Meaningless Slogans 5- "You hate America!!".

Now, maybe you can't tell from what I've said so far, but I love this fucking country.

And you wouldn't know from how hard I am on Hollywood, but I love our movies.
They don't have to be Kubrick stuff either, check my profile.

And you wouldn't know from how hard I am on TV, but I love a lot of TV.
The good is a thin trickle, but it's really good when it's good.
TV is an old technology, but still has such huge potential as a teaching tool.
It still manages to do a lot of good, despite the dogpile of insistent and relentless bullshit in the system that has to be wrestled through.

And maybe you couldn't tell from the rant that started all this, but I love a lot about our culture, and we DO have a culture.

It's just that the mainstream at large doesn't seem to give it a glimpse.

If a country doesn't embrace its own culture, is it a culture?

As for the culture this country DOES embrace, the shitty shows, the shitty movies, the shitty music, the dumbass slogans, the dumber-ass political soundbites, the outright horrible pundit books, I'm completely alienated from it.
I'm divorced from it.
If that's America, dead stop, then I just keep my stuff here, but that's the only relation I have to this scrap of dirt.
Fuck it all, throw in the towel, we're done.
It's a loveless marriage, and we're only together for the kids.

...but....no...the trickles of possibility keep me going.

I know deep down, the portrait of this country as a big Spring Break meets Dogpatch vomit and V.D. puddle is more media bullshit.
It's another product from Liars Inc.

And the evidence of that, is the laptop computer right in front of me.

I love our science, because I believe if ANYTHING can save us, it's science.
Superstitions, and superstitious wish-thinking, offer us NOTHING for rescuing our species from the jaws of oblivion by disease, or famine, or a doomsday rock, or whatever.
In the case of the latter, the chances may be slim closing in on none, but at least it's a chance.
See what prayers do.

And as hard as I am on on our economic system, I love the industries born of our science, that's why I get angry when the jobs born of those industries get outsourced.

And it's why I get pissed when our prosperity gets gets warped by advertising and political hustlers, and conspicuous consumption becomes a value, and equated with patriotism, and we're told this mindless and meaningless consumption is the lifeblood of our economy, and this economy is America's biggest asset.

No, the people are.

The innovation of people creates the wealth that strengthens our economy.
Making the economy a THING that's valued above all else is putting the cart before the horse.

Shit, if it's all about green pieces of paper, and the race to be the last robber baron standing, sell the country to the Chinese lock, stock, and barrell, and get it the fuck over with.
But don't dare spew patriotism at me out the other side of your mouth while you do it.

This chest thumping bullshit about our invincible economy our pundits and politicians constantly beat everyone over the head with is just more meaningless blather to shovel un-earned pride to the ignorant.

That's the real tragedy of this country that wastes its potential.
Arrogance, ignorance, greed, and fear.
That's the cocktail that's bringing us down.
And it's all fueled and oiled by, you guessed it, meaningless slogans.

And I even call it a tragedy, because it's something I give a fuck about, cuz I give a damn about this country.
I want us to be doing better.

And that brings me full circle to what I love most about America.

What I love most about this country, is every breath of freedom I draw within it.
And I don't need slogans, superstitions, and symbols in order to feel it.

That's why I get so FUCKING pissed at all the weasels trying night and day to peck away at that freedom.

And I'm sick to death of the cloud of bullshit they so feverishly and successfully hide themselves in.

And why I want to punch the jaw right the fuck OFF of pundit douchebags that play the "think my way, or you're a goddamn traitor!", card.
Or, the "we represent REAL Americans", card.
Please, go drink a bullet, swine.

"Blame America first", and "chattering classes", is some tiresome empty-headed shit that has to go too.

More mindless buzzwords.

More meaningless slogans.

A substitute for real thinking in every case.

Free people don't need these brain shackles.
THEY'RE the ones with contempt for your freedom in thinking you do.
Stop handing it over to them.
You know better.
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Meaningless Slogans 4- Superstitions.

Okay, in the first of these slogan rants, I mentioned how our culture is made up of slogans, and superstitions.

Well, now it's the superstitions turn.

Superstitions.

All of them are dumb, none of them are good for you.

Not a single fucking one.

First, there's the the obvious ones like horseshoes, lucky clovers, broken mirrors, black cats, ladders, etc.

And the biggest of all, of course, PRAYER!

But, the whole notion of prayer boils down to, and connects to, the basic idea that an unconnected event has an effect on another unconnected event.
Like, for example, lucky clothing and/or dances effecting the outcome of sporting events.

But, really, that's the core of how all superstitions operate.

Two unconnected things somehow being connected by the mind.
And it's always stupid shit.

*Ramming my thumb up my ass will give me good crops! The wise man told me!".

Clearly a haywiring of the brain going on there.

And not a single good thing has come out of ANY of it!
Well, one thing.
Lucky Charms cereal.
...no, wait, the cereal tastes like sawdust, that shit's gross.
Fuck you, Lucky Charms!
Honey Nut Cheerios is where it's at!
Honey Nut Cheerios is tha shit!

Okay, so not even fucking Lucky Charms cereal.

This shit has been with us for millenia, hasn't yielded one positive result in recorded human history.
I'd say it's about time to quit this shit.
Don't you?

No?

Why?

It's comforting? It feels good?
Shit, let's all take smack then.
Hmm?
No?
That's foolish?
Are you fucking kidding me?

As opposed to talisman waving?

And why IS it always a stupid ritual or fetish?
How come no one ever said...oh, I dunno, jerking off was lucky?

No, the religiots went and made jerking off fucking UNlucky!
What kind of loony bullshit reasoning is that??

Well, we had those nice Pagan religions that said fucking was lucky, but the Christians fucking killed all those people.

Fucking, a life affirming act that brings prosperity and joy?
Nah, fuck that, let's develop an unhealthy OCD fixation on a miniature representation of a guy nailed to a stick.
So much better.
And rational.

Come on, folks, how much longer are we going to do this shit?

You're not even ignorant, you KNOW this stuff is bullshit in your hearts.
You KNOW it.
It's not even a matter of credulity.
When you engage your brain, you KNOW it's all on the same level as lucky sweaters during the Superbowl, and birthday candle wishes.

ALL of it.

A universe tilted by lucky sweaters, and rabbit feet, and clovers, and well pennies, and crucifixes would be a batshit insane one!
It wouldn't even work!
All it would take, would be two contradicting wishes to make an explosion somewhere.

Life doesn't work that way, you know it doesn't work that way, it comes down to you WANT it to work that way.
It's a sad desperate wish.
But what good has any of it done?

It's not good for you.
Stop it.
For your own sanity, stop it.
Take a cold frosty swig of reality, that's what's good for you.

The reality is, prayer doesn't work, charms don't work, talismans don't work, luck doesn't work.
But that's a good thing.
It's a wonderful thing.
Because that means curses, and voodoo, and ju-ju, and hexes, and spells don't work either.
Dark forces of the cosmos aren't out to get you.
Stuff just happens.
Anyone who says otherwise is selling you false promises to control you.
Or else, they're a dupe passing along their delusion.
And THAT'S the dark force in the world.
BULLSHIT.

BULLSHIT is the bad mojo.

BULLSHIT is the hex put on your mind.

And superstition is a big bubbling ball of bullshit.

All of it.
All of it.
There isn't one single positive flavor of it to be had on this planet.
Stop looking.
It's not out there to be had.
It's not coming.

If it were out there, it would have transformed the world by now.
It hasn't.
It's made people do stupid chants and rituals.
That's it.
That's IT.

Let's use our imaginations for art and invention.
We don't need these extraneous wasteful behaviors to justify imagination.
There's a real world out there to purpose it to.

You wanna dance? Dance.
You wanna paint? Paint.
You don't need the boogeyman's permission.
You don't need the boogeyman's inspiration.
Just do it.
It's yours.
All yours, no one can take it.
Don't let 'em.
Cuz that's what the bullshitters really want.
To horn in on, and take your shit.
Cuz they don't have any.
That's where bullshit artists come from.
Fuck 'em. Leave 'em in their empty, artless, heartless misery.
That's where they always should have been.
They've been given too much power for too long.

