Superhero Flicks, Part 10: Miscellaneous Marvels (Part 3, TV)

So, that last batch (part 1, part 2) finishes off the modern wave of Marvel goodies, now, we jump back to those bad old days, when Marvel was struggling.

When they couldn't get a Superman budget to save their lives, but their books were still outselling DC 3 to 1.
The bitter irony was lost on no one, especially the lads/lasses in the Marvel Bullpen.

Let's dive right in, with...


Howard The Duck

The film-

Dwarf in a duck costume, a pedophile that turns into a stop-motion scorpion monster, duck tits, giant foofy crimped hair on the female lead, and this song.

Yeah, that's...pretty much it.

 "What did I do to deserve this??".

*Crosses arms, and looks down nose sanctimoniously*
You know.
Don't you pretend.
You know what you did.

The history-

This had good fuckin' money thrown at it, I was excited as a kid, cuz...I thought it would immediately lead to more and better Marvel franchises.
Blade was what...12 fuckin' years later?
Spidey another 4.

Really, Hollywood?
16 fuckin' years in the penalty box, but you keep mindlessly throwing money at Michael Bay?
Brilliant.
*Sarcastic thumbs up*
Hollywood execs are exactly like that woman we all know that bawls that she wants a nice guy, then she hops on the bitch seat of the Harley of the first stinky, tatted, crank-head that roars into town.

Well....they did place what they thought was a safe bet on George fucking Lucas.
...and this didn't warn anyone about the prequels?
My, but we were all so young.

Anyway, HBO played the shit out of this.
Argh.


The Punisher (1989)

The film-

I haven't seen this in ages, I barely remember it.

I know he lived in the sewers like the Ninja Turtles.

I know his origin had already happened, and they covered it in flashback.
Or, was it just throwaway dialog?
Eh, somethin...

I remember the scene where he shredded a casino with two machine guns for what felt like 3 whole minutes.

Yeah...that's about it...

I couldn't let go of the fact he didn't have his chest skull.
No chest skull, no War Wagon, no Micro, origin was fiddled with, modus operandi was fiddled with, may as well have been a generic action movie.
The title was essentially a marketing ploy.

Um..anyway, this came out in the theater everywhere but the US, and Sweden, so, this was straight to VHS for us Yanks.

The history-

Rental, disappointment.


Captain America (1990)

The film-

Um....well, it was better than the 70's ones.
Kinda...

Yeah, Marvel films were pretty thoroughly established as a joke at this point.
No one ever thought they'd get out of the hole.
We'd given up.

Huh, maybe this is why Harry Knowles cried at Spider-Man?
Ehhh...no, you're still a big baby.
Ya baby.
Big fat baby-waby.
Dip your head in gravy.

The history-

Okay, so, somewhere in the 80's, "Secret Wars", comes out, and spawns a line of action figures.
I got a bunch of 'em, including Captain America.

Now, I don't know exactly what foggy memories puzzled together in my head to cause this, but I decided to give the Cap figure a Dudley Do-Right voice, and have him relentlessly exclaim "stop!! You evil fiiieeeend!!".

I found this endlessly hilarious, and I did it for years, even after I hung up the toys.
No one dug it, no one was on my creative vibe, everyone I knew, especially my own folks, hated my fucking humor, and this, among many other memes I created, were a source of raw seething misery to everyone around me, no one was the least bit nice about it,...and yet I continued undeterred.

Now, this shtick had juuuust died down...and what happens?

That's right, Cap the movie fucking comes out.

"STOP!! You evil fiiieeeend!!!".
The  bitch was back!!
*Maniacal cackle, diabolical finger twiddling*

I made the VHS box say it, I injected it onto conversations, I was like Jerry Seinfeld  with "hellooooo!".

And guess what?
This version of Cap was corny.
It validated everything.
There's a scene where he's strapped to a rocket, he sees a little boy, and veers the rocket away from him so it doesn't kill him, then, crashes, and is frozen in the arctic...then, later on, he meets the president, and the president was that boy, to which Cap exclaims "gee whiz, Mister President!".

*Crosses arms, smug nod*
Yup...yup....fuck you, whole planet Earth.
I win.
Neener.

Anyway, this flick was pretty lousy.
I much prefer the way the new Cap movie handled the corn, by having Cap do USO shows, and chafe at it, then go on a rescue mission, and win the respect of the troops, and become a serious hero.
It was kinda like Marvel was consciously scraping off those years of bad mojo.
Brava.
Bravisima.


The Fantastic Four (1994)

The film- 

Oh, wow, this one is a legend.

Never released, hilariously awful, a budget of 5 bucks, buried in a vault for ages, it was like "The Star Wars Holiday Special", something you only ever heard about, and always wanted to see.

