Dave's flea market in the 90's, and aaaaalmost bought it.
Dunno why I didn't.
I kick myself.
Had it right in my hand.
Now that I've seen it, totally need to get it.
About a boy and his talking alien parasite that latches onto his neck, and gives him the ultimate high, in exchange for him finding people to murder, so the parasite can eat their brains.
The trip-out effects are experimental, and wild, and a real treat.
And the parasite, Aylmer, is a fucking hoot.
Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1973)
Okay, this one, I always saw on either the Nicelys shelves, or the Home Vision Video shelves, or at Shady Dave's, and...I never worked up the nerve to just grab the damned thing.
So, this was the last one I was curious about from the VHS days.
I've seen it now, and it's pretty schlocky.
Effects wise, anyway.
I recommend every horror fan drawing breath to see it at least once though, because I swear to you, this is the middle evolution between "Night Of The Living Dead", and "The Evil Dead".
It came out 5 years after NOTLD, and 8 years before ED.
The zombies are flesh eaters, like NOTLD, but they're animated by a magic spell from a book, like ED.
The protagonists are obnoxious college age kids, like ED, and they in-fight, like NOTLD.
They end up in a rickety cabin, like ED, and board it up, like NOTLD.
The resemblances go on and on.
Even shots are similar.
If Raimi didn't study this, I'll eat my hat.
The only thing that drags it down, really, is the terrible zombie makeup.
The characters are fun, the dialog is peppy, the gore is half-decent.
Just those damned makeups.
It's really worth a look.
It's as different from "The Evil Dead", as the 2013 remake is, so...yeah, if I were the maker of this, I'd be pissed I wasn't getting a slice.
I fucking FOUND it!
I've found everything.
I did it....
So, yeah, when "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers", came out, I told anyone who'd listen, that I'd seen it before, that it wasn't new.
No one believed it.
And when I told them there was a villain that said "Wheee! Whee! We're the bloody reptiles that go whee!", they thought I was nuts.
Well...be-fucking-hold, you incredulous bastards.
Skip to 3 minutes in to see the bloody reptiles that go "whee!".
And....that's every little thing.
Until the big Troma DVD reviews.
About a nuclear plant leaking this yellow gas, which mutates a busload of kids, so that they're evil, have black fingernails, have no blood, and have the power to burn you alive with their touch.
Hacking off their hands kills them, and when they die (emitting this disturbing howl), the fingernails turn back to normal.
Saw this when I was 5, and it scared the ever-living shit out of me, and gave me nightmares.
My memories faded, and I thought I'd dreamed the whole thing, and then it became one of those memories that completely vanishes, and every 5 years randomly pops up out of nowhere.
Anyhoo, what should happen to be on the Toxie 1 DVD, but the trailer for this.
Apparently, Troma has been buying up the rights to a bunch of old expired movies, and adding them to their catalog.
Turns out they also own "White "Zombie", and "The Devil Bat", so, they get a slice of those oldies movies sets.
Anyhoo, my jaw dropped when I saw that.
"Holy shit, it's REAL!! I didn't dream it!".
So, about a week or so after that, I noticed they had it on the official Troma Youtube channel, and I watched it yesterday, and...it holds up rather well as a tense little horror flick. I dug it.
I mean, yeah, you can see through the cheesey effects, and no way it would scare me like it did back then, but, taking into account the times, and the budget, not bad.
The bits that disturbed me as a kid where two key scenes.
One, an alien guy peels off his human face, and the mask is some kind of bio-tech, or something, because there are membranes and goo and shit inside.
That made me flat out puke as a kid.
Ran right to the bathroom with a mouthful of chunks
Then, another scene, they display this odd power to turn you into a lifeforce ball, and it's never revealed why they do this, but the transformation process involves you crushing up into an empty skin, and then shriveling away into this ball that has your voice.
Even though, the ball can turn back into you with just glowey animation.
Makes no sense.
Anyway, they do this to a little boy, and you see the legs shrivel, and there's crunching sounds, and the kid groans, and grunts, and gurgles in pain the whole way, then it happens to his face, but I never could make myself look at that point.
That haunted my fucking nightmares for a month.
Now, it totally looks like rubber, and it's silly.
And that's it, that's the good parts, the whole rest of the movie is boring as shit, and stupid as shit.
These asshole aliens allegedly managed to hide for 25 years, but then, all of a sudden, they're fucking morons, and keep doing weird shit to raise suspicion.
Like oh, ordering room service, ripping their bio-masks off, knowing fucking room service is coming, and then having to zap the room service guy.
Or, ball-ifying the hero's dog, even though the dog didn't do anything threatening, acting shifty about it, and when the hero just starts asking about if anyone's seen his dog...laser blasting his car and trying to kill him.
The whole flick is full of "WTF??", shit like that.
Except when it's boring.
Anyway, I've been trying to find this fucking thing for 30 fucking years, and finally I stumbled onto it on Youtube.
Eh, I liked that poster better, so changed it up for this one.
But hey, dig that cast, huh?
And that's those.
Hmm, yeah, they're all about in that 1983 window...
Even the '77 ones I saw at that time.
Interesting to hold it in front of me, and lock it down, instead of it just being melty swirly memories in my head crawling around.