So, stop it folks.

Let's all do that, eh?
How about it?

Let's have a nationwide war on bullshit starting with superstitions.
Come on, America, this one ain't even hard.
You don't have to collect anything door to door, you don't have to pick through your trash, you don't even have to get out of your fucking computer chair.

Just leave lots of comments on this post.
It'll enlarge your genitals.
;)


(Click here for sequel)
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Meaningless Slogans 3-"Elitism", more homespun bullshit..

"A president I could have a beer with".

...what sort of stunted bit of wish thinking is this?

What, do you wanna slam back a couple brewskies with your kid's bus driver too?

Just before they go to their job?
No?
Of course not, that's nuts.

Why is it, when you give someone the keys to a fucking continent with a nuclear arsenal, the requirements suddenly slip?

I think the answer really does boil down to juvenile wish thinking.
If a beer swilling dumbass can get voted up there, then maybe you could too, and you could give your poker buddies cabinet positions, and man, wouldn't that just be so great?

Yeah, and then maybe you could ride around in your own private Voltron robot made of gold, and no dumb old girls would be allowed.
Except Mommy, cuz someone would need to dust for cobwebs, and turn on the night-light.

These are the people out there voting, folks.
This is what 30 years of disintegrating public schools, and moron mass media has done to the collective mentality of a once great nation.

Stick your head out the window, and take a big deep whiff of it.

Don't smell like roses, does it?

Turn on the TV though, they'll say it does.

And this whole elitism distrust/fear plants the seeds, and gets the ball rolling for the distrust of science.

And religion banks on that.

And politicians exploit religion, so they bank on it too.

And advertising uses anything they can, so they'll shovel at you whatever works.

And that's how that whole distrust of medicine gets planted for the quack remedies that I spoke of in the advertising rant.

I think it all comes down to insecurity.
America has a big fuckin' insecurity problem.

That's what all the "male enhancement" pill, and toupee, and diet pill ads are about.

A big problem with facing reality too, that's what all the dumb slogans, and doublespeak, and PC language are about.

That's why the patriotism slogans are meaningless mush meant to foster un-earned pride.
Un-earned pride is just what the doctor ordered for an illiterate ignorant public with deep-seated insecurities.

Oh, and that insecurity, at least the intellectual kind, IS well earned.
If you don't know who Mark Twain is, or can't find your own state on a map, I assure you, you ARE stupid.
All the quack pills and country songs in the universe won't fix that.

Try picking up a fucking book.
One that's not by Dean Koontz, Danielle Steele, or some desert nomad from 2-5 millennia ago.

Ahhh, yes, I know, I know, somehow, that's harder than keeping track of the stats of every player on your favorite football team, and juggling your credit debt from card to card.

This so-called culture of ours is about at a 6th grade emotional level.
Flip channels for 5 seconds, if somehow you've missed this.

Your "average man on the street", is pretty much indistinguishable from a 10 year old child.

If I were stuck at that level, I'd want to drink beer with the president too.
And I'd call "elitist", someone who called that attitude intellectually and emotionally retarded.
And I'd probably surround myself with like-minded individuals to single out and bully anyone who disagreed.
Which when you look around even lazily, is exactly the state of our political discourse.
The playground.

And the politicos know it.
That's how they know what bullshit to shovel and when.
It doesn't take an Einstein either.
These people have gotten so used to being near the top of such a weak curve, they really think they're bona-fide geniuses for being slightly brighter than retards.
Just check out the smug crowing of your typical jackass cable news pundit.

I think the problem ultimately comes down to...no one's really in charge.
Once people get out of school, and move away from their folks, no one makes you do your homework anymore.
And the public schools have gotten rather shoddy at that too, so nowhere does it get fostered as an ingrained habit to seek more and more knowledge.

All becomes about money-chasing.

And people good at that game think they're bona-fide geniuses too.

But let me ask you something.
How many friends did you have, that were simultaneously good at Monopoly AND Trivial Pursuit?
Something to ponder.
Don't need an answer.
Roll it around for a bit.

As for no one being made to keep learning past high school, in a free country, I got no answer for that one.
People are free to be stupid.
No stopping it.

And the powers that be encourage it.

You'd think, that when these machinations are revealed, in the news, and in blogs like this, the sense of betrayal would anger people into self-educating more, and that would foster a more enlightened and informed electorate.

But...I guess being bought off with toys, and alcohol, and sugar, and greasy diets really is a strong enough drug to get people to be satisfied with their encroaching enslavement.

I dunno what the answer is.
Maybe a media that encouraged education over stupidity.
But...the channels are out there.
I myself only watch History, Ovation, PBS, and C-Span-2 all day.
For all the good it does me. :P

And of course, we have the internet.
I got this blog here to preach to the choir with.

But, is it enough?
Is it too little too late, in a world where people want a drinking buddy for president?

I dunno.

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Meaningless Slogans 2-Advertising.

It occurred to me in my last rant, that I didn't get to cover advertising as much as I'd have liked, and Philip's comment clinched it for me that I needed to do a rant specifically on the subject.

Advertising may seem like a benign irritant to most, but it does play into the whole mindless slogan/jargon/buzzword culture, and at best, it doesn't help, and at worst, it makes it worse, by helping to spread the bad memes.

And in the end, even if it's just an irritant, it's not good for you.

But, for dumb people, it's worse.
And this junk contributes to helping make new dumb people.
It's a deadly cycle.
As I will hopefully demonstrate.

And I really wouldn't mind so much, a fool and his money and all that..but it adds to a zeitgeist that puts horrible people near levers of power that never should have been.

And as with the political slogans, it just aids in dumbening everything.
Every time you buy some new flavor of belly wash cuz "Oooo! Gaurana! That sounds fancy! I bet my body needs that shit!", you've just become a little bit dumber.

Like political jargon, advertising has a language all its own.

And it IS its own language, people don't talk like this.

Homestyle! Zesty! New and improved! Deluxe sized!
All natural! Fruit flavored! Chocolaty! Hearty goodness!
And like political jargon, meaningless.
Sounds good, means nothing.
Trash language.
Neurological junk.
Wastes your braincells just hearing it.

One of the aspects I really despise, is how these infomercial quack medicines use pseudo-science babble in their sales pitches with no regard whatever for how this effects the public perception of science.

And it does.
When these shysters get exposed (via people buying these bullshit products, and them not working) who gets blamed?

Not the quacks, not the consumer looking in the mirror, and acknowledging their own stupidity.

Nope, it adds to the pile of incidents that make people distrust science.
And this doesn't hurt the quacks, they'll just shift the goalposts of their next sales pitch to be anti-science, and PROUDLY proclaim how their pills contain no science, but 100% all-natural hearty homestyle MAGIC!

Hell, they already do.
When a product is magic, they say it's "a secret from the Orient", or something similar.
They usually throw "herbal", in there too.

If it's pseudo-science, the Europeans get blamed.
"The latest new TECHNOLOGY from EUROPE!! The Ass-Peeler!!".

"Herbal", works for pseudo-science too.
It's become a holy industry term.

It is to advertising what "family", is to politics.

"Herbal lipids tweedle into your labonza, and exfoliate your flagentula!".

But, that's a weird cycle that goes on, people go to these shitty magic/pseudo-science pills from TV, because they distrust science in the form of mainstream modern western medicine, then their distrust of being ripped off by the TV pills makes them distrust science period, and they go in for the magic oriental creams, and crystal healing, and then they never come back from that abyss.

I don't fucking get it.
I don't get why dumb ideas sink so easily into the imagination, and right ones need to be blasted in with a missle.

Well...I think I may have an inkling...goes back to childhood, and how toys were marketed.

Hey, they said Optimus Prime was a mighty robot from Cyberton, and that promise delivered...in our imaginations...