Well, you can finally see this piece of dung on YouTube, and other streaming sites.
Get cracking on that if you want it, I ain't linking it.

I think Stan Lee in "Mutants,  Monsters, & Marvels", said it best about this "oh, I felt so bad...the actors really tried, they acted their hearts out".

Yeah, you kinda feel that, there's a vibe like the poor sonsofbitches think they're in something good.
Or, at least, that they're in a real movie, and not a cynical cold-blooded ploy to retain rights.

S'why I won't link it, I can munch popcorn through some truly horrible shit, but I flinch at genuine tragedy.

One thing, even a couple minute clip of this thing will make you appreciate the hell out of the '05 version.

The history-

Eh, the above covers it.


Okay, that's leftover theater bombs, and VHS wonders, now, we jump further back, to the made for TV stuff to fulfill the actual title.


Dr. Strange

The film-

Just look at the guy!
The porno hair, and stash, you go through the whole movie thinking he's nanoseconds from plunging into Ginger Lynn.

But...y'know, I got a kick out of it.
They really pushed the crap 70's tech and budget of the time really hard to try to depict the dreamy hallucinogenic trip-out world of the comics.

I applaud the effort. For what they had to work with, it was a good job.
I would have watched this show.

The history-

SyFy played it once...back then they were Sci-Fi.
This, 70's Cap, Bixby/Ferrigno Hulk, and the 70's Spideys.
Must have been to cash in on a good Marvel that was coming out in theaters.

Speaking of 70's Cap....


Captain America (1979)

The film-

It's hazy....I seem to recall some good stunts...the story is a butcher job though....

The history-

Okay, dig this, in the earlier 70's, before I was born, they had this thing called  "a party line", where like, you called into this big-ass conference call type deal to try to get dates.
It was the internet chatroom of its day.
My mother tried this thing out for a larf, and ran into this dude who went under the handle "Captain America".
She thought he was kind of obnoxious, and brushed him aside.
Couple more years later, she meets my dad, few more years later, they have me, and then, one time, it came out in a conversation, and I actually remember this, Ma finds out Dad was Captain America!
Ma lost her shit, and I thought he was Captain America for real for a few minutes.
Ah, good times.


Captain America II: Death Too Soon

The film-

Um, something about some aging virus or something.
Kinda remember it....

The history-

Okay, so, Captain America pops up in my life again.

Remember Mego dolls?
They had one of pretty much everything.
Here's Captain America.

I saw this at a toy store, and wanted it dearly.
Dunno why, I was usually a Hulk kid.
Think it was cuz I already had Hulk, and Spidey, and wanted more heroes to go with them.

Anyway, one time, a fake Santa (is there any other kind?) came to my nursery school, and had us do the whole lap thing, and I told "Santa", I wanted a Captain America, and the moron didn't know what the fuck that was, and gave me a really hard time about it, but, y'know, whatever.

(Fuckin' old wino)

But, I thought Santa was like birthday wishes, you're not supposed to tell anyone what you told him.
So, my folks never got the message, and I never got my fucking Captain America.
Ever.

I didn't connect the dots yet of Santa being fake, I just thought I must have fucked up somehow.
And all little kids fuck up somehow, so...I had a lurking sense of paranoia for awhile.
...and a lingering sense of Santa being a stupid vindictive old fuck.
Begrudging a harmless little kid a Captain America?
Not knowing what the fuck that even is?
What kind of shitty toy shop was he running?

Could you sic an Angry Bronze Age God on Santa?
Could you do that?
Could you go over his head?
Would there be brutal retaliation if you tried?
I decided to play it safe.
Life was hard enough without pitting the forces of the cosmos against each other.
Who did I think I was, John Constantine?


The Incredible Hulk (and sequels)

See here.


Generation X

The film-

Do the Dew!!
Extreeeeme!!

Ha ha, no....

I barely remember this...it's not on video, that above pic is some TV Guide clipping someone somewhere found.

I remember White Queen being one of the instructors, and I remember Matt Frewer being the villain, and gaining some sort of dream powers, and hamming it up like a ripoff of Freddy meets Jim Carrey.

The history-

N/A


Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. 

The film-

Hasselhoff, nuff said.

The history-

Ditto.


Blade: House of Cthon

The film-

Man...'06, the film franchises were getting on their feet, finally, and then it's like they were TRYING to ruin it with shit like this....

The history-

Spike...I think...


Ooof, there, that's those...up next...oh..um...how about we go back, and do DC's crap?


Read More......

Superhero Flicks, Part 9: Miscellaneous Marvels (Part 2)

Eh, last batch wasn't so hot, but these one are a smidge better...


