Thursday, July 9, 2009

Little Red Cars. (text version)

Little red cars and the people who drive them.

I've let this one sit and wallow in my head for about a couple years now.
I've just got to sit down and dictate it now.

Well, times have changed since I've made these observations, so I'll start with the old version and add the updated revisions at the end.

Little red car people.

If three words sum up what I loathe about my fellow man, it's the above sentence.
I've collected much data on this subject in the years I've had a license.

I know what I'm talking about on great authority when it comes to this subject.

Not all little red car people are assholes, but all assholes are little red car people.

Before I proceed further, allow me to elaborate.

Little red car people are quite simply and literally those people who own a red small to mid-sized sports sedan.

The ones I single out in this rant are the despicable breed of bad drivers that make life miserable for everyone else.

For I reiterate, all assholes are little red car people.

The one thing I will grant little red car people is that they for the most part don't get homicidal road rage.

I have to take that point right away though, because little red car people CAUSE the road rage.

This country is in the violent grip of the little red car mentality.

Everyone just has to have a pretty car, and for some reason, the preferred color is red.

Probably because the car salesmen and the media tell you red it's the preferred color.

The little red car people are especially susceptible to this horseshit.
Because y'see before one even owns a little red car, one is already a little red car person.

It is their destiny.
A little red car is waiting for them like a puppy at a kennel awaits it's adoptive master.


It's a fun little game to play when you're driving, spotting little red car people.
Even more fun if you're a passenger.
You can keep your eye on the other cars better.

Every asshole who passes you at an intersection on the right just to gain 3 car lengths ahead of you before the lane narrows away so he can be in front of you all the way home.

Little red car.

The putz who pulls out of a side road in front of you forcing you to slam on the brakes.

Little red car.

The jackoff who wants to drag race with you at a stoplight when your grandma is in the car and a cop is hiding at the next intersection.

Little red car.

The knobbler who gets up your tailpipe at night with his brights on because you won't go 75 in a 45 zone.

Little red car!

The stunted chucklehead who passes you on a hill without being able to see traffic coming up over the hill because he's in SUCH a goddamn hurry to fuck his girlfriend (notice these dicks never get the head on collision they so richly deserve? What's up with THAT God?).

Little red car!

The douchebag who honks at you for some incomprehensible traffic violation he thinks you committed (I had this one happen at the mall for pulling into an exit/entrance driveway just because he couldn't see the "entrance", sign from his angle. Let's see this junior highway patrolman's sensibilities when he passes at 70 on a residential road the fuck).

Little red car!

You can tape a notepad to the dash and have your passenger keep score!

It's FUN!

It really really is.

So, it's safe to say if you haven't encountered a little red car person, you are one.

In which case leave right now.

You are the devil.

I hate you.

The only thing worse than someone in a little red car, is someone in a red PICKUP TRUCK!!

Pickup truck people in general suck donkey balls.

Red pickup truck people have the little red car gene, PLUS become even bolder in their pickup truck.

Red pickup truck people also have the road rage factor.

The assholism is doubled perhaps even quintupled by this, because not only do they drive like shit, but if you don't drive like them and god forbid make them 2 minutes late to work by not driving like a fucking maniac and actually go with the flow of traffic, they flip out and pass you and give you brake jobs and all kinds of bullshit.

These bastards will kill you.

Watch out.

BEWARE the red pickup people!!

Give them as wide a birth as you would bees!

At the beginning, I said times have changed.

Well, these are the revisions to the general little red car rule.

Many red car people have traded in their little red cars for little green cars with gray trim.

They knew I was on to them.

Same goes for the red pickup people.

They've now become black with silver trim pickup people, and green with gray trim pickup people.

Nice try.
You can't fool me.
You're still little red car/pickup people.

I've got my eye out for you little wedge headed bastards.

Pass me on the right at a narrowing intersection, you're going in the ditch.

Homey don't play that.
For I am a white Buick person.
I simply will not take shit from little green/red cars/trucks.

If you see me on the road, your playtime is over.
Drive like a goddamn human, or I will punish you.
The only right you lose is the right to be an asshole.

Which isn't really a right, so go to hell.

(Audio version available)

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