Hey! Maybe medicine can work the same way!!
It must be true! It's on TeeVee!
Clap for Tinkerbelle!
Wheee!!

....there really needs to be critical thinking classes in schools.
They save it for college, so the ability to think for yourself becomes a privilege of a few.
And those few become our leaders.
And it's no wonder they have contempt for the sheep-like populace they herd.

Wouldn't have to be a deep advanced course, maybe some PBS/TLC specials or something.
Anything!
Anything would be better than the zombie noise culture we've got going on in the media now.

There's nothing out there teaching people to simply ask "hey...what's up with this jive bullshit?".
And then if they finally do get around to asking it, they rebel against everyone, and trust the wrong sorts of people.

They usually end up in the welcoming arms of a guru, or clergyman.
And anything that's good for them, is bad for everybody.

Course, distrust of modern medicine isn't helped by the drug companies, and their ads for the latest "wonder drugs", with their lists of hideous possible side effects.

"May cause beef-jerky dick, and shitting eyeballs".

But...at least they TELL you there are side effects, the fact the latest quack pecker-pill, or magic fat vanishing cream "from the Orient", allegedly does these radical science-fiction-y things to your metabolism, and there's supposedly NO side-effects doesn't deter anyone in the slightest!

Boy, people love being lied to.

Like little kids at bedtime story time that think Cinderella really happened.
And these people fucking vote.
*Head shake*

And it all intersects.
It's a big fucking spaghetti ball.

Religion plucks its memes totally out of thin air.
Totally made up bullshit.
Flat out.
Lock stock and barrel.
Made up bullshit story.
Like the alibi of a cheating boyfriend.

But THEN, politicians build their bullshit memes on "faith", and that's why their memes are junk.

And THEN, advertising uses patriotism memes, which come from political speeches, which come from religion, which come from nothing.

And THEN, politicians regurgitate Madison Avenue buzzwords!
Which built off patriotism slogans, which built on faith, which built on nothing.

And THEN, the whole rolling ball of bullshit falls off a cliff, splatters over Hollywood, and the whole thing gets eaten, and re-shat back at us, and becomes more catchphrases for the clergy and politicos to recycle.
And it all came from nothing!
A big ball of fucking, fucking, bullshit!
And everyone's desperately trying to shove it into your head!

And that's why this shit matters.

It all pays off for somebody, and they're never the good guys.
People who employ this shit are not your friends!

And advertising isn't just commercials.
As I intimated above with the example of Hollywood, these dumb ideas seep into the whole media, the media feasts on its own shit, and it recycles and clones until the bullshit ball becomes an impassable mountain.

Until we come up to now, and the bullshit is just totally fucking rampant.
There's commercials in your shows, there's commercials in your movies, and not just for products, but like with the political slogans, ideas.
And dumb ones.
Youth culture is just a big blister-packed product labeled "stupid", and MTV is the biggest infomercial.
It's the biggest infomercial, period, it's a 24/7 non-stop infomercial.
For shitty music, shitty clothes, shitty movies, shitty slang, and a guide on how to be an utter asshole in their reality shows.
The kind of assholes that need their shitty products.
So...it's an ad for shitty consumers.
So, they nail you at every age, sculpting the perfect sucker.
Toys, candy, then Clearasil, and khakis, then SUVs and Extenz.
But, I could do a whole fucking giant rant on MTV, and maybe I will someday.
What an abomination that electronic eyesore is.
And that's the kindest words I can use.

And it's really not even a conspiracy.
It doesn't have to be.
Just a million little lies, by a million little liars.
Day in, day out.

And by natural gaming theory, the liars figure out what's most advantageous, and who their best allies are, and the whole thing just sort of naturally drifts together into a working machine.

And part of the machine are all these polls, and focus groups, and social psychology studies.
This doesn't happen by accident.
No one pulled "homestyle", out of their ass, and crossed their fingers for it to work.
Dumbass yahoos plucked off the street pushed a happy-face button for "homestyle".
Cuz dumbass yahoos plucked off the street respond to "homestyle".
They want to picture their sainted granny cooking up a batch of manufactured bullshit.
It conjures home and hearth.
Even if their home and hearth was full of domestic violence and molestation.
Fuck, people love to be lied to.

Well, the ones that partake in focus groups.
Smart people say "go fuck yourself", and keep walking.

But all these things, home, hearth, mother, family, granny, military strength, masculine authority, etc, etc, they've been recycled throughout advertising history.
They hit primal buttons in people.
But...fuck that shit, fuck being a puppet.
Warm fuzzies are for sunrises, and fucking, not picking your dinner, or your political affiliation, or understanding the workings of the universe.

But, a lot of people think otherwise.
Which is why they listen to clergy and politicians.
Which weakens them for listening to everyone else.
Except to anyone who really makes sense.
They're armored against common sense by the bullshit they had crammed into heir head.
Which is why these bloodsuckers try so desperately to get you young.

So, it all comes back to teaching critical thinking.
Kids need to be taught that there's a lot of bullshit coming at them.
From everyone, even their own folks.

But, no one wants to take that on.
There's a buck to be made.
And the ones who care about higher things than bucks, are scared of the ones who don't.
Cuz they've proven by their raping of the world what lengths they'll go to.

And so the big bullshit ball rolls on and on...



(Audio version of this rant available)
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Meaningless slogans.

America has no culture.
None.
Nada.
Zilch.
Just slogans, and superstitions.

Mostly the slogans though.

Superstitions are the background white noise hiss of the typical destroyed brain, but slogans, they get you through the day to day.

They're the security blanket of bullshit that make you forget how awful your life is, and maybe even forget about the big pulsating corporate cock hungrily slamming up your asshole, hitting you in the back of your heart.

And they're not even GOOD slogans.
Scratch at 'em with even the slightest bit of logic, and they're empty, hollow, and full of cobwebs and nothing.

Bleak fuckin' bumper sticker bullshit.

The most empty headed drivel you'd ever want to come across, but no one questions it, because they beat 'em into your fuckin' head day after day like a railroad spike when you're a kid, when you're intellectually naked and helpless.

And they fucking count on that.
That's the whole core idea of school!

Let's look at some of this shit...

God bless America.

Really? Fucking really?
God blesses this country above all others?
Why doesn't he give a shit about the other ones?
Hey, look at the world, there's countries we KNOW he doesn't give a shit about if he's up there.
And what did they do to deserve that?
And what do we do deserve our..what?
Our malls? Our spray cheese? Our dumbshit Hollywood movies?
Is that God's blessing?
Or, is that what we did to impress him?
Either way, that's an unimpressive, and little God.
Fuckin' Mini-Me God.

But, that's the religious imagination for you.
Small, feeble, weak, an insular tribal culture with a petty jealous midget God with cheesey special effects.

Oooo! A burning bush! Ooo! Lots and lots of waaater!!

Meanwhile galaxies are crashing together and exploding out in the fucking universe.

Humans made this shit up, and humans made up "God bless America".

And it means about as much as "God bless you", after a sneeze.

A mindless perfunctory drilled in superstition.

Achooo!!!
God bless, America.

God bless the USA!

Variation on God bless America, but they made a country song out of this one.
Whenever you want to know if a slogan is empty and meaningless, check to see if they made a fucking country song of it, they usually have.

Proud to be an American.
Yeah, another country lyric, there's a stunner.
How are you proud of an accident of birth?
You can be GLAD to be American.
Shit, looking at some countries out there, you can be RELIEVED to be an American.
But, birthplace isn't an accomplishment.
Too much undeserved pride out there, we don't need to add to the pile with this one.

Now, you can be proud of your life accomplishments, and credit living in America with having the freedom to pursue them.

Maybe "proud to be an American", means something like that.
But, it aught to be constructed better so it literally SAYS that.
"Proud to be an American", as a phrase is just garbage language.
Meaningless as a literal sentiment.
Fuzzy moosh at best as a poetic one.
But that pretty much defines a slogan.
Feels good, means nothing.
But, so does masturbation, and unlike patriotic slogans, you don't see a bragging tone about discussing that.