The Punisher

The film-

Yeah, that's right, I'm not fucking around with sequence, I'm going right to the one I love.

I love this movie, I worship this movie, this is my "it's a wonderful life", I could play it all damned day.

And...I readily admit, it's not the greatest movie in the world, you might not even like it, but...it just fucking resonates for me.
There are just some fuckin' movies that are YOUR fuckin' movie, and this is mine.
It just totally works for me.

This, and Freddy vs. Jason made my 00's for me.
Anything after that, pure gravy.

I like this movie probably more than is healthy.
I don't fucking care.

The history-

From here...

Ohhh yeeahhh, got to see this at the theater, almost as jazzed leaving the theater as "Freddy Vs. Jason".
It got no props from hardly anyone.
Despite having Travolta, it's stayed a cult hit most people forgot.
And it even had a hit single off the soundtrack, Evanescence's "broken".
Fuckin' song charted, dammit.
Nope, no mainstream love for Punisher.
Ah, well.
Well, Punisher's comic is cult too, so, it's about right.

Punisher: War Zone

The film-

I dig it.
It ain't Tom Jane Punisher, but...it's entertaining.

Certainly fucking gorier.
This one plays more like an old issue of the black & white mature readers "Punisher's War Journal".
Totally different flavor than the Ennis books Jane Punisher was based around.

Both are valid.

The history-

Spike.


Fantastic Four

The film-

Okay, critics and fanboys fire-hosed piss onto this, but....what the fuck were people expecting?

Have any of you pretentious pricks READ the fucking books?

Especially the Lee/Kirby era shit?
This flick nailed it.
The FF are kinda fucking goofy, yeah.
That's the property you're fucking dealing with.
It ain't gonna be Nolan Batman.
Suck it up.

It is what it is, I like it.
I don't love it, but it's watchable on a rainy day.

I just wish this had segued into a movie version of "Hulk/Thing: The Big Change", now that demands to be a fucking film.
It'll never happen though...

The history-

FX.
FX has the moooveeez.


Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer

The film-

The FF aspect, ditto everything I said about 1.

And...unless/until a reboot/remake/spinoff comes along, this is the de-facto Silver Surfer flick.

Could he be represented better?
Oh, hell yeah.
But...he's a c-string character in the Marvel pecking order, he's lucky to have gotten a fucking flick.

If I were an avid Surfer fan, I'd probably be outraged.
As it is, I got a couple books with him in it, he's kinda neat, his power levels seem to fluctuate wildly, so....this film doesn't really fuck that up, now does it?

Yeah, I'll pass it with a C minus as a SS flick, and give it a B as a FF flick.

As an overall hero flick?
Oh, man....there ARE much worse.
Ones that give me physical pain.
I'd watch this over any of those.
Yeah, a C.
Third tier after the artistic masterpieces, and cult/nostalgia faves.

But..this one ain't too far away age wise from being in that latter family...

I'm trying to imagine if this had come out in the 80's...
I'd probably love the fucking thing alongside Superman, wouldn't I?

Okay, Superman 3.
The FF duology is Superman 3 good.
Yeah, B minus then.

The history-

Ditto FF 1.


Ghost Rider

The film-

Well, virtually the same speech as FF with less in the results department.

Sorry kiddies, Ghost Rider is kind of a lame book, a lame movie is what you get.
Hate to break your little hearts, but um, yeah.
There's that.

Sorry, he was the Spawn of his day.

A high D, because much worse deserve F, but...yeah....it is what it is.

Well....Craig Ferguson loved it.
And his love of this flick inspired the creation of Geoffry Peterson.
So...there, that's something....

The History-

FX/TNT/TBS..one of those...

I...was a Ghost Rider fan as a little kid.
It's allowed, kids are dumb.

It was actually a subversive act to be into GR back then too.

Ma was on her holy roller trip back then, and things with demons in it were forbidden, and a shitload of my old issues ended up in the fucking trash.

I totally blame the brainwashers, fuck you, you constipated wackaloon Mormon pieces of shit.

Hmm, I probably should've savored this one the way I savored Ang Lee Hulk...but...I dunno....maybe it needs another viewing now...

See? More reclaimed memory/identity, even more glad I'm writing all this shit now.


Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

The film-

Coming soon.

Fuck, given what I've just remembered, maybe I should be there at the Cineplex opening fucking day.


Up next...oh....I dunno...how about crap TV movies?

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Superhero Flicks, Part 8: Miscellaneous Marvels

So, with the X-Men, that takes care of all the big dogs, now, as I did with DC, time to sweep up the stragglers.

