Movie rules (text version)

Just putting the word out, and many of you will definatly agree with me.
When I go to the theater, I simply will not put up with...


1.)Talking.
Shut up.
Shut the hell up.
Shut the miserable seething hell up.
Shut up!
And no little loopholes like "eeww, talking right up to the movie is okay".
NO!!
Shut up!

2.)Laughing for seemingly no goddamn reason at unfunny parts!
Particularly that stupid dumbass pothead laugh, the one that goes on and on and on.
Or worse yet, the dumbass laugh with a touch of arrogant sarcasm that says "eeew, I'm so ABOVE this movie".
I don't care how kitschy or campy or "oh so sad", you think the world around you is, shut the holy hell up.
I'm NOT going to pay $15 dollars to hear your little girlish titters.
Save it for the walk to the car, and/or leave it at home.
Shut up, shut up, DEAR GOD why can't you SHUT UP!?!?

3.)This relates to the first two, Commentary.
This ISN'T your LIVING ROOM.
You ARE NOT MST3K.
You NEVER WILL BE MST3K.
You ARE NOT FUNNY.
Mike Nelson and friends pulled in big paychecks, and got to be on the TV, because they simply ARE FUNNIER THAN ANYTHING YOU COULD EVER COME UP WITH IN YOUR WHOLE STINKING FETID MISERABLE LITTLE MALL WALKING LIVES SO DON'T EVEN TRY!!!
As above, shut up.
Just shut the hell up.
Please sweet dancing MOSES shut up.

4.)Kicking seats, throwing candy, throwing ANYTHING, generally any horsing around of any kind.
Don't do this.
Just don't do this.
It's not worth the risk.
It's just not safe, if you take my meaning.
Do you want to die??
Do you WANT to DIE??
Do you REALLY WANT TO DIE???
Keep that question spinning through your tiny brain-pan at all times.
Because that's just exactly where you're headed.
Sooner or later, you'll end up behind a ready to snap, ticking time-bomb like oh, say, Krazyfool who will KILL YOU.
PHYSICALLY.
KILL YOU.
DEAD.
DEATH.
Life ends. Never come back. Dead.
No more McDonald's. No more CDs.
No more cuddling your kitty cat.
All the fun stuff that entails being alive?
Over.
Grasp that?
Dead.
You WILL be KILLED.
Sit down, face forward, and shut up.
Then, and only then, do you get to go home and eat your mother's cooking.
Okay? Good.
Glad we understand each other.

5.)Necking.
Yeah, I can hear the murmers of dissent now.
Too bad.
Just too bad.
Get a goddam room.
None of you neckers can seem to do this quietly and decently.
And why do you numbnuts have to find the most giggling ticklish girlfriends on the planet first before taking her out??
Just to piss me off???
For reference to the giggling issue, see number 3 above.
And when I tell you to SHHH, it'll save so much trouble for all involved if you just SHHH.
I'm not gonna cave in on this issue.
SHHHH!!
Girls, don't get indignant, like "how DARE HE?!?!", and covertly body language ask your boyfriend to threaten to kick my ass.
Guys, don't listen to your girlfriend, don't be a hero, she's an idiot, that's how you got her here. For how the being the hero thing will end up, see number 4.
Don't think I can take you?
Try me.
I'll beat your girlfriend too.
Then how bad will you feel?
Damn right, I don't care.
Don't test this and have the nerve to be surprised.

Follow these simple rules, and everyone will have an enjoyable theater going experience!

Be sure to get some Jelly-Bellys at the snack counter!

See you at the movies!!


(Audio version of this rant available)