My country right or wrong.

This one's just fucking despicable, I'm glad this one isn't in popular circulation anymore.
What a vile sentiment. Goes against everything the revolution that founded this country stood for.
The very embodiment of unthinking, zombie, conformist, fascist, nationalist, boot rally bullshit.
Let's gleefully piss on the grave of this one, and hope it never crawls from its coffin.


And then there's the fucking pledge of allegiance, what a bunch of fascist robot mind control bullshit this loathsome tedious time wasting ritual was.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Okay, first of all "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America", really? Allegiance to a flag?
A fucking piece of cloth?
And is that why you have to look in its direction?
Are you saying the pledge TO the fucking flag?
Saying a fruity-ass little poem to a piece of cloth?
How imbecilic and meaningless a ritual is that?
And what bullshit superstition!
Who hears the pledge?
God?
The flag fairy?
Does a little soul live in the flag?
Is that part of that special God blessing towards America?
He brings our fucking flags to life, and they really love to hear the pledge?

No, the teacher hears the pledge.
That's who it's for.

But does he/she really give a fuck?
No, most times not.
Once in awhile, you get a nut-fuck who thinks it's really fucking important shit, but for the most part, the teacher makes you because they make him/her make you.

But, the bosses who boss the teacher to boss you don't hear you doing the pledge, so what the fuck do they care??

And this is where the logic breaks down for me...
What about when the teacher leaves the room...and you still have to say the pledge???

Who's hearing that shit now??

Which brings me back to God, and flag spirits...

"...and to the republic for which it stands,..", okay, that makes a little more sense, at least we're pledging allegiance to the actual country here, but why did we START with the flag?
What was that about?
Remember that shit back there?
Those logic problems are still begging for answers.

"..one nation under God..", okay, "under god", was added in the stupid McCarthy '50's, and I piss on his grave.
And it's clunky, and fucks up the rhythm, and I always thought so, and now that I know the history on this, I finally understand why.
What, they thought if a dirty Godless Commie said the pledge with God in it, their throat would burn?
What was the reasoning behind this shit?
If a commie could fake their way through the old pledge, they could fake their way through the new one.
Which proves it's a meaningless fucking ritual.

Let's try it without the God bit, see if it flows better.

"..one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Yeah, not bad, not bad....

You can see the post-civil war mentality behind the indivisible.
Liberty and justice?
What's the pledge for then?
Depending on the teacher, you were forced into that crap.
There's that old argument "liberty is a privilege for adults, not a toy for children".
Well then, if the choices of children are to be taken lightly, why beat a pledge into 'em?
And justice?
Please.
For all?
Please!!!

And the act of saying it, the joyless obligatory DRONING of it.
Has such a robotic mantra/chant quality to it.
You hear a whole classroom of kids mumbling it out, it gets eerie.

At least it was to me.
Stupid adults (which is most of them) think anything said in a squeaky kid's voice is fucking cute.

I tell you what, get some adults to say that shit, you and some friends try this shit out, say the pledge in unison like 20 times in a row to get a good drone going.
Ain't that fuckin' creepy?
Don't that give you chills?
Turns my stomach.
Always did.

And you couldn't rush it either, or they'd make you start that shit oooover and ooover.

S'like "ohhhh, let's get this out of the waaayy, I got pictures to colorrr!".
Sometimes you'd have to piss.
I can't count the number of times they forced me to say the pledge through needing desperately to piss.
That's child abuse.
Flat out.

Get the wrong teacher, and dig your feet in about it, you'd get in deep, deep shit.
In my parent's day, they'd probably beat ya.
Corporal punishment, another proud American tradition.
Ah, but let's not get ahead of myself...

And then think of this,....why did KIDS need to have a loyalty oath beaten into them?
What, are KIDS gonna sell secrets to the fucking Russians?
What the fuck!?!?

No, it was to make you accustomed to being an obedient servant of your corporate and state masters later on.
That's the theory behind it, anyway.
You wouldn't think it would work, but I fucking know people who thought that pledge was the greatest fucking thing, and thought it was "character building", whatever the fuck that means.
I can't deal with minds like that.
That's spooky shit.

I think ours is the only country that does that shit.
I dunno, maybe the Brits have a version.
We seem to have gotten a lot of our public school ideas from theirs.
Thanks, John Dewey, you fascist fuck.

And then, there's these nasty little un-killable Orwellian buzzwords that have been infesting the meme-sphere like neurological AIDS virii.

Family values.

Whose family??
The Manson family?

And what ARE these values?
No one ever tells me.
How can I have/embrace/practice them, if I don't have a list to follow?
And what sort of people DON'T have these values?
Maybe I can backtrack from there.

Well, people who aren't Jesus-freaks seem to be off the love list, so there's me out of the club.

And the gays don't seem to be invited, so there's a lot of my friends kicked out.

So...I guess homophobia and credulity are among these cherished values.

Well, I dunno whose family these values are coming from, but it sure ain't mine.
Glad it ain't.

And I love how it's used, the context it gets used in always sets up this false dichotomy between homophobic Jesus-freak, conformists, and mustache twirling, pagan, orgy having, baby fucking, baby eating, tornadoes of unadulterated wickedness.

Well...how many of those guys do we actually have on this planet?
A Jeffrey Dahmer comes along once in a blue moon, it's a teensy tiny fucking minority.
Surely a minority this tiny isn't dragging the country down to Hell.

And surely they (the family values crowd) don't care if the Hendersons are whipping each other's asses with straps behind the blinds.
Hell, the Hendersons are probably at the fucking "family values", rally.

It's the gays, face it.
"Family values", is code-speak for "no fags".

Have the courage of your bigoted convictions, and just say "no fags".

"Family values", is fucking meaningless bullshit language.
And we have mountains of that shit, we don't need any more.

And really, it's an insult to families everywhere.
If you're not a christian homophobe, you don't value your family?
You don't even count as a family?
Fuck you!
Shit, on this planet, there's more families with other religions besides Christianity than not, and even the nuclear family is a minority these days.
A statistical minority is going to tell the rest of the world what "family values", are?
Fuck off!

Family values makes my bile rise.

And I think the christian right knows it, because I don't hear it as often, they're shifting the goalposts again with softer simpler language, which brings me to...

"Family", period!
Everything wicked, and horrific, and trying to steal your freedom seems to cloak itself with "family", lately.

"Youth", and "concerned", and "mothers", are pretty big too.

But "family", is the one the yahoos at the rallies and conventions seem to gobble up like Pringles.
They never fucking tire of it.
It's like by reiterating it, they hold up a forcefield against perceived evils.
But, there's more superstition for you.
Has to be superstition, it sure as fuck ain't logic.

Ah, "traditional", there's another piece of homespun bullshit.
Traditional gets people hooting too.
Whose traditions?
What traditions?
Doesn't seem to me America has many traditions to be proud of.

Democracy, free press, etc, that stuff is good.

But, I never see anyone arguing against any of that.
Where's this contingency of people waving "totalitarian fascism now!!", placards?
I don't see 'em around.
So, who's the invisible army of enemies that are eating away at our precious traditions?

Gee, seems to me to be the "family values", crowd, actually.

And funny how "traditional", is often if not almost always stuck in front of "family values".
Y'know, to give it that extra oomph.
Like "we really fuckin' mean it!", y'know?
We're gonna family at you extra hard!

And if we're talking the traditions of the "family values", crowd...well, gee..those are the bad ones I spoke of earlier.
Bigotry, militarism, imperialism, nationalism, anti-intellectualism, anti-enlightenment, illiteracy, greed, ignorance, domestic violence, etc, etc.
Yeah, those are proud American traditions.
Homespun, and all-American.
Doesn't make 'em good though.

"Traditional", is meaningless.
It can invoke whatever you want it to.
And the ones who do invoke it, are usually invoking bad shit, for a bloodless, empty political agenda which boils down to gaining and keeping power, and not giving a fuck about you or yours.
Which makes the "family values", component so much more insincere and trite.