Like with the DC one, there are twelve of these....but, I think I'll have more to say about 'em, so I'm cutting it in half.


Man Thing

The film-

Fitting I kick it off with this one, since I started the other one off with Swamp Thing.

Sadly, haven't seen it.
But, it was shat out by SyFy, so, pardon my skepticism of its quality.

I will take this entry as the opportunity to note that Swamp Thing apparently ripped off Man-Thing.
Fans have loooong thought so.

It's interesting to note that 1.) whether deliberately, or just as a side-effect, Alan Moore wiped those concerns away, by essentially gradually turning Swamp Thing into a whole other character.

(In the end, he was sort of a green Dr. Manhattan, and...I always took the issue "my blue heaven", as a glimpse of what probably happened to Dr. Manhattan after he left the Earth for the last time)

And 2.) skimming Wikipedia, apparently, the film gives Man-Thing plant elemental powers, thus undoing Moore's revision out of the "ripoff", trap by ripping off Swamp Thing.
D'oh!

The history-

N/A
Was never a Man-Thing fan; woulda been hard to be so, he/it was either buried in anthology books, or books with short spotty runs.
It was hard enough chasing down Swamp Thing back issues across two states back in the day.


Blade

The film-

From here...

First one wasn't bad.
This began the upward trend of Marvel properties at last.

..huh, thought I had more to say...

Yeah, it was pretty good.
Kinda Vampire Hunter D meets Punisher, but..not as good as either of those, but still okay...significantly better than the Underworlds.
Yeah, let's go with that...

The history-

*Shrug* Spike Channel


Blade II

The Film-

Um...*strains to remember*....*has to go check Wiki*....oh, right, the Reaper virus, the flower-mouths.

Eh...*wavey hand*

It had a neat cast....Ron Perlman was there....

The history-

Spike again.


Blade Trinity

The film-

Uhhh....*checks wiki again*....I...remember flickering bits of this...I must have hated it, and gave up.

I'll round it off to "stinky winky".

The history-

Probably Spike, or TNT, or somethin.


Daredevil

The film-

Pretty good, actually.
For what it is.

Like I said in the Hulk review, not a big Daredevil nut, and I'm also not a big Ben Ass-fleck fan either.

Expected to eye-roll my way through this, but, um, it was good.
And if it can make a non-fan like me sit still, and be entertained for an hour and a half, then, I guess it's a good Daredevil flick.

Oh, it's not the greatest superhero flick, or even up in my top 20, but...I don't see where it deserved some of the shit it got from critics.

If I had the money to be an anal-retentive completist, I'd have no problem with this in my collection.
*Shrug*

The history-

Kinda avoided it, then, it finally came to FX, and I was like "ohhh...all right...".


Elektra

The film-

Stinky winky.

Got 15 minutes in (including commercials) and bailed.

The history-

FX, or TBS, or somethin....I have a reflexive sensation of it being up in that area of my mental representation of the channel-band.


Okay, there's that batch.
Hopefully, more to say on the next batch.

Up next, leftovers, part 2.

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Superhero Flicks, Part 7: The X-Men

Well, there, that's The Avengers, that chews through a good chunk of the Marvel flicks.
These next ones almost finish it off.

The X-Men...

Oh..heck..let's try to get these in chronological order too....


X-Men: First Class

The film-

Easily the best of this lot, and...I've had more time to think it over, and it edges out Captain America by a nose hair for best summer movie of 2011.

So, glad that's decided, now I don't have to do the rest of this review.

*Packs up, and starts to leave*

What, I do?
Aaaww!!
Humpf!

The history-

N/A


X-Men Origins: Wolverine

The film-

From here...

Ignore X Men 3, it never happened.
The trilogy is this one, and X1 & X2.

Yeah, it's better than 3, but...what does that mean, y'know?
What does anything mean?
What if we're all dead?

The history-

Even though this one flashes back to way before "First Class", the main action happens shortly before X-Men, so, I'm counting that, and everything else as mere memory flashback, and not physical time.
It's easier, trust me.

Course, Hyla would say to just "fuck it", and my impulse is to agree, but...I've included far worse in these, why get exclusive now?


X-Men

The film-

From here again...

And Marvel flicks officially got good here.
Then Spiderman, and the snowball was rolling.

The history-

The only one I own...and on VHS...it was the waning years...what can I say?


X2: X-Men United

The film-

From here yet again....
(Boy, I'm glad I wrote these)

The series was still good at this point.
"XMen: The Last Stand", blew goats though.
I refuse to count it.
Or, give it it's own entry.
And I did one for T3, so that's saying something.

Yep, and then Singer scampered off to do Superman.

