The biggest bummy in the world!! (text version)

The tale of the biggest bummy I've ever seen.

by Krazyfool


This is one of those experiences that only seem to be in the scrapbook of my life and no one else's.

One day when I was really little I think I was about 4 or 5 since I could walk and talk and I can remember this.

My mother and I were grocery shopping.
That part was uneventful.

When we got to the check out counter, we were directly behind this fat woman with the hugest goddamn ass I have ever seen.

"Yeah, big woop, the woman had a big ass", you're thinking.

No, you don't understand.

You couldn't possibly understand!!

This ass was HUGE!!!

Cartoonishly huge!!

Circus freak huge!!

The really weird part was most of her fat centralized in her ass.
This broad had to have been 600 pounds and it was all ass!!

I can't describe it!!
It was like a cartoon! It defied logic!

Man, that ASS!!

The woman had to have had some kind of medical condition. I have never seen a human being with an ass like that before or since!!
The only unit of measurement I can think of, is you could fit two large midgets in each cheek!

I am not exaggerating at all!!
Not in the least!! I wouldn't make this shit up! I can make up better stuff than this!!

This was real! The ass was that big.

I don't care how kind and sensitive you think you are. If you saw this ass, the sheer improbable ludicrousness of it would have made you point at it and go "BWAAAA HAHAHAHAAAAAA!!".

It was a goddamn big ass!

Again, this woman's fat centralized in her ass so, you had this fat woman with this gigantic beanbag chair ass sticking out of her.

It was incredible!!!
It was Salvador Dali level surreal!!
Barnum could literally charge admission to her ass!!!
My god, if I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have believed it.

If my mother hadn't seen it too, I'd probably think I'd dreamt it.

Okay, I think I've established in explicit enough detail that this woman's ass was the 8th wonder of the world.

Now couple that image with a 4-5 year old child with an easily captured Imagination to begin with, and loose lips.

"Oh my god mummy!! Look at her bummy!! That's the biggest bummy I've ever seen!!! Mummy looook!!! Isn't that the biggest bummy you've ever seen!!".

Now to my innocent childlike way of thinking, I wasn't being offensive. This ass was a record breaker to be sure.
I thought I was being complimentary.
Having the hugest ass in the world isn't a record one wants to break, but it's a record nonetheless.
I would have been just as impressed and complimentary if I'd met a guy who could tie himself into knots, or a guy who could do great yo-yo tricks or the tallest guy in the world.

To me it was just neat.
Attention had to be paid.
This truly was an ass for the history books.

It had to be acknowledged.

Nonetheless, my mother was mortified.

"Mummy!! Look at that bummy!! That's the biggest bummy in the WORLD!!".

"SHHH!!! Quiet! Don't say that. You'll make the lady cry!", my mother whispered to me.

She tells me now she was torn between humiliation and trying not to laugh herself.

Instead of shutting up, I whispered.
Loudly.
Badly.
Basically, I spoke in an audible whisper voice.

Kids are idiots.

"But mummyyyyy! Isn't that the biggest bummy you've ever seen!?!? It's SO big!".

I wasn't going to let it go until she acknowledged it.

"Stop it! You'll make the lady sad!!", she kept saying.

"Cut it out, or you won't get a goldenbook!", she finally said.

That shut me up.

The woman finally finished checking out "she had a LOT of groceries".

The woman turned to my mother as she left and said something like "nice kid you've got there", and left.

Poor woman.
I probably gave her a complex.
She probably never left the house again.

DAMN that was a big ass though.
It truly was the biggest bummy in the world.

Oh sure, those 1000 LB. folks probably have bigger asses, but having the weight all go to the butt to make a big bummy, that's a different matter entirely.

This WAS the biggest bummy ever.

I'm glad I was there to see it.

My mother laughs with me about it now, but boy was she pissed at me for embarrassing her.

Ahh, memory.


(Audio version of this rant available)