So, traditional and family values can go take a flying fuck off a rolling donut.

And then there's advertising slogans!
We seem to have a whole chunk of our group memory built up on this shit we're bombarded with from TV, and people internalize this horseshit, and it becomes a fond memory of your fucking life!

We're up to now, oh, 3, maybe 4 generations now that have been weened on the glass tit of TV.
And it shows.
It fucking shows.

It's fuckin' depressing.

Every one's just running around like a chicken, mindlessly parroting all this shit.
Your average dumbfuck on the street, anyway.
And there's hordes of these motherfuckers.
The getting in the way people.
The extras in the movie of life.
Their mom didn't use birth control, and now we've got all this extra meat running around with heads full of this slogan shit.

And that's our world, that's our culture.
These meaningless catchphrases.
This fucking drivel.
These empty sentiments handed down from the think tanks of the self-appointed elites.

Meaningless shit, smearing a skid-mark across the collective mind of the human super-organism.
Wasting our precious time of our finite lifespans, and destroying our potential as a species.

And we're proud of it.
This country has been bullshitted into being proud of its backwards, anti-intellectual, illiterate,
anti-curiosity, anti-reason, anti-logic, anti-science fucking atmosphere that this slogan mentality fosters.

And that's what the slogans say!

They say you're stupid, you're stupid, you're stupid, but it's GOOD that you're stupid!
It's GOOD!

It's GOOD that you're stupid, because it means you're patriotic, and you support your family, and you love babies, and puppies, and rainbows, and kittens, and whatever else bullshit you need to be happy, but just keep being stupid!

Why, it's ALL-AMERICAN to be fuckin' stupid!

Go run up some credit debt, you fuckin' morons!

Go sign a crooked mortage!

Go buy some Enron stock!

You're a fuckin' hero!
Yes, YOU! With your fuckin' grease stains, and lottery tickets!
You're the American fuckin' dream!
Family!
Mothers!
Values!
God!
Flag!
Family!
Family!
Jesus!
Family!

Now go buy shit!
And keep voting us crooks in!

That's what they're selling you.
That's the arsenic in the cocktail.
And still you all suck it down.
You know it, and you still step up to the bar for another bitter swig of this shit!
What the fuck is wrong with you people??

What the fuck is wrong with this country?
You've just been lied to for so long, you really don't know any better?
You don't expect any better?
Was the buildup so gradual, and insidious, it just seems like the air you breathe?
What fucking happened, America?
What corner did we turn?

Maybe it goes further back.
Maybe the game was up for our species the very first moment a king and/or clergyman convinced someone he was in charge.

Maybe I should be a good little fatalist, and selfishly focus on my dumb little life of numbing my pain with buying shit, and passively wait to die.
Maybe that's what life is about.
Maybe.
But I need it proven.
I need hard evidence, not circular arguments, and more slogans.

Cuz that's all that have been on offer.

So I won't believe it.
I remain incredulous on this point.
I won't give in to it, and I'll go down swinging if I have to.

I don't know what life is supposed to be about, but it can't be this.
It just can't be.
What a fucking waste of a remarkable species with near infinite potential if this is all it was.
A big fucking shit burger hawked by a cartoon clown.

No fucking way.
Not on my 80 year allotment of lifespan it won't.


(Audio version of this rant available)
Read More......

I just keep tinkering!

The last batch of cartoons, and the computer art added to the good old days. Read More......

My old computer art.

Okay, this should just about do it for the old stuff.
Here's some crummy little photo edit thingies I did.

Okay, back in the J-World days, I used to go into this racially offensive farting Mexican character.
Course, the beauty of this, is Mexicans aren't very racially sensitive about themselves, and they generally love fart humor, so, y'know, they'd see it as a loving tribute, so no harm, no foul, which is sweet, because none was ever intended.
I hate political correctness.
Anyway, "The Road To El Dorado", came out, and I saw it as ripe (pun intended) for the obvious parody.

So, I shared the first one at TrekBBs as well, and someone suggested the sequel title "Flatch Lives", and then came another no-brainer...

So, time passes, some new ideas float through my head, pieces tumble together, and the conclusion to the trilogy finally suggested itself.
Hey, if anyone out there has camera equipment and a modicum of talent, go ahead and make these movies.
Give me my credit and cut of the profits, of course.

Yeah, I'm a Freddy Krueger fanboy, and was both dreaming of and pushing for this movie to get made. and yes, I was happy as a pig in shit when it finally did, and no, it did not disappoint.

WWWF Grudge Match had a logo contest ages ago.
I submitted this.
It lost.
Fuck.

Some people smell like they already use these products.
I figure, why not profit from it?

Okay, this was intended to be as mean as it is.
I apologize, Robert Downy.
You've cleaned up, and you're Iron Man now.
Truce, buddy?

Yeah, I went through a Star Wars novel phase, and had an impulse to see this particular set of images as a wallpaper.
You got a problem with that? You wanna fight about it?
Anyway, I busted my ass on those movie style logos on the Zahn books there.
So, someone, please, use this, and love it, and tell me so.

Yep, I made me some Winamp skins back in the day.
Had my hand in a lot of little projects.
Garbage Pail Kids, obviously.
I Google once and awhile, no one else on earth has done a GPK Winamp skin, no one.
Don't think I have the files for these anymore sadly.
Oh, no, wait, Krazyfool's still has 'em here!
Cool!

Here's that in expanded view. I did the whole thing!

Here's the sequel. got lazy, and didn't do the rest for the rest.


Here's three...


..and then Mars Attacks...

...and then a GPK of Mars Attacks...

..and then this pee one by request.

The End!!!

Read More......

Yet another dose of cartoons.

Beat the wizard!
I think the wizard represents either the old testament God,
or something more general like, the tribulations of life.
Or, maybe I'm just a weird bastid that makes weird cartoons. :P


American Eagle and Government Cheese!!
(The final episode)


Okay, kids, wanna get diagnosed as crazy?
Draw shit like this at school!
Ah, good times.


Hmm...didn't know the meaning of this one back then,
but this is obviously conservatism in action.
*Snicker* ah, loosen up, people.
It gets fucking darker than this, it'll be a long ride if you start whining now.


Rich beefy gravy!
Dig the snappy dialogue. :P


The Golf Pro.
Not much comment here, this came out fuckin' perfect.
I almost weep with joy every fuckin' time I look at it.


Zoo-zoo!!
To this day this makes me bust out laughing.
Funniest thing in the galaxy to me.
Maybe I am fucking crazy, I dunno.

'Nuff said.

Read More......

S'more tinkering.

Added High School Toons to The good old days.

Added Submitted Stuff to Key Areas Of Shmegalamonga. Read More......

High School toons.

Just doing some consolidating. ;)

Clarence!

Big Giant Robot Jo-Jo!

The Falling Man!

Jesus Christ!

Maniac In The Grocery Store Line!

The Pounding! Read More......

The Pounding!

Okay, this one has a fucked up pedigree.
BUT, boring story second, cartoon first.
Go read it, then come back, I'll wait...














Okay, I think the mountain guys came from an episode of "The Mighty Heroes", I saw when my age was in single digits.
Or something like them.
I don't fucking know.
It's all blended in my head that far back.
But, they got into my memory bank, and then, one night, I had a candy gorge induced dream about them, and I drew it the next day.
That original cartoon redrawn occupies panels 2-9 of page 1 of this one.
Anyway, years later, in my teens, I dig out all my old sketchbooks I kept, and skimmed through 'em for laughs.
I find the wizard hat guy getting squooshed by the mountain men, let out a roaring "what the fuck!?!", laugh, and it gets stuck in my memory banks again.
Then, months later, hard up for ideas, the wizard/mountain-men dream/cartoon pops back up, and I whimsically wonder "...I wonder what ever happened to that guy afterward??".

So, here that is.
Hmm..been about 15 years since this one, about time for another sequel.... Read More......

Maniac In The Grocery Store Line!