History-

Saw this one at the theater.
I believe the alternative was "Bruce Almighty".
Yeah, I made the right call.


X-Men: The Last Stand

The film-

(See the X2 review)

The history-

(See above)


Yes, the current Marvel era of dominance has been bountiful, but...I picked the categories right, and there's only two to go now.

Up next, the leftovers


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Superhero Flicks, Part 6: The Avengers

So, there, Supes, Bats, Spidey, Hulk, that's the corporate big guns, now for this blessed team thingy Marvel has been building up to since the 00's.

The Avengers!

Eh, let's try and put these in chronological order for fun...after all, they've essentially dared us to...


Captain America: The First Avenger

The film-

Well, that one's easy, isn't it?
The title, and the WWII setting put this first.

Yeah, this one was pretty fucking good.
Looks great, characters you empathize for, moves along a good clip, thrills, chills, laughs, throat lumps, what more can one ask for?

The critics and boards were right, this and X-Men First Class were the best of the summer superhero batch.
Hmm...hard deciding which is better...
Need more time to let them settle in my mind.

Oh, and for continuity porn, loved the Howard Stark character being in there.
Almost like having a parallel version of Tony interacting with Cap already.

The history-

Eh...N/A


Iron Man

The film-

From here...

Hmm, hard to measure it up against "The Dark Knight", because they're such different animals, but this one really knocked it out of the ballpark for Marvel.
One step up from even "spiderman 2", IMHO.
It's given all Marvel flicks since then something to shoot for.

The history-

Saw this one TWICE at the theater, cuz I missed the Nick Fury bit at the end the first time.

Looove this flick, it re-addicted me to Black Sabbath's "Iron Man".


Iron Man 2

The film-

From here...

Another solid Marvel flick.
Pretty solid sequel.
Everything we liked about the first one, plus some new goodies.
New tech, new villains, new good guys, and new "Avengers", easter eggs.
And, if you watch it back to back with the first one, it bleeds together nicely as one big movie.
Sadly, Jon Favreau won't be back for part 3.

Also, older Howard Stark crosses this back over to Captain America.
And, the Thor hammer, and Tony Stark is looking at news footage from The Incredible Hulk on one of his holo-screens at the very end when he talks to Nick Fury again.

The history-

Dammit, missed this one at the theater somehow.

D'oh, yeah, that was gout summer, which lead right into the year of hell.
Fuck.
Well, got it on DVD now.


Thor

The film-

Another one I dug.
About on par with the Iron Mans.
Iron Man meets Conan.
From space.
Good stuff.

Featured the Foo Fighters song from this, so, I must've liked it.

Okay, continuity, the magic cube from Captain America shows up, and Loki pops up in a reflection, so..this one leads riiiight into Avengers.

The history-

N/A


The Incredible Hulk

The film-

See here.

Continuity...okay, as mentioned, Tony Stark is watching the news from Hulk at the end of Iron Man 2, so, the events of Hulk are well under way at the end of that one, but, the hammer from Thor leads right into Thor, so, the rest of Hulk goes on alongside Thor, then, Tony Stark pops up at the end of Hulk, connecting this directly to Iron Man 2.

Hmm, okay, if Thor & Hulk are roughly alongside each other, then you gotta dig into the films themselves...and..both Thor & Hulk seem to happen over the same couple of days...

...but, the Tony cameo, and the Bruce Banner meditation/control scene, seem to happen some days/weeks later, so...Hulk ends further out  in time, so, I'm putting Hulk last.

The history-

DVD.


The Avengers

The film-

Coming next summer.

The trailer.

Boom.




Update: Hey, it's me from next summer, here's the review for the Avengers flick!


There, that's that chunk of Marvel stuff, up next, The X-Men


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Superhero Flicks, Part 5: The Hulk

Superman & Batman, Spider-Man & Hulk, Kermit & Fozzy, peanut butter & jelly....


The Incredible Hulk (1977)

The film-

The pilot movie to the TV series.
Man, what a great show this was.
Bill Bixby was fuckin' awesome.
I took him for granted, but when you look back...y'know?
He brought sincerity and verisimilitude to that role, and deflated a lot of the potential silly.
Cool actor.

The history-

Well, first, from here...

Well, I have some fuzzy memories of being in a crib, and a playpen, but my first clear memories start at two, with receiving my first Star Wars action figures.
A bunch of other stuff happened, I'm sure, but the next clear memory that's left is of Dad handing me my first comic, Batman issue 307.
My next memory, and where my memory record finally gets perfectly clear, is of the Bill Bixby/Lou Ferrigno Incredible Hulk series.
Then bam, next comes Superman The Movie.
That's it, no going back, geekdom had taken hold. :)

So, there you go, Hulk is literally my first clear memory. :)

Then, of course, this story happened when I was 5...(Raunchy Hulk)..and full-circled to today.