I think at the time, I was reading the books with all the Monty Python skits, and some of it rubbed off, but not enough.....

Read More......

Jesus Christ!

Yeah, looking back at this, even when I was an agnostic cultural-Christian, I never took this religion stuff all too seriously.

Course, nowadays, I don't think there's very much if anything that should be taken seriously.
But, that's a rant for later.

Read More......

The Falling Man!

Not much to say about this one.
It's all in the comic.

Read More......

Big Giant Robot Jo-Jo!!

Been aching to put this little masterpiece up for years.
Now, here it finally is!!
Bask in its glory!!








Read More......

The Krazyfool Show!

(A sperm enters an egg, cells divide.
Time lapse of a fetus developing.
Cut to Krazyfool fully grown, clothing and all curled up in a fetal position in a set
made to look all fleshy.)


(A midget dressed up as a gray UFO abduction type alien is lowered down next to Krazyfool on a rope.
The midget/alien has the added feature of fake looking wire antennae with red glitter covered hearts at the ends sticking out of his fake rubber bulbous head.)

Alien- Time for the show Krazy! Waaake uuup Kraaazy. Waaaake up!

Krazyfool-*Opens eyes* Yaaawwn! Um num num. Not today Alium, there's only heartbreak and disappointment out there.

Alium- Tough shit you weird faced bastid! *Pulls a cartoon lever on the fleshy uterine wall that makes Krazy fall downward with a "kerflussshhhh", sound*

(Krazyfool is set against bluescreen footage of an endoscopic gynecological probe.
It makes it look like Krazyfool is falling through the vaginal tract like sliding down a chute.)

Krazyfool- WHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Alium- Whheeeeee?

(Opening credits animation with clips of various past episodes.)

Announcer- It's the hallelujah, holy shit, biff bam boom, anything goes KRAAAAAZYFOOOOL SHOOOOOWW!!!!
With tonight's special guests, Christina Ricci!! Cyndi Lauper!! Jeff Goldblum!! Warren Beatty!! Danny Devito!!
With the Krazyfool orchestra and the usual cavalcade of characters!!!

(Cut to the talkshow stage.)

(The song "Black Sabbath", by Black Sabbath plays in the background.
When the song gets to the part where Ozzy screams "OHH GODD PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!", Krazyfool emerges on stage from a chute that ends with a giant Krazyfool head with dry ice smoke coming from the mouth. An effect of a synthesizer deepened voice going "MUUAAHAHAAA!! MUUAAHAHA!!", is dubbed over for the duration of Krazyfool's exit from the giant mouth.)

Announcer- Now here's your host FUUUCKINGGG KRAAAAAZYFOOOOLLL!!!!!!!!!

(Instead of a canned applause track, sounds of moaning and orgasming is played.
Krazyfool seems oblivious to this, and jogs up to his mark with a sarcastic deliberate stupid grin on his face.)

Krazyfool- Welcome ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you today.
Well, let's cut through the bullshit and get to the monologue shall we?
Have you heard bout this new pill Viagra??? Is this kooky or what?? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?? Am I right folks??

(Cut to the studio audience, which consists of a 10 year old boy with a propeller beanie, the dwarf from the opening with his mask now off, an 80 year old man in a fishing cap, a 50 year old woman in a fairy costume, and up in the back row, a couple in their mid 20's actually fucking.
The other audience members seem oblivious to this, but you can tell it's been coached ahead of time as the boy and the dwarf keep looking out the corner of their eyes.)

(The camera zooms in on the guy's cock plunging in and out of the vagina and holds there for an uncomfortably long 30 seconds that seem like an eternity.)

(While this takes place, Zam Fir pan flute music plays in the background.
At the bottom of the screen are the words "FCC penalties", next to a telethon style counter rapidly spinning.
The numbers are already racked up to 5 million closing in on 6.)

(All of a sudden, the guy reveals himself to be drunk off his ass and starts shouting. The camera pulls back to reveal him shouting and hooting like a sports fan.)

Fucking guy- WHOOOO!!! WHOOOO! USA!!! USA!!! HEY BRAD AND CHAD!! LOOK!! I'M ON TV FUCKING!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!

(The girl pulls her shirt up to reveal her tits are painted her school colors)

Fucking couple in unison- GO MEERKATS!!! GO MEERKATS!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!

Krazyfool- Well, that's enough of that foolishness. You've spoiled it for all of us.
Back to the goddamn thankless monologue you awful selfish people you.
So, have you heard the latest in science? It seems we're in a godless senseless universe that's spiraling towards its inevitable destruction like a loose chariot wheel flying off its axle after all.
Still, you gotta laugh! It's really funny when you sit down and think about it! You assholes are gonna die!! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! Oh yeah, that stuff is just funny to me. Sorry. No I'm not.
In celebrity news, some plastic phony people got divorced, while the ones who got divorced yesterday got remarried. Why don't they just have wife swapping orgies and be done with it??
Ahh fuck Hollywood , and they call the south inbred.
The only haven for creativity in American cinema is Troma and I'll shoot in the face with a gatling gun the first damn dirty oily haired Mexican who says otherwise.
BTW, religion is a crutch for weak minded fat Negro housewives, and the New York subway system is loaded with queers with AIDS who'll fuck you if they get the chance.
Am I right little baby JC??

(Cut to pre-filmed footage of a rubber baby puppet in a high chair. Except the baby has a sloped Neanderthal-ish furrowed angry brow that obscures his eyes. He also has a jutting jaw, five o clock shadow and is biting down on a stogie.)

Baby JC- (Badly dubbed pre-recorded voice of an angry New Yorker as the puppet mouth barely keeps sync) JEEEEZUS!!!! JEEEEEZUS CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Krazyfool- Hey, howabout this whole Monica Lewinsky on Jenny Craig controversy eh?? I won't bore you with all the "protein diet", jokes all the other hosts are doing, so this monologue is over.

(Krazyfool gives a hate filled look to the orchestra who looks back at him with equal enmity.
The orchestra crosses their arms and refuses to play. This awkward unexplained moment lasts 4 seconds but seems to last 15 seconds.)

(Krazyfool turns to head towards his desk.)

(Camera pulls back to reveal the talkshow set is set up in a warehouse building the size of a Target store.
The entrance curtain, orchestra and audience bleachers are at one end, and Krazyfool's desk is all the way at the other.
Krazyfool runs deep and hard to the desk which takes about 25 seconds, an eternity on TV.)

Krazyfool-*Takes a drag off asthma inhaler* HUHHHHHHH!!! Ahhhhh that's the stuff!
Okay, time for banter with the sidekick "sigh, this always death".

(Krazyfool presses a button on his desk.
With a really bad camera edit, in which everything jumps, Pheemp appears in the sidekick/guest chair.)

Krazyfool-So how's things going with you??

Pheemp- Okay.

Krazyfool- How far along are you in Pet Sematary now??

Pheemp- I'm half way through, it's getting really good.

Krazyfool- Have you got to the part, oh shit, I don't want to give it away if you haven't. Have you gotten to the part where the THING happens?? Y'know the THING????

Pheemp- Which part do you mean?

Krazyfool- Oh forget about it, you'd know what part I meant if you'd read it. It was like the thingiest thing in the book, it's the THING y'know? You'd know it if you read it trust me.

Pheemp- *Rolls eyes* So.... what was up with those people..uh..doing it...that was DISTURBING don't you think??

Krazyfool- You weren't supposed to acknowledge that, now the joke is ruined. Damn your eyes!!

Pheemp- Sor-RY!!

Krazyfool- Well, the director is giving me the "cut it short", signal.

Pheemp- No he's not.

Krazyfool- Porno must've ate up the time. Sorry Pheemp, time to say goodbye.

(Canned audio of audience going "awwwww")

Pheemp-I'm the sidekick!! I'm supposed to stay through the show!

Krazyfool- Yeah, well, it's just as the writer I can't imagine everything you'd really say through this whole thing. I've got enough trouble predicting my own erratic behavior. *Pushes the desk button again*

(With an even worse bad editing effect, Pheemp becomes a mylar cell with his picture glued on held over the camera lens. The cameraman removes it.)

The real Pheemp reading this at home- That bastard!! That...fucking...BASTARD!!!!!

Krazyfool- Oh yeah, I forgot to mention tonight's guests are Christina Ricci, Cyndi Lauper, Jeff Goldblum, Warren Beatty, and Danny Devito.
Here's a commercial.

(Cut to pre-filmed commercial starring Krazyfool)

(Krazyfool is standing in a labcoat holding a big blue box with the word "POB", emblazoned on it in big yellow letters.)

Krazyfool- *Points to the box* (with a really weird growly/caveman grunty voice) AAAAAHHH.
*Lets tongue dangle out stupidly*

(Cut back to show.)

Krazyfool- There, they won't ask me to do THAT again!

(A "clanking", sound is heard off camera. The camera turns to reveal a drumstick hurled in anger by the drum player that only made it a few yards across the warehouse. The reason for the separation between the host becomes immediately clear.)

Krazyfool-(Caught in a split second of relaxing face from hate filled grimace of rage back to jovial demeanor.) Without further ado, let's introduce our first guest, Warren Beatty!!!

(Warren Beatty steps out nervously from the entrance curtain and makes a break for the desk fearing being pelted by a drumstick, or something heavier.)

Krazyfool-(With fear in his face) RUN DAMMIT RUUUUUN!!!!!!!

Warren Beatty- (Breathing heavily) I..made it..phew!

Krazyfool- So you did Ishtar boy.

Beatty-*Laughs it off with a not-quite-a-laugh-grin-that says "that's not too funny, but I'm being cordial".*

Krazyfool- So, what the fuck WAS with Ishtar anyways?? I mean what the fucking hell?? EH??? EHHH!!!???

Beatty- Hey, listen buddy...

Krazyfool- No YOU LISTEN!!!!!! I only made it twenty minutes into that piece of dung and it's twenty minutes I'll never get back!!!!

Beatty- Can we talk about my campaign for President?

Krazyfool- WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!!?!?!?! I'm raking you over the coals about ISHTAR here!! Jesus Christ man!! NO!! Alright!? No, we WON'T be talking about your goddamn "bid for president", what a fucking JOKE!! You were in ISHTAR for Christ's sake!! Clinton just got a blowjob!! YOU were in ISSHTAAARR!!!! OHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beatty- Listen motherfucker!!!

(Krazyfool puts a 357 magnum under warren Beatty's nose.)

Krazyfool- (Whispering in a very scary tone) I'm calling the shots now muthafucka!

Beatty-*Trembles in fear*

Krazyfool- I'm your god now understand?

Beatty- *Nods with a single tear streaming down face*

Krazyfool- Now, I need some entertainment for our guests. So, I want a show from you bitch.

Beatty- *Nods again, trembling and sobbing*

Krazyfool- You know I'm actually nuts enough to kill you don't you??

Beatty- *Nods*

Krazyfool- Smart lad. Okay, time to do a trick, doggie.
Hmm....I know. Shit your pants.

Beatty- *Looks up in horror*

Krazyfool- *Waves the gun* You heard me, shit your fucking pants. Good and full.

Beatty- (Tears stream in humiliation and rage as he grunts out a loaf into his drawers.)

Krazyfool- PEE YOO!! Oh my God!! He actually did it folks!!!!

Beatty-*Hangs head in emotional destruction*

Krazyfool- Okay, has he suffered enough folks??

(Canned cheers)

Krazyfool- *Pulls the trigger. A flag that says "Bang", pops out* HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

(I don't have an ending for this, so hired goons just drag Beatty away.)

Krazyfool- Now, for our next guest, star of Sleepy Hollow, Christina Ricci everybody!

(Christina Ricci having got a head start during her introduction, has already made it to her seat and shakes hands with Krazyfool.)

Christina Ricci- There was no TV in the green room, did I miss something? The audience is going all weird.

Krazyfool-Nope, just some jokes and stuff. Well, one of the animal acts made a mess. No real biggy.
Tell us about your latest project.

Ricci- Well...

Krazyfool- (Utters in a low, trying not to be heard, but still audible, creepy high-pitched "here doggie", voice) Christiiinaaa Riiiiicciiiiiii. Christiiiiinaaaaa Riiiiiiiicciiiiiiiiii.

Ricci- .........

Krazyfool- Go on.

Ricci- (Really creeped out now) Uh....what was I...? What the hell were you just doing??

Krazyfool- What? Oh, the voice thing? That's just some silly in-joke thing my co-host Pheemp and I. He dared me to do the weirdest thing I could think of if certain celebrities came on.
We sat around thinking and that's what we came up with for you. Trust me, you got lucky. We got to you towards the end of the day, the other celebs didn't get off so lucky.

Ricci- Uhh..alright then...

Krazyfool- Finish what you were saying.

Ricci- Uh yeah. Well in this new movie I play.....

Krazyfool- (In creepy high-pitched dog calling voice again) Criiistiiiiinaaaaa Riiiiiiicciiiiiii. Enricciiiiii Tiiiiiikkiiiiiii. Rich thick and beeeeeeeefyyyyyyy.

Ricci-.......................

Krazyfool-.....................What? Oh, you're still on about the voice thing??

Ricci- Yeah, would you stop that?

Krazyfool- *Thinks about it*........No.

Ricci- *Leaves*

Krazyfool- *Holds up an action figure of Wednesday from Addams Family* Chriiiiistiiiinaaaa Riiiiiiiiiciiiiii!!!! *Holds up a toy of a Tikki head* Enriiiiicciiii Tiiiiiiikkiiiiiii!!!!
*Hits the two toys together like they're fighting. Then, begins rubbing them together like they're humping. He then throws the toys back towards the band but the distance is too far.*

(Krazyfool snaps out of it and composes self in 2 seconds and snaps back into goofy grinning host mode.)

Krazyfool- Well, okay. Let's squeeze in another guest before the music, what say eh?

(Most of audience has left. Only the old man and the dwarf remain.)

Krazyfool- Now for our next guest, Penguin from Batman Returns, Daanny Devitooo!!!

(Danny Devito likewise got a head start and is at the desk to shake hands with Krazy.)

Devito- Man, I saw the wacky stuff you were doing backstage! This show is totally WILD!! I love it!!!

Krazyfool- Really? Aww shucks (blushes). Hey, there's no TV backstage how did you see what was going on!?!?

Devito- Godblum did some stuff with his I-mac. Patched it in or something.

Krazyfool- I see....

Devito- You're Krazy alright, but you just may be a genius.

Krazyfool- I dragged him out there to quote that line folks!
So, what was it like being Penguin in Batman???

Devito-(Laughs) Batman!?!? That was 8 YEARS ago now!!

Krazyfool-.......really?? Shit, I'm feeling old now.

Devito- Yeah, being the penguin was cool. I liked the part where I bit the guy's nose off (laughs.)

Krazyfool- Yeah, that was cool. Jesus, 8 years ago. Holy SHIT! I just came to! It's been 20 damn years since 1980!! Holy crap man!!! My youth is flying away here!!! Shit!......SHIT!

Devito- (Amused grin) You gonna be okay pal?

Krazyfool- Yeah, I'm all bored with that train of thought. Speaking of trains, what the hell was up with throw momma from the train??? That ending was fucked!

Devito- Hey, you ain't gonna go all "Ishtar", on me are you??

Krazyfool- Psshht, heck no. That was ISHTAR for cryin' out loud. Action needed to be taken.

Devito- Well, yeah, the ending of Throw momma from the train was all screwed up.

Krazyfool- THANK YOU!

Devito-.......Howabout we talk about Twins now? (Grins).

Krazyfool-........damn, I need a woman so bad. Uh yeah, Twins yeah sure. Go nuts.
(Stares off into daze of painful memories.)

Devito- Yeah, Arnold's a pretty cool guy. *Grins while making a "get a load of this guy", gesture in Krazyfool's direction*.