Oh, right, got an autograph from Lou Ferrigno one time at Scarborough Downs.
He signed it "Hulk".
Still got that on my wall here.


The Incredible Hulk Returns

The film-

"The one with Thor", to most people, so, I'll go with it.
It's the one with Thor.

Loved it, retroactively one of the best episodes of the show.
Possibly the best...but...the two parter where he marries Marriette Hartley, and the one where he runs into an evil old man Hulk were both pretty damned good too.

Wish they'd done more of these, with more Marvel heroes..but...it wasn't to be... :(

The history-

Oh, I was just apeshit when this came on TV.
I still dig it.
I had this recorded on VHS, but I'm pretty sure it degraded, I gotta upgrade this to DVD.


The Trial of The Incredible Hulk

The film-

The one with Daredevil.

This was the first onscreen live-action Daredevil I believe...yup.

Ehhh...not a big Daredevil nut.
And the costume on this guy was weak.
What? No red?
Just a black ninja pajamas getup?
Meh.

The history-

Okay, I deliberately don't remember much of this one, it wasn't that hot, but..there's one scene that burnt into my memory...

And, matter of fact, it's the exact scene depicted on that VHS box up there.

Banner has a dream he's in court being grilled on the stand, and I can't remember what they ask him, I think asking him to account for the time during which he was having a Hulk-out, and..well, it plays out kinda like this...

Murdock- Answer the question, David!

Chick attorney- Why won't you answer the question?

Judge- (barked out in drill sergeant voice) YOUMUSTANSWERTHEQUESTIOOON!!!

Now, loop that about a minimum of 5 times, like "help me Smee", and you get the effect.

Gives me a chuckle for some reason.

Anyway, that loop drives Banner batty, and he Hulks out in the dream, which makes him wake up, and Hulk out in real life.

That's my favorite Hulk-out ever.

But, it's the only bit I remember, so, the rest must've stunk.

Oh, yeah, that's right, there was actually more Daredevil bullshit in this than Hulk, he was actually the guest star in his own movie.
I always got the sense this was an attempted Daredevil spinoff pilot.
...didn't work.


The Death of The Incredible Hulk

The film-

Um...lessee...no guest-star superheroes, Banner pretends to be a janitor, befriends an old man scientist, and his wife,  they try to make a cure for him, some b-plot with Banner falling for and banging a lady spy, possibly Russian, Hulk falls off a helicopter, leaves a crater, turns to Banner, dies.

The finer details are hazy...

But, yeah, for whatever reason, Bixby killed off TV Hulk.
I wished he had found the cure, and walked off into the sunset one last time happy.
Ah, well.
Maybe Bixby wanted to avoid a shitty remake within that continuity.
Kinda like how when Robert Crumb ice-picked Fritz The Cat...
I dunno.

Anyway, Bill Bixby died of cancer not a couple years after this, and he knew he was sick then..so...there weren't going to be anymore anyway.
*Sad sigh*

The history-

So, yeah, by the time this one rolled around, I was old enough not to be heartbroken, after all, I still had Hulk in the comic books, but, I just resigned myself to the (then assumed) fact Hulk was pretty much done in the live-action medium, and warmly reflected on what a great ride it had all been.


Hulk

The film-

From here...

Fuck you, I like the Ang Lee Hulk.
Spidey was good, but I was a Hulk kid growing up, so, this fullfilled the kid in me far better than Star Wars prequels.
Yeah, I'm slamming the prequels a fucking lot, but...come on, 16 fucking years, dreaming of it since childhood, and then...that?!?!
But, Hulk didn't let me down.
It tapped into everything that made the comic great in the 80's/90's which was my span of collecting the series.
And Nick Nolte plays great crazy in this.
I dug him in "Jefferson In Paris", too.
Well, he's done a lot of good shit, I'm a fan.
And, the Velvet Revolver song kicked too.

The history-

The above covers it well enough.


The Incredible Hulk (2008)

The film-

From here again....

A little bit thinner, y'know, less meatier, than the first one, but I enjoyed it.
Would have been a typical issue of the comic book from when I was a small kid.
Or, an episode of the old show.
Each Hulk flick covers different strengths of different eras of the books, I enjoy both.
This one had more monster action, for sure.
Some goofball critic said this was "as good as Iron Man", eh...apples and oranges.
I do dig the Robert Downey cameo, indeed all the other easter eggs in the other Marvel flicks leading up to "The Avengers".
That's been a blast to see unfold.
Why, its been more enjoyable than looking forward to..well...Star Wars prequels.