Krazyfool- ....Why couldn't she love me??? I tried so hard......oh, ahem! Uh yeah, that was a great story Danny, we should have you back sometime.

Devito- (Gives a "help me out here, what do I do, just leave?", look to the cameramen and audience and anyone who can shed some light. No dice.) *Shrugs* okay, bye.
(Leaves)

(Suddenly, a big green fleshy tentacle wraps around Danny Devito.)

Devito- Heh hehhh this show is just nuts!! This thing is crushing the life out of me over here!!

Krazyfool- Damn you tentacle!! Damn you to HEEELLL!! *Dives out of chair and begins beating on the tentacle*

(Captain Kirk fight music begins to play).

Krazyfool- Let Devito go you foul abomination!! Fie!! Fie upon thee foul fooferaud!!!

(Ba da da da da da daaaa da da daaa DA!!)

Krazyfool- Let him go you goddamn THING you!!!

Devito- You...did your best........(the tentacle pulls him off stage. A gurgling "crunch", is heard.)

Krazyfool-Actually, I probably could have tried a little harder.

(Hangs head and walks back to desk.)

Krazyfool- (Sits in daze of emotional pain again, the clinking of another drumstick being hurled snaps him out of it) Oh yeah, the musical guest.
Shit, we don't have one.
I guess I'll have to lip synch to an album again.

*Groans from the band and crew*.

(Krazyfool Lip synchs to "The Dreamers", by David bowie and does a fairly passable job at it. All the while doing some rudimentary little slight of hand tricks. The place is really wowed when Krazyfool, during the last really big chorus, actually flies out into the audience and does some tight maneuvering around the set putting the blue angels to shame.)

Krazyfool- *Sits back down after number is over* Yeah, so I can fly. Now you know. Big deal. Why don't you go tell all your goodtime pals now??

(With some really clever juggling of bluescreens, it suddenly appears that the whole roof of the building is being torn off. Holding up the roof and looking down in on Krazyfool is a giant old lady in a floral print dress.)

Krazyfool- *Grins 5 times more idiotically than before, and points upward in mock childish wonder*.
It's BIG GIANT GRANNY!!!!!

Big Giant Granny- Oh you HORRID little man!!!! *waves finger*.

Krazyfool- *Stares blankly with a "Gawrsh!", look on face until BGG lowers the ceiling back down and goes away*
Our next guest, is the dame what wrote and sung She-bop and one of the top ten broads I'm like, totally psychotically obsessed with! Cyndi Lauper!!!

(Cyndi Lauper takes the long walk all the way from the entrance curtain. Fortunately, she is unmolested by any hurled objects.)

Krazyfool- Cyndi , I'm not even gonna bother with the preliminaries, I love you!! Marry me now or I'll die! For the fate of all mankind marry me!!

Cyndi- Wow! I'm so flattered! Sorry, I'm already married.

Krazyfool- Really? You sure?

Cyndi- Umm, Yeah.

Krazyfool- Cyndi, you are my Helen of Troy! My Dulcinea!! If I cannot take you as my wife may I at least fight in your service as your loyal knight and devote my quests in your name???

Cyndi- Uhh Sure. (Pronounced Shoo-wa.)

Krazyfool- Okay, cool, good enough then. So got a new album?

Cyndi-Nope.

Krazyfool- Jeez, we really could have used your singing awhile ago.
That lip synching and flying stuff really ate it back there!!

Cyndi- Yeah, I watched it on Goldblum's I-mac.

Krazyfool- Pssht, Goldblum and his bloody I-mac! Hey, you guys did Vibes together didn't you??

Cyndi- Yeah we...

*Star Trek red alert buzzer*

Krazyfool- Ahhh shit, not NOW!

Cyndi- What??

Krazyfool- Ahh, it's the sunsabitchin' Klingons again.

(Camera angle changes to behind Krazy facing outward. The area a couple yards in front of Krazyfool's desk is now chroma keyed into the viewscreen of the Starship Enterprise.)

(The screen wavers, and a Klingon appears on the viewer.)

Klingon- Jak Dok!! Surrender Hu-mon!

Krazyfool- Nope. *Taps the button that formerly performed the Pheemp disappear/reappear effect in a rapid fire fashion*.

(Stock footage of the Enterprise firing photon torpedoes looped repeatedly. Stock footage of a Klingon ship getting blown to shit. The Klingon reappears on Krazyfool's viewscreen with some fake purple blood down his head.)

Klingon- Ker plop!! We will meet on the field of battle again!!!!

Krazyfool- Nope *Pushes the all purpose button, this time holding it like an intercom button*.
Scotty, channel the sewage through the transporter beam and target it on their bridge!

Recording of Scotty from show- Aye cap'n.

*Real shit splashes down on the Klingon*.

Klingon- (Out of character) Sniff. Aww man, this is REAL SHIT!! You FUCKING ASSHOLE, MAN!!!

Krazyfool- Yep. *pushes button*.

(Klingon disappears from screen.)

(All this time Cyndi Lauper has just sat in horrified silence.)

Krazyfool- Well, it was nice having you. Maybe next time you can sing us a little song. Eh?

Cyndi- Yeah, next time maybe I will. *Shakes hands and leaves*.

Krazyfool- *Faces the guest/sidekick chair* Do you think she was just giving me the big brush-off??

(An edited in split screen duplicate of Krazyfool but in a black denim jacket is now sitting there.)

Krazyfool2- (Sarcastically) No, she really wants you.

Krazyfool- There's no need to be like that.

A jar of apple sauce- Yeah, chill out man.

Krazyfool- I dunno, that Star trek bit was kinda stupid.

Krazyfool2- Fire some writers, that's what they're there for!

Krazyfool- Once again, you're right evil me. Thanks! *Pushes the button*.

(Cut to a room full of Starbucks sipping, goatee having, flannel wearing college boys sitting around a table writing unfunny shit for TV. Suddenly, the same shit that splashed down on the Klingon pours down on them, but in much more substantial quantities.)

(The writers look up dumfounded at the camera viewing them.)

Krazyfool- Oh yeah, you're fired too.
*Pushes the button*.

(The close-up footage of copulating genitalia from the begining of the show plays again.)

Krazyfool- Nope, not that again *pushes button*.

(Scene is replaced with another porno of lesbians having oral sex.)

Krazyfool- There, that's better. *watches for a bit*. Okay, that's enough. *pushes button and it stops*.
Now, for our final guest, Jeff Goldblum.

(Goldblum has been standing there for the last 3 minutes holding his I-mac under his arm.)

Krazyfool- Jeff, I gotta start by saying, I think of some genuinely profound stuff when I'm sitting on the shitter.

Goldblum- .....

Krazyfool- one of the things that occurred to me, is that I absolutely cannot imagine you saying the words "stinky winky".

Goldblum- Stinky winky????

Krazyfool- AHAH!!! YOU SAID IT!! I GOT YOU TO SAY IT!!!!! AT LONG LAST IT HAS HAPPENED NOW I CAN IMAGINE IT!!!
Thanks Jeff, goodbye.

Goldblum-What....what the?....the..I...wha..th......uh....hmm....ah...yes yes....uhmmm..............

(Goldblum walks off in a flabbergasted stupor.)

Krazyfool- Oh, look, he left his I-mac! Free I-mac folks!! *Picks it up and looks at it*.
*Blinks a few times*.
*Shrugs*.
*Throws I-mac carelessly over shoulder. The crunch of plastic and the tinkling of glass is heard off camera*.
Goodnight everybody!

(Clip of the fucking shows again. Once again accompanied by the FCC fines counter which jacks up to 8 million as the credits roll.)

(End credits animation includes reverse film of Krazyfool turning back into a fetus and splitting back into a sperm and egg. Animation of Krazy guy getting carted off to loony bin is the last thing we see as the "BWWEEEEEEEEEEDIDDLE DIDDLE DIDDLE DUUUUUUUMMM!!!", from "a day in the life", by the Beatles plays.

The End.


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