The history-

Ditto the last one...


So, that's Marvel's big two, up next, The Avengers!

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Superhero Flicks, Part 4: Spider-Man

All right, so, after sopping up the leftover DC gravy, we're on to the Marvels now.

So, if we started with Supes for DC, then, we gotta go with Marvel's banner character (as determined by the companies themselves by crossover) Spidey.


The Amazing Spider-Man (1977)

The film-

The pilot for the short-lived TV series.

Starring Nicholas Hammond, who was one of the Von Trapp kids in "The Sound Of Music".

The history-

I don't remember very much of this.

I remember the craptacular 70's TV effects.
Like, the reverse-film trick for the web shooting.
And, the bulky-ass web shooters.
And the hand-colored film frame flashing eyes effect for the Spidey-sense.

Burnt into my memory was the porno-guitar wall-crawling theme that went "bwow, bwow, bwow, bwow, bwow, bwa-bwadoowww!! (repeats) Bwow, bwow, bwow, bwow, bwow, bwa-bwadoowww!!".

I even incorporated it into my action figure play.

I remember they reran these on USA Network for a helluva while.
I loved 'em as a kid.
I didn't care how cheesey it was, anything with a Marvel/DC hero, I was there.


Spider-Man

The film-

Decent, but in hindsight, 2 blows it away.
It's a first issue movie.

The history-

I dug it okay, but I remember Harry Knowles saying he went to the bathroom and cried after seeing it.
...crying?
Fuckin' come on, man.

"Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark", now that, you can cry about.
Cry, and puke.
And pee a little.


Spider-Man 2

The film-

One of the all time great superhero movies, I'd put it up there with Superman 2.
Pretty goddamned good.

The history-

You gotta cry with joy at one, Harry, do it here.
Christ.
Someone married that fuckin' trout, can you believe that shit?
What an awful planet this is.
Just awful.


Spider-Man 3

The film-

From here...

Eh, everyone holds their nose, and gags at this one, but, I think it's okay.
Not the masterpiece that 2 was...but that was pretty damned hard to top.
But, if this was an issue of the comic, it'd pass muster.
Well, we'll see what the upcoming reboot flick is like...maybe everyone will end up longing for 3 in hindsight...

Yeah, I guess I stand by that.
It's the least good one.

The history-

Caught this one on DVD.
Only one I missed at the theater.


The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

The film-

Tch, fuckin' remakes....

Come ON!
The turnaround for these should be more than 10 fuggin' years from the first one.

Otherwise, you'd be remaking the original Star Wars trilogy....FOREVER.

Oh, wait, George essentially is, what with all the tweaking...
Fuckenassole.

Anyway, have you seen the on-set pics of the new suit?

Am I the only one who saw those eye-pieces, and immediately thought..."bwow, bwow, bwow, bwow, bwow, bwa-bwadoowww!! (repeats) Bwow, bwow, bwow, bwow, bwow, bwa-bwadoowww!!"?

Eh?


Well, there, that went quick....

Up next, Hulk smash!!


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Superhero Flicks, Part 3: Miscellaneous DCs.

Superman, Batman...and the rest, here on Gilligan's Isle.

Yeah, looking at these...Warners/DC had a helluva head start on Marvel with Donner-Supes, and Burton-Bats, and for a helluva while....but after those, their batting average has been pretty sloppy, and Marvel has more than caught up.
But, I'll deal with Marvel later...let's look at this spotty DC report card...


Swamp Thing

This overlapped with horror, so, the whole review can be read here.

The short and sweet of it, I loved it.
It's a cult classic, though.


Supergirl

The film-

The side-sequel to the Supermans.

For the longest time, I was kinda begrudgingly willing to call this "Superman 4", until "Quest For Peace", came along, then I was all like, "Yay! Real Superman 4!!".

*Sad comedy trumpet* wah-waaahhh.

As for the film?
Ehhhh......
It's heart was in the right place....but so was "quest for peace".

I hear this is up on the block for a remake/reboot.
But, isn't fucking everything?

The history-

My faint memories of it were pretty goofy, I haven't seen it since the 80's.

I do know I liked "quest..", better, back when I was young, and dumb, and liked it, so, that says something.

This was lamer than "quest"?

Owch.

I do remember this one went more into how The Phantom Zone worked, and what it looked like.

That was kinda neat.

I thought...but, again, I gotta see this again...

The Return Of Swamp Thing

The film-

Swampy-1 had some elements of humor, but they went full-on campy humor for this one.

I...go back and forth on this one.

Sometimes, I can go along with the camp, sometimes, it's an eye-roller.

All right, most times.

It's damned near a Troma movie.

Although, I haven't seen it in a helluva while...

Shit, not all through the 00's..that flew by...

The history-

Saw this the first time as a rental with Steve, and he knew we were in trouble when "born on the bayou", fired up for the theme song, he groaned out loud "ohh noo..it's a COMEDY sequel...".

I was like "gee whiz, give it a chance!".

*Steps inside own memory, and smacks self*

Steel

The film-

So....imagine War Machine from "Iron Man 2", take away his guns, give him a sledge hammer, cast him as Shaq, and make the film for a budget of thousands, and...yeah...

I haven't actually seen this, but the Youtube clips have been enough to ward me off.

"Ninja Turtles III: Turtles In Time", level bad.

This quite possibly killed superhero movies for the rest of the 90's, up to the 00's.

Nah, it did.

The history-

N/A

Catwoman

The film-

Another piece of crap.

Dumb guys were like "duhr, but you get to see Halle Berry slink around in a skimpy revealing outfit!".

Really? You're gonna reward Warners with ticket money for that?
You're that sexually constipated?
You DO know, you can ogle Halle in various states of undress for absolutely free with a Google Image search, right?
You don't have to suffer the anguish of a terrible movie just to get a weak shame-filled semi-chubby.
There's this thing called the internet, it's a handy new thing from scientists.
It's like living in space.
Check it out sometime.

The history-

Cable. Curiosity.
Worse than I imagined.


The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen

The Film-

Asscrap.

The history-

I read the books, they were good.
I saw the film, it wasn't.


Constantine

The film-

I was skeptical of an American brunette Constantine.
Even more skeptical still, once he was casted as Keanu.

I was right to be skeptical.

The history-

See Catwoman.


V for Vendetta

The film-

Well done for what it is, haven't seen the book for comparison.
It's an Alan Moore adaptation, so I can only assume it got butchered.

I can only rate the film on its own merits, and...it depressed the fuck out of me.

The tyrants will always keep shit-bubbling up from humanity, the cycle repeats again, and again, and again, America is gonna become a Nazi state, we're all gonna get tortured, I'm going to be murdered in the night like Stephen Fry's character for my subversive blog opinions, it's all gonna happen, nothing can stop it, and V blowing the bastards up at the end is small consolation, because it's just all gonna happen again, and again, and good people are going to keep being lambs for the slaughter.
Forever.
And ever and ever.

That was my take away from the piece.
Blood freezing, bone frosting, despair.
Wave after stifling pulsing wave of it.
Every time I see this thing, the ground turns to neutronium, and I'm flattened into a pancake for weeks.
I feel cold inside just talking about it.

Radical lefties, and hackers, apparently, find thrilling excitement and encouragement in there somewhere, cuz they use the V mask as a symbol.
They're clearly seeing something I'm not.
Or, they're stupid.
One of those.
Who knows?

Anyway, unlike fucking crybaby Ebert (see my Henry review), I won't piss on a film for saying things that don't make me happy.
It's a good job.
Thumbs up.

The history-

Cable. Curiosity. Wasn't disappointed.


The Spirit

The film-

Clutch your face in embarrassment bad.
Miller is off his rocker.
Sad.

The history-

Saw it on HD Showtime in HD 1080p LCD goodness.
As good as seeing it at the theater.
Didn't help.


Watchmen

The film-


From here...

Best thing made by human beings.
Oh, okay, thats the book, but this is close.

Yup.
This redeems this whole fucking entry.

The history-

Saw it at the theater.
Hard nailing down which was more fan-gasm-tastic, this, or "Dark Knight".

The trailer got me violently addicted to this song.
Muse- Take A Bow.


Jonah Hex

The film-

Haven't seen it, haven't heard a good thing about it, heard it unfavorably compared to some of the shitty films on this list, I'll give it a miss.

The history-

N/A


Green Lantern

The film-

From here...

Haven't seen it yet.
Critics and friends say it's not as good as "X-Men First Class", or even "Thor", but it's a decent summer flick.
Only "Captain America", to go...
This 10 or so years run of superhero flicks is destined to burn out someday, but it's been a great fucking run, and it'll be long remembered. :)

Still applies, Captain America has come out, and turned out to be the best of the batch of summer 2011, next to "X-Men First Class".

All three are at Redbox now, gotta check 'em out.

The history-

N/A


So...one cult classic (Swampy), one decent film-film (V for Vendetta), one true masterpiece (Watchmen), and one passable popcorn-flick (Green Lantern) amongst...a buncha crap.

4 out of 12, not so good, Warners...not so good...

Up next, ...I guess, Marvel...howabout..Spidey!

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